“We’ll stop by tomorrow to check on you,” Justin said to his friend. The five of them plus Johnny were standing in front of the massive white building. It resembled an old southern mansion. In fact, it probably had once been one. In front and behind the house was an expansive yard. The green lawn was dotted with tall leafy trees, lending shade to the benches situated below them. Along the front of the house there were patches of flowers, adding color to the stark white house.
JC didn’t acknowledge his friend as he turned around. He picked up his duffel bag that Justin had packed for him and started up the steps. Justin looked on, sadness creasing his eyes. This was really hard for him. He didn’t want to put his friend here, but at that point he was feeling helpless and he didn’t know what to do.
“You have our phone numbers if you ever want to call!” Lance said.
The group watched as their friend walked up to the double doors. He pulled them open and disappeared inside.
The brunette sat in silence as she stared at the young man sitting across the room. As usual he sat by himself. The girl couldn’t remember the man talking to anyone except maybe the doctors and nurses. She wasn’t even sure about that. The man had had some visitors, but every time they came to see him he ignored them. Often if they didn’t get the message soon he would get up and storm back to his room. This had been going on for over a week now. The girl wondered what his story was. Curiosity finally got the best of her and she got up and made her way to him. Once there she plopped down on the couch next to him.
“Hi! My name is Madison. What’s yours?” The young man stared at her with contempt in his cold blue eyes. JC turned the other way and crossed his arms hoping she would go away. Madison sighed; she wasn’t going to give up this easily.
“Look, I don’t mean to seem prying, but I have noticed that you have ignored all the visitors you have had. I don’t get many visitors and the ones you get look mighty good so do you think I could borrow them?” Madison tried to joke. JC turned and scowled at her before finally speaking.
“You can have them. They are all assholes,” he spat out.
“So you can talk!” JC just rolled his eyes.
“Did you figure that out all on your own?” JC asked.
“Hey I was just trying to be friendly…” Madison started before JC cut her off.
“I don’t need friends. Friends are useless. Now go away.”
“Look I don’t know what the hell your problem is. I came over here because I felt sorry for you. I was hoping to help you come out of whatever funk it is that you are in. If all you want to do is be a jerk, then more power to you.” Madison said as she jumped off the couch and began to storm away. Suddenly guilt washed over JC. “Madison! Wait!” He quickly got up and ran up to her. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around.
“What do you want?” Madison answered bitterly.
“I’m sorry. I think we started out on the wrong foot. Please come back over and sit down. I promise, no more Mr. Hyde,” he told her and flashed a smile. The first genuine smile he had smiled in a long time.
“Ok,” Madison agreed quietly before allowing herself to be lead back to the couch.
Once seated on the couch, JC offered Madison his hand. “Hi. My name is JC. Sorry I was so mean. I have been in a really crappy mood since I got here.”
“So I noticed. Want to talk about it?”
He quickly told her the story of the accident and getting amnesia. He then told her about Mike and the mall and how his friends and his boss decided that he would be better off in an institute. “Personally, I think they thought I was too much trouble and didn’t want the responsibility.”
“JC, I am sure that they did what they thought was best for you.”
“I don’t care. I hate it here. I just want to go home. And I want my shoelaces back damn it! It’s not like I want to kill myself. I just want to go home.” Madison couldn’t help but laugh at his shoelace comment. “What’s so funny?” JC demanded.
“I’m sorry. I am not laughing about you wanting to go home. I am laughing about the shoelaces. The doctors have to take all our shoelaces away. It is like protocol or something.”
“Well whatever it is stinks.”
“Believe me I know how you feel. I hated it when I first got here too. My boyfriend dumped me. I went spiraling into depression. My parents brought me here and had me committed. It was probably a good thing they took my shoe laces away.”
“So how long have you been here?”
“A couple of months.”
“Just for depression?”
“No, once I got here they diagnosed me with Dependent Personality Disorder.”
