“Lancie! How are you?” Ashleigh had been taking a nap when the phone ringing broke the silence. She was ecstatic to find out it was Lance on the other line.
“I am great. I haven’t heard from you in forever. I was beginning to think you had fallen off the face of the earth.”
“Lance, it’s only been a couple of weeks.”
“I know...but I miss you anyway. So how are you, how are you feeling?” Ashleigh knew the question was coming. At the moment she was ok, but the past two weeks had been rough. Her headaches were still fairly strong. The medicine they had given her made her sleepy. She had told Dr. Thompson and Dr. Clayton her decision to stop treatments. They both tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn’t listen. She saw no point in putting herself and her family through more pain if there was very little hope of it making her better.
“I’m great! Thanks for asking,” she said cheerfully. Ashleigh hated lying to him, but she thought it was for his own good. She knew how much he worried. She saw no point in telling him before he needed to know. She quickly changed the subject away from her health. That was the last thing she wanted to talk about. They were on the phone maybe fifteen minutes before Justin burst in Lance’s house.
“Lance get your ass off the phone and onto the court. All the guys are here. It’s time for a mad game of b-ball!” Justin informed him and began to spin a basketball on his finger.
“Hi, Justin. Won’t you come in and make yourself at home?” Lance said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. He reached out and knocked the basketball off of Justin’s finger. Justin scowled at Lance before walking off to retrieve his ball. Lance returned his attention to the phone, “Remind me again why I thought it would be a good idea to move in next to Justin?” Ashleigh laughed before replying.
“Because you have to have someone to torture you at all times and since I am not there someone has to do it.”
“Funny, I thought that is why I married Monica...”
“I heard that Sonic...” Monica said without looking up from her books. She was still a little too spooked to go back to school so she had started taking a couple of Internet courses. She was currently sitting on the living room floor with her schoolbooks scattered around her. Lance was relieved that she was back in school. She was beginning to think that he wanted to her graduate more than she did. He was constantly encouraging her to study. That is what she felt like she spent all her time doing now.
“Yo man, who are you talking to?”
“Ashleigh.”
“HEY ASHLEIGH!” Justin yelled. Monica looked up at him and glared before going back to her studies.
“Is he ever going to grow up?” Ashleigh asked.
“Nope!” Lance laughed.
“Poor Keeley!” Ashleigh said with a laugh. “She has to deal with him 24/7.”
Lance laughed. “True enough.”
“Come on Lance and bring Monica too. Someone needs to stick up for you while you lose!”
“You still can’t play basketball?”
“This white boy can’t jump. Sorry.”
“Lance, come on!” Justin whined as he walked over to Monica and helped her up off the floor.
“You have to ask my warden if I can leave the house.” Monica told him as she shot Lance an evil grin.
“Monica don’t be silly. Of course you can go.”
“Hear that Ashleigh? I get to go out and play!” Monica called to the phone.
Ashleigh laughed. “Glad to see that you still live in a mad house. Go make a fool of yourself. I’ll talk to you later. I don’t plan on falling off the face of the earth anytime soon.” She told him while thinking ‘At least I hope not.’
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I can’t spend all my time on the phone. I have a life too.” Lance laughed.
“Ok, I’ll talk to you later Ash.” He paused for a second and then he felt sometime pushing him to say the next line. “Take care of yourself. I love ya girl.”
“I love you too,” Ashleigh replied before hanging up the phone and lying down to take a nap.
Over the next couple of weeks Ashleigh spent as much time as possible with her family. She talked to Lance almost every day. She was so glad that he was back in her life. He had always had a special place in her heart even all that time they were separated. Reading the Bible had become a favorite pastime for her. She had to spend a lot of time in bed because she was too tired to do much. This gave her a perfect opportunity to read. All the stories about the miracles of Jesus fascinated her. She could lose herself for hours catching up on all the wondering things the Bible could bring her that she had missed during her time of denial.
Ashleigh was still in pain. She still had a lot of headaches and had trouble breathing frequently. She was currently on antibiotics for a kidney infection. Her immune system had weakened considerably and it seemed that a little something was wrong with her all the time now. After weighing the options she decided that no matter what happened anything was better than more chemo.
“David, do you hear that?” Katherine asked as a noise woke her out of her slumber.
“Huh?”
