But I don't go there only for its entertainment value. I also sometimes stop by to see if I can get some ideas for topics to write about. (One of the few things religion is good for.) I went there yesterday and today I am going to talk about Christian reviews of mainstream movies.
Now, usually these reviews do nothing more than make me laugh. But once in a while they also piss me off. Not usually the reviews themselves, but the comments from the dead-from-the-neck-up dolts who respond to the reviews. Between chat rooms, message boards and morons like these people, I often wonder whether the human race even deserves to continue. But that will be a rant for another day.
What amazes me a little is in almost every review of a mainstream movie, these intellectual cripples cannot refrain from mentioning how the movie does not center around the Glory of God. Well, this may seem like a difficult concept, but perhaps it's because these are NOT CHRISTIAN FILMS?!? As the maintainers of the site are often quick to point out, there are plenty of Christian made films that will expose you to this glory, so why complain when a film NOT made by a Christian group doesn't beat you over the head with Christian values? That's like complaining about a lack of black people at a Redneck convention. It just doesn't make much sense. But then, these ARE religious zealots we are talking about here, so common sense and logic are not going to be seen in abundance.
Also interesting is the way they rate the movies. They do include a one through five stars rating system for the quality of the film, but the thing they list first in their ratings is the film's "moral rating'. Now, I wouldn't be against something like this is there was a moral standard to adhere to. But since there isn't, it makes the whole thing seem pretty fuckin' silly, especially if you don't buy into the rest of the bullshit package the religious nuts are selling. The ratings go from 'extremely offensive' to 'excellent', and for the most part seem to be assigned arbitrarily.
Just for fun, let's take a closer look at some of their reviews, and some of the user comments that follow the reviews. We'll have a little fun at the expense of some zealots, and I'll illustrate the idiocy I have been talking about. I'm going to pick a few movies at random, but all of them will be movies I have actually seen. And I'll try to pick movies form all of the moral ratings, but since as far as I can tell the only ones that get an 'excellent' rating are the Christian made films, I may have to skip that catagory.
First up: 1997's Batman and Robin, which is rated 'Very offensive.' I know, this wasn't really that great a movie to begin with. But some of the things that these religious nuts had to say about it are hysterical - probably more entertaining than the movie itself. Thei reviewer's biggest problem wasn't that the movie sucked, but the following line uttered by Poison Ivy, (Uma Thurman,): "God created the world in seven days. Let's see if I can do it better." In one paragraph they are practically praising the campiness of the film, and in the next they are outraged by an obviously campy, over-the-top line from a campy, over-the-top villain. Inconsistencies like this are what lead rational people like myself to believe these zealots are stupid. One zombie even wrote in proudly stating that he left the theater after hearing that line! Well, I am proudly stating that I have never walked out of a movie in my entire life, and that includes some abysmal crap like The Matrix Reloaded and Hot to Trot with Bobcat Goldthwait and a talking horse. One guy went so far as to publicly apologize to the HOLY SPIRIT for going to see this movie. I know it wasn't a great movie, but I think that's taking things a little too far. I can see no difference between someone like this and someone sitting in the corner of a looney bin somewhere pretending he's a pineapple.
Let's move on to another winner at the box office, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. This is where the ratings start to get a little bit weird. Ballistic gets a 'Better Than Average' despite the fact that dozens of people get killed and shit blows up in almost every scene in the movie. There's morality for you. An offhand comment about God and your movie is offensive, but kill dozens of people and cause millions in property damage but don't mention God in a joke and your film is okay by them. Ya gotta love religion. But to point out just how effective this site is, other than to the zombies who already go there every day for their daily dose of spiritual enlightenment, even though they recommend this film it made dick at the box office.
This brings up another point that I think these people should know. Very few people share these opinions and beliefs. I gotta think that's because they are silly and outdated. But it's kinda funny that a lot of the movies these wackos think are great make no money. I know money isn't really a good judge of quality in a movie, but it IS indicitive of how many people thought a movie was going to be good. The fact that a movie these people thought was pretty damn good achieved a smaller box office return than the God-awful remake of Rollerball. There's a distinction to be proud of.
Speaking of Rollerball, the Bible-thumpers gave that little gem a 'very offensive' despite the fact that fewer people get killed in it than the morally superior Ballistic. Man but I love Christian morality.
Next on our list of what the fuck were they thinking is the 'very offensive' that was given to Charlie's Angels. Actually, I guess it's not really surprising that they didn't like this movie, although why they bothered to go see it in the first place is beyond me. They obviously did NOT understand what was going on, despite their claims to the contrary, as witnessed by lines such as the following from the review; "A precariously demoralizing worldview of young women prevails in Charlie's Angels. It repeatedly says that women are little more than sexual playthings - with few brains and fewer inhibitions - who must prance around half naked to get what they want." I would say that anyone who can right such a line with a straight face definitely missed the point of the movie. I would recommend that the reviewer watch it again, but like the first time he will undoubtedly see exactly what he wants to again, whether it's reality or not. About the funniest thing they said though, was right at the beginning of the review. That was where the reviewer said that most people wouldn't care and would wait until video to find out what happens in this remake of the 70's TV show. Well, $125 million dollars and fourth place for the 2000 box office proves that a few people DID care, and the religious morons were wrong yet again. I see a pattern developing here.