“What’s that?” JC asked. He had never heard that term before.
“Well I depended on people way to much. I got paranoid whenever I was by myself. I have been in therapy for it. I am doing much better now so no worries.” She flashed a reassuring smile.
“Do your parents come and visit very often?”
Slowly the smile faded from her face. “No, they don’t care much about me. We never have gotten along very well. That’s why they brought me here. They didn’t feel like dealing with me.”
“That’s sad.” JC stated. Madison shrugged.
“That’s why I wondered since you have visitors coming why you didn’t want to see them.”
“I don’t know. I am just so…so…mad!”
“But if you don’t try to be happy and try to get better you are never going to get out of here.” Madison told him before patting his knee and getting up to leave.
JC watched as the young lady walked away. He thought about what she had just said to him for a few minutes before scoffing. ‘What does she know anyway?’ JC thought to himself before escaping to his room.
The next morning
After breakfast JC went back up to his room. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone and was afraid of another incident like he’d had with Madison. He lay on his bed and took in his surroundings have little else to do in the dull and drab room that was sparsely furnished. The bed was more like a cot than a regular bed. It had a thin uncomfortable mattress on the metal frame with no foot or headboards. There was a small bedside table on which a cordless lamp sat. JC soon discovered this was for the safety of the patient’s. There was also a chair in the corner where you could sit and look out the window. The window that could barely be opened more than a couple inches overlooked the courtyard where the patients went when they were outside. JC didn’t look out there much. The large iron fence around the courtyard just enforced his feelings of entrapment.
‘Well now that I know the number of tiles on the floor and the number of squares on the ceiling I am bored out of mind!’ JC thought to himself. He finally decided to get up and walk around. It wasn’t that he wanted the company…it was that he couldn’t bear lying in that bed any longer.
The man left his room and walked down the long hallway. The walls of the house were sterile white. The floors were almost the same except for the greenish color that was cast on them from the overhead lighting. On the way to the stairs he passed several other bedrooms and the community bathroom. ‘That is one thing I will never get used to,’ he thought, grimacing as he passed the bathroom.
Once downstairs JC began to survey his surrounds trying to decide where to go. He decided to go to the TV room first. Once there he knew this wasn’t what he was looking for. The old wooden box TV filled a large part of the small room. Folding chairs were scattered around it. A couple of people were sitting in the room watching ‘Jerry Springer.’ JC shook his head and turned to leave.
The next room was the reading room. In this room there were several couches scattered around the room. There were a couple of bookcases with slim variety of books to choose from against the wall. There was also a coffee table with several old magazines littering the table. He bypassed this room, which was next to the TV room. Reading was the last thing the young man wanted to do right now. He heard laughter coming from the game room and decided to go see what was going on.
Once there he realized that one of the patients had thrown a deck of cards in the air when she had gotten mad at the nurse during medicine time. The woman laughed as the nurse asked her pick up the cards. JC watched as a couple of patients sat at one of the card tables playing checkers. He wondered how well the game was going considering 3 of the pieces were missing. On the floor was the board from monopoly with money sticking out from under the board. Hotels and playing pieces still sat where they had been left. It looked like someone had left during the middle of the game and didn’t bother to clean it up. He looked at the table in the corner that contained the other boxed games and puzzles. As he scanned down the boxes he wondered if there was a single one that didn’t have some pieces missing. ‘Wonder how many pieces they would find if they searched people’s rooms,’ he thought.
He began to wonder aimlessly again. Soon he found himself standing in the front of the cafeteria. The room was filled with long tables that were lined up. It was almost like a school cafeteria. The patients would go through a line and get their food and then go and sit down. JC once again felt like he was being treated like a child. He hated every inch of the place.
He walked past the desk were there was an assistant standing guard. All the patients had to check in and out every time they went through the door. The door lead out into the fenced in courtyard. There were several wicker chairs out there and a volleyball net. Other than that all there was there was the giant fence. The assistant smiled a JC as he drew nearer. JC acted like he didn’t see the man and walked right by.
