Thursday, July 22, 2004 - 3:23AM

  This is my first entry on my online journal. I feel a slight amount of pressure coming from the back of the room. Must I be funny? I wouldn't think so. I am off the clock. As my friend Lisa says, "Relax dude. You're not on stage."

   I feel the same way a comic gets when an audience stares at them from their table with their arms crossed. They begin to talk amongst themselves and check their watches during your two minute opening bit you had planned doing on Letterman. If you ever got asked to be on. Your fellow comics are in the back of the showroom laughing sarcastically at you from the shadows. It doesn't help that you check your watch and notice you're still twenty eight minutes away from seeking the shelter of the backstage green room.

   I got you to come to my website. You debated coming, but you stood in front of your computer and said, "aw, fuck it..." Just like when you have nothing to read at the laundry mat. So you find yourself reading a copy of the WatchTower some Jehova's Witness left there the day before. "aw, fuck it..."

     I hope you enjoyed yourself when you saw me perform. I hope you enjoyed the entire evening. Thanks for coming by. Thanks for saying, "fuck it..."     

Friday, July 23, 2004 - 5:45AM    

Why do people feel the need to complicate my life? I wish I could have an assistant. Just to return phone calls for me.
 
Just to tell my friends, "No. He doesn't know if he's going to the concert. He doesn't get free tickets all the time."
 
For the people that call me and haven't spoken to me in years: "You saw him on TV? Ok. No. Charlie is busy. He asked me to tell you to go fuck yourself."
 
For my cousin's stupid phone call: "Yes that's Charlie on a commercial. He knows that's not his real mom in the commercial. It's a commercial. NO... Charlie shouldn't have to have his real mom in the commercial. It's a commercial. It's not real life!

  It's amazing the things people expect out of me. When I first started doing comedy just about everybody I knew thought it was a "phase" I was going thru. Relatives said things like, "He should get a real job." Now a couple years later it's a different tune. "Can you get me tickets for this or that? Can you introduce me to so and so? I saw him in movies, can you get me back stage?" I'm not rich. Not even close. Imagine what that would be like? At least I could hire someone to be the asshole for me.

Argh!!!!   

Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 6:22AM