7/19/00
Why Do We Wear Masks?
When I read my friend's diaries, I always notice the theme of "Masks" constistently popping up in their entries. Everyone from Don Juan to Laura to John claims to be wearing a mask, which hides their true selves from the world. By all accounts, these masks are a burden to the soul, yet they continue to wear them and keep their intimate, personal lives hidden from those around them.
Don Juan seems to have the most constricting and demanding mask. Although his mind is filled with shadowy hallucinations, apocalyptic nightmares, and sadistic longings. However, on the outside is a cheerful, intelligent ladies-man. I know, for a fact, that he despises the mask he wears. He wants it to fall, so his true nature can be exposed and he can be free. His mask isn't just the face he wears for people. It controls him, like the Freudian superego. He actually regards his mask as a separate personality, the good son everyone expects him to be.
From reading Laura's diary, she seems to have a mask as well. However, her mask does not hide a sadistic monster. Instead, it hides her private, innermost thoughts. For some reason, she is afraid to expose what she is feeling privately. The mask protects her, hiding her vulnerability from those who would hurt her emotionally.
John claims to have a mask, but I think he's lying. On the outside, he is a cheerful buffoon who enjoys comic books, theater, toys, and other manly pursuits. He insists this is just a mask and his true interior is a fuming volcano of rage. Personally, I think he's just trying to invent a psychosis so he can be different from everyone else. All his friends have such intense, bizarre pathology and he is just Mr. Normal. I think he's resentful and wants to be special as well. However, John forgets that he is different because he actually gets girls. I'd gladly sacrifice my dysfunctions for some play.
Mike has a mask too. If you look back several entries in my diary, I wrote a whole entry about how he pretends to be smooth and confident, but is actually an insecure jerk. To him, the mask hides his petty personality so people will like him. Unlike Don Juan, I'm sure he does not want his mask to slip. If it did, he would be the same pathetic loser I became friends with so many years ago.
I, on the other hand, wear no mask. Even in real life, I am completely open and honest about my perversions, offering useful advice on murder, sharing personal stories, and sometimes defending myself from narrow-minded thinkers. I am too honest to wear a mask. I cannot hide who I am from the world. Don Juan thinks this is a sign of insanity. I've lost my ability to conform to society. I've lost my superego. This doesn't bother me, however. I can't imagine hiding behind a mask of friendliness and contentment. I am who I am.
I think most people in the world wear masks, even if their interior personalities aren't so bad. It's just easier to pretend than to be yourself sometimes. Society doesn't want individuals. It wants people who follow the trends and do what is expected of them. We have freedom, but we are bound by the chains of fashion. Maybe, someday, pedophilia will be the "in" thing.
It's a sad world we live in, folks.
But sometimes I'm unhappy that I don't wear a mask. It might cure some of my depression if people liked me for who I wasn't. Very few people like the real me. Girls certainly don't, so I remain alone, searching desperately for the solace of depravity. If I wanted to create a mask for myself, I wouldn't know where to begin.