Now, I know I've said this before, but I love movies. I despise television, (except for wrestling and football,) but movies are okay by me. The whole theater experience is part of the reason, or at least it used to be. I can remember a time not so very long ago when the only thing you had to worry might suck about going to the theater was the movie itself. And while that is still a problem, what with unfiltered shit like Titanic and The Matrix being shoved down our throats, it is hardly the most annoying part anymore.
Let's start at the beginning, which is where most things should be started. Unless it's a chick-flick, in which case right about the time the end credits role is a good time to come in. Trust me on this one. Okay, this would actually be the THIRD step in the movie-going experience, but I'm not going to complain about choosing which movie to see, and then driving to the theater, which would be steps one and two. Although the steps might not follow that order anymore, and that's what my first complaint is about. It used to be you would decide what you wanted to see, drive down to the theater where it was showing, and if it was a popular movie you would stand in line for your tickets. Or if it was something like Friday the 13th Part 67 you would just buy a ticket and walk right in to the near-empty theater.
Now however, you have to purchase your tickets approximately three years in advance if you want to see a movie. Yes, in most cases that means you have to already hold tickets to a movie they haven't yet announced they are making. Well, isn't that interesting? Okay, I know that doesn't really happen for most movies, just the really big ones. Like Lord of the Rings, although this time I bought my tickets a week in advance. I am rather annoyed that I have to do that, even though it's only the second time I have. The first time was The Phantom Menace a few years ago, but that was a somewhat different situation that I may or may not get into another time. I think they need to outlaw advance ticket sales. The only acceptable advance sales should be the same-day sales that they used to have when I was a kid, and even that might be pushing it. That would give those of us with lives and jobs a chance to get in to see the movie as well. And no more of this shit with selling tickets over the internet or the phone either. People are too fuckin' lazy as it is. We don't need shit like this encouraging these trouser stains. If you wanna be at the first showing of The Two Towers next Christmas, get your worthless carcass down to the theater that morning and stand in line with the rest of us you lazy fuck.
The next part of the whole movie-going experience that is bugging me is the trailers attached to the beginning of the film. (Actually, I am not really doing this in the order that they happen in the theater. I apologize if you don't like that, but I don't mean it.) That used to be a part of the movie I really looked forward to. Sometimes it was the best part! But lately they have been making some really bizarre choices as to what trailers they put in front of which movies. They used to put trailers for movies that targeted the same audience that the main feature was, but now it seems like they're just picking things at random. Now, I know all about that diversity crap, and about being a 'well-rounded' person with varying tastes and all that shit, but this is ridiculous. The reason I am going to see The Fellowship of the Ring is because that is the type of movie I find entertaining, and that's why I went to the theater in the first place. To be entertained. Not to have my horizon's broadened, but to forget about everything else in my life that sucks for a couple of hours.
So when I go to a movie and they show me some previews, I would be much happier if they were previews for another movie I might actually go see. Now in all fairness, Lord of the Rings did have many trailers that seemed to go over big with the target audience. Things like Spider-man and Blade II have some of the same audience, and in most video stores you will find them all in the same section. And I think that ought to be the deciding factor here; what category would Blockbuster put a movie in? A fantasy/sci-fi movie should have fantasy/sci-fi previews. A comedy film should have comedy previews, and so on. It just makes sense. If I am at the movies watching something with Arnold or Sly Stallone, I don't want to see previews for the next lame Disney movie, or worse, some fuckin' mind-numbingly dull 'chick flick'. A little consistency is all I'm asking for here. That and some common sense. I know, good luck with THAT.
On a side note, I mentioned earlier about that I go to movies strictly to be entertained, and that's something I think should be most important when making these little films. I'm not looking for moral encouragement or spiritual enlightenment. I'm not looking for a history lesson I have to pay eight bucks for. I'm not looking for someone to spell out the secrets of the universe to me. I'm looking for Arnold Schwarzenegger killing some guy with a curling iron and then making a joke about it. Simple entertainment. And despite what these over-indulgent, pampered trouser stains we call professional critics like to think, There doesn't always have to be deep character development or complicated plots to have a good movie. In my opinion Star Wars is the best movie ever made, and it certainly has a rather simple plot. But it IS entertaining, and that's what matters. So take note Hollywood, we need more FUN movies, and less of this plodding, heavy-handed shit you're trying to push on us.
Oh - and if you happen to be one of those people who likes those ridiculous little French 'art house' movies, may I respectfully recommend that you fucking MOVE TO FRANCE!
Okay, back to the movie-going experience. One really huge problem I have with movies recently is COMMERCIALS. What the hell is this shit? It's not bad enough that when I'm sitting at home trying to watch The Tick (which by the way, everyone should be watching. Fuck that drivel like Friends or ER Those suck. The Tick is by far the best show television has produced in years.) I have to put up with these ridiculous advertisements for femine hygiene products and spray-on hair. But that's not enough anymore. No, now I have to sit through this shit when I'm at the theater too! Someone should be quite literally dragged out into the street and shot in the fuckin' head for this atrocity. I am not at all happy about paying eight bucks to see that same stupid fuckin' Mountain Dew commercial with some moron head-butting a ram. That was kinda humorous a year ago when I first saw it for free, but in this situation it's nothing but annoying and it has actually put me off drinking Mountain Dew because I'm so pissed about the idea. It's not so bad that the theaters all sell advertising space to local companies so people have something to look at on the screen before the show starts. But if the scheduled start time for the movie is 1:00, then the show should start AT 1:00, and at 1:00 there should NOT be any more stupid fucking commercials. I also think the previews should be timed so that they will be over at 1:00 and the movie can start on time, but I'll leave that one alone because I know it's never gonna change. But I will not relent on the commercial problem, because that is nothing more than an insult to everyone who has paid their money to see a movie. If I wanted to be subjected to an advertising blitz for products that are total shit, I would watch network television. I go to the movies to get away from that shit. Now, thanks to these dickheads I have to start boycotting products because their advertising is cutting into my time, and wasting the money I spent to see a movie. Fuck all of them, every single company that does this sucks, and should be ashamed of themselves, but I know the corporate whores that run them won't be.
