Ashleigh watched out the back-seat window at the scenery as they whizzed past it. ‘The countryside is beautiful,’ she thought to herself. ‘Why can’t I just be healthy and be outside enjoying the day instead of doing this?’ Ashleigh and her parents were on the way to Dr. Thompson’s office. Several days had past since Ashleigh and her family had received the news that the cancer was back. She still wasn’t ready to cope with the information, but the doctor encouraged her to come in as soon as possible. They needed to run more tests to find out just how bad the cancer was. So far the trip had been made in complete silence.
The past couple of days had been torture for Ashleigh. She couldn’t even fathom that the cancer was back. She didn’t know what she would have done without her parents. They were always there for her. She felt so guilty putting them both through this again. Her mother’s words echoed through her mind every time the guilt washed over her. ‘We made it through this before. We can do it again.’
‘I don’t want to do this again,’ Ashleigh thought to herself. ‘I don’t have the strength or the energy to do this again.’ She had been praying constantly. God had become a major figure in her life. He brought her comfort, but she still worried. She figured that anyone in her position probably would. It was hard knowing the cancer was back. It was even harder not knowing how bad it was. Ashleigh was lost deep in prayer when her father began speaking.
“Ash? Honey, we’re here,” Mr. Reynolds told her softly. He reached around to pat her leg.
“Ok, Dad,” Ashleigh responded and nodded slightly. Mr. Reynolds couldn’t help but notice the apprehension in his daughter’s face. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard this was for her.
The three piled out of the car and quickly made their way inside. Katherine led the way over to the front desk.
“How may I help you?” the nurse at the desk asked.
Ashleigh noticed it was a different nurse running the desk today. ‘This one actually has a nice personality,’ she thought.
“Yes, I am Katherine Reynolds. My daughter, Ashleigh, has a ten o’clock appointment with Dr. Thompson.”
“Ok,” the nurse smiled. “I’ll let her know that you are here.”
“Thank you very much,” Mrs. Reynolds replied before the trio walked over to take seats in the plastic chairs. The office was nearly empty. No children were in sight to help calm Ashleigh nerves. She didn’t have to wait long though. Dr. Thompson came out and sat with the Reynolds family. The doctor introduced herself and then explained the tests that she was going to run. She told them she was going to take just Ashleigh back to the exam room and when they had the test results she would call Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds to her office so they could all learn and discuss the results together.
A few minutes later Ashleigh was clothed in a paper gown and was being situated to have a MRI. Dr. Thompson had told the family that a MRI would be more insightful than a CAT scan. She explained that it could create a three-dimensional picture of the inside of the body. This way they would be able to tell if there was another tumor anywhere in the body. This would help clear up some question areas that were visible on the CAT scan that was taken on Ashleigh’s last visit. The MRI allows a closer look into the nervous system and bones. Also, this method would not cause Ashleigh to be exposed to more radiation since the machine used magnets.
After being helped onto the table, Ashleigh was given a few instructions.
“Now Ashleigh you have to lie perfectly still while the MRI is going. Some people take a nap while the test is running. Though like I told you earlier, it is going to be rather noisy. Did you bring a CD or anything with you to listen to while you are in there.”
“Yeah, I did. I brought a CD of my best friend’s music group. I am hoping that hearing them will calm me down,” Ashleigh told her as she handed her the Nsync CD. The doctor gave the CD a once over before nodding.
“Maybe so. Don’t be nervous sweetie, go into this with a positive mind,” Dr. Thompson smiled as she spoke. She wanted to try and soothe Ashleigh’s nerves. She knew this had to be hard to go through for a girl Ashleigh’s age. She knew it had to be even harder going though it a second time.
“Easy for you to say,” Ashleigh told her with a smile. The doctor laughed before helping Ashleigh lay down and put her headphones on. These headphones were wireless and hooked up into a sound system in the control room. If the doctors needed to talk to Ashleigh they would be able to stop the music and speak to her. There were also speakers set up in the room so that Ashleigh could answer them.
“Ok, let’s get started. Remember, be perfectly still.” Dr. Thompson, with the help of a nurse, easily slid the table Ashleigh was laying on into the machine. Then they both made their way into the control room, where the radiologist was waiting to start the tests.
Soon Ashleigh’s ears were filled the loud noise of the machine. ‘Wow, she wasn’t kidding when she said this thing was loud. I hope they hurry up and turn on my CD,’ Ashleigh thought to herself. She hardly had enough time to finish her last thought before the voices of her five friends begin drifting into her ears. Ashleigh had made a CD of all her favorite Nsync songs. She couldn’t think of a better time to use the CD.