Then there's the review for The Fifth Element. It received an 'extremely offensive' rating, but the reviewer never says WHY it got this rating! They mentioned the "repeated upper torso nudity" (is there a different version of the film than the one I watched?) implied sexual encounters, (so? The Bible implies sexual encounters too,) and graphic violence, (just like on Bugs fuckin' Bunny.) But what's WRONG with the movie? Oh yeah - it implies someone other than God is responsible for everything. GASP! And this coming from a FICTIONAL STORY! Shame on the people who made this movie, shame on them all. Shame on them for giving these people one of the STUPIDEST reasons ever to hate a movie. Although I find it kinda funny.
I won't dispute too much their 'very offensive' ranking for Goodfellas. The only thing I will say about it is that a film doesn't have to be nice and soft and leave you with a warm, fuzzy feeling to be good. Goodfellas proved that. Sometimes these people need to loosen the fuck up a little bit.
One movie that it will not come as a surprise they gave a 'very offensive' rating to is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I know, I know. Christians saying bad shit about Harry Potter? That just doesn't happen. Oh, but it has here. And it's starting to get a little tiring now. Sooner or later these mental midgets are going to have to come to terms with the idea of a fictional story. The Harry Potter stories were never meant as a replacement for the Bible. They are simple entertainment, and that's all. But of course, the God people have to get all in a tither about something that mentions sorcery. Never mind that it is obviously fiction. Then they have to go on to insinuate that children aren't smart enough to know the difference. Well, I was able to tell the difference back when I was a little kid. I knew that Star Trek wasn't real. I knew that Star Wars wasn't real. I was able to tell the difference between what I saw on the news, and what I saw on other TV shows/movies/books. And I don't think that was because I had some sort of super intelect or anything. I was an average kid. But these clowns don't want to give kids credit for anything. They say they don't want kid's minds to get warped by this stuff, but that's only because THEY want to be the ones doing the warping! There's absolutely nothing offensive about Harry Potter.
Another film with a negative review on their site? Highlander. Yes, I am talking about the original movie, and really the only thing with the word "Highlander" in the title worth watching. The reviewer goes off on a tangent about how the only conclusion that can possibly be drawn from the film is that Jesus was an immortal, but he got killed off because he wasn't the one to win the prize at the end. Somehow, while I was watching the movie, that thought never occured to me. Maybe that's because I was once again able to separate fiction from reality. They said when Connor MacLeod was driven from his village with his arms tied to crossbars, it was a clear reflection on Jesus and his walk to the crucifixion. Or maybe that's simply what people of that time period did, and it has no religious connotations whatsoever. No, that couldn't be it.
But lest I be unfair about this, I will also bring up some movies that these nitwits gave positive reviews to, although if it's not a Christian-made film they still have to get some digs in at some point.
With his review for Star Wars, the reviewer cops out a bit. He says because the story of the original is so well-known, he won't go into details. That's fine, I guess. The story is rather well known to most people, but the minds they are trying to warp...er...teach here are young people's, and maybe they HAVEN'T seen the original or know the story. For the most part, the reviewer does give the film praise, as rightly he should. There is absolutely nothing in this film to find offensive, unless you're an idiot. So naturally Mr. Religious Nutball has to complain about the Force, and compare it to the only true force, the Holy Spirit. Can't these people ever take a fuckin' day off? Maybe we could turn our Biblical radar to a lower setting when we're watching fantasy films? Seems like a good idea to me.
Another film they heap the praise on is 1978's Superman:The Movie. And I won't argue that at all, since this film is worthy of any praise it gets. It is arguably the BEST film adaptation of a comic book ever. But then they have to go and taint the review with crap about the story being "An allegory to the life of Christ," yada, yada, yada. Sooner or later these people are going to have to realize that not everything is going to revolve around their beliefs, and mainstream movies are one of those things that don't. Deal with it, Mr. Christian.
Mel Gibson's The Patriot also gets a positive rating, despite the realistic and often graphic violence depicted throughout. I have no problem with that, as the film was meant to be an accurate dipiction of warfare at the time of America's war for independence. However, Gibson's other historical epic, Braveheart, is given a negative review because of the violence. It's this kind of hypocrissy that drives me absolutely nuts. One film is praised for its depiction of violence that adds to the story, but another film, which uses violence in the same way is panned. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But then, they're zealots, so maybe as a rational person I'm not supposed to understand.
While we're talking about hypocrissy, let's look at their reviews of James Bond films. We have only to look at the last two films to see how the hypocrissy is running rampant through this site. Their review for The World is Not Enough gives the film a negative, while a couple years later Die Another Day gets a more positive review. This despite the fact that right in the review for Die Another Day they compare the violence and sex for the past three Bond films, and the levels increase with each film. So Die Another Day has more violence and more sex, but gets a better moral rating than The World is Not Enough. Yeah, that makes an awful lot of sense.
But again, I don't think it's supposed to make sense. At least not to a heathen like myself. No, something like this can only make sense to some dead from the neck up moral crusader with no clue as to how the world actually works. These people have deluded themselves into believing their little fantasy world exists, and they are trying to delude others into believing the same thing. They haven't got a firm grasp on reality, and they also have no place trying to thrust their beliefs on the rest of us.
And if they can't shut up about this stuff and turn their Biblical radar off for a couple of hours, then they have no business at the movies with us either.