As I write this winter has finally come to upstate New York this year. I cannot complain about that because we're already into January and are just now getting our first real snow and cold. But now all these trouser stains that still heven't learned to drive are a danger to the one percent of us who DO know how, as well as to anyone else who happens to be out on the road. Actually, they don't even have to be out on the road to be in danger from these fuckin' pinheads. Since they all seem to think that the laws of nature and the rules of the road, as well as plain old common fucking sense, don't apply to them, you never know when one of them is going to 'accidently' drive through a shopping mall or something. Although if they happen to drive through any of those stores that cater to 13 million teenage clones out there who insist they are DIFFERENT from everyone else, that's okay. In fact, instead of a ticket these people should receive a fuckin' medal. Gold, silver or bronze depends on how many of these retards are actually in the store when the 'accident' happens.
Anyway, back to the chowderheads who don't know how to drive. It would seem to me that common sense dictates when the road conditions are not good, slow the fuck down! It's not really a difficult concept. I've already seen it several times this year, and the year's only two goddamn weeks old! Just the other night some punk in his Mustang went flying around me when I pulled into a turning lane, and I cannot help myself. I can't stop myself from thinking how good that car would look wrapped around a fuckin' utility pole. It would serve the stupid little prick right.
Then there was last week when it didn't stop snowing for three days, and I'm coming home from work the second night, at three thirty in the morning, and there is another one of these mental midgets following me. The snow is piled up almost a foot, the plows stopped running hours ago and won't start up again for a couple more hours. It's too cold out for the salt the road crews use to work on the ice hiding under the snow on the roads. It's still falling quickly and I have some twit with a brain smaller than his microscopic penis practically parking his car in my back seat.
Now under normal circumstances, I have a HUGE problem with people tailgating me. I don't deal with it very well at all. Usually I will continue slowing down until the moron behind me either gets the hint or turns off onto another road or whatever.
And that's exactly what I did this night with this particular asshole. By the time chuckles turned off onto the road he wanted, I had downshifted to second gear and we were going 12 MPH. It makes absolutely no diffence to me, since it's 3:30 in the morning and I got nowhere important to go. I have no problem keeping this up all fucking night. And this retard never did catch on. He must have followed me for about five miles or more, down several different streets and roads, before finally turning off. And when he does finally turn what does he do? He honks at me repeatedly and flashes his high beams at me several times. The little cocksmoker should be thanking me, because with his driving 'skills' I probably just saved his worthless life by forcing him to slow down. But can I even get a simple "Thank you" from the asshole? Of course not. Hopefully next time he drives into a fuckin' ditch. Punk.
One of the biggest problems during this time of year, and really during the entire year as well, although for different reasons, are the mindless consumer drones with SUVs. 95% of the dead from the neck up cretins who buy these things have absolutely no need for them. I have actually had one person tell me they had to have one of these monstrosities because they had two children. Yes, and? I assumed there HAD to be more to the reason than that, but nope. That was all they had. I remember when my dad was able to get us all around in his Chevy Astra, which for any of you who don't know, was about the size of a Dodge Neon. We didn't need a fucking truck bigger than the USS Nimitz just to carry a couple of kids to Grandma's house. That's asinine, although it's also indicitive of what's wrong with our country these days. But that's another rant.
When the roads are bad, these pinheads think that they are invulnerable in these tanks they drive. They insist on trying to drive the same way they do when the roads are clear, and that's why I cannot stop myself from laughing my motherfucking ASS off whenever I see one in a ditch on the side of the road. It's hysterical because these morons deserve it. I'll let you jagoffs in on a little secret that all of us with IQs higher than that of a rutabega know; four wheel drive means shit whens there's ice under the snow. All it means is all four wheels are not going to be able to grip, instead of just two. Yeah, that's some improvement. Sucker.
