-Desire-

Desire,
How much the desire haunts me,
The missed chance,
The lost love,
The pain that fills me with every breath.
Every step I take,
Every breath I make,
The pain worsens.
If only I could say,
If only I could tell,
How I feel.
But,
It cannot be done.
For doing this,
Will ruin all that I am,
All that I wish to become.
If only I could tell,
If only I could find a way to say what tears at me every day.
But how?
How can I say what cannot be said,
How can I say, 
What will surely destroy me.

The anxiety within me surges at this very thought.
It tears at every strand within my very mind,
Within my very soul.
It consumes me,
The overwhelming thoughts,
Emotions,
All that I am and will ever be.
All fade away.
The depths of my soul are never shown,
Are hidden at every moment,
They can never be seen,
Not even by myself.
But,
But how can I live,
When I am not myself.
When my own soul is hidden,
Is covered up by the mask.

The mask that has been used for an eternity,
To allow me to survive.
The very mask that I used to survive,
Betrayed me.
It destroyed me.
It ate at my soul,
Until it was nothing more than an empty shell.
For years I lived under this mask,
Outside of that shell,
Until I realized.
Until I understood.
That the mask was nothing more than that.
A mask.
The mask had no power,
Had no strength.
Once this realization was made,
The mask was finally torn off,
To reveal myself.

But, who was that,
Who was myself.
This could not be found until I tore down the shell that lay protecting my deepest desires,
For an eternity.
I can only find myself if this shell can be torn off,
And thrown away.
It can be opened,
Can be looked into,
Can be felt for a moment.
But then,
The shell closes again.
Desires hidden away for eternity.
The mask reappears.

But this time,
I know.
I know what I had not known since the mask first appeared.
I know that the mask is nothing more than a mask,
It is nothing more than a piece of plastic.
That can be purchased at some dime store.
Now I just need to remove the mask once more,
And continue the search,
The search for those deep hidden desires.
The desires that consume me,
That destroy me,
That created this mask in the first place.
I must find them,
I must realize them,
I must become them.