There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. --Ambrose Bierce
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
Serving coffee on airplanes causes turbulence.
Life is like a dog sled team... if you aren't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
It is illegal to Federal Express yourself.
They're even making nude murder mysteries. The butler did it... so did the gardener, the maid, and the plumber.
Six percent of runaways leave becuse their parents disapprove of their clothes.
The AAA recommends keeping a roll of toilet paper in the glove compartment of your car in case of a spontaneous long trip. --AAA
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?? --W.C. Fields
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. --The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Two people can live as inexpensively as one for half as long.
The IQ of a group is the lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in the group.
Duct tape is like the force-- It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open book test, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct and beyond all need of checking is the mistake.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Yeild to temptation... it may not pass your way again. --Lazarus Long
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean that he or she knows what it is.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It begins working the moment you wake up, and doesn't stop until you get to school.
The new congresspersons say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
AMAZING BUT TRUE- There is so much sand in northern Africa that if it were spread out, it would cover the entire Sahara Desert.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money won't make me happy.
If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.
Never count your chickens before they lay eggs. (Some might be roosters.)
Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Hofstader's Law: It always takes longer than you think it will, even when you take Hofstader's law into account.
If you put garbage into a computer, nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a technologically advanced machine, is somehow ennobled, and few dare criticize it.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. --J. Paul Getty
Faith is the quality that allows one to eat blackberry jam without first looking to see if the seeds move.
Murphy's Statement on the Power of Negative Thinking: It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. {He probably concluded this after participating in an Optimist Club speech contest.}
Eighty percent of people consider themselves to be about average drivers.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
SEMINARS- from 'semi' and 'arse,' hence, any half-assed discussion.
The point in the titration at which the reaction is complete is called the equivalence point. This point is commonly detected using an indicator that changes color at the end point, telling you it's time to quit. If the indicator has been chosen properly, the equivalence point and the end point coincide.
Good news. Two years from tomorrow may be a good day.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appriciates how difficult it was.
Forth Law of Applied Terror: The day before your English mid-term, your biology teacher will assign you a 200-page report on plankton's effect in the ecosystem. Corollary: Each teacher assumes that you hve nothing else to do except study for that teacher's class.
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
Just about the time you make the ends meet, someone moves the ends.
Dying is a dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it. --W. Summerset Maugham
'Vocabulary' is not in my vocabulary.
A person standing on a toilet seat is high on pot. -A.O.
The great oak tree was once a little nut who stood his ground.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. --Ambrose Redmoon
We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?
