Today’s Rant
Despite the title, this page will likely not be updated daily rather whenever one of us gets pissed off enough about something to write a rant about it. I don’t know how else to describe this page other than a loose unconnected collection of random pissed off thoughts, mainly about stupid people.
If you didn’t read our warning on our home page we suggest you don’t read any further until you go back and read it. Everything below this point on this page is strictly the opinion of whoever’s name is attached to it, do not take these rants seriously, as these views are held by us alone and usually even we don’t agree with what we rant about. This page does act as a page for us to vent on but it should be noted that this entire site, especially this page is for entertainment purposes only.
Maxim Magazine – 5/28/07 – Adam
What the hell Maxim, what the hell? Every month I wait for my Maxim to come wondering what gorgeous half-naked celeb will be on the cover and in my head for the next 30 days, this month, it was Sarah Silverman. I almost threw up in my mouth a little. I hate to say it but this magazine has been getting worse and worse by the issue and its really pissing me off cause it was once the best magazine ever, and it wasn’t that long ago. Seriously guys what happened?
Erin Esurance – 5/28/07 – Adam
I submit to you my new pick for the Hottest Cartoon Character one of our earliest Debates, Erin Esuarance, yeah that’s right the pink haired hotty from the commercials, as if her ridiculous body wasn’t sufficient enough of a reason, she also is intelligent (knows how to save money on car insurance), thrifty (wants to saver money), athletic (plays hockey, skis, surfs, etc…) and she’s good in bed, or at least so claims the douche bag she’s always with.
The Stanley Cup Finals – 5/28/07
– Adam
This might get ugly so hang on. Anaheim vs. Ottawa, well shit who to root for. If Ottawa wins it only proves that a team with a good defense and 1, yeah that’s right 1 scoring line and a shitty goaltender can still win the cup. Yeah I am a little bitter to them since they knocked out Buffalo and have played dirty all year long but still were they the best team in the NHL this year? Moving right along to Anaheim, a city that’s not even really on the hockey map in the first place, a team named after a Disney movie, but more importantly a city that shouldn’t even have an NHL team. It’s a hard sell to root for a team in California, especially after last years winners, Carolina, didn’t really deserve the Cup or an NHL team for that matter. My problem is that I am a huge hockey fan and I have to watch the games anyways so again who do you root for. I am really open to arguments on this one, but I think sadly and I do mean sadly I have to root for Anaheim cause I can’t in good conscience root for Ottawa those bastards. OK game 1 was tonight and I have to say it was honestly a good game if you ignore all of the stuff that wasn’t hockey. This was quite possibly the worst Stanley Cup Finals coverage I have ever seen. Stephan Stills singing the National Anthem, are you shitting me, a drunk parrot would’ve sounded better. And then the Governator dropping the ceremonial puck, please, hes never even seen a hockey puck before. As long as I’m bitching about all things this game, did anyone else see Jerry Bruckheimer and Cuba Gooding Jr., they didn’t even have good seats which is really sad since the game barely sold out. More rants, fucking people, its Memorial Day can you not be an asshole for 60 seconds of a moment of silence I mean really, not the right time to be shouting random stuff, have a little fucking respect and dignity.
Yankees Fans – 5/6/07 – Adam
Where’d you go? I
hate the Yankees with a passion but the thing I hate more than the Yankees are
the Yankees Fans. Everyone is a Yankees
fan. And all of you have a story to
come back with why you aren’t a bandwagon fan.
Well my grandpa was a fan and he took me to all the games and he had
season tickets, which he gave me on my birthday and blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah. Everyones got a story, you
all suck. Its not America’s team and
you are not really a fan, even if you were I would still hate you just as much,
all I have to say is where are you all now.
They suck balls lately and nobody is saying a word, I am not seeing
15,000,000 Yankees hats in all the colors of the rainbow, where’d you all
go? Where are all you non-bandwagon
fans? Yeah exactly. Please do me a favor and don’t respond to
this rant, because all you are going to do is send me your story or explain how
there are like 2,000 games left in the regular season to prove your domination,
really save it I just don’t care. I
really don’t.
VS – 5/3/07 – Arica
Warning, violent rant from violent girl who's had a really bad day. Fuck you verses hockey commentators. It is not necessary to mention any more than one time what color jersey's each team is wearing. Fuck that, yanno what, its not necessary to mention ever. Obviously if i'm watching a hockey game on your freak of a cable channel I am a hockey fan and that would mean that I am aware of the color that my team wears. Learn about the team, talk about what they are doing on the ice, fuck call the players by their names! Yes the sabres are in blue when they are home and white when they are away i know that because I AM A FAN FUCKERS. Go away and put my game back on MSG.