And now, a special note to you "people" who bring things like cel phones and pagers to a movie. Either put them on vibrate or turn the fuckin' things off! And for Christ's sake, if your damn phone rings during the movie, DO NOT sit there and answer it in the middle of the fuckin' theater! If you feel that you are so goddamned important, (or more likely so insecure,) that you cannot go two hours without your motherfucking phone, the least you can do is show a little common decency and respect towards the people who are actually there to watch a movie, and go the fuck outside to answer it. I don't think it should be allowed that the other patrons at the theater drag these imbeciles kicking and screaming out the emergency exit to the back of the theater to bludgeon them to death with whatever they find in the dumpster. Or should I say I don't ONLY think it should be allowed. I think it should be encouraged. It should be the other patrons' civic duty to drag these imbeciles kicking and screaming out the emergency exit to the back of the theater to bludgeon them to death with whatever they find in the dumpster. These cocksmokers have earned it. I have never been to a movie yet that didn't tell the audience to be quiet during the movie, and in the last five to ten years, as these devices have become more popular and prevalent in our society, they have also been included in the warning at the beginning of the movie. People are asked nicely to turn them off, and the scrotal infections who don't deserve to be killed, simply because they are obviously too stupid to let live.
By the way, the same thing goes for these self-important twits standing in line at the grocery store, holding everything up while they call their wife to ask what brand of tampons she would prefer. That's when I should legally be able to take the four foot long holiday salami I am trying to buy, and introduce it to this jagoff's system rectally. SIDEWAYS! That'll get his attention. In most cases. These obviously life-or-death decisions should be made BEFORE going to the damn store! (Although since I have been married, I know sometimes they really are life-or-death. But that's not MY problem. I just wanna buy a fuckin' salami. You go home and deal with Satan's spawn.)
Now, I could complain about the cost of going to the movies, but I'm not going to. I'm not one of those irritating twits who is constantly yammering on about how in the old days you only had to pay fifty cents to get in to see a movie. And you got TWO movies, AND cartoons AND the news AND a blowjob AND your shoes shined AND yadda yadda yadda. Fuck you. Those days are dead and gone, and whining isn't going to bring them back. Deal with it. The one thing they forget to mention is the movies for the most part SUCKED! And the cartoons SUCKED! And the news was seven months old and the blowjob had lots of teeth. Big fucking deal. I am not impressed.
Some of these people refuse to go to movies because of the cost. They bitch and whine and moan about Arnold Schwarzenegger getting twenty million dollars to make a movie. So what? Isn't the American dream to get rich? He's living the American dream and you're pissed cuz you're not. Fuck you. THEN they bitch and moan and whine that movies cost 100 million dollars to make, and that's why we have to pay so much to see them. Uh, yeah? That's how it works. This is a capitalist society and it's not gonna change. You want them to keep making the movies, then you have to pay the admission price. It's that simple. And I happen to enjoy those mindless, big-budget films with Arnold. I don't really care how inane the story is. Remember I am only there for entertainment. And escape from reality. But hey, movies cost more to make, so we pay more. That's the way it is. Deal with it.
I could also complain about the prices at the concession stand, but I'm not going to. I know some cheap bastards don't wanna hear this, but that's how the fuckin' theater makes its money. They get squat from the movie itself, so they have to make it up somewhere. Would I like the prices to be lower? Of course I would! Don't be a fuckin' retard. But this is the reality that theaters face, it's the way it is, which is why I make it a point to get a large popcorn and a large drink every damn time I go to the theater. Not only do I consider it a necessary part of the movie-going experience, but I'm doing my part to help the theater stay in business. We are a consumer-driven society, so start consuming asshole, or I'm gonna blame YOU when it all falls apart. And I can get pretty nasty when I don't get to see my movies.
One more thing I will complain about however, is the product they are offering at the concession stands. We used to get simple choices like popcorn, soda and some boxes of candy. Now you got hot dogs, pizza and fucking Chinese take-out! What the hell is up with this? The last thing I need is the uncoordinated pecker in the seat next to me dropping his Moo-Shu pork in my lap when something happens on the screen to make him laugh or jump. If I want a seven-course meal I'll go to a fucking restaurant, okay? Let's get back to basic theater snacks and keep it simple, okay?
All of these little things add up to lessen the movie-going experience for the vast majority of us there to simply try and have a good time. They say the good old days weren't always so good and for the most part I agree with that. But sometimes, very few times, they actually were better. Back in the days before cel phones all you had to worry about was some inconsiderate bastard talking. And most of the time that wasn't a problem either. But every one of these little problems would go away if two simple yet overwhelmingly significant things were re-introduced to our society; common sense and common decency. Although I am still not completely convinced we ever really possessed them. But maybe some day. Until then, try to enjoy the show.