Not all of the problems with these vehicles bigger than my fuckin' house are limited to winter or bad weather though. These goliaths also cause problems during the rest of the year. The first problem is, of course, their size. These things used to be somewhat normal sized trucks, back in the 80's and early 90's, before the car companies started going absolutely fuckin' nuts with them. Why does any suburban housewife need a truck that requires a stepladder to enter? What the hell is she going to carry in this thing anyway? The fucking groceries, and that's about it. It's overkill, obviously, and a complete watse of resources. Because the amount of gasoline these things consume is outrageous. They average 9 miles to the gallon, no matter what any magazine says, or what any of the stickers on the trucks themselves say. That's all bullshit, and the people publishing it know that, but they are trying to sell over-priced vehicles, and the truth can only hurt those sales. Why does a lawyer need to drive one of these things? Or an advertising executive? There is no reason for it. These are nothing more than status symbols for people who have money now. 15 years ago trucks cost a lot less than cars, both to buy and to maintain. But as soon as they became a status thing and everyone had to have one that was bigger than their neighbor's the cost went through the fuckin' roof!
The sheer size of these trucks makes them dangerous no matter what the weather is like. At a stop light, it's impossible to see around them if you are in the left turn lane, and they are in the opposite left turn lane, to see if there is any oncoming traffic. Of course, the dickhead behind you in yet another SUV can see if there is any traffic, and he's honking like his arm is on a highly compressed spring to try and make me turn, whether I can see around this apartment building-sized obstruction across from me or not. I maintain that it should be legal to motion these honking buffoons around me, then secretly follow them home, and when they go in the house, pour sugar in their gas tanks. Does that sound cruel? Well, most of these people are dumber than a box of hair, and you need to get their attention before they can change their annoying habits.
They are also a problem is parking lots, once again because of their size. I have a small car. Almost every car I have ever owned has been a small car, a NORMAL sized car. Not something a Brachiosaur could fit in. When I go shopping, or to the movies or a restaurant or anywhere else that many people park, I have to deal with these monstrosities again. And when I am trying to pull out of a parking spot with one of these fucking things on each side, It's almost like I need those guys from the airport with the glowing cones directing me out of the spot. I think it should be legal for me, in this situation, to get out of my car and slash this assholes tires to make the vehicle a little lower and maybe a little easier to see around. That would serve the fucker right.
You know what I think would be a great idea for these fuckin' rolling deathtraps? A new tax. A luxury tax charged to everyone who buys one of these things. That might help offset all the problems people are causing by buying these fucking things. I think a 10% luxury tax, due IN CASH when the vehicle is purchased, is a damn fine idea. And this tax would be applicable to anyone who cannot PROVE that they need a truck this big for business or some other legitimate reason. And just because you are using it for a business does not automatically qualify you for not having to pay the 10%. Hell, even most of the people I know who are in the construction and remodelling business don't drive these huge fucking things, because they know they don't need them. You know what I was driving when I was doing remodelling? A fucking Oldsmobile Cutlass, and all my tools fit in it just fine, with plenty of room to spare. So there will be VERY few excuses for people not to pay this tax. And then we would start to see a lot of these Goddamn things disappear pretty fucking quick, I'll bet.
And we can't just limit it to new purchases either. Anyone who bought one of these rolling crimes against common sense in the past ten years, who still owns the fucking thing, should be taxed on the original sticker price. And used SUVs need to be taxed as well, so people can't get around it that way.
Another thing this could probably help is gas prices. If people can't afford to buy these ridiculous things, then they won't need to be filling up every day on the way home from work. And maybe if we don't need to buy as much gas, the petroleum companies won't have to pay as much for it, and thus we won't pay as much at the pump. That would be a nice thing for me, and for a lot of other people who drive reasonably sized vehicles and have not contributed to this problem at all.
Or, another thing we could do is have two seperate pumps at the gas station, with two seperate prices. If you own a small car, you would pay one, lower price, and if you own one of these house-sized things, you would have to pay more. Fair is fair, after all. Why should I be penalized for a situation I am not causing?
