Once in a long while you see a movie that really confirms your take on life and its meaning. The Fellowship of the Ring is not that movie. It starts out promising enough, Men, elves, and dwarfs all in thrall to the shiny rings and Sauron is the big boss who puts them all in the shade. But then it’s Green Land time. Don’t get me wrong, I like hobbits and ale just as much as the next minion, but all this shucking about in holes, too dull. And then a big party. Were any minions invited? No. Very rude. All I could see was a missed opportunity for a nice raid. But it was very instructional to know where and how the hole-dwellers  lived underground,( The garrisons have already been advised.)

Then we have this maggot-ridden filth rider stopping the Holy Wraiths from getting their work done. And a wizard shows up. Well why do the hole dwellers act so surprised when they flee on the run at black sword point? Anybody knows when a wizard shows up, just run now and ask questions later. And that business at the Fords. Tsk Tsk.  Never send a Wraith to do an Orc’s job. But the Wraiths get to show off their wardrobe running around. No matter. Even a girl outruns them!  (Pssst- Lots of titters in the barracks about that!) So finally the big tark brains meet up and what do they decide? To go on foot through the roughest, baddest trails in ME. Of course, my big moment in Moria taking down the Wizard is of course the best part of the whole movie. He owed me money. I’d like to thanks the members of the Balrog Acting Academy, where I had my start, as well as the extras support from the Orc Actors Guild , running like cockroaches through Moria.

Then comes the part that’s like swill-swallowing. More leafy green tree-people. Hiding from the Sauron the Master in their Tree Ground. Screetch-Singing too. Floating around in little boats that wouldn’t hold 5 orcs. Well, I didn’t want to sour your hides but there are parts of this movie that will sicken your stomach right quick. The elf girl and the man-boy, it’s like a bad remake of Beren and Luthien-The Dark Years. And when we Minions have got the right of it, judiciously defending our borders from invaders, the little imps fight back! When the highly efficient and well-trained troops carry back the prize, it is only misinformation that makes them take the useless hole dwellers instead of the imp with the Ring. Not our fault nobody reported us lads about it properly. It was the whiny mountain-maggots that blew the whole thing. Now we go into the Brown Lands. This movie’s ending will put you to sleep but fast. I’d tell you what happens, but I’m always asleep by that time.