還有三日。

今晚，終於，大佬先忍不住說：「你咁樣點做大事呀？要有D決心先得0架！(Dun remember exact wording) 你咁做野，又怕人笑，咁點得0架．．．．．．」跟住大嫂問我：「你0係香港係咪無乜朋友0架？」I sort of gave her an answer I thought, but I knew she had her own answer. I think it's meaningless for someone to say 'I got a lot of friends / I dun have any friends', and I know even if I told her what I think she would think that is based on my imagination. So I told her to ask Ching, I think maybe it's better for Ching to say it, even though 阿嫂 might still think ah Ching is just too kind to treat me as a friend.

You thought it's over? Yea, you wish! Main course is not served. After 大佬 left the table and went back to his room, 阿嫂 offered to read my palm while I was  too tired to go for one, especially by she who already had an impression of me. Anyway it was supposed to be fun (I thought) but she started to lecture me. I tried everything to avoid the discussion or simply get it over with as soon as possible by saying things like 「係0既係0既，我都知．．．」,but she wouldn't let me go. She actually said, 'if you are still like this I can't continue and I dun wanna talk to you...(something like that)...everybody can see your defect, even you know it yourself, but you just dun wanna change dun you......(and I was stunned when she said)你咁樣人地好難接受，好難頂呀.......'. She was so serious that I couldn't  just walk away, it reminded me of siu kuen's conversation with Pao 7 when he thought she was 誤入歧途, and I remember how siu kuen answered him and I said that same things like, 'then what should I do / what do you think I should do then'. I didn't expect that she'd be so serious or may I say 'mean', she started saying that she likes to observe people and she's very good at it, that she doesn't bother to say a thing if I'm nobody (「我做乜要幫人教女0即」<----that's when I'm really pissed), that she told me these for my own good or something. I remember someone had said something like this to me before, in a similar tone, and I reckon that was the badminton tutor Tong in primary school and Ah Tsui in high school, then now 阿嫂. She said she knows I dun like the job and that I'm unhappy. Well, honestly I'm glad that she noticed that so I dun have to pretend to be cheerful, not anymore, I guess.

I must say that I agree with almost everything she said about me, that I'm self-centred, lazy, impossible, kinda a mummy girl, do not have many friends (though I think I've got the best). Yet if I'm ONLY what she said, then why would I meet Tamaki and Andrew for they really like me or would I have a friendship with a bunch of people including Ching for nearly 10 years? But what she said is true that working is totally different. Nobody give a shit of your feelings. I should really think about that.

I dunno what did I learn from the discussion...well it's been quite some years since the last time somebody criticize me in my face...but indeed I dun feel as angry as I thought...maybe I'm just too determined to stay the way I am no matter what they said and who said it...maybe I've become so self-centred that I dun give a damn...haha...(I found it all so dramatic I'm sorry)...seriously I do believe that there're some other parts of me she didn't see, and I'm not bothered by what she said maybe coz I know I might never see'em again after next tuesday, that the excitement of leaving here is just too large.......I would say that time is changing, and I'm just one of everybody in our time, even though it might be unacceptable for them. I'm so tired to think of any good ending...let's leave it till tomorrow......

29/6/01  03:53