“Listen,” she instructed him. The two sat quietly listening for the noise again. Nothing.
“I don’t hear anything,” David informed her.
“I know I heard something.” The two continued to sit and listen. Still nothing. Katherine sighed in frustration. “Will you go and check it out anyway? I won’t be able to get back to sleep unless I know it was nothing.”
“Anything to get back to sleep,” David mumbled.
“I’m going to check on Ashleigh,” she informed him.
The two got up, pulled on their slippers and robes and made their way into the hall. They soon heard a thump and Ashleigh coughing. The two rushed to her room. David and Katherine found Ashleigh on her knees with her head on the floor. She was coughing uncontrollably and gasping for breaths between coughs. Katherine quickly joined her on the floor and tried to pull her into a kneeling position.
“Ash, what’s wrong?” Katherine asked frantically.
“I...gasp...can’t...gasp...breathe,” Ashleigh spurted out and then went back into a fit of coughs.
“David do something!”
“We have to get her to the hospital,” David responded. He reached down and helped Ashleigh off the floor. Katherine quickly stood up and tried to help. Once they got her to her feet David picked her up and the two adults ran down the stairs and out to the car.
“Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds?” a man donning a white doctor’s jacket said as he came into the waiting room to get the couple’s attention.
“What is going on Dr. Clayton? Is Ashleigh ok?” David asked. They had called Dr. Clayton on their cell phone on the way to the hospital and asked him to please meet them there. Dr. Clayton arrived moments after they did.
“Well, we have her stabilized. We had to put her on oxygen; she was having too much trouble breathing on her own.”
“What brought all this on so suddenly? I mean I know she would get short of breath sometimes, but it has never been this bad,” Katherine asked.
“Well I sent her upstairs to have some tests run. I have a feeling that the cancer in her lungs has progressed pretty rapidly. I want to see how bad it has gotten. I want to keep her here for at least tonight for observation. I will go get the forms that you need to fill out to have her admitted.” Dr. Clayton squeezed Katherine’s hand before standing up. He reached over and patted David on the back before leaving. He hated seeing them hurting like this.
“Mom? Dad?” Ashleigh whispered.
“We’re right here sweetie.”
“What’s going on?”
“You’re in the hospital. We had to bring you in last night. You couldn’t breath,” David told her. Ashleigh barely nodded.
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost 1:00 p.m. We wanted to let you get as much rest as you needed. You had a long night,” Katherine answered.
“Mom? What are you hiding?”
“Nothing,” Katherine answered quickly…too quickly.
“Don’t lie to me. The doctors found something, didn’t they? What did they find? What’s wrong? I have the right to know.”
“I know you do sweetie. I just don’t want to worry you. Maybe we should wait on the doctor.”
“I am a big girl, tell me.” Katherine nodded and David reached over and grabbed his wife’s hand. She didn’t want to be the one to tell Ashleigh this, but she knew that her daughter was right. If she was in her situation she would want to know what was going on right then too.
“Um...ok...well...one of your lungs is almost completely taken over by cancer, one of your kidneys has stopped working and a mass has started forming in your brain. Dr. Clayton said that once you went off the chemo there was nothing to keep the cancer from spreading out of control.” Ashleigh nodded and let the information to slowly sink in. She was quiet for a few minutes.
The silence was finally broken when Dr. Clayton entered the hospital room. He looked at Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds questioningly and they nodded. He turned to Ashleigh and gave her a sympathetic smile.
“Ashleigh do you have any questions?”
She took a deep, slow breath before responding, “How much longer do I have? Please be straight with me doc.”
Dr. Clayton sighed. He always tried to keep a professional distance from his patients, but for some reason Ashleigh had been different. When she had first walked into his office she was so full of life and was ready to fight. The girl lying in the bed in front of him hardly resembled that old Ashleigh at all. The pale faced girl staring up at him with tired eyes almost looked like a stranger.
“Your cancer has progressed extremely fast. At the rate it is spreading at this point I would have to say that you have about a week, maybe two.”
Mrs. Reynolds began to sob. She turned and buried her face in her husband’s shoulder. It was evident in the pained expression on Mr. Reynolds’s face that he was trying to hold it together and not lose it as well.
Ashleigh slowly nodded her head. A moment later she drifted off to sleep.
