Edward Meets Jerry Springer
Auctoritas
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Announcer: Welcome to the Jerry Springer show!
Jerry Springer: Today, we have a confrontation between the three personalities
of the expert hit-man, Edward. We pulled each of them from a different
dimension, and each was formed from their decision. When Edward made his first
major decision, he went one way and we got a compassionate Edward and a
passionate but not compassionate Edward. When the passionate Edward made
another life shattering decision, he split into passionate Edward and the Cold,
evil Edward that Anita Blake fans know and love. So, compassionate Edward, tell
me about yourself.
Compassionate Edward: Hi Jerry. I'm Edward. I'm a really compassionate kind of
guy. I work in a flower shop and kill people on the side. I'm good at it, yeah,
but I get a real kick out of arranging flowers.
Jerry: Ok. (coughs, mutters gay loser, coughs again) Why don't you share with
us, Passionate but not Compassionate Edward?
Passionate but not compassionate Edward: (Leans back in his chair, glancing
around) I kill vampires, werewolves and all that shit. I get a really kick out
of it. I wish I could kick the shit out of Jean-Claude and Richard, I'd get a
real kick out of that. Then maybe Anita would fall in love with me. Man I love
that chick. She's so independent.
Jerry: Who's Anita?
P Edward: An animator I work with.
Jerry: Oh. Now, Evil Edward that Anita Blake fans all know and love, can you
share a little with us?
Cold, evil Edward that we all know and love: (His hand stays near his gun
holster while he looks around) I'm a hit man. I kill stuff. I live to see the
last breath of my victims as blood pours from their wounds. I live for that
blood. I live to inflict pain on who I want.
Jerry: What about Anita?
C/E Edward: Well, she's like a student to me. Really, if she ever truly got in
my way, I'd kill her. Yeah, I'd miss her a little, but I'd still kill her.
Jerry: So, What's the problem?
C/E Edward: Well, Compassionate Edward is a pansy, he pretty much cries every
time he kills someone, and I don't think you should love anyone you may need to
kill someday. In other words, don't love anyone. I get off on killing. Who
needs love when you got death? Hell, he hasn't even met Anita since he hasn't
moved off of killing humans! Killing humans is no fun. I don't even consider a
human kill target practice.
C Edward: I don't see how anyone can kill! It's horrible! All that blood. I
don't even know why I'm still in the business!
Jerry: Would you like to share, passionate Edward?
P Edward: Yeah, he's a pansy.
Jerry: Well. What do you take pleasure from, Evil Edward?
C/E Edward: Killing stuff. Like I already said, I live for the fun of the hunt.
Jerry: Ok.and you, passionate Edward?
P Edward: I think it's more fun getting off on a good hunt, THEN fucking Anita.
Jerry: Where's the language beep thingie? Ya know, the one that beeps out bad
language?
Anchorman: It's broken. Remember the hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
we had last week? They broke it in the brawl.
Jerry (muttering): Damn. (To Compassionate Edward): And what do you find joy
in?
C Edward: Personally, I get off on flower arranging! It's so much fun.
C/E Edward: Man, I'm glad I'm not you! You're so incredibly GAY! I can't believe
I was you once!
(C Edward starts crying)
C Edward: I'm not gay! (sniff) But you're evil!
Jerry: .
P Edward: Geez, shut up, gaywad or eat silver.
Jerry: Silver?
P Edward and C/E Edward (in unison): We don't carry lead bullets anymore. They
aren't very effective on what we kill.
C Edward: Leave me alone! (Throws chair at C/E Edward) Don't call me a PANSY!
(C/E Edward draws gun and points it at P Edward)
C/E Edward: Eat shit. (Fires gun)
(C Edward falls down, dead)
Jerry: Hey! No guns in the building!
P Edward: Go to hell. (Shoots Jerry)
Anchorman: Hey, now who's gonna host the show??
(P Edward picks up Jerry's mike and tosses it to Oprah, who just appeared out
of nowhere)
C/E Edward (to P Edward): Fuck man, you just made it worse!
Oprah: Welcome to the Oprah show! I've just arrived where it seems there's a
fight going on. Maybe I can find out what's wrong. (Looks through script, then
says to C/E Edward): So, tell me, why do you hate the world so much?
C/E Edward: God, not again! (Shoots Oprah through the head.)
(C/E Edward and P Edward start shooting talk show hosts as they appear
randomly, asking questions about their love lives.)
C/E Edward: Man, this is boring.
P Edward: No kidding. Lets go back home and kill Donna. Then we can kill Jean-Claude
and Richard and I can woo Anita. Then you can go find some more random hit
jobs.
C/E Edward: Sounds good. Let's grab lunch first.
P Edward: Okay. Sounds good.
(They walk out of the building, shooting random people in the audience, most of
which are were-something-or-others, while chaos reigns on and around the
stage.)