Congratulation Banner Ad – 5/3/07
– Adam
Anyone else want to kill this bitch who is congratulating us on winning 2 free iPod Nano’s? She’s just got one of those voices that gnaws at your brain. Lets just say I better not even be in a bar and hear that voice.
Donald Trump Radio Ad – 5/3/07 –
Adam
I just heard a radio ad for Donald Trump’s patented moneymaking system. It actually includes the line “this system is only for people who want to be successful and make money.” I’ll be sure not to mention it to all the people I know who don’t have those aspirations. Schmuck.
Couldn’t Be Better – 5/3/07 –
Adam
What kind of bullshit is that? I work with someone whose name I won’t mention that says this back to me everyday when I ask him how he’s doing. This is the biggest load of shit answer ever. I couldn’t be better. Really? You couldn’t be better? A million dollars, sleeping with a supermodel, living in a mansion, another million dollars, a better job, a nice car, did I mention a million dollars? Really you couldn’t be better; none of these things would make you better? You are full of shit. The truth is you could always be better. Maybe even a better golf handicap or bowling average, maybe a million dollars . . . to give to a charity. I’m just not buying it pal, people who say they couldn’t be better are just lying through their teeth. They might as well answer, “How am I doing? I am the greatest fucker that’s ever lived, that’s how I’m doing!” Full of shit.
Jessica Lynch Is For Sale? –
5/3/07 – Adam
So I am on Yahoo looking for a hot picture of Jessica Lynch and thanks to Yahoo and the world’s best technology, I got this banner ad at the bottom of the page, how much?
Jessica Lynch – 5/3/07 – Adam
When did she get hot?
Administrative Professionals Day
– 5/3/07 – Adam
I’m not even going to bitch about why this holiday exists, I just wanted to point out that, at least this year April 25th, was also Malaria Awareness Day. Just something to ponder.
Social Security – 4/16/07 – Adam
You suck. I hate paying Social Security because quite frankly I am never going to see a dime of that money, ever. If I could opt out of paying it knowing it would be illegal, I would. By the time I am eligible to retire the retirement age will be around 92 and Walmart, which I can only assume will run the program then, will give all of us senior citizens a shiny nickel. This however did not stop the government from sending me information on retiring. According to my Social Security Statement, if I was born before 1938, which giving them the benefit of the doubt they are 43 years off, I could retire when I turn 65. However since I was born after 1960, again a 21-year difference, I am eligible for retirement when I turn 67, which is 41 years away in 2048. Super can’t wait for that. I’ll be sure to keep this hand sheet of paper until then. I’m sure that paper will still be in use then too. Speaking of the future where the hell are our flying cars?
Arica’s Computer: The Virus – 4/16/07 – Adam
I am now officially convinced that Arica’s computer is a virus, every time I try to talk to her on AIM my computer crashes. It only happens with her computer. This is becoming a major pain in the ass. Just thought I would mention that to all of you because several times now this has been the cause of the website not being updated on time.
Imus again – 4/16/07 – Adam
Some more thoughts, if what Imus said was really that offensive why did I hear it broadcast on every major network somewhere in the neighborhood of 4,000,000 times over the next week. Finally, Rutgers Women, who are you trying to kid that this changed your life? You were that offended by this, you mean you have never been made fun of before, come on. Get a grip ladies, get a grip.
Imus – 4/10/07 – Adam
As usual when it comes to stories involving radio I must comment. Imus is merely perpetuating the stereotype that cranky, old, crazy, racist, imbeciles that wear cowboy hats can pretty much say anything to get attention. His stupid fucking show has never been good, intriguing, or even amusing in any way shape or form. Thanks to his brilliant self though he’s finally getting the ratings of his dreams. His first show back from suspension will get the highest ratings of his career. I am not in any way shape or form condoning what he said I am just laying down the truth of the matter. People say they should have fired him, he would’ve gotten another job in minutes. Racism never pays unless its broadcast media then it rakes in the cash. I hate to say it but its true, you gotta love our country. Again I am not condoning Imus or the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team. Sure I hate them but to be fair I hate them just as much as every other women’s basketball team which I hate just as much as every men’s basketball team, which I hate equally as much as I hate other sports that aren’t hockey, but I hate all these things slightly less than I hate overpaid, unfunny, shit-faced, redneck, asshole, racist, old fart radio DJ’s. You suck Imus.
Anna Nicole Smith – 4/10/07 –
Adam
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GO AWAY! How many times do we have to kill you for you to just die already, your like Rasputin, just go away please, get off my TV.
