Now I don�t wanna sound like I�m saying I�m smarter than all the other people out there, but, well�for the most part I am. That being said, this actually has very little to do with intelligence, and a LOT to do with common sense. Sure, some deals with the ability to read, which quite possibly is beyond some of these cheesedicks, but mostly its shit that a retarded fencepost would be able to figure out.
This rant is gonna be illustrated with anecdotes from my own store, and trust me, there is plenty of material to work with there. The stupid that collects there on a daily basis in the form of customers almost has to be seen to be believed. But I am going to do my damnedest to describe a portion of it to you.
First, for those of you who don�t already know, we�re talking about a porn shop. We sell all the usual stuff, like DVDs and magazines, vibrators and lingerie, and all the stuff that you would imagine a porn shop would sell. We also have a small head shop in there, and the video arcade where customers pay to see clips of movies.
Let�s start with the head shop stuff, cuz that�s always a lot of fun and junkies are pretty much the stupidest people on Earth. You need to know that BONGS are illegal. This is an important thing to remember. All of the pipes are in glass cases around the register, and on every glass case there is a sign. It tells people that calling the pipes BONGS or BOWLS will result in them being corrected once, and then asked to leave the store. BONGS imply you are going to use the pipe to smoke an illegal substance, such as marijuana, instead of the tobacco that they are LEGALLY sold for. Now, I�m not an idiot. I know what every single person who buys one of these is using it for, and so do the cops. But the game has to be played, and the correct terminology has to be used.
So why then do we have at least several of these idiots come in every fucking day and immediately break out with one of the �B� words? And a lot of times it�s not even the college kids, who are naturally stupid anyway, but older folks. People in their forties and fifties who SHOULD know better. And when we correct them, they laugh and in almost every single case say something along the lines of, �Whatever man. It�s still a bong.� What is so terribly difficult about this simple little rule? It�s not exactly rocket science. Don�t imply you are using the pipe for an illegal activity. There have actually been several people who have tried to correct US! They�ll say, �Can I take a look at this bong?� We�ll say, �You mean the WATER PIPE?� And they�ll reply, �No, the bong right here.� Yeah, the one sitting RIGHT UNDER THE FUCKING NOTE. These people need to be beaten with hammers.
The note even mentions them NOT making jokes about it, since they are NOT funny people. We tell them they are water pipes, not bongs, and some idiot has to laugh, or say something sarcastic. NOT a good idea. I have yelled at people for that. There was a guy in there the other night, drunk out of his mind of course, kept going on about bongs. I corrected him once, telling him they were water pipes. He said bong again, right after that, so I told him if he said that word one more time he was out of the store. They are WATER PIPES. He says, �Whatever you wanna call �em, that�s what they are.� No. In this store, you WILL call them water pipes, or you will go elsewhere, chowderhead. God, but the urge to kill these simpletons is so overwhelming sometimes it hurts to keep it in.
Then we get people in there looking for drinks or pills to help them pass a drug test. Yes, we sell those products, the same as GNC, but you CANNOT call them that. Y�see, drugs are ILLEGAL, so naturally so is any product that would enable you to pass a drug screening you would otherwise fail miserably. We sell products for healthy-minded people who are concerned about the toxins in the air polluting their system. At least that�s what the package says, and we are sticking to that story. We have to if we want to keep selling this stuff. I personally DON�T want to continue selling it, but it�s not my call. I would love it if all these junkies couldn�t get this stuff, and they all failed their screenings, whether it be for work and they lose their job, or for probation and they go to jail. It doesn�t matter to me. That SHOULD be the consequence for doing this anyway, and I for one would love to see it happen.
But it�s the same thing as with the pipes. Idiots come in and ask for something to help them pass a drug test. How about free advice, asshole? Stop doing drugs. Hell, MY life sucks ass, and I don�t use �em. Sure, maybe I drink too much now and then, but never when I have to work or go anywhere. Of course, other than work, I really have nowhere to go any more. But that�s another story. We correct them, asking if they mean something to cleanse their system of the toxins in the air, and they look at us stupidly, then agree, and then ask how quickly it works because they have to take the drug test in a few hours. And people say that weed doesn�t affect your brain. I�ve never known a single person whom it didn�t affect negatively. If it�s true that it doesn�t have any effect, then 1.) Why use it? And 2.) If it has no effect, were ALL these people really born stupid? Just curious, because I have never met an intelligent junkie.