Of course, not ALL the problems encountered on the road are caused by SUVs, or happen during less than favorable road conditions. There are plenty of times that people, (other drivers,) are simply idiots. One example: I've noticed lately that a LOT of people don't know what they are supposed to do at a four-way stop. It's not really that tough and it's one of the questions asked on the test before you can even get a fucking learner's permit, but some people still don't know how to handle this obviously confusing situation. The first person to the stop sign is the first person to go. If two vehicles reach the stop sign at the same moment, the one on the right has the right-of-way. See? Not brain surgery here, but something pretty simple.
Along those same lines are the people who don't know how to react to a traffic light that has lost power. It's the same as a four-way stop. This is another item covered before you can have your license. What's so damned difficult about these things anyway?
A big threat to responsible drivers out there are young drivers. This is something I never thought I would say, but after the past few years driving, and as I get older, I cannot help but notice it. And I am quite certain that way back when, when I first started driving, I was an irresponsible, dangerous punk as well. Thankfully, I managed to grow up and not treat my vehicle and the roads I drive it on as toys. But most young people, when they first start driving, are so reckless that everyone on the road with them is in danger. Mostly because of a serious lack of training in the driver's education department. Pilots have to log a certain amount of air time before they can receive their license. I think this is a good idea for drivers as well.
I also wouldn't be opposed to the idea of re-testing people every ten years or so. Because aside from young, inexperienced drivers, I also see quite a few older drivers who still zoom around our highways recklessly. How often have we all seen Mr. Important Business Asshole in his high priced import yammering away on his cell phone while weaving in and out of traffic at 80 miles an hour? And while he's doing this, he's throwing the finger at everyone else for holding him up when he's so obviously more important than the rest of us. When this piece of crap eventually wraps that expensive sedan of his around a Goddamn utility pole, I will laugh my ASS off!
Another danger is old people, and that generally their reflexes are no longer up to the task of navigating our roadways. Especially not with the cretins I have mentioned already populating them. In most cases, I do have tons of respect for our senior citizens, but some of them have to come to the realization that they can't do the things they used to do. That's just something that happens aas their bodies begin to shut down.
And one of the biggest hazards on the roads today? Cops. Y'know, those idiots who are SUPPOSED to be enforcing the rules, but cannot seem to do this without breaking, no shattering all of them every time they get behind the wheel. I don't believe I have seen a more reckless group on the roads. They even make the sixteen-years olds look mature and responsible, and that takes quite an effort. Turning on their lights and sirens simply because they don't feel like waiting at a stop light. Tailgating other drivers in the hopes of spooking them into doing something they can ticket them for. These are only a couple of examples off the top of my head, but it shows what kind of people they are.
And lastly, what the fuck is up with all the nimrods riding bicycles in the fucking road? People, a bicycle is NOT a vehicle. It's a moving speed-bump. I know too many people who have hit bicyclists because of their tendency to dart out in front of cars. I also knew some who were on the bikes and are no longer with us. Bicycles have absolutely NO business being on the road with motorized vehicles. Basically, all they are is a child's toy or a piece of excercize equipment. You wouldn't ride a fucking Big Wheel down the street, would you? Or try to take your Sair Master for a spin around town, right? So what's the difference? There really isn't one.
I'll tell you what, as soon as the average bicyclist can keep up with traffic on the interstate, then I will admit that they are vehicles worthy of the roads. And keep in mind I said average, and not some Olympic superstar cyclist. I would also say that the bike needs to be equipped with turn signals, air bags, headlights, brake lights and all the other stuff required by cars. AND they should be required to pass the sam inspection that cars have to pass to be able to drive on the roads. And then the registration, and insurance. If we are supposed to take bicycles seriously as vehicles on the road, then let them pay the same fucking admission price as everyone else.
Not that any of this is going to change anytime soon. That's one guarantee I can make. Maybe someday we'll have nothing but responsible people on the roads, behaving the way they should to keep the driving environment as safe as possible for all of us. But then, since there will always be people involved I kinda doubt it. I think I'm gonna go buy a nice suit of armor to wear while I'm driving, because I sure as hell don't trust the other people behind the wheel.