The machine ran for what seemed like forever. In all actuality, it had only been about 45 minutes. Ashleigh was ready to scream. She was going crazy sitting still for that long. The only thing that was keeping her sanity was the harmony of the five voices that was still filling her ears. In the middle of a song suddenly there was silence; it startled her.
“Ashleigh, the MRI is done. I’ll be there to help you out in just a sec,” Dr. Thompson’s voice filled her headphones.
“Finally,” Ashleigh sighed.
Soon Ashleigh was taken into another room for more tests to be run. First they did an endoscopic biopsy. In this procedure the doctors inserted a flexible tube, which allows visual examination, down Ashleigh’s throat. They wanted to check for any kind of tumors that might be present in Ashleigh’s throat or lungs that wouldn’t show up on the CAT scan or the MRI. This was a much shorter procedure, but it was very uncomfortable.
“Are you guys having fun running your ‘Tests of Torture’ on me?” Ashleigh asked after she finished the glass of water she had been given. The endoscope had really dried out her throat.
“Ashleigh, don’t be silly. You know we are doing this for your own good!” one of the nurses told her.
“Don’t mind Ashleigh, Cassie. She is all bark and no bite.”
“Ha!” Ashleigh laughed. “That’s what you think!” Ashleigh was trying to keep her spirits up, but so far it had been really hard.
‘I don’t know which I am more grateful is over, the long drawn out MRI or the tube being shoved down my throat,’ Ashleigh thought to herself. ‘Wonder what joyful experiences await me ahead,’ she thought almost bitterly. She hated having to go through all this.
Ashleigh spent most of the day getting tests run on almost every part of her body she could think of. She was so tired. All she wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed and pretend that she was normal...pretend that none of this was real, it was all just an awful nightmare and she would wake up and everything was going to be ok.
“Ok Miss Ashleigh. This is going to be the last ‘Test of Torture,’ as you like to call them,” Dr. Thompson informed her, dragging her thoughts back to reality. Back to the harsh cruel world; the world where she really did have cancer.
“Thank God!” Ashleigh exclaimed.
“Well you might not be saying that when I tell you what is about to happen.”
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Ashleigh replied with a questioning look on her face. “What are you about to do to me?”
“It’s called a bone marrow biopsy.” Ashleigh slightly nodded as she continued to listen to her doctor. “Ok this is what’s going to happen. You are going to lie on your stomach and we are going to give you a local anesthetic in your back. The procedure is kind of like the needle biopsy we did on your breast, but the needle is bigger. Also, the sample will be coming out of a bone in the small of your back. The anesthetic will help with the pain, but since we can’t numb the bone, you will be able to feel that. We will have to do a core biopsy, which will remove some calcium from the bone. This will make the bone softer so the needle can reach the marrow. The marrow is what we need to test.” Ashleigh looked at her doctor with fear in her eyes. “Don’t worry Ashleigh. It won’t take long and then you will be all done.” Ashleigh nodded in complete silence.
‘God, why me?’ Ashleigh asked in her head before beginning a silent prayer. She told herself that with God’s help she was going to stay strong and make it through this. A few moments later Ashleigh was lying on her stomach, in a room with another doctor she had never seen before, waiting for the anesthesia to kick in. She didn’t even realize that they had started the procedure until they reached the bone. Ashleigh screamed out in pain as soon as the needle hit the bone.
“Ashleigh, sweetie, it’s ok,” Dr. Thompson tried to soothe her. The doctor took one of Ashleigh’s hands and squeezed it while rubbing Ashleigh’s upper back with the other one. Tears streamed down Ashleigh’s face during the biopsy. When it was over they left Ashleigh lying on the bed to rest for a few minutes while they ran the tests to the lab. Ashleigh was absolutely exhausted. She had been there all day getting tests run. She was so tired. She got up and put her clothes back on, one of the nurses had brought them into the room for her earlier. Just as soon as she did she slumped down into a chair and began to cry. She couldn’t believe the pain she was in. She also couldn’t believe how tired she was.
The doctor came in a few minutes later and found Ashleigh crying. “Ashleigh’s what’s wrong?”
“I’m so tired. I hurt everywhere,” Ashleigh sobbed. She was ashamed of herself for letting her emotions show. She always tried to keep everything all bottled up to herself. Today it was just too much and she couldn’t handle it anymore.
