Then they came out with a couple of new flavors, which were barbeque and sour cream and onion, and things were still looking, and tasting, good. It was only a couple of choices after all, and hell, they were both pretty damn tasty.
But like all things, soon after this they started getting carried away with it. Now we had different styles of barbeque, such as mesquite and hickory smoked, and had to supplement the sour cream and onion with sour cream and chives. It was getting a little ridiculous.
But as bad as that was, it was going to get even worse. When they started having flavors that were actual foods they were just getting stupid. They have pizza flavored Pringles for Chrissakes! Seriously, you have to have a pizza-flavored potato chip? If you want something pizza flavored, might I humbly suggest you go and get yourself a fucking pizza? If you want a potato chip, then get a potato chip. If you want both, well, every single pizza place I have ever been too has a rack of those little bags of potato chips right there on the counter by the register. Get both. It�s not that tough.
The same fucking thing happened with Doritos. It used to be pretty much every nacho cheese flavored tortilla chip out there was referred to as Doritos. Of course, Doritos only came in that one flavor; Dorito flavor. Okay, I know it was nacho cheese flavor, but that was what Doritos were.
I know a lot of people seem to like the cool ranch flavored Doritos, but they were the beginning of the downfall of this once glorious snack food. There are like thirty different Doritos flavors now. They have a taco-flavored chip now. TACO! That�s ludicrous. If you want something taco-flavored, drive your happy ass down to Taco Bell and get a motherfucking taco! How goddamn difficult is that? Oh yeah, it isn�t.
And now they have some ridiculous new thing going on with their super-secret new flavor. X-13D. What the fuck? Yeah, you�re supposed to try and guess what it is, and if you guess correctly you get, well, nothing. You get to know that you have just eaten a cheeseburger-flavored snack chip. Oops! Did I just ruin it for you? Ya know what? It was ruined LONG before I told you that. Like when they started flavoring snack foods after real foods. Other foods that already exist? I don�t know about you, but I can�t wait for the day when they introduce the spinach-flavored Pringles. Hey � this might be the best way yet to get kids to eat their spinach! It�s fucking ingenious! And there�s no need to stop there, either. Let�s add veal, and liver and unsweetened cereal and all the other shit that kids hate eating as well. Yeah, they�ll still be eating nothing but snack foods, but it will contain the illusion of eating real food, the shit parents want their kids to love, while all the while knowing it�ll never happen because they hated it as a kid too. Broccoli-flavored Ruffles, Salmon-flavored Fritos, and what about fruit flavors? Hey � why not? If they�re going to be doing all this goofy shit like they are now, why should ANYTHING be off-limits?
Once again in our society we have taken an idea that started out good, and pursued it to absurdity. It�s what we always fucking do. And I for one refuse to buy into it. I only buy regular nacho-flavored Doritos, because that�s what Doritos are. It�s a philosophical thing with me. Sure, some of the other flavors might even be pretty fuckin� good, but I cannot support a system that will allow itself to be whored out the way this has. I expect licensed snack food flavors any day now. KFC Honey roasted chicken Lays potato chips, Big Mac Fritos and Pizza Hut Supreme Pan Pizza Ruffles.
God DAMN but all I want is a fucking potato chip! Is that really so much to ask for?