Mrs. Reynolds absentmindedly picked some lint off her pants as the she waited for the phone to be answered. She knew that Ashleigh had wanted to postpone telling Lance about her condition as long as possible. Knowing what they knew though, it seemed that the time had come for him to be informed about his friend’s health.
“Hello?” The deep familiar voice filled the earpiece.
“Lance sweetie, its Katherine, Ashleigh’s mom.”
“Hi Mrs. R, how are you doing? I’ve been planning a trip up there, but things have been so crazy lately.”
Katherine squeezed her eyes shut and ran her hand through her hair. She knew this was going to be hard. She had no idea how to tell the young man on the phone that one of his closest friends was dying.
“Lance I need to talk to you about Ashleigh,” she began.
“How is that twerp anyway?” Lance interrupted. “She was supposed to call me last night. I guess she had a more pressing engagement.” He chuckled.
“Ashleigh’s in the hospital Lance.”
“What happened? Was she in an accident?” He asked in alarm.
This was a lot more difficult than she had expected. ‘How can he be so ignorant?’ she thought to herself. ‘This is the boy who has been so worried about her health from day one. Why would he jump to that conclusion?’
“Her father and I brought her to the hospital last night. She was having trouble breathing. They’ve done tests and they found out that her cancer has spread considerably.”
“Wait…no…that can’t be! There must be a mistake. Ashleigh told me she was in remission. I want a second opinion. I’ll pay for everything. Those damn incompetent doctors…”
“Lance there’s no mistake. We’ve known about this for some time now. Her cancer had progressed to a stage where there was little the doctors could do about it. Ashleigh refused to have any more chemotherapy. She wanted to spend the rest of her time not worrying about medicine, especially ones that made her feel worse,” Finally having said everything, Mrs. Reynolds suddenly feel exhausted. She was completely emotionally drained.
The line was silent while everything sunk in. Finally Lance spoke up, “If she’s known about this for a while, why didn’t she tell me? I thought she trusted me.”
“Lance she trusts you more than anyone, but she also knows you better than anyone too. She knew how worried you’d be. She knew you’d drop everything to come out here and she didn’t want to get you in trouble. She knows how busy you are and how many people count on you.”
“Yeah, but she counts on me too,” he replied weakly.
“That’s why I wanted to call and let you know.”
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he told her. “Don’t tell her I’m coming. I want to surprise her.”
“Ok Lance. You take care.” She was about to say goodbye when she added, “I’m so glad our daughter has such a good friend like you. It means so much to us.”
Lance hung up the phone. He was still in shock.
Lance stumbled up the stairs and into the bedroom where Monica lay in the bed. She’d been in bed most of the day with an upset stomach. She saw the wide-eyed expression on her husband’s face. “What’s wrong Lance? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Slowly his eyes shifted to her. “I just got a call from Ashleigh’s mom. Ash is dying Mon. She’s in the hospital. I’m going to leave as soon as possible.”
“I’ll come with you,” she said immediately. She threw the covers back and tried to get out of bed. Lance stepped over to the bed and put his hand on her shoulder to stop her. “No Mon, I think I should go by myself. I don’t want you going anywhere with the way you’ve been feeling and I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds, not to mention the doctors, wouldn’t want a sick person around Ashleigh. Besides, I’m not sure how long I’ll be there and you need to worry about your classes. I think this is something I need to do on my own.”
Hurt flashed across her face just for a moment, but she realized that if he felt he needed to go alone she would respect that. She agreed that she was in no condition to fly anyway.
“Fine. What can I do to help you get ready?” She finally asked.
“Could you call Johnny and see if he can arrange a flight?” He asked as he pulled his suitcase out of the closet.
“No problem babe,” she said as she grabbed his hand and pulled him down to kiss his check. She reached for the phone next to her to make the call.
A few minutes later she hung up. “Johnny called the airport, but there is no flights leaving within the next few hours so he’s chartered you a plane. As soon as you arrive at the airport you’ll be ready to take off.”
Lance looked at her gratefully. “Thanks sweetie.”
Lance sat in the window seat of the small plane. He stared blankly down at his lap.
‘Why would she keep this from me?’ He thought to himself.