FreeCreditReport.com and other
abuses of Advertising – 4/1/07 – Adam
Anyone else sick of these fucking commercials, it’s not even fucking free. Next time you watch take a look, its free with the purchase of some stupid plan thing they have, this is total bullshit, someone should put a stop to this, it’s blatant false advertising. Speaking of false advertising, I love commercials that say, “We’re the only company that can provide this offer,” or “nobody can sell these for less.” These commercials are another great example of an illegal act. If they are true, then the company is violating monopoly laws. And if they are false, which they are, then it’s false advertising. This is such bullshit, how am I the only person that has noticed this, I believe we still have an FCC right? Where the hell are they when this shit happens, exactly nobody can find them until someone swears or whips it out on national TV, fucking FCC, do your job.
Duh Political Endorsements –
4/1/07 – Adam
In the past week two political endorsements were made that were so obvious that it defies description. Reverend Jesse Jackson shockingly decided after months of debating that he was going to officially endorse Barack Obama for President. Imagine the surprise to everyone that that’s who he would pick. Why even bother? On top of that though the National Organization of Women (NOW) gave their endorsement for President to guess who . . . Hillary Clinton. This is again too dumb for words, hell I bet NOW would have endorsed Marge Schott is she had ran for President. With all due respect to everyone, if you are Black do not make a big deal out of your endorsement for a Black candidate, and if you are a woman do not make a big deal out of endorsing a female candidate. We’re not stupid we know that’s who you’ll likely endorse, only make a big deal out of it if you pick someone else, then I’ll care because then I’ll be shocked.
My Memory I think . . . ? –
4/1/07 - Arica
Adam has told me repeatedly that I need to write rants because sometimes, I can be funny. The problem is, I always think of something good while I'm out and I am not on my computer and can never remember what I wanted to write about. It is for that reason I have decided to write a rant. I mean what the hell? Why can't I remember anything? Play a song enough times for me, and I'll remember it for the rest of my life. Tell me some sort of inane piece of trivia and chances are I'll be spouting it back to you some day, somewhere. Watch any television show with me and I will surely find someone on the show who has guest starred on The West Wing. But ask me to remember something as simple as what I had for dinner yesterday and I'm at a complete loss... I suck at life.
American Idol Voting – 4/1/07 -
Arica
I swear to god, I am going to find every single fucker who voted for Sanjaya Malakar on American Idol and make his or her life a living hell. The end.
Gap “Boyfriend Pants” – 3/18/07 –
Adam
The reason girls wearing guys pants is hot is because they are my pants. Ask any guy, the reason their girlfriend looks hot in his pants is because they are his pants. A girl wearing guys pants is not hot, a girl wearing my pants is what makes it hot. Sorry Gap nice try.
“Ha-Ha Now You Can’t See Me”
Shirts – 3/18/07 – Adam
Dear People who wear those stupid ass Camouflage “Ha-Ha Now You Can’t See Me” Shirts,
I wish I couldn’t see you.
-Adam
Anna Nicole Smith needs to die
again – 2/25/07 – Adam
Yeah you read that right. Anna Nicole Smith deserves to die again for the pain and suffering that she has put us through. WHO CARES? WHO CARES? WHO CARES? Argggg, I haven’t been so pissed off about a news story since finding out that Bush won AGAIN. This is ridiculous, I can’t possibly foresee a scenario, shy of me being awarded custody, that would make me care about this story. This is in no way going to affect my life. I stopped caring about this story the minute someone told me she died. The fact that I have to watch this shit during my lunch break makes me want to blow my brains out. I actually watched an empty courtroom for 15 minutes the other day and when they finally changed the scene to outside the courtroom, I actually heard the reporter say “Some people are calling this a media circus.” Hey guess what Fuck-o you just did. You just called it a media circus, and guess what you are part of that circus. It’s not even a good circus, I’d rather watch a guy jump though a ring of fire, I’d rather watch her corpse thrown through a ring of fire. I can’t handle this story anymore, please make it stop. Here is my suggestion, throw her body into the water halfway between the Bahamas and the US, whichever shore she washed up on gets to deal with her body as they see fit. If she lands on Cuba Castro can even smoke her ashes, I don’t care. Hell Fox can even make it a reality show; I would rather watch her dead body floating through the Caribbean Sea than watch this trial. I would rather watch static, or even The Nanny reruns. And heres another good thing about my plan, it will be over much faster. Please make it stop. She wasn’t interesting in real life and she certainly isn’t interesting now.
Britney Spears Again – 2/25/07 –
Adam
What can you say really that hasn’t been said already? In the past two weeks she as shaved her head, gotten several new tattoos, gone into and out of rehab so many times that I can’t keep track anymore. Do me a favor and think back for a second in your head to “Hit Me Baby One More Time Britney,” OK now think in your head of psychotic current Britney wow life come at you fast. Oops sorry that’s K-Fed’s line. I still say it’s a toss-up for who is going to be the worst parent to that kid.