“Ashleigh, it’s ok. The way you feel is totally understandable.” Dr. Thompson grabbed Ashleigh a couple of tissues out of the box on the counter. She handed them to Ashleigh before continuing. “You just got done with a round of chemo and we have been running tests on you all day. I would be worried if you weren’t worn out.” Dr. Thompson said to her and kneeled down beside her chair. “I’ve got an idea. It is going to be a little bit longer before the test results are back. Do you want to lie down for a little while? Maybe you can get a quick nap in.”
“Ok,” Ashleigh whispered softly and allowed the doctor to help her up and lead her back over to the table the biopsy had been performed on. She lay down on her stomach since her back was still sore. The doctor turned down the lights and left the room, softly closing the door behind her.
Dr. Thompson went out to the waiting room to inform Ashleigh’s parents of the current situation. When Dr. Thompson entered the waiting room she found David starring off into space. She could read no emotion on his face. Katherine was aimlessly flipping through a magazine. She wasn’t stopping long enough to even see what was on the page. She felt truly sorry for the two of them.
“Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds?” Dr. Thompson said.
“Oh Dr. Thompson, how is our daughter?” David asked as he stood up when he realized the doctor was there. He had been born and raised in the South. He was a gentleman through and through. Dr. Thompson took a seat beside Katherine. David sat back down when the doctor was seated.
“Well, we have finished running all the tests,” Dr. Thompson informed them. “I am waiting for the results to get back from the lab. Ashleigh is resting right now. She is in some pain and she’s very tired. Like I told her, after what she has been through lately, it is totally to be expected. I just wanted to let you know how things were going. Do either one of you have any questions?”
“Do you know how much longer it will be?” Katherine asked.
“I’m not sure but I will let you know just as soon as I get them. I am hoping that they won’t be much longer.”
“Ok,” Mrs. Reynolds nodded meekly. She was ready for this day to be over almost as much as Ashleigh. Dr. Thompson smiled and stood up to leave the waiting room.
“Thank you for keeping us informed,” David told her before putting his arm around his wife. The doctor smiled at the two and left the waiting room.
About 30 minutes later Dr. Thompson came back into the waiting room and informed the Reynolds that all the test results were back and invited them to come to her office. David and Katherine stood and followed Dr. Thompson to her office. Once there they saw Ashleigh sitting very uncomfortably in the middle chair of three arranged in front of the doctor’s desk.
“Ashleigh!” her mom exclaimed when she saw her daughter. She rushed over to hug her. Ashleigh winced and grunted in pain as he mom squeezed her. “Oh honey, I am so sorry. I totally forgot.”
“It’s ok Mom,” she answered quietly. Her mom quickly took a seat beside Ashleigh. Mr. Reynolds patted Ashleigh lightly on her shoulder before taking his seat on the other side of his daughter.
“Ok, well I want to thank you both for being so patient while we ran all the tests today,” Dr. Thompson spoke to David and Katherine. “I am sorry that it took so long, but we wanted to make sure we covered all possibilities. Ashleigh, thank you for being such a good sport during the ‘Tests of Torture’,” she finished with a smile. A small grin appeared on Ashleigh’s face.
“As I told you all, the test results are back. I looked over them before I called you all to my office. I will have to be honest with you; they are not what I was expecting. I wish I had better news to tell you, but I don’t. I don’t know a way to make this any easier for you.” Katherine reached over and grabbed Ashleigh’s hand. Ashleigh’s head slightly dropped when she heard the doctor’s words. She already knew what the doctor was going to say.
“Ashleigh, are you going to be ok?” Dr. Thompson asked.
She slightly nodded before looking back up with tears in her eyes. “How bad is it?”
“You breast cancer has moved into stage four.”
“What does that mean Dr. Thompson?” David asked.
“Stage four is when a tumor of any size has spread beyond the breast, past the chest wall and to other organs.” The doctor continued to tell them how the cancer had progressed and what other organs were now involved. She told them how the cancer had moved into the lymph nodes and had spread into the other organs.
“Well, what do we do now?” Ashleigh asked.
“We are going to try to treat it as much as possible. There are a couple of places that we can operate on. I do have to be truthful though. I am not sure that surgery is going to do much good. The cancer has spread a lot more than I first thought. We can try a different approach then we tried before. Maybe we can get you on a stronger chemotherapy regiment.”
“So you’re saying this is going to kill me...”
“Ashleigh, don’t think like that. You need to be positive. We are going to do all that we can to make you better,” Dr. Thompson told her. Ashleigh and both of her parents sat in silence for a few minutes letting the information sink in.
“I want to go home,” Ashleigh said aloud as she let go of her mother’s hand, stood up and left the room.