He couldn’t believe that she was dying. He couldn’t even fathom it. Sure he’d known that she’d been fighting her cancer, but this was the 21st century and this was America. ‘We should know how to fight this thing,’ he thought in frustration. ‘It’s not like we live in a third world country. Money is no object in this situation. So why is his 22 year old friend lying in a hospital while her life slowly slips away?’
He wiped at a stray tear that was making its way down his cheek. “You’d better cry all you need now Lance,” he said out loud, “because you are not going to cry in front of her. She needs you to be strong.” He nodded his head in resolution.
Time seemed to be moving so slowly it was almost like it was moving backwards. Lance didn’t think the flight was ever going to end. He felt like he had been on the plane for years, but his watch told him it had only be about a half an hour.
Finally he arrived at the airport. He got his bags and ran outside to catch a cab.
“Jackson Memorial,” he told the cab driver as soon as he got in. “Please hurry, it’s an emergency.” They pulled up the hospital in just a few minutes. Lance quickly paid the driver and jumped out.
He was soon standing in the bathroom down the hall from Ashleigh’s room. Lance just wasn’t ready to face Ashleigh yet. He didn’t think he could handle it. As he stood looking into the mirror, tears began falling from his eyes again. Lance did the only thing he could think of. The cold tiles sent shivers threw his body as he hit his knees to pray.
“Dear God, please give me strength to help Ashleigh through this tough time. Please be with David and Katherine. Most of all please be with Ashleigh. Help her be brave...take all fear from her. Don’t let her be in pain. Just keep her in your arms and protect her from everything. In Jesus’ holy name I pray, Amen.” The blonde remained kneeling for a few seconds, not knowing if he trusted his legs to hold him up. Lance finally stood and looked at his tear stained face in the mirror. He wanted to make sure that he didn’t look like he had been crying. He splashed some cold water on his face and then grabbed a paper towel to dry it off.
‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ he kept thinking over and over. Lance finally thought he was ready to face reality. He picked up his bad and slung the strap onto his shoulder before he left the bathroom and began to make his way down to Ashleigh’s room. Once there he knocked gently. David answered the door. He reached his hand out to Lance.
“Thanks for coming. This will mean a lot to her.” David said as he shook Lance’s hand. David then walked over to Katherine who was sitting next to Ashleigh holding her hand. “Come on Katherine, he’s here. Let’s let them be alone.” Katherine gently nodded and then slowly stood up. Lance noticed that Katherine looked like she had aged 10 years since the last time he saw her. Katherine hugged Lance before leaving the room.
“She’s awake...just really tired. It’s good to see you again,” Katherine and David left the room moments later. Lance walked towards Ashleigh and noticed that he eyes were closed. He set down his bag and then stood and watched her for a few seconds in complete silence except machines she was hooked up too.
“Mom, can you get me a glass of water?” Ashleigh whispered so quietly Lance almost didn’t hear her. When he finally realized that he wasn’t hearing things he poured her a glass of water. He helped her hold her head up while she drank. She never even opened her eyes. “Thank you.”
“You're welcome,” Lance replied. Ashleigh’s eyes flew open.
“Lance, I can’t believe you are here. I didn’t know you were coming. I must look like crap,” she continued to whisper weakly but a smile was now forming on her face.
“Oh Ashleigh, you are still as beautiful as always.”
“Always the charmer.”
“How are you feeling Ash?”
“I feel like getting up and dancing. You up to it?”
“Anything for you babe,” he leaned over and kissed her forehead. “How are you really feeling?”
“Relived that you are here. I didn’t think you were going to make it in time. I can’t hold on much longer Lance.”
“No, Ashleigh don’t say that.”
“I am so tired. I can’t keep fighting. They told me that I have a week maybe two to live. Now that you are here I don’t see any reason to keep fighting.”
“Ashleigh...” Ashleigh shook her head before continuing.
“Lance, I am so proud of you. You have achieved so much. Don’t ever let anything hold you back. I am so thankful to have you as my best friend. You won’t ever forget me will you?”
“How could you even think that I would? You will always be my best friend...always.”
“Lance, I love you so much. You make sure that Monica treats you right, ok? You deserve nothing but the best.”
“I love you too Ash. You mean so much to me.” Lance felt like he was on the verge of tears. He never thought that he would have to sit here at this age and listen to his best friend talking to him like this. Ashleigh’s eyes started getting misty.
“Lance, will you do me a favor?”