Janet Jackson is a bitch –
2/11/07 – Adam
If she hadn’t fucked up the Super Bowl, we might still have funny commercials without controversy. We all know the controversy behind the K-Fed commercial, but then there was the controversy over the two guys kissing commercial, and now people are up in arms about the GM commercial that had the robot committing suicide. I didn’t even think that commercial was funny, now I find it hilarious. Come on people get a grip. The Rolling Rock commercial of men in thongs didn’t even air because of it could have been offensive. Prince’s guitar might have been phallic. Seriously people. We have pretty much become a country of pansies. Every time someone tries to be someone gets pissed because its offensive. Grow some balls America learn to be funny again. Laughing at each other and ourselves is what this nation was founded on. If you can’t laugh at yourself you might as well become a robot and jump off of a bridge too. Above all else, the Super Bowl is hardly the place to stage the “better than thou” argument. Lets not forget we are watching grown men trying to beat the crap out of each other. 400-pound men wearing stretch pants, cheerleaders wearing nearly nothing, doing high leg kicks. And we all watch eating ourselves fat and stupid. What’s more offensive America? The Super Bowl is one of those things that make us the greatest country in the world (with the exception of Canada which gives its citizens free health care). Lets not get all high and mighty, do yourself a favor, and laugh again.
NASA Crazies – 2/9/07 – Adam
I feel like I need to write a rant about the crazy astronaut lady but quite frankly I am far too intelligent to get tangled up in this stupidity. It’s so stupid that it actually defies description. I don’t even know where to begin with this, although I must say having “Buzz” Aldrin (Buzz, talk to Scooter about the nickname thing, you have the same problem) explaining parts of it to me on MSNBC during my lunch break was enjoyable. Where to begin, where to begin? If it weren’t for my horse I wouldn’t have spent that year in college. Bang.
“Scooter” Libby – 2/9/07 – Adam
Isn’t the nickname “Scooter” a little too young for you Lewis? You are 56 years old. Come on man, I know 7 year olds who have more mature nicknames. Grow up you Schmuck.
Harry Potter – 2/5/07 – Adam
I can’t believe I am going to do this. I am not a Harry Potter fan, I never read one of the books and I haven’t seen the movies and quite frankly I really have no intention to do either. That being said I have to unfortunately come to the defense of Daniel Radcliffe. This whole story about him acting in a stage play where he is nude for a scene is hilarious to me. Parents actually want their kids to boycott Harry Potter because of this play, which has nothing at all to do with the books. It’s almost great to know that our society has pretty much learned nothing from it’s past. He’s an actor people come on. I hate to break it to all of you crazies out there but Daniel Radcliffe is in fact not actually Harry Potter. I know, I know it’s hard to believe but it’s true, also there is no Santa Clause.
Groundhog Day – 2/5/07 – Adam
For 121 years Punxsutawney Phil has been “predicting” our weather by coming out of a tree stump and possibly seeing his shadow. Is this the most ridiculous holiday we celebrate in this country? It’s possible. According to the official Groundhog Club, there has only been 1 Phil and he has been right 100% of the time. According to the information I have found online, Phil is only accurate 28% of the time. So are we going to have an early spring because he saw his shadow this year? Well in its 121 year history he has seen his shadow only 14 times, the last time being 1999. In that year for those of you curious spring did not come early, so I guess what I am trying to say is Punxsutawney Phil is full of shit.
News about News – 1/28/07 – Adam
Earlier this week while on my lunch break; I saw an amazing news story break. John Kerry was set to announce publicly that he was not going to run for President. I won’t even touch on the politics of this. The news though wasn’t that he wasn’t running for President, it was that he was going to announce he wasn’t running for President. I feel that I have lost some of you, and that’s OK, so stick with me, its confusing I know, that’s why I am bringing it up. The news reported that soon they were going to report that Kerry wasn’t running. Why the hell does this need to be done twice. If you announce to the media that you are going to announce that your not going to run, what the hell did you just do. When you tell the media that you are gong to tell the public that you are not running, you just fucking told them and thus you don’t need to announce it. Either run or don’t run, we don’t care, but don’t kill my whole lunch break with news that you are going to tell people you aren’t going to run.
Late Night Commercials – 1/28/07
– Adam
I think that I have a sleeping disorder. That being said I stay up late nearly every night watching whatever crap happens to be on TV. I have noticed that while I am watching I get the pleasure of seeing quite a bit of commercials that I don’t see during the “normal television viewing hours.” I imagine that many other 25 year-old males are up watching TV as well. In fact I would even venture a guess that we are one of the largest demographics watching TV at 2am. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t need hypnosis, a hooker, or a bigger penis. Are these really the advertisers that are pitching to my demo? I know that the real answer is that ad time at night is crazy cheap, but can’t we get some normal commercials, I mean guys my age also like beer, women, and cars. You hear that Labatt’s I’m watching TV at 2am, barely paying attention and am easily persuaded. You are dropping the ball.