We have actually had people come INTO THE STORE with USED PIPES, asking if they could exchange them, or for a refund, or if we had a new stem for their water pipe. What the FUCK?!? What kind of nimrod brings a pipe with resin into a legal place of business? You have to be dumber than a bag of hammers to do something like that, and we make sure to tell these dipshit so. In no uncertain terms. Usually something along the lines of, �Get the fuck OUT of here with that thing, idiot! Even a dead trout knows you can�t bring a pipe with resin in it into a shop! God DAMN you�re fuckin� stupid, son.� Hey � it takes a bit to get through to a junkie, since they aren�t quite as smart as the last crap I took.
So okay, we know junkies are fuckin� idiots. That shouldn�t be news to anyone with an IQ higher than a watermelon�s. Let�s move on to the trouser stains who come in to use the video arcade, or Booth Monkeys as we not-so-affectionately refer to them. It�s a toss-up whether this group or the junkies are stupider. Okay, it really isn�t, since junkies are the lowest form of life on the planet, but these guys are a close second. And hell! A lot of them are junkies as well, so they get to be rated lower on the scale than either group. It�s a whole new sub-category! YAY!
Now first of all, when you come up to the counter with nothing in your hand, no merchandise to buy anyway, and hand one of us a five-dollar bill, we already KNOW what you want. We might not be able to redesign the fuckin� space shuttle, but we can figure out change! Especially if you�re one of the cretins who comes in there EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY! YOU may be stupid, but we are not. Along those same lines, if you hand us a twenty and either say nothing, or generically ask for �change�, you are getting a ten, a five and five ones. That�s how it is. If you want it broken down another way, FUCKING SPEAK! If I count out the change and hand it to you, and then you say you wanted ten ones instead of five, do NOT be surprised when I get irritated with you. I don�t like very many people as it is, so don�t push it, palm-jockey.
Oh, and while we�re at it, how about you fuckers learn to READ? Sound like a good plan? And then work on your reading COMPREHENSION, so you know what the shit you just looked at MEANS! I get tired of kicking you homo fuckers out because you have to cram more than one guy in a booth, when it says, plain as day, on EVERY SINGLE DOOR, �One person per booth!� (And I know that�s not all you�re cramming, you sick fucks. Go home and do that, okay?) Okay, maybe I don�t get tired of kicking you out. I actually kind of enjoy it, because remember, I don�t really like people, so anything I get to do to interrupt the flow of someone�s day, other than a handful of people I actually DO like, then I get a little satisfaction out of that.
And while we�re discussing the ability to read AND comprehend, there are signs on the front door, and the same signs on the back door. They contain some very important information about the establishment you are about to enter. Such as, NO ONE under the age of 18 YEARS is allowed in the store. Period! NO EXCEPTIONS! What this means to you, Parent of the Year, is DO NOT try and bring your six-month old baby in. And don�t try to reason with me about this. I�ve heard all the lame shit you people say already. It wasn�t interesting or meaningful the first time, and it certainly isn�t the one hundredth time. All I am going to do is toss derisive comments your way as you exit the store.
These twits actually think that telling me, �But it�s MY baby!� is going to get me to change my mind or something. Hey, assbag. It�s not MY law. Go call your fucking Congressperson and tell THEM you want the law changed so you can bring a baby into a porn shop. See how far you get. Don�t sit there and try to argue with me about it, because I care about neither you nor your spawn. I don�t care if it won�t understand because it�s too young. Apparently YOU don�t understand either, you retarded ballsac.
Another sign tells people NOT to bring food or drink into the store. This SHOULD be fairly simple, since you have to DRIVE to get there. No one really lives close enough to walk, so there�s no reason to bring a drink in. It�s not like you�re going to be there for hours, and might get dehydrated. It�s not that big a store, and it should only take you a few minutes to find what you�re looking for, pay me, and get the fuck out. If you can�t go that long without a drink, I suggest you seek medical help immediately! And when I tell you, AFTER you pass the sign, that you have to leave your drink on the counter, don�t give me any shit. Chances are pretty good that I already hate you, simply because you�re a person. Don�t exacerbate the situation, okay? Don�t ask me if it�s gonna be safe there. If you�re that paranoid about it, BRING THE FUCKIN� THING BACK OUT TO YOUR CAR, ASSHOLE! We are NOT running a day-care service for soft drinks here.