“Ashleigh,” Katherine called as she stood up to go after her.
“Katherine, let her go. She needs a minute alone,” David told his wife as reached out and grabbed her wrist. Katherine stopped and stared at him. She finally sat back down in the seat that Ashleigh had occupied moments before.
“I am so sorry that I couldn’t have given you better news. I know that none of you are up to making decisions about treatment right now. After you go home, why don’t the three of you sit down and talk about it. Let me know what you decide. You can call me with any questions that you may have.”
“Thank you doctor,” David said as he stood and shook Dr. Thompson’s hand. He held his hand out to his wife and helped her back into a standing position. She still hadn’t said anything. The two left the office and went in search of their daughter. They finally found her sitting on the stairs leading up the building.
“Come on Ashleigh. Let’s go home,” Katherine said as she helped her up. The three got in the car and headed home.
The ride home was also made in complete silence. No one knew what to say. About an hour later they pulled into their driveway.
“Ashleigh I know you must be hungry, let me go start supper.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not hungry. I’m going to rest for awhile,” Ashleigh mumbled before heading upstairs. Katherine sighed in defeat. She made her way over to the couch and plopped down. Her head dropped into her hands and she began to cry. David quickly went over to his wife and wrapped his arms around her. The two sat in silence, just holding onto each other for dear life.
Meanwhile, Ashleigh was upstairs pacing back and forth across her bedroom. She was so tired, she wanted to lie down and take a nap. Her thoughts were running a million miles a minute through her head and she knew there was no use to even attempt to sleep, so she continued to pace. Ashleigh’s head was beginning to throb. Her hands reached up and she began to massage her temples. She thought about going to get her medicine, but it made her angry that she had to deal with things like this all the time. The brunette continued to process what the doctor had told her. ‘It’s only going to get worse. I am going to start hurting everywhere.’ The more she thought about it, the angrier she got.
“It’s not fair!” She said to herself. “What did I ever do? I don’t deserve this!” Finally she couldn’t take it anymore. All the rage that had built up inside of her had to come out. She looked around the room, searching for something that she could take her aggression out on. During the scan her eyes focused on the bed, the bed that she had spend so much time in. Times of pain…times of suffering…times of being so weak that she couldn’t get up. Suddenly she hated that one piece of furniture more than she had ever hated anything in her life.
She walked over to the bed and began to attack it. She began to throw everything off her bed, onto the floor. She ripped the covers off it and tossed them up into the air, letting them land wherever. She randomly tossed pillows and stuffed animals. She finally had the bed stripped down to the mattress and box springs. She shoved the mattress as hard as she could and knocked it into the floor. The brunette looked around the room panting.
Ashleigh looked over at her cluttered desk. It was covered in schoolwork and textbooks. For awhile she had been trying to keep up with her work but it just gotten to be too much. It was just another reminder of how not normal her life was. Her arms flew out and she swiped everything off her desk, onto the floor. A couple of papers remained on the desk. She quickly picked the papers up. Ashleigh quickly scanned them. It was some work from her anthropology class. “So much for ever finishing college,” she almost growled. A loud zip broke though the air as she torn the papers into shreds. The scraps fell into the floor when they got to small to rip anymore.
She walked over to her dresser where she found a framed picture of her and Lance. She picked it up and held it in both hands. It was a copy of the picture Lance had of the two of them dancing. She looked her long hair in the picture. Her left hand reached up and touched her now short style. She had tried to play it off when Lance had said something about it, like it was no big deal. It was a big deal though. She remembered sitting in her bathroom floor crying when her hair started falling out. She knew it was vain, but she couldn’t help being upset.
“I’ll never have long hair again. Hell I’ll probably never be able to dance again. I will never be able to do anything the same again,” she whispered to herself. The thought enraged her. She screamed as she took the picture and threw it across the room. The glass shattered as it hit the wall.
David and Katherine heard Ashleigh scream and then the glass shatter. Both took off running up the stairs. They entered Ashleigh’s room to find their daughter curled up into a ball, crying, on the floor.
“Baby, what happened? Are you ok?” David asked as he got down on the floor to check on her. Katherine was right behind him. She got down on her knees and reached out to Ashleigh trying to soothe her.
“Daddy, I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.”
“Can’t do what honey?” her mom asked.
“I can’t go through more chemo. I can’t go through more surgeries. I don’t have the strength. I don’t have the energy. You heard the doctor. I’m not going to get better anyway.”
“Ashleigh, don’t give up so soon,” David encouraged.