The State of the Union – 1/28/07
– Adam
I did not watch the State of the Union this year because I watched it last year. Every year it is practically the same thing. The only things that change are the people speaking and the ridiculous entrances. It might as well have a pre-show on E! with jackass mom and daughter Rivers. Why are the politicians coming in on red carpets like this is the Oscars. And the award for worst financial crisis in the history of country goes to . . . But seriously I don’t watch the speech because the speech does not change year to year, the only part that’s fun to watch is the random mid-sentence standing ovations. Half the room looks grumpy while the other half is practically on their seats high-fiving each other. The State of the Union rivals the maturity level of a high school Student Council Assembly. “I think I would make a good president because I like pizza and EAST HIGH FOOTBALL RULES!!!!” CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!! Too ridiculous for words, it’s like they only say some of the stuff to get the applause, why even bother just have an applause sign overhead and give a normal speech. It would at least cut the time down to around 45 minutes and then we can all be happy because the networks can go back to regular programming.
People – 1/28/07 – Arica
Ah, my first ever rant. I am going to be short, sweet and to the point. Sometimes when people talk, I want to kill myself. End Rant.
A.I. – 1/21/07 – Adam
It’s hilarious to me that A.I. stands for Artificial Intelligence when it also stands for American Idol. Can someone please tell me why American Idol is ever news? It should never be, not when they pick a winner and certainly not when the judges are being mean. Are you kidding me, this is news? Contestants know what they are getting into when they sign up for this shit. If you are a terrible singer and you go on American Idol guess what, you deserve to be made fun of. I hate this show so much and the fact that I have to see it covered on the news and in the paper cause someone’s feelings might have gotten hurt pisses me off to know end. It’s every humans God-given right to make fun of people, take this website for example. The U.S. Constitution grants me and every other American the freedom of speech, I have every right to say anything I want, this does not mean I don’t have to take responsibility for my actions but it does mean I can say what I want. So why is this news? Apparently its because kids watching the show are being taught that its ok to make fun of people. Well sometime it is, sometimes people deserve it. Furthermore, the show is on Fox, this certainly isn’t the worst program that kids can watch on their fabulous network. I should stop typing this right now but stupid Rosie stepped in and yelled at Simon for his hurtful remarks and again I have to take the against-Rosie side, she is a professional comedian, or at least she claims to be despite her not being funny. She makes fun of people all the time, need we not forget the Donald incident from a few weeks ago. In conclusion, American Idol you suck. Simon, you suck. Fox, I’ll deal with you later. News channels you suck, and Rosie, you really suck.
The Democrat Circus – 1/21/07 –
Adam
The only thing the Democrats need now is a porn star and a midget to run for President and we’ll have the whole California Gubernatorial race all over again. Democrats, you want to control the White House stop having everyone run for President. All they are going to do is turn this thing into a circus and by the time the actual election comes, everyone is going to hate all democrats so much that we’re going to elect another moron to control the free world. Sometimes I’m actually ashamed of being a democrat, arg. This one was suppose to be a walk in the park guys, everyone hates the republicans right now, we could win this in a landslide but no, we have to go ahead and screw this one up on our own. This is going to be painful to watch.
David Beckham – 1/21/07 – Adam
Dear David Beckham, the U.S. hates soccer. Go home. -Adam
This Just In: The Sword still
mightier than the Pen – 1/21/07 – Adam
A Rhode Island teen has won his latest sword fight. A Rhode Island High School refused to print the picture of a teenage Middle Ages fanatic. This kid dressed up for his picture wearing homemade chain mail and holding a prop sword. The school didn’t want to print it because it has a policy banning weapons of all kinds. The mother of this kid started the fight and it grew to a Rhode Island Educational Hearing and the ACLU stood behind the geek and said that the school has allowed kids to pose dressed up with props representing their passions for years including musical instruments and horses. The kid won the battle and the picture will be printed after the R.I. hearing officer noted that previous editions of the yearbook have included a corn-cob pipe, liquor bottles, a beer stein, toy guns, arrows and a knife. This whole story come from Portsmouth High School, whose mascot is the Patriot, often times seen around the school carrying a musket.
