One of the things people complain the most about is the top ten lists, particularly the one in which I inform you, the reader, which bands and so-called musical artists suck the most. Lemme throw this out here right at the beginning, to clear up any confusion. I stick by everything on that list. Those performers all suck outrageously, and now I�m gonna tell you why.
Dire Straits � c�mon! Is this even a real band? Name someone other than Mark Knopfler in the band. I�ll bet ya can�t do it. Why? Because nobody even fucking cares. They had exactly ONE hit song, and that was ONLY because of the video. Admit it, anyone who actually likes that audio abomination that is �Money for Nothing�, every time you hear it, you think of the video. That�s all anyone does, because the song itself sucks ass. It�s too bad radio stations STILL haven�t figured that out, and insist on considering them a �classic� band. They�re not a classic band, they�re a crappy band.
Boy Bands � shit, this is even easier than the last one. How can anyone possibly argue that these cretins don�t suck? From the Backdoor Boys to N * Suck, and including the older versions like Menudo and New Fags on the Block, this entire genre is completely and totally devoid of any musical talent whatsoever. You want to know the first sign of a band with no talent, just a gimmick? The band members didn�t start the band � it was an idea from a producer. They audition hundreds of kids, and the one that gets hired is the one that LOOKS right. Musical talent doesn�t matter, as long as he fits the look they were going for. It�s a sickening twisting of the music business, and it�s a crying fuckin� shame that the mindless drones that populate our country are buying into it.
The Eagles � I have never actually liked this band, but lately, after hearing the same three songs of theirs over and over and over and over and�well, you get the picture, I now realize just how much they suck. Every song sounds almost exactly the same � BAD. If I have to hear �Hotel California� one more time I may end up going into a fast food joint with an assault rifle and whacking everyone there. But this is the type of shit they think they have to play CONSTANTLY on classic radio stations. I cannot for the life of me understand why this band is STILL attempting to tour, and more importantly, why people are PAYING to see them. I mean, sure, there�s the whole �people are complete and utter fucking morons� thing, but is that really reason enough for this band to still exist?
Any band or performer with the word �Ice� anywhere in their name - Um, ice isn�t a name. It�s frozen water shaped into a cube and used to cool your drink. Anyone who thinks it�s a name has less brainpower than the aforementioned cube. Vanilla Ice, Ice Cube, (yeah � there was an original one,) Ice T, Ice � icle, Lemon Ice and Big Fat Stupid Chunk of Ice are all retarded and need to be shot in the groin so they NEVER reproduce. Enough said about these cretins.
The Rolling Stones � seriously, they�re still touring? They�re still alive? If old age hasn�t claimed them yet, I would have assumed someone with even the smallest modicum of musical taste would have offed these pretentious pricks by now. Talk about a dearth of musical talent. These idiots are about as deep as a shot glass. And for some reason people still pay to watch these clowns perform. What I wanna know, having never been to a Stones concert, is do they wheel the band out there before or after the curtain opens? And you all know that Keith�s been dead for years, right? They just set the Keith Richards puppet out on stage while some second year guitar student plays all his parts backstage. That�s why he sounds so much better now than he used to.
Eminem � This has got to be about the simplest one of them all. He can rhyme. That�s his second-biggest talent. Whoopee. Color me not impressed. His biggest talent is being a completely and totally worthless piece of monkey excrement. He�s not a musician or a singer, so what the hell is he doing on music charts? Why is he even nominated for music awards? Obviously that part has to be chalked up to the abject stupidity of the musical consumers of this nation. But what exactly does this rat-dropping have to do with music, in any form? Nothing. And that�s exactly what he is, nothing. Someday soon the sheep are going to wake up and realize that. He can rhyme and has no musical talent, which is exactly the same way to describe Mother Goose, so why isn�t Mother Goose up for any American Music Awards?
Elvis � Now we get to the part where some people might start disagreeing with me. That�s their problem. Elvis� only talent was shaking his hips. He couldn�t sing, write, act, play a musical instrument or even talk properly. And people call him the King of Rock? I�ve heard feakin� elevator music with more pep to it than a lot of the drivel spewed by Mr. Presley. Elvis was NOT a musical force, he was a P.R. puppet. The Colonel was the only reason anyone gave a shit about this untalented hick. He convinced teenage girls that Elvis was the epitome of maledom, and they ate that shit up like it was free candy. But I�ve know many teenage girls in my life, (mostly when I was a teen myself. Don�t get any disgusting thoughts,) and I can tell you that one thing they are NOT known for is clear thinking. There were plenty of actual musicians in the 50�s, some of who were damn good, but they didn�t have the same physical qualities that Elvis had before he became famous and let his excesses devour him. Elvis should have been a porn star instead of attempting to sing. At least then I could have respected him for going with his talent.