Fully satisfied there was absolutely nothing he wanted to do in the house he went back to the reading room. He nodded and smiled at Madison who sat on the opposite side of the room from the door. The man did this not in hope that she would come talk to him but just to be nice. Grabbing an old magazine that he had already read twice he collapsed on the couch and began to read hoping to pass the time until he could go back to bed and sleep the time away.
A couple of magazines later JC felt someone sit down at the opposite end of the couch. Curious, the young man lowered his magazine just enough so that he could see over the top. The sight of Justin greeted JC. JC rolled his eyes and groaned before lifting the magazine back up to eye level.
“Hi JC,” the younger man said cheerfully. He dreaded coming to see JC now. He had gotten so bitter since he had come to the institute. Justin kept telling himself it was for the best. He knew that he would have done anything possible to get him out, but he was worried about his friend’s safety. He tried to be optimistic and think that things would be different today…that by some miracle JC would be in a better mood and ready to talk; however, silence was all that Justin got out of JC. ‘Don’t give up. At least he didn’t storm out of the room this time,’ the blonde told himself.
“So how are things going? Have you made any new friends?”
Silence.
“Things have been kinda crazy lately. The media is trying their hardest to find out what is going on with you. I tell you, no one can ever say that they aren’t determined.” Justin admitted.
Silence.
Justin continued to talk. He told JC what each of the guys had been up to since he had last seen them. JC continue to act like he was ignoring Justin. He heard what Justin was saying…but it didn’t make a difference to him. These were the guys that had put him in this hellhole. The last thing in the world he cared about was what they were doing on the outside.
“JC are you even listening to me?” Justin finally asked.
Silence.
“I don’t know why you are acting like this! I know you are unhappy being here, but it is for the best. Geez, C, can’t you at least talk to me? Maybe there is something I can do to make you feel better,” Justin pleaded.
“Make me feel better? You want to make me feel better? Ha! That is the funniest thing I have ever heard!” JC exploded as he threw the magazine at the coffee table. “And why in the hell do you guys insist on calling me C? My God, as if my damn name isn’t short enough and you have to go and make it even shorter. My name is JC…do you think you can remember that or is that too much to ask?” JC continued to yell as he jumped up and got in Justin’s face. Justin just sat there and took everything JC threw at him. Once JC had stopped Justin’s blue eyes looked up and met his.
“You used to think it was funny. We all had little nicknames for each other.” Justin wondered since JC was finally showing some emotions that he could finally get him to change his mind. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it bothered you so much. If you would just talk to us, we would know these kind of things.”
“Oh my God. You just can’t take a hint can you?” JC screamed before storming out of the room. The commotion had gathered the attention of everyone in the room including Madison. She watched as JC yelled at his friend and left the room. She wanted so bad to get up and follow him but decided against it.
‘Maybe I can talk to him when he calms down,’ she thought. She caught eyes with Justin. His baby blues were full of hurt and confusion. He sat there with a look of total defeat.
Madison walked over and gave Justin a sympathetic smile. “If it makes you feel any better, he doesn’t talk to any of us either. It’s not just you.”
Justin sighed. “I don’t know what to do. He’s one of my best friends and right now he hates me!”
“I know this doesn’t help, but he will get over it. Things will get better,” she encouraged.
“Thanks,” he said with a little smile. At least someone didn’t act like he was the most awful person on the planet. “My name’s Justin,” he said as he extended his hand out to her.
“I’m Madison. Nice to meet you,” she replied as she firmly gripped his hand.
“Well I’m sure I’ll see you around. We’ll probably talk again if my future visits turn out anything like this one.”
“Yeah, well I don’t get many visitors so it’s fine with me. Stop by any time.”
The two said goodbye and Justin left.
Madison thought to herself as she watched the young man leave, ‘I don’t know why JC hates him so much. He seems nice to me.’