“I’m not giving up. I am being reasonable,” she told them as she raised her head up and looked them both. “I just want to be happy. I am always sick and weak when I am on medicine. I don’t want to do that again. I want to make the most of whatever time I have left,” Ashleigh told them.
“Ashleigh, we will support whatever decision you make. I do want you to really think about this before you make your decision though,” Katherine told her as tears streamed down her face. David nodded his agreement in silence.
“Thank you.”
“Ashleigh, you need to get some sleep. Come on, you can lie down in our bed and we will get this mess cleaned up,” her dad told her. Ashleigh looked around her room for the first time since her rage had started.
“I am so sorry!” Ashleigh told them when she realized the mess she made. “I’ll clean it up. I didn’t mean to,” Ashleigh said as she got up and began to pick up some of the items she had knocked off her desk.
“Ashleigh,” her dad tried to stop her, but she kept cleaning. “Ashleigh!” he said firmer this time. She stopped and looked at him. “You need to rest. It’s ok. We will take care of it,” he told her and reached out to take everything she had picked up out of her hands. He set it on the desk and then escorted her out of the room. Her helped her into his bed and covered her up.
“I love you Daddy,” she said before closing her eyes. Her father looked down at her and smiled.
“I love you too Ashleigh,” he whispered before leaning down to kiss her on the forehead.
Ashleigh woke up several hours later feeling a little better, though not much. She looked around at her surroundings, confused for a moment. Finally it dawned on her that she was in her parent’s room. She reached up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes and glanced at the clock on their bedside table. It read 12:45 am.
“Ugh,” she groaned out loud. “I can’t believe I slept that long. All of a sudden she realized that it was very late and she was in her parents’ bed.
‘Where are they?’ she thought to herself as she pushed herself up and eased out of bed. She walked down the dimly lit hallway and peered into each room as she passed. When she looked into her own room she found that everything was put back the way it was. The bed was made once again and her books sat in a neat stack on her desk. She felt bad that her parents had cleaned up her mess.
She continued her search and wandered down the stairs when she still hadn’t found them. At the bottom of the stairs she looked into the living room. There her parents sat curled up together sound asleep on the couch. She didn’t want to wake them, but she knew they would be much more comfortable in their own bed upstairs.
“Mom,” she said quietly as she gently shook her mother’s shoulder.
“What honey?” Her mom mumbled as her eyes fluttered open.
“You guys should head up to bed. It’s late.”
Her mother nodded and reached over to wake her husband. The two stumbled up the stairs and walked to their room.
“Goodnight,” Ashleigh called after them.
The next morning Ashleigh was awakened by the sound of the vacuum cleaner running down the hall. She opened her door and found her mom beginning to vacuum the spare bedroom. She walked over and touched her mom’s shoulder. Katherine jumped at the disturbance.
“Oh honey, you scared me to death!” She exclaimed as her hand instinctively rose to her chest.
“I’m sorry mom, I didn’t mean to. What are you doing anyway?”
“This place is just a mess. I’m trying to do some cleaning,” her mom told her as she reached over to smooth the quilt on the bed.
“Mom, you cleaned just the other day, there’s nothing wrong with the house, it’s spotless.”
Katherine sighed as she sat down on the bed. “You know I clean when I’m stressed,” she told her daughter. “I just feel like I need to keep busy.”
Ashleigh nodded. She did know that. Her mother had always been a nervous cleaner.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Her mom asked, finally breaking the silence that had cloaked the room.
“OK, not too bad.”
“Have you thought more about treatment?” Her mother asked hopefully.
“Yeah. I already told you that I’m sick of being sick. All the treatment does is make me feel worse. I’d rather try to live as normal as possible until my time runs out. Please understand mom.”
“I do honey, I do.” Katherine reached out and took Ashleigh’s hand into hers. She remembered all the nights Ashleigh had woken up puking. She would always remember how run down Ashleigh was during and after each round of chemo. Her daughter had been through enough.
“Have you told Lance yet?” Her mother asked suddenly.
Ashleigh sighed. “No I haven’t and I don’t plan to. I don’t want him worrying about me anymore than he already is. The poor guy is going to worry himself to death!” Ashleigh chuckled trying to lighten the mood.
“You do know that eventually he will find out right?” Katherine asked.
“Yeah, I know.” Ashleigh looked down at her hands in her lap. “Please don’t tell him mom,” she said suddenly. “Not until it’s absolutely necessary ok?”
Katherine looked at her daughter in concern. “OK,” she finally agreed. “Not until it’s absolutely necessary.”