Hold Your Wee for a Wii – 1/21/07
– Adam
Arguably the funniest promotion I have heard of in a while. Drink as much water as you can and don’t piss yourself. Simple right, well it turns out you can die from doing that. In fact ask the Morning Rave Show on KDND 107.9 The End in Sacramento because that’s just what happened, after drinking nearly two gallons of water, Jennifer Strange died of Water Intoxication. 10 people from the station have been fired since this occurred. I’m not sure why I am writing about this but as bad as you feel for her you do have to feel for the hosts as well. I mean they do have to live with the thought that they pretty much killed someone, and their careers are over, and it probably wasn’t their idea, most morning show hosts are pretty dumb. Even if they did think of it on their own, it had to be approved by a bunch of people. I guess all I am saying is this promotion, which started as a hilarious idea, turned into one of the most horrific events in Sacramento radio history. These are the kind of stories we should think about before we do something stupid.
Alpha Dog – 1/21-07 – Adam
Someone has to say something about this movie and if it has to be then so be it. Justin Timberlake, you are not intimidated, you never will be sorry. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow but its true man, if you had slept with Britney before she became a disgusting whore then maybe I’d reconsider but we all know you never did. I don’t really know what else I can write about this movie since I haven’t seen it and have no intention of ever seeing it. I can only imagine that it sucks big time, but if someone would like to try to defend it please email me so I can make fun of you.
Maria Sharapova – 1/21/07 – Kevin
Today I watched Maria Sharapova destroy the Italian Garbin. It was a pushover match, not a 'good game' by any standards, but I had this urge to see Maria on the tennis court. You can't blame me; she is beautiful AND good at tennis! Unfortunately within the first few minutes I had to turn off the sound, I couldn't handle it. Maria was grunting in such a way that reminded me of my scuba diving days when I would listen to a young whale calf search for its mother after an adventurous solo exploration. It was a true turn off. Although, if I were ever in a situation where Maria said to me "Kevin Sutherland, I want you inside me", I probably would still say ok.
OJ – 1/14/07 – Adam
The chapter in OJ’s book explaining how he would’ve killed his ex-wife and her friend was mostly created by the ghostwriter’s research, says OJ. Lets break that down. We don’t know how wrote OJ’s book but he says its not him. Alright lets just call that ridiculous #1. “Was mostly created . . .” so basically it wasn’t entirely created by the ghostwriter, ridiculous #2. “Ghostwriter’s research,” which I guess can come only from researching how OJ actually did kill his wife, ridiculous #3. Three ridiculous points all coming from OJ not only not killing his ex-wife, but also from not ghostwriting a book about how he did not kill her because he wouldn’t have done it that way. Wow, who would’ve thought we still be talking about this one over a decade later.
Imitating Saddam – 1/14/07 – Adam
So apparently there are several young boys who have died recently trying to imitate Saddam’s death. This has happened in Yemen, The U.S., Turkey and elsewhere. Since when does anybody want to imitate Saddam? I don’t really understand this one, all I can say is I’m glad they’re finally blaming innocent kids death on something other than video games and TV.
More on Tony Romo – 1/9/07 –
Brian S. (Guest Contributor)
On another note, I would like to point out an interesting side note for Adam's rant about Tony Romo choking on a snap to win the game for Dallas. I don't even want to point out the obvious fact that it was an 18 yard chip shot to win the game. I am not even going to point out that even someone like Adam could have gotten that snap down, or better yet kicked that field goal! What I want to note is what unfolded the next day during the Philadelphia Eagles/New York Giants game. The game was tied at 20, and the Eagles had drove down to the Giants 20 yard line, setting up a 38 yard field goal (20 yards longer then the Dallas attempt). The Eagles brought out the field goal unit, and the 3 main guys involved in the play were the long snapper Jon Dorenbos (a professional magician), the holder Koy Detmer (who was just re-signed to the team 5 days before the game), and kicker David Akers (one of the top 2 clutch kickers in the league right now). This combo not only came through with perfect execution on the snap, hold, and kick...it was also done on the leagues shittiest field that has been compared to playing on concrete, AND at the time of the kick it had been steadily raining for the past couple of hours. This just made Romo look like more of an asshole since you know...being on a dry, almost all indoor field in Dallas, TX where they don't really get rain. But anyway, I am just making excuses for Romo. Good thing he got voted into the pro bowl! I am glad the pro bowl invites happen before the regular season is even over. The pro bowl teams were announced on Tuesday December 19th and for those playing at home there were still 2 weekends of football left. Isn't the pro bowl team a measure of a full season of good performance? Romo responded with 2 losses to end the regular season, followed by the well known botched snap to end the Cowboy's season. Good thing we voted such a clutch player into the pro bowl. Maybe when he is playing in the pro bowl he can just take the first snap, toss it behind him and let the AFC get possession. Think about it...anything he does after that can't be any worse.
