Dirtyjokes5

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck. A drunk staggered up to her and said ,"Hey! where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied," You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said," Quiet, I was talking to the duck."

One day mom was cleaning junior's room. In the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law
school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is
it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and
then sue the landowners for lots of money?"

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started
speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney
asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law.

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on
sidewalks."