Another important thing to keep in mind here is the layout of the store, or more specifically, the placement of the cash registers. There is a long counter running from the front door halfway to the west end of the store, and on that counter, to the right if you are looking at it, are two cash registers. There is a small stretch of counter, a register, another stretch of counter, another register, and then a LONG counter. At the far end of the counter is, you guessed it, another sign. This one tells people there is no register down here, and they should move right along to the end of the counter upon which the registers actually sit. I figure this will greatly help facilitate the actual purchasing process, both for us AND for the customers.
I get somewhat frustrated with the number of asswipes who STILL bring their merchandise to the wrong end of the counter, the end where there are NO registers. It�s painfully obvious that there are no registers there. It�s a plain glass counter with nothing on it. The registers aren�t hidden somewhere. They aren�t cleverly disguised as thin air. There are in plain sight, down at the other end of the counter. It�s a sad reflection on society that I even HAVE to put a sign up telling people there is no register on the plain, empty glass counter. It�s an even sadder reflection upon society that people still go there to pay for their shit. What�s next? People are going to wave their arms in the aisle where they are standing and yell that they are ready to check out? I swear to God I will throw something at them. Something heavy. Like maybe one of the registers. THAT would most likely get their attention.
Another thing they do, and this happened just this afternoon once again, is go to the wrong resister. Now, if no one is standing at either of the registers, I can understand this to some degree. Although being a person with an IQ higher than Jell-O, I would elect to go to the counter space BETWEEN the registers, since then it wouldn�t matter which one is being used. But that would require a modicum of logic, and perhaps a dash of deductive reasoning with just a sprinkling of common sense. Those are unfortunately three things in very short supply around here. And by around here, I mean Earth.
But when one of these cretins watches us ring up three separate customers on the same register, the one on the left if you are facing them, and then stares at us the entire time they are walking RIGHT PAST US to the other side of the other register, well, it should be legal to murder their entire family, just to be certain we cleaned up the pollution. Once again, you don�t have to be able to perform brain surgery to simply follow the example set by ALL THE OTHER CUSTOMERS, and go to the same register.
And while we�re discussing the retarded customers paying for their purchases, there is one thing that a lot of them do that REALLY frosts my mug. When I give you the total, and hold my hand out towards you to take the money, DON�T put it on the fucking counter! That irritates the shit out of me, and it�s just plain fucking rude! I don�t do that shit when I go to a store, simply because it IS rude. It�s like saying the clerk isn�t worth the extra effort to reach your arm a few more inches and hand them the cash like they are a human being. Hey � I don�t throw your merchandise at you, do I? I don�t just chuck it on the floor and walk away, right? No, I fucking hand it to you, WITH your Goddamn change, AND wish you a nice day. I should simply leave the shit all on the counter, sitting NEXT TO the bag, and let you take care of it yourself. It would serve these crotch-monkeys right if I did that.
Another little issue is the bag. DON�T ask if we have a bag before we have even rung the shit up, okay? We will get to that, but it�s at the END of the process, right before we hand you your purchase and tell you to get the hell out, er�I mean have a nice day. I mean, if you�re gonna be an asshole about it, why not ask if we have a bag as soon as you walk in the store, BEFORE you do any of the actual shopping. This way, if we DON�T have one, and are in fact the ONLY store in North America that doesn�t use bags, you can leave without going through all the hassle of shopping, only to find out you have to carry the items you purchased out in an old cereal box, as we have no bags. FUCK YOU!
God, but this whole retail thing would be so much easier without customers.
Another thing a few of these meat waffles have done is complain about us opening the dildo and putting batteries in it to make sure it works. Yeah, we have to test the toys before we sell them, and we tell the customers so. And yeah, I have heard all the jokes about that. They weren�t funny the first time, they still aren�t funny. They are not original, they�re fucking lame, and so are the people who tell them. I hope these unevolved chimps all die horrible, flaming deaths.
We HAVE to test them, because we do not, for reasons that SHOULD be obvious, accept returns. But I�ll spell it out for ya anyway, by asking a question. Would YOU want to buy a used dildo? Pretty fucking gross, right? Yeah. So why the fuck would we take one back, or exchange it? That simply doesn�t make any sense. So we test them, and if they don�t work, we don�t sell them. If they DO work, and it breaks at home, well obviously you were doing something wrong.
And on that note, I think I�ll leave the customers in peace for a while. Although I am quite certain that I will be back here at some point with all-new tales of sheer idiocy from the porn shop patrons. Stay tuned