7/16/00
A Shockingly Normal Dream
I had a very normal, average teenage boy dream on Friday night. (I had to write about it today because my Internet was down on Saturday.) However, some things that happened after I woke up have made me want to murder Don Juan.
The dream involved a girl named Tiffany. I'll give you a little background: Tiffany is a girl who lives in my neighborhood. I've known her since kindergarten. I've always had a little crush on her. It was the worse during 10th grade, but it's dimmed somewhat. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I wrote Tiffany an eMail explaining my feelings for her and just saying some sweet, positive things.
Why is it, that when I try to be sweet and positive, things always go horribly wrong?
Needless to say, Tiffany never replied to eMail, even though I know she's read it. I don't hold it against her, though. After all, she's a girl. One cannot expect more from a girl than deceit, selfishness, and an apalling lack of compassion. She's a typical girl, incapable of any deep thoughts or feelings about anyone but herself.
I'd love to see Tiffany cry. I can imagine kidnapping her, bringing her someplace secret, and telling her she's going to die. If that didn't get the waterworks going, I'd cut her a bit, then we'd see. If she didn't shed tears, I'd be most disappointed.
Anyway, the other night I had a dream that I was outside Ridgebury, my old elementary school. I was with my friend Doug, his girlfriend, Mary and some other girls. In my dream, Tiffany had read my letter and realized her love for me. She walked her fingers along my crotched and teased me when I got an intant eretion. Then, we fooled around some more. She jerked me off. I fingered her while sucking her tits. I went down on her. It was very nice. Usually, I don't have erotic dreams, but this one was cool.
I was happy about the dream, jerking off to memories of it several times yesterday. Then, Don Juan had to go and spoil it for me.
We were talking online and I told him about my dream. He confessed to me that he had played "doctor" with Tiffany in first grade. This infuriated me. Not only has he seen the girl I want naked, but he saw her when she was in my prime age group. I'd settle for 18-year-old Tiffany, but 6-year-old Tiffany would be a million times better. I wish I had his way with women.
If I were to kill him, I'd use some of his own tricks. He likes making people do disgusting things as a form of psychological torture (making girls fuck dogs, men fuck their sons, etc.) So, to properly torture Don Juan, I'd kill Tiffany, eviscerate her corpse, then make him have sex with it. He has no interest in necrophilia, so that would definitely mess him up.
Or, I could just kill him.
Am I Actually Insane?
I've been pondering the question of my own sanity lately. I want to murder little girls and rape their corpses. That is what I want. That is my fantasy, which I hope to live out one day. However, I can't help but wonder why.
I know what causes these thoughts. I have some ingrained, pathalogical, inexplicable fear of girls. Because I am afraid of them in a social way, I focus my attention on children, since I feel "safer" with them, like they are less inclined to hurt me. In a sexual way, I am afraid of women in general, so I feel I must resort to corpses. This is the explanation for my pedophilia and my necrophilia. On the same note, my intense hatred of women comes from the same source. My fear manifests itself as hate to protect me from being emotionally hurt by a girl.
So there we have it. That's why I have these dysfunctions. However, does this actually make me insane? Don Juan thinks so. He thinks that some of the aspects of murders I would like to commit make me crazy (ie taking heads with me, even though it's extremely dangerous.)
Speaking of Don Juan, he made an interesting response to my last entry in his own diary. He said that if I tried to kill him, he would invariably kill me because he is supposedly immortal and is always saved from doom by fate.
So who's the crazy one?
No offense, Don Juan, but you're the one with the severe imbalance of the whole id, ego, superego thing. I admit I've got a few screws loose, but that doesn't admonish you from responsibility to your own sanity. You're just as fucked up as I am.
Does anyone know the real word for "fear of women'?