So why then do I constantly think the latest woman that I meet will be different from all the other ones? What is this blind spot in an otherwise better than average intellect? At almost 35 years of age, you would think I would know by now that they are all the same. But NO! Even before the blood has congealed from the last relationship I am looking at potential replacements. What in God's name is WRONG with me?!?
To be fair to myself, it's not just me. It seems the entire male gender has this same blind spot. Well, MOST of the males anyway. And the ones that don't fall into this trap already have boyfriends anyway, so I don't think we can count them.
So why do we all do this? Sure, women have their uses, (and I don't mean that in the deragatory way it sounded,) and it is possible to have great conversations with them when they are nothing more than friends. But why is it when you actually enter a more-than-just-friendship relationship with a woman, she just loses her fucking mind? All the intelligence and other good qualities you saw in this person BEFORE said relationship seem to disappear overnight. Now they are demanding, nagging, possessive demons from Hell that are only satisfied when every waking, and most sleeping, minute of your life is devoted entirely to them. And why do we spend so fucking much time looking for this? Maybe THIS is what is meant when people say that women are the more intelligent gender.
Now, before you go starting to think that this is just going to be a couple of pages of me venting about women, pointing out their shortcommings as humans and bitching about them in general, um...wait. That IS what I am doing here. Sorry. If you're a guy reading this, then you will know exactly where this is coming from, and have undoubtedly had at least some of this happen to you. Unless you're a virgin or live in San Francisco. If you're a chick reading this - call me. No, wait. I meant, read this and learn from it. Guys are really simple to understand, as I'll explain later. But first, the fun stuff.
Let's start with the two things almost always listed first when a woman is asked what she is looking for in a man, namely a sense of humor and honesty. Now, I'm a funny guy - just ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you that. I have no problem making people laugh, so that part shouldn't be a problem. Except that the second thing they SAY they are looking for is not quite true, because that second thing is honesty.
The honesty part is actually kinda fuuny, almost ironic even, if you stop to actually look at the whole thing. Women want honesty in a man? Fair enough. I think EVERYONE needs to work on honesty a little more. But if women want honesty from men, I believe it's only right that we expect it in return. And this is where the humor and irony come into play. Speaking in generalities, any guy I know is more honest about almost everything than any chick I know. And I don't mean to say that all chicks come right out and lie to your face every chance they get, (although some do.) What I mean are things like most women aren't even honest about what they are looking for in a man, so how can they possibly expect to find it?
I'll try to keep this simple, for the slower students in the class. One of the biggest complaints I hear about men from women is that men are only interested in looks. To some degree this is true, although individual tastes will vary, and everyone has a different idea of what constitutes 'good-looking'. But what most chicks fail to mention is that they are exactly the same way. They simply don't want to admit it. I KNOW you have heard this particular bullshit before: "Men love the women they are attracted to, while women are attracted to the men they love." EEHHH! Wrong answer! Would you like to try for double jeopardy? This statement implies that women are somehow better than men for overlooking physical attributes while that's all men care about, and this is complete hogwash.
Think about it. How many times have we all seen some chick hanging off the arm of some Chippendale's wannabe with the IQ and personality of an ice cube, who treats her like shit? Meanwhile, there is some perfectly nice guy who is very interested in her, and only wants to treat her well, but is not physically appealing so he isn't worth the time of day. I have seen this COUNTLESS times, which would be impossible if that statement were true.
Which leads us to another point. Women are NOT looking for a nice guy. That's bullshit. It's just something they say right after they are dumped by some Adonis Greek God-looking dude to try and make themselves feel better. They'll actually tell Mr. Nice Guy that they are just looking for a nice guy, until the next Adonis comes along and shows a little bit of interest. Then Mr. Nice Guy is off to solo-land again. I happen to know several chicks who are in relationships like this. I cannot pretend to understand WHY they want to be in this type of relationship, but I cannot ignore the evidence before my eyes.
However, there is an exception to this, (isn't there always?) and it gives hope to the average and below-average looking guys. Money. If a guy has money, then it doesn't really matter what he looks like. As long as a portion of that money is being spent on her. And by a portion, I mean 'most' of it. I know that almost every woman alive will deny this, but that brings us right back to the honesty thing, doesn't it? One more example of men being more honest than women.
I also think there are some things that women say and do that needs a little bit of clarification. A little translating, perhaps. I am going to draw on my own experiences to attempt this. In the interests of honesty, some of these might be a little off, but not by much.
The first thing is when you are attracted to a chick, and you tell her this. Then she lays the, "I just want to be friends" line on you. What this REALLY means is, "You're ugly and poor, and I certainly don't want to be tied down to you when someone better comes along." There are many variations to this, such as "I don't want to ruin our friendship," or "I've known you so long we're practically family - and we don't live in Alabama so that's not right!" and the classic "I'm trying to focus on my career right now, and I don't have time for a relationship." These ALL mean you are about as attractive to her as a festering boil covered with diarhea located on a dead frog's ass. 99% of the time when a chick lays the friendship line on you, you have a better chance of shitting out gold bricks than of a relationship happening.