On a side note about Elvis, I�m still disappointed by the public voting for the early Elvis for his postage stamp. That wasn�t the �King� the way he truly was. He was a bloated, pill-addicted hick and this is just another attempt by Americans to dupe ourselves into believing what we WANT to be the truth, instead of the truth. Although come to think of it, the fact that he has a postage stamp is also disappointing. I nominate Ron Jeremy for a stamp, who�s with me?
Nirvana � Yeah, I�m glad Cobain�s dead. I have no problem admitting that. He was a complete waste of flesh. �Ooh, for some reason millions of zombies like the complete shit I�m recording. I�m rich and famous and now I�m miserable. I�m gonna get hopped up on pills and blow my head off.� Fucking good. We don�t need your shit around anyway, ya jerkoff. These idiots were poison for the music scene, and luckily that shotgun was like someone calling poison control and pretty much ended the threat posed by these morons and all the Nirvana clones. I�ve never bought into the ridiculous idea of holding some band or singer responsible for something some idiot kid does who happens to listen to that band or singer. But if I did, these pinheads would be suspect number one. I admit the depressing noise they continuously spewed often made me want to kill. Sure, I only wanted to kill the band members, but it still made me want to kill. What, were the 80�s too happy? People were having too much fun so we needed Nirvana to bring us all down? What kind of shit is that? Anyone who bought a Nirvana album is dumb. Anyone who listened to it more than once and didn�t chuck it out is really fucking dumb. And anyone who still thinks they weren�t a blight on music is a fucking king idiot.
The Beatles � okay, this one is easy. Ringo fuckin� Starr. Anyone who even insinuates that this human skid mark is a drummer, not even a good drummer, but just calls him a drummer period, I will personally go to their house and kill them. I have been playing drums for 23 fucking years, and trust me, this jerkweed is NOT a drummer. Not even close. I have an eighteen-month-old niece who, with a spoon and a plastic tub, can do better than Ringo. And for the people who would say, �Well, he may not have been great, but he fit the music,� I say FUCK YOU! You�re an idiot. He fit the music because the music blew goat.
Then people point to the genius of John Lennon, saying how deep he was, and he was great and just a fuckin� genius man. I can�t help but note the fact that everyone who says that is stoned out of their mind. He was about as deep as a Petri dish. These wasted motherfuckers are mistaking being unintelligible for being a genius. John Lennon was a drug-addled half-wit, and no great loss to society. It�s just a shame that Mark David Chapman didn�t also get Yoko outside that Manhattan apartment building that December morning �all those years ago.�
Ringo is a talentless hack. Lennon was an incoherent pill-popping whackaloon, and George Harrison was virtually a nobody. He was �the other guy in the Beatles.� Only Paul McCartney had any talent at all, and he was constantly being held back by the other three. Unfortunately, all that talent seems to have left him by the late 60�s. It�s a shame he wasted his only good years in the second crappiest musical group of all time.
Which brings us to�
Led Zeppelin - Bar none the crappiest band in the known Universe. I have no clue why so many idiots insist on calling these posers one of the best bands ever. Have they actually listened to any of the, for lack of a more accurate term, �music� these dolts produced? Stairway to Heaven is the worst song ever recorded. EVER! Just hearing the opening notes makes me want to fly into a homicidal rage.
The only reason anyone even remembers these morons is because there really wasn�t anyone playing this heavy prior to them. I know countless drummers who list John Bonham as an influence, but there are so many more, literally THOUSANDS of drummers, who play far, FAR better than he ever could. Sure, he�s better than Ringo, (let�s face it, who isn�t?) but he was certainly nothing special. Not anymore anyway. Only because no one was playing in that style back in the late sixties. And as soon as they came on the scene, it didn�t take long for others to surpass him. Ginger Baker, Keith Moon, and Carmine Appice to name just a few.
The same with Jimmy Page. Once again, it was only because he was at the forefront of a new musical style that anyone even remembers who the fuck he is. Sure, he could be considered great in the late sixties and early seventies, when he had no competition. But now there are literally hundreds of guitarists who can play circles around him.
Unfortunately, I can�t even remember the fucking bass player�s name at the moment, and I don�t give a shit enough to look it up. And I don�t even wanna get started on Robert Plant, cuz I doubt I�d be able to stop if I did.
The bottom line is this band is absolutely nothing special. Perhaps at one time they were, since no one else was doing it at the time they started, but they were quickly surpassed by bands with far more talent. They should be allowed to fade away now, like they should have years ago. These mindless drones trying to keep them alive need to move on. And the surviving band members and the record companies also need to move on, because people who like good music are tired of hearing this shit.