Armageddon – 1/9/07 – Adam
Anyone else notice all of the strange stuff happening in the world right now. Saddam is dead, the weather is completely messed up, and the democrats took control of congress. Man, something is up, my vote its Armageddon. Fine don’t believe me, it’s the non-believers that are the first to perish. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Gas in NYC – 1/9/-7 – Adam
A gas smell in New York City and it’s not bad? Do you have any idea just how rank NYC smells, between the subways and the taxi’s and the food vendors, and the pollution, the cabbies, the foreigners, the homeless, and the urine? Then you throw New Jersey into the mix, with the landfills and the dead bodies and the toll booths, that area of the earth smells worse than stepping in dog shit and walking around with it on your shoe all day. So the entire area smells like gas all of the sudden but according to the news and the politicians, its nothing bad. Really? How could that be? Do you have any idea how much gas would have to leak for it to over power all those smells? I mean at the very least isn’t whatever is the leaking the gas a problem, cause that’s kind of bad. This sounds like a classic case of politician bullshit to me, sounds like their up to something, it doesn’t seem right, something just smells funny?
Feel Good Story of the Week –
1/7/07 – Adam
Caltech. This is easily the best sports story I have read in a while. Caltech known mainly for being one of the smartest universities in the country preformed a sports miracle. Their Division III NCAA basketball team beat Bard College of New York 81-52. Most of you are reading that saying who cares, why is this important? It’s important because Caltech hasn’t won a game in 11 years. The win shut down a 207-game losing streak that began in 1996. Now they are looking to win another game to break another nearly 22 year-old record. This one of course for having not won consecutive games in 245 games played in the Southern California Intercollegiate Athletic Conference. I wish them good luck, what a game folks, what a game.
Tony Romo – 1/7/07 – Adam
After Dallas’s terrible loss to Seattle in the NFL game this past Saturday, Tony Romo was still named one of the top performers of the game. That is mind you, despite botching up holding the ball on a simple 19-yard field goal attempt that Martin Grammatica was sure to make, thus ending the game and finishing their season. Do the words choke artist come to anyone else’s mind? I joked about this with several people after the game and they agreed with the experts that he was doing well before that immense fuck-up. My only comment to that would have to be how was Scott Norwood doing in Super Bowl XXV before choking on a 47-yard field goal attempt? Exactly who knows, nobody remembers that.
Miss USA, Miss Nevada, and Trump
vs. Rosie – 1/1/07 – Adam
Everyone knows the story here so I’ll try not to go too crazy here, so Miss USA fucks up? Who cares? Since when is Miss USA a role model anyways, I don’t really hope my future daughter grows up to be an anorexic bikini model. OK so The Donald gives her a second chance because his morals tell him everyone deserves a second chance, except of course Miss Nevada who gets shut down immediately, she wasn’t caught underage drinking though, she was caught acting like a slut. Again who cares? Is breaking law by drinking underage not as immoral as showing your boobs in public, well I guess we’ll never know. So then as if this entire ridiculous story couldn’t get any more far fetched, professional unfunny comedian Rosie O’Donnell decides to mock Trump so in typical Dennis Miller fashion she calls him a “Snake-oil salesman” which to most of America means nothing at all. She said he shouldn’t be the moral compass for twenty-something’s. She’s right, but she shouldn’t have said it because you know what Rosie your not either, I would rather have my kids turn out to be more like Trump than you. This is a classic example of “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Although the way both parties are acting its as if they are operating under this instead; “people who live in glass houses should throw stones because we have it happen to us all the time and its about time we get to throw some too.” They both oughta shut the hell up, he should go back to fixing his few remaining strands of hair and making money and she should go back to eating and trying to say something funny.
Ethiopia Jets bomb Somalia’s Main
Airport – 1/1/07 – Adam
Ethiopia has Jets? Somalia has an Airport?
Terrorism and Santa Clause –
1/1/07 – Adam
As a Jew, I have numerous reasons to hate Christmas. As an employee of a mall, I have numerous reasons to hate Christmas. As much as I would love to touch on all of them, I am going to spare all of you. I’m only going to touch on why as an American, I hate Christmas. Each year, as many of you know, especially all the true losers reading this, NORAD tracks Santa. I’m gonna repeat that, NORAD tracks Santa. NORAD, North American Aerospace Defense Command tracks a fictional character. That’s right, I hope I’m not breaking anyone’s heart here but Santa’s not real. It’s really not a wonder why most of the world hates us, we are spending who knows how much time, money and effort tracking the global position of something that doesn’t exist. Christmas would have really been the perfect night for terrorists to have hit the US, we never would’ve saw it coming, being to focused on Santa, our shields were down world, where were you? I love the US, I really do, but sometimes your just asking for it.
