The bad part about the whole thing was it was in New Jersey. Yeah, we�ve all heard the jokes about New Jersey. Y�know, the toll booth capital of the world, and the garden state only applies if you�re growing smoke stacks. Well, the smoke stack thing isn�t really any worse than anywhere else in the country that I�ve been, but the toll booth thing is most definitely true.
In fact, everything involved with driving in New Jersey pretty much blows goat. You start with the fucking Turnpike. Great idea, right? Yeah, sure. Okay, so when I first got on the fucking thing, I saw something that made me think everyone who complained about driving in Jersey was simply out of their minds. Which isn�t all that farfetched anyway, and you know that if you have ever met any people. They�re pretty fuckin� dumb, most of �em.
But the thing I saw that I thought was great was SEPERATE LANES for the tractor trailer and bus traffic. This to me seems like a grand fucking idea, since those things are rolling death anyway. So great, keep the fuckers away from me, and I will motor happily on with my life.
And traffic was moving pretty good, especially since I got there just a little before rush hour, and there were already about seven million cars at the toll booth ahead of me to get on the damned Turnpike. And not a single one of them had exact change. By the time I got to the Turnpike, (before going through the toll booth,) I noticed on the map that I only had about thirty miles to go to reach my destination. I was happy, thinking I could get there ahead of schedule. HA!
Like I said, this separate lanes thing seemed like a good idea, and traffic was going good. I only had to drive on the Turnpike for about twenty miles anyway, so how bad could it be? Well, I found out how bad it could be five miles later when everything came to an abrupt halt. At first I thought it was an accident up ahead, but no, that wasn�t the case. It seems that ten miles after I got on the Turnpike, all the fucking lanes MERGE, and they don�t keep the traffic separate anymore. Three car lanes and three tractor trailer lanes all merge into simply four lanes that anyone can use. If the separate lanes thing was one of the best ideas I had ever seen, then this had to be one of the worst. And I�ve seen a lot of bad ideas in my lifetime. They just seem to follow me around, whacking me on the head with a stick everywhere I go.
I�m not joking; it took about forty motherfucking minutes to go that next six miles. And this is something they planned and did on purpose. We�ll let traffic flow really well, with no problems, for a few miles, and then we�ll JAM IT ALL UP SO NOBODY CAN GO ANYWHERE! I was beginning to understand why so many people make jokes about New Jersey.
Anyway, I finally get off the Turnpike, and I think everything else should be easy now. Once again, HA! The roads are laid out so badly in Jersey that I swear to God you could put Mr. Potato Head arms on a grapefruit, stuff a crayon in its hand, and it could come up with a better plan for traffic flow. I am not kidding when I say I had to make five right turns to get to my hotel, which you could see from the fucking highway as you were approaching the toll booth. It was that close. I actually had to circle around the fucking thing to get to it. That�s just insane.
At one point while I was there, I had to go to a convenience store. This was an adventure, lemme tell you. First of all, most of the people in New Jersey are much stupider than the average person. I went through three people, and I still couldn�t get decent directions. And as it turned out, I only had to go one street over and up three lights. How fucking hard is that to tell someone? �Go out this driveway, and straight across the road up to the next street. Take a left at the light, and go up to your third light, and there is the store on your right.� A bowl of guacamole could tell you that, and it wouldn�t even have to strain itself, but three desk clerks at the Ramada in couldn�t manage that between them.
I don�t think people in New Jersey are stupid because they live by a nuclear power plant. I think they put the nuclear power plant in New Jersey because there was no way it could make the people there any dumber. Christ, even fuckers in Arkansas who are married to their sister, and are their own father are thinking that people in New Jersey are pretty fucking stupid.
Leaving this place was even more frustrating than getting there, and more costly as well. When I pulled out of the hotel parking lot, I could see the on ramp to the highway that I needed, right there on my right, about 200 yards away. But you couldn�t go that way. Oh sure, the road went right past it, but you have to turn left. Unless you are going straight PAST the on ramp to the highway. Then you can turn right. But to get to the highway, which is on the right, you have to turn left. You have to go up to the SECOND intersection, and take another right, and a quick left into this circle thing that brings you right back up to the light you were just at, only this time you are crossing the road you were just on, heading further away from where you want to be.
When you get to the NEXT intersection, you take a left, then go down to your THIRD light, passing both the first road you crossed going the other direction, and the hotel, only from the other side. You also pass under the highway, which is the road you fucking WANT to be on, and then take another left up to the next intersection. Then it�s one more left to get on the on ramp to the highway, and you realize that you�ve just traveled four miles to go 200 yards from where you started. You also realize that if there was a meltdown at that nuclear reactor, you would throw a fucking party because these idiots would deserve it!
And the more costly part? When I was heading into Jersey, I had to stop and pay at two toll booths. I was kinda wondering at that point why people complained about that shit so much. Well, going home, taking the exact same route in reverse, I had to stop and pay FIVE TIMES! New Jersey is the world�s biggest fucking roach motel. You can get in, but you can�t get back out.
I�ve gone on a lot of trips over the years, and never have I been so happy to see that cheap-looking, drab �Welcome to New York� sign as I was that Sunday afternoon. Now the only thing I have to look forward to is going back there again next year. The hair on the back of my neck is already standing up thinking about it.