There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
(Yeah)
Seems so long ago you walked away
And left me alone
And I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change
Was it something I said
To make you turn away
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
Right now
I was wrong. How could I be so stupid? Never in my wildest dreams did I ever image my life turning out like this. One minute I had all my dreams coming true and the love of my life by my side. The pressure. The pressure it was just too much. It would have driven any one insane. Everyone expected so much out of us. I didn’t have time to eat, time to sleep, hell I didn’t have time to BREATHE! I only had time for one thing. I stopped caring. I began to let her slip away. She tried over and over to tell me.
“JC, it’s taken over your life. Why can’t you see what you are doing to yourself? Why can’t you see what you are doing to us?” she cried. This was THE night. The night she gave me the ultimatum. “It’s either me or it. I refuse to compete for first place in your life.”
“Marie, don’t be stupid. You know I love you.”
“If you love me then you’ll stop,” she begged. Her eyes where filled with so many emotions that it was impossible to tell exactly what she was feeling. I knew what I felt though…anger.
“How dare you tell me what to do you little bitch!” I said as I raised my hand. She flinched and began to back away. I don’t know why I did it. I would never have had hit her. She just made me so mad! “Marie…baby, I’m sorry I wasn’t…”
“Get out!” Marie screamed at me.
“You can’t throw me out!” I yelled back.
“GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!” she screamed again. I walked to the door and flung it open. As I began to walk down the stairs I heard her run after me. “Don’t come back JC. As far as I am concerned you made your decision.” With that she slammed the door.
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone
That was days ago. Now here I sit at a bar holding a glass of whiskey in my hand. I swirl the liquid around in the glass as her words play over and over in my head. How could I have been so stupid?
I set the glass down and with my elbows on the bar, I rested my head in my hands. Memories flooded my head, memories of times past. Thoughts of her smile brought tears to my eyes.
Her green eyes sparkled in the bright sunlight as she dared me to step closer to the edge of the pool.
“You big baby, the water’s not going to hurt you!” She exclaimed as she emerced herself in it to prove her point.
“Marie I don’t want to get wet,” I said with my arms crossed over my chest. I was fully clothed and had no intention of being lured into the crystalline waters. Actually the truth was I’d never really learned how to swim. Between working on the set of MMC and then being a part of Nsync I never had the time.
“You’re no fun,” she exclaimed as she once again dove underneath the water. When she resurfaced I was a few steps closer to the edge.
“JC, the only way you’re going to learn how to swim is if you get in this water and try.”
“What if I can’t do it?” I asked her, feeling fear welling up deep inside me.
“Babe you can do anything. I’ll help you every step of the way,” she told me reassuringly.
I stared into her eyes and gazed into her smile and knew she was telling the truth. I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump that was steadily growing in my throat. I reached down to the bottom of my shirt and pulled it over my head. I walked to the edge of the pool and sat down, dangling my feet in the clear cool water.
She waded over to me and reached her hands up for me to grasp. It took a few moments but finally I let her take my hands and gently pull me in the water.
Now I don't wanna make excuses baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there is something that I could do
Won't you please let me know
That time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
And maybe I can change my every day
But baby I don't want to
Remembering was bittersweet. It was wonderful and yet at the same time it hurt so much. I looked up at the bartender and asked for another drink. He gave me kind of a funny look before he turned around to mix it. I snorted; I could only imagine what I probably looked like right now. Bloodshot eyes, hair standing on end. I knew I was starting to have the appearance of a beard. I hadn’t shaved since I had walked out her door.
A minute later the bartender slid the drink down the counter to me and it landed in the palm of my hand. I picked it up and took a deep drink. I knew this wasn’t solving anything, but it helped to deaden the pain, it made it hurt less. Once again my thoughts drifted back to her.
“Where are my pants?” I screamed as I raced through the house trying to find the jeans I was supposed to wear to our performance for the record label. “Aah I’m going to be late!”
“Babe, calm down! Your pants are right here,” Marie exclaimed as she dangled my jeans in the air.
Relief flooded through me as I swiped them from her hands and raced to the bathroom to change. I was supposed to meet the rest of the guys at the office of the record company in 10 minutes. On a good day it would take at least 15.
Before I even had them completely zipped I ran out of the bathroom and raced down the hall. I stopped short when I came to the front door. “Where are my keys!”
“C, they are in the kitchen where you left them earlier,” she exclaimed as she rounded the corner carrying them.
“What if all this is a sign? Maybe I shouldn’t go,” I said as the stress of it all came crashing down on me. Today was either going to make or break our careers.
“Don’t be silly, it’s not a sign! You’re just forgetful,” she teased. She smiled at me that comforting smile. Whenever I saw it, it made me feel like I was home.
“Marie, what if I can't do it?” I asked her. My shoulders slumped as I stood staring at the ground in front of her, feeling defeated before I even had my chance.
She reached up and took my chin in her hands. She raised it until my eyes met hers.
“Joshua Chasez you can do anything you put your mind to. Don’t you ever forget that. No matter what, someone believes in you. Even if you doubt yourself I will always believe in you,” she told me, staring intently into my eyes. “So get your butt out there and wow them!” She added with a smile. She leaned in and gave me a hug before she opened the front door and gave me a shove.
So I'll just hang around
And find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
And I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do
Yeah...
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're
Gone
I looked down at the empty glass in front of me. ‘How could I have been so stupid?’ I asked myself.
“Check please,” I said to the waiter and dropped a twenty on the counter to cover the tab and the tip.
The cloudiness in my mind had cleared up and I knew I’d been a fool. I raced out of the bar and jumped into my car. I knew where I needed to go.
A few minutes later I pulled up in her familiar driveway into my spot. It brought a smile to my face remembering how the right side of the driveway was always open, waiting for me. 'Kind of like her arms,’ I thought to myself.
I stepped out of the car and glanced down at myself. I swiped my hands down my shirt in a vain attempt to rid it of the wrinkles. I ran my fingers through my hair and then over my new beard, wishing I had thought to shave first.
I walked with purpose up the front steps to the front door. I lifted my hand to the knocker and reached to grasp it, but hesitated. I swallowed and quickly reached forward and knocked on the door before I had a chance to talk myself out of it.
I stood there in silence. When I received no answer after a minute I rapped on the door again, only louder. Still, the only response I received was silence.
‘She must be out,’ I told myself. ‘Maybe she’s in the backyard,’ I thought. I glanced over to the living room window and noticed the curtains were open.
I jumped off the porch into the front garden bed. I walked up to the window and cupped my hands around my eyes to get a better view inside the room.
What will I do
If I can't be here with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby who I'll be
Now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart
Baby why don't you see
That I need you here with me
I was not ready for the view I was faced with. The living room was completely empty, as was the dining room. All the furniture was gone and the pictures were missing from the wall. I could see the white squares on the wall where pictures of the two of us had hung.
I stumbled back away from the windows. I blindly found my way to the front porch and sat down on the edge.
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone
I’m not sure how long I had been sitting there when a voice brought me back to reality.
“Son are you alright?” I looked up to see an older woman standing in front of me with concern written across her face.
“I was looking for my friend. The young woman who lives here,” I told her. “Do you know where she is?” I looked pleadingly at her.
“Marie?” She asked questioningly. I nodded. “Nice young lady. She moved just yesterday. What a shame to see her go.”
My eyes glazed over with tears. “Do you know where she went?” I managed to choke out.
“I’m sorry she didn’t leave a forwarding address with me. Are you going to be ok?”
Her words were lost on me by that point. My head fell to my lap and sobs racked my body. The only thing that kept running through my head was, “She’s gone.”
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're
“Gone” – *NSync