“Anything Ashleigh. Anything.”
“Tell my parents I love them.”
“Ashleigh...don’t. Not yet. You can’t give up yet.”
“Lance, please...” Lance nodded his head. A silence fell over the two and Ashleigh’s eyes began to close.
“Ashleigh, wait...” Lance cried out. He wasn’t ready for this.
“Lance, don’t worry. I’m not scared. God will take care of me.” She smiled up at him. Lance smiled back and took her hand in his hands. He brought it up to his face and kissed it before holding it there. Ashleigh smiled again before replying.
“Goodbye Lancie,” she whispered and closed her eyes
“Bye Ash,” Lance whispered. He sat and listened as the heart monitor’s beeping slowed down. He watched the line moving across the screen. Soon it was replaced with a flat line as her heart slowed and then finally came to a stop. Ashleigh’s body had finally worn out and she had given up. Cancer had conquered yet again. Tears began flowing freely from Lance’s yellow-green eyes. He laid his head down on Ashleigh’s stomach as he reached over and pushed the call button. Then he just held Ashleigh’s hand as he cried.
Lance left the hospital soon after Ashleigh’s parents came back to the room. He told them what Ashleigh had asked him to. The three stood hugging each other for awhile. Lance finally couldn’t take it anymore; he had to get out of there. He got a taxi and went straight home. Once there he let himself in. It never once occurred to him that his parents didn’t know he was even in town. He found his mother sitting on the couch watching TV.
“Mom?” Lance called out walking towards her. Diane’s head flew around. She was surprised to see her only son standing just feet away from her.
“Lance?” As he walked closer she could tell he had been crying. “What’s wrong honey?” she asked in her southern drawl. Lance’s bag dropped to the floor and he began walking over to her again. Lance sat down next to her. The blonde curled up into a ball and put his head on her lap, just like a child. The tears soon followed and he began to cry again. Lance felt like his world was spinning out of control. He had no idea how to make the feeling stop.
“Lance? Please talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“She’s gone Mom,” Lance choked out.
“What? Who’s gone? Monica didn’t leave you did she? What happened?” Diane never even once suspected he was talking about Ashleigh. She, like Lance, thought that Ashleigh was doing better. Lance gently shook his head.
“Ashleigh. Ashleigh’s gone,” with this Lance started crying uncontrollably.
“No Lance. Are you sure?” Lance just nodded his head again. “Oh Lance. I am so sorry baby. Jim! Jim come here!”
The day was almost over and Monica still hadn’t heard from Lance. It was unlike him not to call as soon as he got off the plane. No matter where he was going he always called when he got there, even when they were just dating. She understood that all he probably was thinking about was getting to Ashleigh. She just wanted to make sure he had made it safely. Airplanes terrified her and he knew it.
Monica reached over to the bedside table and picked up the phone. She had been sitting on their bed studying trying to keep her mind busy. She quickly dialed her husband’s cell phone number. After a few rings his voice mail picked up. Monica was comforted just hearing his voice even though it was just a recording. His soothing voice always did wonders for her nerves. After the beep she left a message.
“Hey baby. I was just calling to check on you. I was getting kinda worried since I hadn’t heard from you yet. Just give me a call and let me know you’re okay when you get a chance. It doesn’t matter what time it is. Love you.” She then hung up the phone. Monica got up and started pacing around the room. Finally she went downstairs to get a glass of milk.
Monica wondered if his parents had heard from him. The blonde glanced at the clock. It was only a little after ten. She dialed the number slowly and then listened to it ring. She was about to give up when Diane finally answered.
“Hello?”
“Diane, hey it’s Monica. I hope it isn’t too late for me to be calling,” she said, her voice laced with concern.
“It’s never too late for you dear.” Lance’s family had always been so nice to her.
“Thanks,” she replied and sighed with relief. “I was just wondering if you had heard from Lance. I haven’t talked to him since he left.” Diane paused before answering.
“Yeah he’s here. He is actually asleep on the couch. I guess there is no easy way to tell you this.” Diane paused again. “Ashleigh passed away shortly after Lance got to the hospital. He is a wreck. He finally fell asleep a few minutes ago. I didn’t know he hadn’t talked to you or I would have called you myself.”
“Oh no,” was the only words that Monica could get out of her mouth.