Then there's when you are in a relationship, and you want to go out and do something, and she always wants to come with you. She will say this is because she wants to spend time with you, but this is of course bullshit. Yes, sometimes it IS nice to spend time and do things together, but what she really means when she does this constantly is "I do NOT trust you, and I need to keep an eye on you constantly, because I know if I'm not there to watch you, you'll fuck the first thing that moves." It's kinda funny because trusting THEM is another one of those things they're big on, but trusting you is dumber than voting for Dubya.
I also need to mention the whole 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing. Can we finally dispense with this bullshit now? Hopefully we are starting to understand that men and women simply aren't that different from each other, with the exception of the obvious physical differences, and the honesty thing. So how about we just realize that Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth, and we're all fucked up, and let it go at that?
So maybe I can try to help chicks out a little bit in understanding men. Maybe make the whole living situation a little easier, although I am not entirely convinced that men and women are SUPPOSED to try and live together. But I'll probably keep trying anyway.
The first thing we need to realize is that men are the way they are, and that's that. It may sound simple, but men are NOT women with penises. We will never look at things the way you do, and you are just going to have to deal with that. Period. Whining will NOT change it.
Men are pigs. This is a basic law of nature. One thing men always do, (unless they live in San Francisco,) is look at women. It doesn't matter if a guy is married to the single hottest chick to ever exist on the planet, when another chick walks by his head will automatically turn. It's a reflex, kinda like breathing. Whining and bitching about it will NOT make it change or go away, so why waste everyone's time trying to change it? You would have a better chance of convincing the sun to paint itself purple with orange polka dots.
The there's the toilet seat thing. This one is really simple. Sometimes we put the seat down, sometimes we don't. It's not something we do on purpose, we just don't devote time thinking about it since on a one to ten scale of importance it's about a minus twenty-four. If you wander into the bathroom and the seat is up when you want it down, put the fucking thing down! Making a federal case of it is NOT going to help us remember next time, cuz it's never going to be important to us. It's that simple.
The remote control is another one that shouldn't tax your limited logic abilities too much. When we are sitting down at night to watch TV, there's a pretty damned good reason we don't let you have the remote. The shows you want to watch are shit. We don't wanna watch Lifetime. There is nothing on that channel that won't make suicide by starvation a viable option. That sappy 'feelings' crap makes our skin crawl, and if you make us watch it, take a word of advice and hide the cat, because we are going to need to kill SOMETHING after watching that drivel. The same goes for soap operas, Oprah and Judge Judy. They all suck.
Now here's somthing that's pretty important, and special attention needs to be paid to it. Sometimes guys do things that only guys understand, and only at an instinctual level. There is no rational explaination for it, and you'll just have to accept that there are some things in the world like that. They just are, or they just happen, with no explaination. When we tell you that you won't understand because it's a guy thing, please take our word for it and make both our lives easier. The last thing we want to do is sit there for three hoursd trying to explain a guy thing, and at the end you say you still don't understand why. We already KNOW you don't understand, and we told you that at the beginning. Please just listen to us. I know that's tough, but give it a shot, okay?
Something else pretty important: dates. We are NEVER going to remember all the dates you think are important. We simply aren't designed that way. That's one of the reasons we keep you around in the first place; to remind us of our parents' birthdays, our kids' birthdays, that we have kids, etc. We won't remember the date of our first kiss, or the day that we first met, unless it was yesterday. And even then it's kinda hazy. We don't get into all that one month, two month, three month anniversary shit. If you're into that, giggle about it with your girlfriends and leave us out of it, okay? Life will be much better this way, trust me.
And while we're talking about anniversaries, they really only count AFTER we're married. Once we're out of high school, it's just fucking goofy until you're married. I can maybe give in a little bit for anything more than a couple of years, but it HAS to be kept simple. Maybe dinner and then some fucking and done in time for Sports Center. No getting elaborate until after the wedding, thanks.
And now we get to the two single most important items I can possibly mention, and they are very similar. They're both questions you should NEVER ask. I cannot stress NEVER enough - it's that important. Do NOT ask us if you look fat, okay? We've figured out that that's a loaded question, with no possible correct answer. If we say no, we are simply lying to avoid an argument. If we say yes, we cen never fall asleep again. Actually, there is one correct answer, and that is, "Okay, so what do you want to fight about?"
The other one requires a setup. If we are out somewhere, and there is another chick, do NOT ask if we think she's pretty. Once again, loaded question with no possible correct answer. I did this once, with my ex-wife. We went to a concert where Lita Ford was the opening act. I made a comment about Lita being hot, and my wife said nothing. Until about six months later when we were having dinner one night, and she asked how it was. I was being honest and said everything was great except the chicken, which was kinda dry. So she throws down her fork and stomps away from the table, yelling that next time I should have Lita Ford cook me dinner! This was SIX FUCKING MONTHS LATER! Normal, well-balanced, logical people do NOT behave like this. But women do.
Parts of this were taken from a rant I wrote years ago, and posted on the old site, so I know I'm going to catch some shit for it. So I'm going to ask people to actually THINK about these things before sending angry emails. Nothing I have said here is untrue. It all happens, every fucking day in relationships all over the world. If you still wanna send me angry emails, saying I know nothing about women go ahead. But chances are I'm only going to make fun of you further for helping me prove my point.
Now, have a nice day. You psycho demon-spawn from Hell, you.