Chapter 12: A reason for falling
Did you call?� Serenity asked AJ as she came from the bathroom in the back. �Well, no. I�m having a hard time trying to find a phone at the moment.� He said as he searched the kitchen. �You can�t find a phone? This place has water and electricity, but no phone?� Serenity asked surprised. �Looks that way.� AJ said as he started for the couch in the front room. �I can�t believe it. So now what do we do?� She asked as she sat in a chair irritated. �We�ll stay the night and wait until tomorrow. When day comes we can hit the road again and try to find our way out of here or at least find that gas station. We'll have a better chance of seeing where were going when it�s day light out.� He told her. �So, for now we wait.� Serenity said uniting her shoes. Serenity�s stomach growled. �Hungry?� AJ chuckled. I�m fine.� She said leaning back in her chair. �I�ll be back. There�s still some potato chips left in the car.� He said as he walked toward the door.
�I�m fine, really. I don�t want any of your food.�
�Well too bad because if you don�t eat my food your going to starve.� He said as he walked out of the door. Serenity didn�t say anything. She noticed the book case on the side of the wall and walked over to it. As she looked at the books she noticed a photo album and took it out. She took it back to the chair with her and started thumbing through it. �What�s that?� AJ asked her as he came back from outside. �I found it in the book case. There pictures of the people that own this cabin I guess. Ha, look at this; they look like high school pictures.� She said pointing at pictures in the book. AJ walked over to view them. �Funny. Here�s the chips.� He said dropping the bag in her lap and returning to the couch. �Thanks.� She said reluctantly. She sat quietly looking at the pictures and feeling bored. �So, what were you like in high school?� She asked him as she closed the book. �Actually I didn�t really get a chance to experience high school. I only went my freshman year.�
�Oh, did you like it?�
�Actually, everyone pretty much thought I was a freak I think. I was pretty much a loner. I did the theater thing and I was in choir and all that. So I wasn't exactly the popular guy in school. Besides that, I was busy rehearsing for the group and before then I was busy auditioning for stuff. Never really got a chance to just be a normal kid in school I guess.�
�Didn�t that bug you? I mean not being able to be a regular kid in school?�
�No, not really. When we started to tour I guess that�s when it really hit me though. That�s when I started to miss a normal life a little bit. But I was happy to be doing what I was doing and I never regretted my decision. I missed my life a little, but I would have really missed my career if I would have stayed. So, what were you like in high school?� He asked her. �Well let�s just say I wasn't exactly an honor roll student.� She said with a sly smile. �You were that bad?� He asked her. �Yap. I got in a lot of trouble, hanging around the wrong kids doing stuff I shouldn�t have. That�s one reason why my dad still has people babysitting me when I come visit. When I got out of high school I completely changed though. I don�t know, I guess I just felt it was time to grow up. For some reason my dad can�t get over it though. He still thinks I�m that little troublesome girl who can�t stay out of trouble. My life is totally different now. He would know that if he cared to even spend one day with me. But that�s the way it is.�
I�m sure he cares, he just doesn�t know how to show it.�
�Believe me, you don�t know my father.�
�Dad�s can be...�
�Don�t start AJ, I know you mean well but I know my dad, so you can skip the bit on how he�s trying his best and all.� She said interrupting him. �Actually, I was just going to say dad�s can be jackasses sometimes.�
�Oh, well... yeah.� She said a little surprised of his comment. �So I'll take it your not very close with your father either?� She asked. �No, he left me and my mom when I was very small. The first time I saw him I was 9. We were at this park and he came up to my mom and said hi. I thought he was an old friend of hers or something and then she tapped me and told me he was my dad. He shook my hand and asked me how I was doing. I said fine. He and my mom had a few words, he said nice seeing you again and that was it.�
�Wow, that�s pretty harsh. You never saw him again after that?�
�Yeah, I went searching for him when I was 17. I found him and he told me how he was a big Backstreet Boys fan, how he had followed our success and all that. After that we spent a day together when we finished touring and I got to know him a little. And then he got sick, and then he died.�
�Oh, I�m sorry.�
�Actually he died last week. I had just come from his funeral the day I got trapped in the elevator with you.�
�Oh AJ, I am so sorry.� She said standing and coming to sit on the couch next to him. �I feel so bad for giving you such a hard time that day. That must have been so awful.�
�Believe me, it�s okay. I mean, I barely knew the guy. Actually he�s the one that�s been making my life crazy these past few weeks. Sorry if it seemed like I've been mad at you or irritated. You didn�t deserve that back in the car. It�s just my dad and Linda and now this wedding. I've just been really stressed out.�
�Who�s Linda?�
�Well I guess you could call her my step mother. She was married to my dad, and for some reason she feels like it�s her duty to keep reminding me of him. Telling me stories about him and what he thought of me and giving me stuff that belonged to him. She just doesn�t get it, you know. I don�t want to know about him, I don�t want any of his stuff.�
� Your talking like a stranger died. I mean even though you weren�t close to him he was still your dad�
�Serenity you didn�t know him. His whole life was built on lies and empty promises. He didn�t even have insurance when he died. I had to pay for all the arrangements to keep Linda from going into debut. I even had to pay off old bills he hadn�t payed. And before he died he actually went to a magazine and talked about my relationship with him. How he missed me and how he wanted us to be closer. He didn�t miss me. If he missed me he would have called, he would have sent a card, he would have done something. My whole life I couldn�t understand how he could have a son and not care about him. Why should I waste time mourning for him when he couldn�t even pick up a phone to say hi to me.�
�AJ, did you ever think that maybe there was something that kept him from doing that. Maybe he had a reason.�
�Yeah, a reason. He told me he was scared to, and that he felt like I was better off without him. Why would he think I was better off without him? How can a kid be better off not knowing his father?�
�Look at all your success, that could be kind of intimidating yea know.�
�Yeah, whatever. What about before the Backstreet Boys? Where was he then, hu?� He said standing up and walking over to the kitchen. �Have you looked to see if their�s any food in here?� He said looking in the cabinets. �How did he die?� Serenity asked still sitting on the couch. �He had cancer. He was pretty sick before he passed. When the doctors found it, it had already spread. He only lived for 2 weeks after that. You know what was weird? The day I found out about the magazine interview I went over to his house. I was going to chew him out really good too. He had asked me to come over because he had to tell me something. I thought it was about the magazine so before he could even say anything, I started yelling at him. I, um, I said some pretty mean things too. But at the time I wasn't really thinking. He just deserved it, you know. And before I left he told me he was sick, but I wasn't listening. I just stormed out of the house and went home. The next day I went on vacation with Jessica and we were gone for 2 weeks. When I came home he was already gone.� AJ turned back around to face the cabinets again. �I don�t know what to say. I can�t imagine how hard that must be for you.� Serenity said looking at him in disbelief. �Yeah well, don�t feel bad, doesn�t matter he�s gone now anyway. So do you want beans? Because I found a can of Pork and Beans.� He replied nonchalantly. �AJ did you talk to Linda about what happened?� Serenity asked him. �You know what, don�t really feel like talking about my dad anymore, so can we just drop it. I think I saw a can opener in one of the drawers to open the beans.� He said starting to ramble through one of them.
�You should talk to her and tell her what happened before you left him; she would probably like to know that. And she could probably tell you some of his last words about you.� Serenity went on. �You know what? I think I saw a can opener in one of the cabinets when I was looking before actually.� He said as he went back looking in the cabinets. �You act like you don�t care, but you can�t be numb to this. I mean... he was your father. You only get one dad.� The wide eyed girl went on. �You know what? I guess I was right the first time. The can opener is defiantly in a drawer.� He said turning back around. �This whole thing must be hard for you. I mean, no one is immune to caring.� She went on. �Found the opener!� AJ exclaimed as he went trying to open the can. �I know he missed stuff in your life. It must of hurt seeing everyone else with a dad and not knowing your own. In a way I can understand that, but you can�t just not feel for him. I didn�t know him but I know he must have loved you. You just don�t know how much.� Serenity told him, now turning around to face him. �Dumb thing is hard to get open.� He said as he struggled with the can.
As Serenity talked, her words were taking him back, back to those times and back to the dark place he felt inside himself. The feelings of regret he had. If he had only stayed, if he had only listened to him. Why was he so bent on getting his dad back? The scared feelings, the feelings of sorrow, the feeling of hopelessness, the feelings of grief and regret, they were all starting to surface. But he used the can of beans to suppress them. He focused every amount of energy he had on the can. If he could just concentrate on the can and block Serenity out then he would be fine. He just couldn�t think about the feelings, he couldn�t let his mind wonder to the bad thoughts. He had to stay concentrated on opening the can. �AJ, you seriously don�t Believe your dad cared for you? You don�t believe he meant the things he said?� Serenity asked. AJ got quiet. He concentrated on the can in front of him. � I think you should talk to Linda. She could help you to understand your father better.� The dark haired girl went on.
AJ felt the wall he put up starting to crack. The emotions he tried so desperately to hold back were starting to seep though. He felt shortness of breath as he stopped working on the can. He faced the sink away from Serenity still looking down though. �AJ, you say you don�t, but you have to care. I've only known you for a couple of days now, but I feel like I know you enough to know you�re not a cold hearted person. Your not the type of person who couldn�t care. Why are you holding it all in?� She asked him as he continued facing the wall in the kitchen. Then all of a sudden he let reality hit him. He had no father. The statement rang through his head like an echo. He felt as though he hadn�t had a father before, but this time it was different. He really didn�t have a dad. He would never talk to him again never ger to say things that maybe he wanted to say. It wasn�t like before when he knew he had a dad but just didn�t know where he was. This time his dad was gone for real and he would never be able to find him. The word never throbbed in his mind. He felt a single tear roll down his cheek as his wall came crumbling down. He quickly wiped it away and turned around. �I can�t open this damn thing it�s too hard! I told you I don�t want to talk about my dad okay! Why do you want to keep beating a dead horse?! He�s dead already, he�s gone and there�s nothing no one can do! I�m so tired of hearing about him. I just... I want to be alone!� He yelled as he ran to one of the bedrooms and slammed the door behind him.