“Would you like me to wake him up to talk to you dear?” Diane asked.
It took Monica a moment to answer. “No, I’m sure he’s exhausted. Can you please have him call me as soon as he wakes up?”
“Of course. Are you going to be ok Monica?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Monica whispered. It still hadn’t sunk in.
The two women said their goodbyes. Monica hung up the phone and sank into the dining room chair near her. She cradled her head in her hands. Thoughts and memories of Ashleigh flowed through her…the first time they met…the jokes they’d shared…Keeley’s wedding…and seeing Lance smiling with her. She’d only known Ashleigh a short time but the two had grown close. Monica had often wished that Ashleigh lived nearer to them. She knew she would have gained a very close friend.
Monica was awakened by the shrill sound of the kitchen phone ringing. She looked around for a moment trying to remember where she was. She couldn’t believe she’d fallen asleep sitting at the table.
She rose and answered the phone with a sleep filled voice.
“Hey baby it’s me. I just got your message,” Lance said.
Monica glanced at the clock on the wall, it was 5:30 a.m. “I’m so sorry Lance. How are you doing? How are Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds taking all this?”
“They are taking it as well as could be expected. As well as someone can be losing their 22 year old daughter to cancer.”
“How are you doing?” She repeated her question.
“I’m holding up,” he said with a sigh. “How are you feeling? Is your stomach still upset?”
“I’m feeling much better, don’t worry about me,” she told him. There was a pause in the conversation. “So, have they made any arrangements for the funeral yet?”
“I have no idea. I haven’t talked to them since yesterday. I’m sure it will be in the next couple days.”
“I’m coming out there today,” she said firmly.
“But Mon, you hate to fly,” Lance started.
“That is the last thing I’m worried about right now. I’m going to call the guys and we’ll all make arrangements to fly out as soon as possible.”
“Thanks,” was all he could manage. It made him feel better just knowing that she was there for him.
“You take care. I’ll be there soon. I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too Mon.”
As soon as they hung up Monica dialed Justin’s phone number. After she finished that call she called the rest of the guys. All had agreed to drop everything and go to Mississippi that day. They all knew how hard this all had to be on Lance. Besides, Ashleigh had been their friend as well. They felt that they should be there in her memory.
Johnny once again came through and arranged for a plane to be waiting their arrival at the airport. He too had wanted to make the trip, but he was dealing with illness in his own family. He wasn’t able to get away.
“It’s alright Johnny,” Monica had told him. “You’ve been such a help already.”
“I still wish I could be there. Please tell Lance and the Reynolds’ that they are in my prayers.”
Lance was getting ready to leave to pick up his wife and friends from the airport when the phone rang.
“Hello?” He answered.
“Lance its Katherine.”
For a moment he couldn’t respond. He hadn’t even begun to think of what to say to her. What could he say? I’m sorry your daughter is dead? The words wouldn’t come, but he didn’t have to worry, she did it for him.
“I wanted to let you know that we’ve made arrangements for Ashleigh’s memorial service. It’s going to be this Wednesday at 2:00 at the church.”
“Do you need anything? Can I call anyone?” He offered.
“No, all that’s been taken care of. There is something I wanted to ask you though. You were Ashleigh’s best friend Lance and I know she would have wanted you to speak at the funeral,” she choked back a sob. She’d managed to keep it together throughout the conversation, but she finally cracked.
A moment later she pulled herself back together. “I’m sorry Lance; you don’t need to deal with this. I keep telling myself I’m not going to cry, but…”
“Of course I’ll speak at the service, it would be an honor,” he tried to assure her.
“Thank you,” she sniffled. “You’re such a nice young man, I wish Ashleigh had found someone like you to be with,” her voice trailed off.
“Mrs. Reynolds, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to go. I have to pick Monica and the guys up from the airport in a half hour.”
“Oh I’m sorry I interrupted you. Go get your wife.”
The entire ride over Lance thought about what he would say at Ashleigh’s memorial service. His mind was a complete blank. There was so much to say, and yet there was nothing he could say. He thought about sharing some of the special moments they had had together, but they seemed too sacred to share somehow. They were the only thing left he had just for himself of her.
He knew he could always get up there and just do the typical speech he’d seen at funerals he’d attended, but that seemed way too cold and impersonal.