“So JC, how are you doing?” Dr. Stanley asked as he sat in the armchair next to the couch JC was now occupying.
“Oh I am doing just great,” JC said with a giant fake smile on his face.
“Hmm…still have the attitude I see. Are you planning on losing that anytime soon?”
“Are you planning on letting me out anytime soon?”
“JC…you know we can’t…”
“Then no,” JC interrupted.
“Ok then…well let’s just move on. Have you started having any memory recall yet?”
“Oh yeah tons…that is why I am still here.”
“JC, please. I can’t help you if don’t want help. Don’t you want help getting better so you can go home?” There was a moment of silence before JC spoke.
“Yes. More than anything,” JC finally said almost in a whisper.
“Let’s try this again then. Have you started having any memory recall yet?”
“No, none at all.”
“Well since it has been several weeks and still nothing I want to try something new. We have two options. The first is hypnosis. We can try to pull the memories up so that you can remember them. We could also try a different approach that is supposed to have about the same effect. It is a medicine called Amytal. It’s totally up to you.”
“There is no other way?” JC asked rather disappointed.
“No unless we just want to let nature run its course. The only thing is, there is no telling how long it might be before you naturally regain your memory.”
JC had never been one who believed in hypnosis. The young man thought about how some of the other patients on medication acted. He recalled how some just sat and stared out into space for hours or slept all the time. That wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t know if this medicine would do that to him…but he didn’t want to take the chance.
“I guess I can try the hypnosis then,” JC told Dr. Stanley. ‘What can it hurt? Besides I am ready to do just about anything to get out of here.’ JC thought to himself.
“That is fine with me,” Dr. Stanley said.
“Ok fine, let’s just get this over with," He said with a sigh. He looked up at the doctor expectantly. When nothing happened he said, "Well aren't you going to pull out a watch to swing or that weird twilight zone swirly thing?"
The psychiatrist chuckled. "We don’t exactly do things that way."
JC glowered. He didn't like being laughed at, being made to feel foolish. "Well I agreed to do this stupid hypnosis thing, but I didn't say I'd sit here all day. Besides, I don’t think it will even work on me. Personally I think it's all pretty much a load of crap." He sat back in the couch and crossed his arms across his chest. He stared down at his shoes in boredom.
"OK, what I want you to do lay down and make yourself comfortable.” Dr. Stanley watched as JC reluctantly stretched his lean body out on the leather couch. He could figure out what to do with his limbs. He fussed with crossing and uncrossing his arms before finally letting his right arm lay next to him and draped his left arm over his stomach.
“Now just relax everything. Relax your muscles one by one. Start at your face and work your way down to your toes.” JC closed his eyes. The scowl on his face and began to relax his body and let his muscles slowly go limp. “Now let all thoughts leave your mind. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Let every thought in your head leave with the expelled breath.”
When JC appeared to be relaxed the doctor asked him a few test questions. "What is your name?"
JC answered matter of factly, "Joshua Chasez."
"Ok Joshua, how old are you?"
JC was quiet for a moment before responding, "I'm 26 years old."
"Good, good," the doctor replied. "OK, JC I'm going to count to three and you are going to travel back in time. Back to when you were a child. When I snap my fingers you will be 5 years old."
Snap
“Ok JC. Tell me what you see.”
“I am sitting at the breakfast table watching a woman put eggs on my plate. I tell her I don’t like eggs, but she tells me to eat them that they are good for me. She quickly pours me a glass of milk and tells me to hurry that we need to leave or we’ll be late.”
“Be late for what?”
“I don’t know…” JC replied.
“Look around. What else do you see?”
“Someone is sitting across from me reading the newspaper. He puts it down and takes a sip of coffee before he asks me if I am excited.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t feel anything but confused. There is a girl sitting next to me. She looks older than me. She tells the man reading the newspaper to make me quit staring at her.”
“Why are you staring?”
