7/24/00 Continued . . .
I'm Getting Worse
Every day, I can feel myself getting worse. I become more evil, more insane, less human. My descent from normalcy into this psychotic nightmare I live in was a gradual process. I didn't just started out wanting to rape, murder, and molest. There were various steps.
1 - Around the age of 13, I began wanting to have sex with little girls. By little, I mean between the ages of 4 and 10. I don't know why it happened. Some people reach puberty and become gay. They don't have a choice. Their options are never presented to them. It just happens. The same is true with pedophiles. We don't ask for it, it just happens.
2 - As the years passed, I began to consider rape a very serious option. I have never had any kind of moral opposition to forced sex. I guess this is the sociopath in me that feels this way. I care more about myself than about anyone else on the planet, so why bother with formalities like consensual sex?
3 - I began to hate women. I listened to my friend, Doug, preach about how worthless and stupid women are. I believed everything he said. His arguments all made perfect sense. I could relate all of his points to experiences in my life. I realized that women are just trash. They are like diapers. You use them once and throw them out. Of course, Doug never realized how far I would take it.
4 - The necrophiliac arrived. I began fantasizing about having sex with corpses after reading heavily on teh subject. I realized that it was what I had been longing for: a sexual partner with no feelings or life. I could use her as I saw fit and then bury the body. I found myself fantasizing more and more about corpses. It reached a point where that was all I thought about.
5 - Murder becomes a serious option. I raelized that corpses were not just going to fall into my lap. If I wanted a body, I was going to have to go out and kill the girl myself. This didn't present much of a problem for me, except for the legality, of course. Guilt just doesn't register with me.
6 - Murder becomes its own sexual act. At a certain point, I realized the idea of strangling a girl was just as arousing as having sex with her corpse. This is when I made the distinction between girls I wanted to murder and rape and girls I just wanted to murder. If I REALLY like a girl, I'll rape her after she's dead. I know, I'm a hopless romantic.
7 - The last step has been the fantasies about murdering children. For a long time, I never really thought about it. Living girls were enough to satisfy me. However, more recently, I have wanted to strangle little girls whenever I see them. They are so small and delicate, it would be so easy to throttle the life out of their pretty, smoth necks. I can't wait for the day where I actually do it. It's going to be incredible. I'd also like to stab a little girl to death or decapitate her. Of course, after I kill them and mutilate their bodies, I have sex with their corpses, of course.
Only time will tell how far I go.
I Need a Daughter
You probably think that I'm writing an entry about needing a daughter so I can molest the shit out of her day and night and acting out all my perverted fantasies.
Well, you're absolutely right. However, there's more to it than that. I'd like to have someone who was completely dependant on me and looked at me with absolute love and affection. I've never had anything close to that in real life. However, if I had my own child, I could love them unconditionally and vice versa. I could teach her to have all my good qualities, but save her from the same awful fate as me. This little girl could be the me I should have been.
Also, I think having a daughter would make me feel more comfortable around girls, for two reasons. The first reason - since I'd spent so much time with my daughter, a girl, and felt completely comfortable around her, I would be able to think of other women in the same, relaxed manner. Second reason - I would always have something to talk about in conversation. What parent doesn't love talking about their child? I could carry pictures in my wallet, the whole nine yards.
Then, of course, there's the whole molestation thing. If I had a daughter (who somehowwas born four years old), I could have sex with her whenever I wanted to. I wouldn't kill her or hurt her though, since she was my child. We would have nice, gentle, loving sex each night. I would lick her little pussy and she would lick my dick. We'd kiss and hug and tickle. Then, I'd slowly and gentlely penetrate her until I came.. We would sleep together naked, wrapped up in eachother's arms, bathe together and cleaning off every part of eachother's bodies, play together. It would be perfect. Just me and my daughter/lover.
I know a girl named Laura, who I think I've mentioned before. She's cool. I bet she'd make a fun daughter. I'm not really interested in her now, though. She's too sexually experienced for me. I'd be terrified with a girl like her. I'd be so afraid of screwing up. Especially since she's told me about various ex-boyfriends and their sexual failings. I'd hate to be joked about like that. But, if I was the experienced one and she was the four-year-old, it would be a different story.