But today I thought it might be fun to do something a little bit different. Maybe we could play a little game. Yes, while away the day on a fun little exercise I call Prove Me Wrong.
First though, there are a couple of things to keep in mind. One, I am posting this on both my regular website, and on my MySpace page, and I will provide links for the other at each site.
Second, what�s this all about? Glad you asked, friend. It�s about unmasking bullshit. It�s about a subject that I can�t seem to get out of my head. I have become almost obsessive about it. It�s about what women really want.
Y�see, I see all these articles in magazines, and hear all this garbage on TV about how men are just pigs, while women are more sensitive. Men only care about what�s on the outside, while women are more concerned with what�s on the inside. That men fall in love with women they are attracted to, while women are attracted to the men they love.
I believe it�s all complete bullshit. But feel free to prove me wrong.
You ask a woman what the top three things she wants in a man are, and the answer will almost always be honesty, a sense of humor, and a nice guy. Uh-huh. I believe the only reason they answer this way is so they don�t appear shallow. Sure, they would like these things, but they aren�t at the top of the list. They only want these things if they come packaged with looks, money, and excitement. And hey, if you can�t have everything, they can do without the honesty, humor and nice. Go ahead. Prove Me Wrong.
On the other hand, ask a guy what HIS top three things are. You�ll more than likely get an answer like a pretty face, great body, and doesn�t interrupt SportsCenter for ridiculous chatter about feelings. Now THAT�S honesty.
The whole reason I bring this up is because I am all three of those things that top the list in every single fucking poll or survey every conducted. Honest? Hell yeah. Those three answers for guys are the ones that I give. Well, the first two anyway. The third one is usually that she�s not a complete idiot so there can be some actual conversation now and then. Yeah, the guy who is constantly correcting people�s speech and writing likes to TALK to women sometimes. Go figure. A sense of humor? C�mon! Are you reading any of this shit that I write? This stuff is funny. Plus, just take a look at me. If I didn�t have a sense of humor I would have thrown myself in front of an Amtrak YEARS ago. Nice guy? Ask anyone who knows me. I mean REALLY knows me, not some cretins who think they do. There are a few people who do know me, and they will agree that I am a nice guy, despite how I seem from these little rants of mine. As long as you don�t lie to me.
There�s the whole point of this. I am EXACTLY what women SAY they are looking for. Until they see the pictures. Whoops! No, guess not, huh? That�s something that has bugged me for years now, that women claim honesty is one of the top three virtues in a potential mate, but they aren�t even being honest about that! There�s a good example of a double standard if I�ve ever seen one. Or a good example of complete bullshit. But hey � go ahead and Prove Me Wrong.
Yes, I am opinionated, and loud, and sarcastic. I get pissed about things. A LOT of things, really. But if you look at them from a certain point of view, you�ll see the reasons for my getting pissed actually do make sense. I don�t get mad about things just because I�m an angry person. I�m an angry person because of all the stupid shit people do that pisses me off. It�s a subtle difference, but a very distinct one. But all of that loud, opinionated sarcasm is HONEST, and that�s what we�re looking for, right?
A man walks into a doctor�s office with a frog on his head. The doctor looks at the man and asks, �What�s wrong with you?� The frog replies, �It started with a bump on my ass.� That�s funny. But you have to pull it out at the right moment, when no one is expecting it. And the delivery has to be deadpan, like you�re talking about the weather, or gossiping about someone�s awful hat. I can do humor. Ask anyone.
And I am always dropping things I am doing to go out of my way to help a friend. It doesn�t matter if it inconveniences me. I will always say that it didn�t. Maybe it seems like that goes against the honesty thing, but I�m sure if you think about it you�ll realize it doesn�t. Maybe technically it does, but it certainly doesn�t violate the spirit of the honesty thing, and that�s what�s important. Or giving money when I know I don�t have enough for my own needs. But it doesn�t bother me. And I don�t do it so that people will return the favor in kind. I simply do these things because it�s my nature. I like to help people. Because I�m nice. Even if I am a loud, opinionated, sarcastic jerk sometimes.
As I write this, I know nothing will change. But hey � feel free to Prove Me Wrong. I�m still gonna be the fat, unfortunate-looking geek who runs the porn shop and collects Star Wars toys. And even if I do lose the weight, nothing will change. I will never be the good-looking guy. I will probably never be the rich guy. I will never be Mr. Excitement. I will simply be honest, funny, nice me. Too bad that�s not what anyone is looking for. But hey � feel free to Prove Me Wrong.
I�m betting you can�t.
Oh - here's the link to MySpace, like I promised: Joe the Angry Monkey. Look at the blogs.