“I don’t recognize her. I keep staring and she starts making faces. Then woman tells me it is time to go. She grabs a book bag off the counter and hands it to me. I ask her where we are going and she says ‘Too your first day of school silly. You have been looking forward to this for weeks.’ She looks at me in amazement. I guess she can’t believe I forgot.”
“Ok JC when I snap my fingers again you will wake up and will remember everything you just saw.”
Snap
“So how do you feel?” Dr. Stanley asked with a look of hope on his face.
“I feel exactly the same.” JC said with no emotion.
“JC you just had your first memory and you don’t feel any better?” The doctor asked in shock.
“I don’t know that what I just saw was one of my memories. I could have seen that on the movies. I mean everyone is excited about the first day of school.”
“JC that memory was of your past. You are finally starting to pick the lock on the door that your memories are trapped behind,” the doctor told him. JC looked at Dr. Stanley in disbelief. The young man jumped up and started pacing back and forth.
“No! You can’t prove that. This is ridiculous! I don’t even know why I agreed to this. Hypnosis got me no where and you are trying to convince me that I am cured.” His hands flew to his hair, his long fingers intertwining themselves into the thick, dark hair; his finger nails digging into his scalp.
“I never said that you were cured. I said it was a start.”
“I don’t give a damn what you said,” JC spat out as he spun around to face the doctor. “This whole clinic is a bunch of bullshit! I just want to go home. Why is it that no one understands that.” JC yelled at the doctor before storming out of the room. The sudden sound of the door slamming was almost deafening.
The doctor sat in shock as he watched his patient leave. He could tell how frustrated JC was. The older man knew without a doubt that JC wanted things to get back to normal. He thought for a moment. He wondered what JC considered ‘normal’ to him. ‘He has been in the spotlight since he was a young child,’ the man sat and thought to himself. He knew he had a very complex problem at hand. Dr. Stanley knew that JC had to help himself in order to get better…and anger wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
JC stormed down the corridor towards his room. He was so focused on his anger and the audacity of that stupid doctor that he didn’t seem to notice that someone had stepped in front of him.
“Augh!” He heard someone say as his body smacked into something. He looked down to find Madison sprawled on the floor.
“Why don’t you watch where you’re going!” JC yelled. He glared down at her.
“Excuse me! It was you who bumped into me!” She exclaimed. She struggled to stand back up.
JC sighed. He knew that she was right. He had been too focused on his hypnosis session. He held out his hand as an offer to help her up. She started to reach out her hand, but hesitated.
“I’m sorry ok. I didn’t mean to snap at you,” He said. He reached down further and grabbed her hand and pulled her to a standing position.
She reached back and dusted off her back side. “It’s ok. Just be careful alright!” She started to smile. She noticed the frustration still apparent on his face. She bit her lower lip. “So, uh…is everything ok?” She asked cautiously.
He let out a deep sigh. “I’m just so sick of this place. I just had a “session” with the doctor. He supposedly put me under hypnosis and now he thinks I’m remembering this deeply recessed memories or something.” He rolled his eyes. “It’s all a bunch of BS if you ask me.”
The two walked down the hallway in silence. She headed into the library and sat down on the sofa. He followed and took a seat beside her. She studied his face. She couldn’t tell what was going on in that mind of his. It almost looked like he wanted to believe in the memories, but something was holding him back. What it was, she had no idea.
“How can you be so sure that it wasn’t one of your memories?” She finally spoke.
“Well, I guess I can’t. It just seems so vague. I mean come on. If it was a little girl in it, it could have been one or your memories.” He stared down at his lap. He picked at some non-existent fuzz on his pants.
“True,” she admitted. “Well, worst scenario, it’s not one of your memories. It was just something your imagination dreamed up. Best case scenario, it is one of your memories and this could be the start of your recovery.”
He thought about what she said. He knew she was right. He looked up and smiled at her. “Well I guess we are just going to have to wait and see.”