F.A.Q.

 

 

Q: What should I wear?

A: A wrestling costume. Notable past costumes have been: Birthday Brat, The Mighty Tighty Whitey, The Enimator, Trash Man, and Stripper Boy Scout. Some things to keep in mind, though-

·        No pants, shoes, socks, or long-sleeved shirts in the ring. 

·        White clothes become instantly translucent. This isn’t to say that white clothes aren’t allowed, or even encouraged. By all means, white clothes. We’re just sayin’.

    

Q: Will we be using traditional Greco-Roman wrestling rules?

A: I don’t even know what that means, Nancy-boy. The matches go as follows:

 

1.  Shit talking: All matches begin with at least 15 seconds of intense, heated shit-talking. Shit-talking must be loud, impassioned, and possibly incoherent. At the end of the match there can be no residual hard feelings as a result of the shit-talking. No rhyming will be tolerated.

2.  Pins: A Pin will be declared when your opponent’s head and shoulders touch the ground for a 3 count by the referee. Falling out of bounds of the ring for more than, oh, let’s say 10 seconds will be an automatic Pin for the person still in the ring.

3.  Time Limit: All fights are 1.5 minutes long (except in the event of a Pin), to be timed by whomever ends up taking the initiative to time matches. If there is no Pin and the majority of the crowd demands an extention, the Referee can extend the match until there is a more pleasing sense of closure. Cries for blood will be largely ignored, except in the metaphorical sense.

4.  Standing: As it is completely impossible to stand in multiple gallons of lubricant for more than a few seconds without spontaneously dying, all contestants will be wrestling on their knees. This is also completely in the spirit of Pink Saturday.

5.  Violence: No punching, kicking, stabbing, gouging, weapons, or biting will be tolerated. This excludes any punching, kicking, gouging, weapons, or biting done by the Birthday Brat, as he does whatever he pleases. This is wrestling, not street fighting. However, we understand the concept of human fallibility, so therefore the occasional, accidental shot to the crotch will be considered more humorous than anything else. More than 3 “accidental” crotch shots will be considered suspect.

 

Q: Last time, someone handed me a brownie and I wound up sitting in my car, hallucinating wildly and praying that I would someday sober up. Also, I was dressed up like a candy-raver, with a pacifier and everything.

A: Well, Maer, you bring up a good point. Brownies are to be considered every bit as suspect as multiple crotch kickings. Also, the “ecstacy” that was being passed around that night was actually fish oil.

 

Q: Will this hurt?

A: God, I hope so.  I mean, it’ll hurt you, Pansy-ass. Me, I’ll be standing with my foot in the crook of your busted-ass neck, holding up a giant sword, and there will be a mostly naked woman holding onto my leg and looking up at my golden, perfect body with a sense of awe and barely restrained lust. But you- you’ll be in wild amounts of writhing, luby pain.

 

Q: Could I die?

A: Very few people died at our last bout. However, someone nearly broke a rib. Keep in mind that there is a lot of potential for getting hurt- between the extra-slippery lubricant and the intense, world-class wrestling, there is every reason for us to say this: Attend at your own risk. We can’t be held responsible.

 

Q: Is this a sex party?

A: No. Close your eyes. Imagine what a kiddie pool full of lubricant looks like after an orgy. Ewwww. I’m not cleaning that up. Are you? Of course not. There will be no love here, hippy. There will be mayhem and violence and the sweet smell of victory.

 

Q: Who’ll be in charge?

A: Monica (aka THE FINISHER). She will have a megaphone or something similar. She will be appointing referees as she sees fit. Obey these referees at all times, even if it means killing someone you love. The referees are, as far as you are concerned, godlike, and are only answerable to Monica or the Birthday Brat (aka Jason), who are, for all intents and purposes, God.

 

Q: Should I bring anything other than a wrestling outfit?

A: Yes. Make sure you have:

 

·        Some form of Booze. While it’s not absolutely necessary, you‘ll feel all cool when you show up with (at least) a six-pack. Which isn’t to say that you can’t bring something fruity with a high-alcohol content. The ladies love that shit.

·        Clothes to change into: Trust me.

·        Props: Even if you don’t wrestle, you might want to get your cheer on. Pom-poms are encouraged. Or, if you happen to be cheering for The Enimator, bring a plunger.

·        Towels: I have nothing witty to say about towels. Bring one.

·        Donations: Not to be a douche, but $5 or $10 goes a long way to help us cover our costs- this shit’s expensive, yo.

 

Q: Anything else I should know?

A: Oh- the shower is basically a communal space. It’ll be there when you need it, but people might crawl in there with you- we don’t have time for lines. Please keep in mind that this really isn’t a sex party, although some light semi-innocent drunken shower groping will be overlooked. If you’re hanging about the shower the whole time, though, you will be considered suspect. We strongly recommend that you shower with your clothes on.