As he parked the car in the parking garage at the airport he said a silent prayer asking for God to help him with the right words.
The ride back to Lance’s house from the airport was the most somber one he’d ever experienced. Usually the car was filled with happy laughter when his friends were around. This time there was only a sorrowful silence. They too all seemed to have a lack of words.
Lance was almost grateful when Monday night came. He was glad that his friends were there with him. He had hoped that it would be easier to deal with everything with them there, but once they were...he realized that nothing was going to make much of a difference.
Tuesday came and went. He still hadn’t decided what to say at Ashleigh’s funeral. Nothing seemed good enough. He had spent most of Tuesday sitting around with a notebook scribbling ideas. That afternoon he spent a long time talking to JC about what was going on. He needed help from someone older but he didn’t think he could get what he needed from his parents. Lance was thankful that JC had picked up on this and had come to him. The blond had been sitting out in a rocking chair, notebook in hand, on the back porch when JC came out.
“Hey buddy. How you holding up?” JC asked as sat in a near by chair.
“I am too young to be worrying about this kind of thing.”
“Lance I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through so I won’t even try. I am sure that I would be feeling the same way in your position.”
“JC, I can’t do this. I am not ready for this sort of thing. Ash’s mom asked me to give the eulogy at the funeral tomorrow. I have no idea what to say. I don’t even know where to begin.”
“To tell you the truth I don’t think I can be much help there.” The two sat for a couple of minutes in silence, and then JC began to speak again. “How do you feel when you think about her?”
“Huh?” The blonde asked. He was barely paying attention and the sudden question startled him.
“I asked how you feel when you think about her.” The question had come as a surprise to Lance. Of course he cared a great deal about her but he had never tried to put his feelings into actual words.
“Well, she always makes me feel special. She gives me hope and strength. She brings me joy. Ashleigh is always there for me when I need her even though I don’t deserve it. I don’t know. It is so hard to put the kind of feelings I have for her into words. Heck I still talk about her like she is still here. I just can’t believe she is gone. I am just so glad that she came to know God before it was too late. I know this is selfish, but her becoming a Christian was so important to me.”
“Lance that was important to all of us. You know what I think. I think you may be on the right track. Just think about what she means to you and use that to write the eulogy. I’m sure it will come to you.”
“Thanks for listening Jace.”
“No prob, Lance. You know where I am if you need me,” he told the blonde before getting up and going back inside. He knew Lance had a lot to think about.
That conversion had happened hours ago. It was now almost 11 at night and everything he had written on the pad had a line scratched through it. The right words just wouldn’t seem to come. He decided to give up and go to bed. Everyone else had long since gone to bed.
‘Maybe it will come to me in my sleep,’ he tried to tell himself.
Lance walked upstairs to his old bedroom and opened the door. He shut it quietly. The moonlight was shining on the bed and he stood and watched his wife sleep. She had her arms wrapped around the pillow he had been sleeping on while he was there. She had told him before that she had trouble sleeping when he wasn’t the in the bed with her. She had gotten so used to him being there. He guessed that the smell of his cologne on the pillow comforted her. Right now he needed some comforting himself. He gently took the pillow out of her hand and then filled the empty space with his own body. He lay in her arms and thanked God for her. He didn’t know what he would do without her. The world as he knew it was still spinning out of control. Monica being there with him at least slowed it down some. Sleep came quickly that night. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep, but a sleep out of pure exhaustion.
Wednesday morning, the day of the funeral finally came. Lance still had no clue what he was going to say. It was driving him crazy.
“Baby don’t worry about it. I am sure it will come to you,” Monica told him in the morning.
“I only have a couple of hours though.”
“You always have worked well under pressure,” she tried to assure him. The two continued to lie in bed for a few minutes. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m going to go take a shower,” he suddenly announced. In less than a minute he was out of sight.
“God, what can I do to help him?” Monica asked out loud.
The warm water ran over Lance’s body reviving him. He tried to push all thoughts out of his mind. Monica was right. Something would eventually come to him. The blonde started humming random songs. A familiar tune soon popped into his head. He knew it from somewhere, but at first he couldn’t place it. Suddenly it hit him what it was.
“Oh my gosh, that is perfect,” he told himself and wondered why he didn’t think about it sooner. He finished rising off and hastily got out of the shower. He needed to go talk to the guys.