*until your friends and family rise up and kill you
Would you stop squirming, Lindus?"
When someone tries to put the kibbosh on something you want to do, say:
"I'm sorry. After you -- Captain."
When someone is making an idiot of himself but is more funny than disgusting, say:
"Boyd gone loco."
When someone is talking to his rifle, say:
"I'd steer clear of him."
When something comes as quite a shock, say:
"M-major Knox."
When someone's mind is closed to the truth, say:
"I advise that ... you change your story, Boyd."
When someone is telling a cock'n'bull tale, say:
"Now, your story, this... windagee ..."
When you ask someone for help and he blows you off, say:
"You must die."
When someone pesters you to do something you don't want to, say:
"Get away from me. "
When the family is sitting around the table staring at the walls, say:
"So! Did anyone ... DO anything today?"
When you're tired of an activity but someone else just won't let it die, say:
"Reich ... Reich ... I'm gonna go back."
When someone is doing something so noisy you can't hear yourself think, say:
"Could you find some inspiration somewhere else?"
When he doesn't leave right away, say:
"And could you get us some ice?"
When debating whether or not to go somewhere, say:
"What do you think, Major?"
When someone accuses you of taking the last piece of lasagna, say:
I ate sparingly. Others did not.
When asking if someone is ready to proceed, say:
"You loaded?"
When someone is scarfing Raisinets and not offering to share, say:
"I would very much appreciate some of that bourbon now."
When someone's behavior is just plain incomprehensible, say:
"He was licking me!"
When you need an excuse for your own just plain incomprehensible behavior, say:
"I was having a nightmare!"
When someone asks you what the resident BS artist just said, say:
"He professed to know a new, shorter route through the Nevadas."
When someone wants to do something and you don't understand why it's neccessary, say:
"Why pack? Why go?"
When someone is embarking on a journey or other enterprise, say:
"I want you back in three days."
When someone is whining, say:
"I cain't git a woman."
When you need to remind someone to follow your instructions, say:
"No locoweed."
When someone starts reading you his shopping list, say:
"Salt ... meat ... beans ... coffee ... awl ... bacon ... flar!"
"Lervant, Dervant ..."
When you land on your opponent's Boardwalk hotel, say:
"Boyd, nooooooo!"
When everyone is trying to persuade the resident party pooper to participate, say:
"Oh, no, HE won't!"
When a moron pulls out in front of you, signals right and turns left, say:
"People are not stupid, Ives."
When someone says any variant of "People are not stupid," say:
"Really!"
When someone is telling you a blatant whopper, say:
"I could use some fresh air."
When someone says any variant of "I could use some fresh air," say:
"Are you to be trusted?"
When someone asks how you like something, say:
"Not bad ... considering."
When someone offers to do you a dubious favor, say:
"Only if you feel up to it."
When sitting down to a family dinner (unless it's Thanksgiving, in which case the correct quote is "To absent friends"), say:
"Well! Isn't this civilized."
When you think something is worthless, say:
"Roots."
When something is mediocre, say:
"Dog."
When something is better than dog but not as good as ox, say:
"Horse."
When something is excellent, say:
"Real nourishment."
When you want to know what's going on, say:
"Whizzit?"
When greeting someone, say:
"Have a walnut, Boyd."
When hello or goodbye is needed, hold up your left palm and say:
"You remember this?"
When someone asks you a question while you're trying to read, sleep, watch Ravenous, etc., say:
"Whaaaah?"
When someone keeps right on talking while you're trying to read, sleep, watch Ravenous, etc., say:
"Whaaaah!"
When something so hideous you dare not speak its name befalls you, say:
"Nyaghghah!"
When everyone but the resident obsessive-compulsive has tired of a particular subject, say:
"Be quaaat, Boyd."
When someone is totally surprised to see you, say:
"Hello, Boyd."
When someone does the same annoying thing for the 301st time, say:
"Boyd, I'm puttin' you undah 'RAIST."
When someone does a halfass job of something, say: "Well, check around outsaad, woooman!"
When something needs to be done, only not by you, say:
"Volunteahs?"
When someone is making an idiot of himself, say:
"Too much bourbon in his bourbon."
When you've told someone something and he insists you didn't, say:
"I was coherent then, I'm coherent now, and I distinctly remember."