Rocky Balboa – 1/1/07 – Adam
I feel like it is my duty to talk about this one, why the hell did they make another Rocky movie? Stallone’s 60 fucking years old. 60. And he’s fighting a guy named Mason Dixon, are ya fuckin’ kidding me? This is the best Stallone could come up with. Seriously? Why did this movie get made? It would cost me approximately $9 to see this piece of shit, I figure for roughly the same price I could pay a huge Black homeless guy to kick the shit out of a senior citizen and it would be a hell of a lot more entertaining, no stupid plot to follow, no shitty catchphrases, no bullshit and it would be completely unscripted, America meet your next reality show, The Homeless vs. The Geriatrics, hosted by Stallone himself if he can still stand up, coming to Fox June 2007. That is really a perfect ending to this rant and I wish I could end it there, but I can’t in good conscience end this without mentioning that Stallone’s stupid old ass is also making another Rambo movie. I’d love to rip this one to shreds as well but after all that Rocky crap I don’t think I have the energy, I’ll do that one when it come out next year in 2008 when I have to pay $12 to see a movie.
Sad Death – 1/1/07 – Adam
In the past month the world has lost some great men for instance Gerald Ford and James Brown, but another equally as important American died recently and his death was not noted with a night at the Apollo or a State Funeral and so I am making note of it here. Joseph Barbera died on the 18th of December he died at the age of 95, and will forever be remembered as one of the greatest animators in history. Joe with his partner William Hanna created Tom and Jerry, The Flintstones, The Jetsons, Scooby-Doo, Huckleberry Hound, Johnny Quest and many others. These men paved the way for cartoon, as we now know them. Without them the cartoon sitcom would never have happened. The Simpsons, Family Guy, South Park, all would have never happened. Joe was a creative genius that changed the way America watched TV. Everyone remembers as a little kid sitting 3 feet from the TV eating a huge bowl of Lucky Charms with the milk dribbling off your chin, watching cartoons, we all owe this favorite childhood memory to this great man. He will be missed.
Joseph Roland Barbera (March 24th 1911 –
December 18th 2006)
Man of the Year – 1/1/07 – Adam
Time Magazine’s Man of the Year is “You.” I don’t really have a rant for this other than to say this is the lamest bunch of bullshit ever. It’s almost like they didn’t even bother to try at all. Real creative Time, real creative. They picked Hitler once, why not pick, Saddam, or Bush, the Pope, either of them, an athlete, politician, musical artist, philanthropist, scientist, inventor, doctor, teacher, hell even a garbage man, but no they picked “You”, Time “You” fucking suck.
My New Hero – 12/25/06 – Adam
A few weeks ago an amazing thing happened, Evel Knievel sued Kanye West. This has got to be the best news story ever. Here’s why, Evel, who might I add is gonna dies soon due mostly to his poor health, has decided that one of his last battles on this Earth isn’t going to be a rocket cycle, or jumping 200 buses, or even jumping through a ring of fire, but rather suing Kanye West. For those of you that have no clue what I am talking about, here’s the scoop. Kanye did a video for his song “Touch the Sky” and in the video Kanye plays a character called “Evel Kanyevel” who attempts to jump a canyon on a rocket vehicle wearing a V-striped white jumpsuit. Sound familiar? It should Evel Knievel did attempt to jump a canyon on a sky cycle wearing a V-striped white jumpsuit, in his attempt he failed miserably, in the video by Kanye, he fails miserably. Evel got a little pissed when he saw the video "That video that Kanye West put out is the most worthless piece of crap I've ever seen in my life, and he uses my image to catapult himself on the public," the 68-year-old daredevil said Tuesday. You really gotta respect a man that has broken the laws of physics and gravity not to mention nearly every bone in his body and still has the energy to go out there and sue some rappers. He is my new hero.
“Breaking News” – 12/25/06 – Adam
Why do CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and all the others constantly have a “Breaking News” bulletin? I know they do it for ratings purposes but I hate flipping through the channels and seeing the words “Breaking News,” because now I am forced to stop to see what happened. Stupid me for thinking something big is happening like on 9/11 but in reality it ends up being something like a cat stuck in a tree in East Bumblefuck, Idaho. But even with the whole 9/11 thing, the words “Breaking News” were on the screen for months afterwards, its one thing when there actually is breaking news about the terrorist attacks, but if the breaking news is that two planes hit the World Trade Center then it’s not really breaking news anymore now is it?
Britney and K-Fed – 12/24/06 –
Adam
Apparently, since the two lovebirds split up they may soon be involved in vicious custody battle over their kids. How would you like to be the judge in that one? Seriously what the hell would you do if you had to choose who would make the better parent? You got Britney, who pretty much won’t even deny that she’s a whore at this point, or option B, K-Fed who at best is a fucking retard. I really do feel bad for the judge in this case, because his only out is probably suicide.