Anyway, I went to our local Wal-Mart to get it, since that is the only store around here that sells DVDs, and guess what? They don�t fucking have it. Yeah, there�s a surprise, right?
So naturally I get a little irritated. I mean, Wal-Mart pushed all the other businesses out of town, and then decides to NOT carry the stuff that people actually want. They had a crapload of copies of the also-just-released animated Highlander, which is complete and total garbage. Most people didn�t even know such a thing existed, and if any of them watch this travesty, which makes the movie Highlander:Endgame look like pure cinematic genius, they will immediately long for the days before they even heard of it.
(By the way, in case you�re wondering about the comparison, Highlander:Endgame REALLY sucked ass. So imagine how bad THIS shit is.)
But I don�t get really pissed, because this isn�t exactly unexpected. After all, we live at the east end of nowhere, and it�s a rather small Wal-Mart. I figure I can just go to one of the other ones, and they should have it. One of the larger ones in one of the nearby bigger cities. Well, �cities� might be pushing it a little. And come to think of it, �bigger� might also be stretching things a little, but at least they are a little bigger than this slight swelling in the highway we call the village of Waterloo, NY.
So I travel to Geneva first, because it�s the next closest, and a little bigger than here. And lo and behold � no Fall Guy DVD. Still not too awfully surprised here, since Geneva isn�t much bigger than ours. So I decide this time to ask the friendly and knowledgeable clerk in the electronics department. (Anyone who has bought something in the electronics department at any Wal-Mart will get the joke there.) The dude looked at me like I was painted purple, naked, and spinning in circles in the middle of his department singing the theme song from Mr. Ed. I�m sure it didn�t help matters much that the nimrod probably wasn�t born yet when the show was on the air. Yeah, I know. I�m old.
I try to explain the show to him, and ask him if he can look it up and see if they did get any, and are simply sold out, or if they simply aren�t getting it. Could I maybe order it? That would be nice if they aren�t going to get it. I could get it from Netflix, but I don�t really want to. I have been waiting YEARS for this show to come out on DVD, and now that it�s finally here I want my own copy.
But of course the ass clown is still looking at me like I just asked him to unravel the meaning of life sometime within the next eight seconds, instead of just asking him the simple question I did. It should NOT have taken that much brain power to either go over to your little computer thingee there and look it up, or tell me you had no way to look it up. But after contemplating this monumental interrogative I have posed to him, he eventually manages to come up with, �Uh�I don�t know.�
BRILLIANT!
I love seeing the tax dollars I am contributing to the public schools these gene pool skimmings attend actually doing some good. I suppose it could have always been worse. He could have said, �Uh�I don�t knizzle.� That would have sent me into an immediate berserker rage.
So I figure I�m not getting anywhere with the next president of Mensa, so I just walk away without killing him, and decide to go that night to the Wal-Mart in Auburn. That one�s a SuperCenter, and although I loathe that particular store with every fiber of my being, I am willing to suck it up and go there in the hopes of finally obtaining the DVD I am so desperately by this time searching after.
Half an hour later I arrive at my third Wal-Mart in 24 hours, still looking for the same one item. I head straight to the electronics department, and stare intently at every single DVD in the place. And what do I find at this SuperCenter? This unparalleled mecca of consumerism? This city-sized abomination that has separate zip codes for the different departments in the store?
No Fall Guy.
Okay, that�s not QUITE true. Y�see, there are two different versions of it that have come out, allegedly. And I say that because I as of yet have not actually seen this fucking thing. But there are two versions. One is the regular six-disc set with all 22 episodes on it, and the other is two three-disc sets that each contain 11 episodes. WHY they did this I have no clue, but they did. And this particular Wal-Mart had the first half of the split set, but not the second half. What the fuck good is that doing?
So I figure once again I will have to attempt to engage a Wal-Mart employee in conversation. Bracing myself, I walk over to the counter and notice what looks to be the Million Man March part II standing around behind the counter. I believe they had more people there than actually LIVE in Auburn, which means they are now IMPORTING people to stand around and ignore customers.
I go up to the counter and watch most of these friendly, knowledgeable �sales associates� evaporate like they were mirages or something, and the girl who apparently drew the short straw looks to be cowering behind the register, terrified that I am there to ask her a question about the department she works in or something. I swear to God I actually lowered my voice to ask her if she knew whether or not they had the other half of the split set, or the full one somewhere that I just overlooked, because I was afraid she would simply shatter and I would end up having to pay for her thanks to the �You break it, you buy it� policy.
And, are ya ready for a surprise? She had no more of a clue than the putz at the Geneva store did what I was talking about. I actually had to coerce her into coming over to the DVD aisle to show her the half of the split set they DID have, and I�m pretty sure she still didn�t get it. She was humoring me. That happens enough to me in my life that I can usually recognize it pretty quickly. I decide not to go through the whole ordeal of the being stared at like I�m speaking Klingon or something this time, and instead just walk away, disgusted with the whole thing.
I still don�t have The Fall Guy. I stopped at an FYE on the way home from Auburn, fully expecting to just walk in there, pay twenty bucks more than ANYPLACE else, and go home and watch The Fall Guy. Obviously that didn�t happen, because the store called For Your Entertainment didn�t fucking have it. Know what they did have?
The fucking animated Highlander DVD.
It would seem I need to lower my standards if I want to be entertained. Or even just try to muddle my way through this world. Because when something like The Fall Guy comes out after years of people waiting, and believe me, I am NOT the only person who has been wondering where it was, and NOT ONE SINGLE GODFORSAKEN STORE in a six-county radius has the fucking thing, you just have to question, well, everything.
And now, since I have no Fall Guy, I am going to go watch something I already own. Again.
Woo-hoo.