Assassin F.A.Q.

 

Q: What does “regulation squirt gun” mean?

A: Odds are, if you paid less than $5 for a squirt gun, you are in possession of a regulation water pistol. Super SquirtersÔ are not regulation. In fact, your only option for weaponry other than a cheap, plastic, colorful, run-of-the-mill squirt gun is a water balloon. But good luck finding places to fill them up.

 

Q: I have spray-painted my gun because I think it’ll look cool. Don’t you think that’ll look cool?

A: It would, indeed, look cool. However, running around the Mission with what appears to be a real gun could be considered a very loud cry for help. Imagine for a moment that you are a police officer or gang member who sees a visibly drunk person brandishing what looks to be a real gun. Not a pleasant game of make-believe, was it? No. Your gun must very obviously be a toy- bright, colorful, and non-threatening. Nothing ruins a game faster than having participants gunned down by police officers.

 

Q: I found a loophole in the rules and am planning on exploiting it. Aren’t I clever?

A: Indeed you are. But we’d appreciate it if you kept your scheming to a minimum. The game’s going to be complicated enough without having to deal with every third person calling you a cheater because you, say, hired a helicopter to dump a few thousand gallons of water on the Mission, drenching everyone and thereby making you the winner. While we are impressed with the scope of your vision, we would encourage you to chill the fuck out. Just have fun playing the game.

 

Q: I have an idea, strategy, or prop for the game but I think it might be a violation of the rules. Should I just go ahead and do it?

A: No. Your idea is totally against the rules. You knew that before you even asked the question.

 

Q: Can I kill people coming after me?

A: No. You can only kill members of the team whose dossier you are holding.

 

Q: Well, then, how do I defend myself?

A: You can’t. If you see anyone coming towards you, run. Paranoia is your best defense.

 

Q: That’s it? Run?

A: Yep. Run as fast as you can.

 

Q: Somebody cheated!

A: That’s not actually a question.

 

Q: Somebody cheated! Won’t you do something to fix it?

A: If you feel, deep down in your bones, that someone is cheating, tell Monica and she will dispatch a rogue assassin to kill the cheater dead. Try to save this option for hardcore cheating (i.e. you shot someone from three feet away and they ran off anyhow, possibly while giving you the finger) rather than incidental bullshit, or you will be guilty of “tattling”. Tattling will end in Monica dispatching not one but two rogue assassins- one for them and one for you.

 

Q: What’s up with the people wearing green?

A: These are noncombatants: photographers, referees, cheerleaders, etc. Don’t fuck with them. If you spray a photographer you could potentially fuck up a camera worth more than you or I make in a month. Be good to these people.

 

Q: I ran out of water! What should I do?

A: There will be a bucket of water (aka “ the ammo dump”) across the street from Delirium in the safety zone. It will be manned by The People in Green, neither of whom will take any shit.

 

Q: But I'm safe inside Delirium, right?

A: Right. But only come in if you've just killed someone or you’ve been killed. TREAT DELIRIUM WITH FANATICAL LEVELS OF RESPECT. Don't use their backdoor; don't shoot people inside the bar, no running inside the bar. You can, however, get naked inside the bar. I can't imagine that the bartender will mind.

 

Q: Can get shot the second I step out of Delirium?

A: Not exactly. Delirium has a business to run, and they don't want to deal with your drunk ass running headfirst into the chest of one of their regulars. Pretend that there is a 20-foot safety zone around Delirium, or they will ultimately tell us to leave.

 

Q: I just left Delirium and someone shot me! Isn’t that cheating?

A: Killing someone as they leave Delirium, while possibly unsportsmanlike, is not cheating. The moment you begin to think about leaving Delirium, you should turn your paranoia back up to 10, or even 11, if your dial goes that high. You should hit the ground running and freaked out.  Keep in mind that waiting around Delirium to kill someone who is about to leave isn’t necessarily an intelligent move- remember that people are still hunting your ass, so you probably shouldn’t be sitting still. 

 

Q: I just killed someone!  Now what?

A: You and your quarry must report to Delirium, where Monica will log your kill and you will get a drink from your victim. While en route to Delirium with your victim, you are safe from being killed. Hold on to their arm to illustrate their deadness. If someone shoots you, say, “Chill the @#$#% out! I’m going to Delirium with this person I just killed!”

 

Q: I’ve been killed! What happens now?

A: Buy your killer a drink. Either a tasty alcoholic beverage or a madness-inducing energy drink, so long as it destroys their liver, kidneys, and higher mental functions. Their call. Drinks must be bought at Delirium, and once there, