#1 Attire: You are going to get dirty and lubed up no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Don’t wear anything expensive or that may explode if it comes into contact with water-based lubricant. When you are wrestling: no pants, shoes, long-sleeved shirts, or combinations thereof. And for real- who wears shirts with no pants? This is maybe excusable if you are a girl. But not if you’re a guy. Take off your shirt- hell, everyone has nipples, no? You can even rip it off like Hulk Hogan used to. Wasn’t that cool?
#2 Shit Talking: All wrestling matches must begin with at least 30 seconds of intense, heated shit-talking. At the end of a match there may be no residual hard feelings as a result of the shit talking. Shit talking must be impassioned, loud, and possibly incoherent. No rhyming. You are neither Mohammed Ali nor are you Eminem.
#3 Pins: Head and shoulders touching the ground for a 3 count by the referee. Falling out of bounds of the ring for more than, oh, let’s say 10 seconds will be an automatic Pin for the person still in the ring.
#4 Time Limit: All fights are 1.5 minutes long (except in the event of a Pin), to be timed by the Signstress. If there is no Pin and the majority of the crowd demands an extention, the Referee can extend the match until there is a more pleasing sense of closure. Cries for blood will be largely ignored, except in the metaphorical sense.
#5 Violence: No punching, kicking, stabbing, gouging, weapons, or biting will be tolerated. This excludes any punching, kicking, gouging, weapons, or biting done by the Birthday Girl, as she does what she pleases. This is wrestling, not street fighting. The House of Yes does, however, understand the fallibility of humanity, so therefore the occasional, accidental shot to the crotch will be considered more humorous than anything else. But keep it safe, or the Door Guy will destroy you.
#6 Hygene: Keep it on the tarps. There will be plenty of tarpage for you to slime around on while lubed. Other than that, you can roll around naked and lick the floor. Showers, or rather, shower will be provided. Consistency of hot water is in no way guaranteed. Bring a towel and a change of clothes.
#7 Etiquette: You must obey the referee at all times. He or She is practically godlike and is only answerable to the Birthday Girl, who is, for all intents and purposes, God. Don’t fuck with the Birthday Girl. Fuck with the Birthday Girl and the Door Guy will destroy you.
What to Bring:
Booze
Clothes to change into
You’re personalized wrestling uniform (or swimsuit)
Pompoms and signs to cheer on your favorite wrestlers
Towels
What Will Be Provided:
A washer and dryer
A shower
Music
Lubricated asskickings
A wonderful heating system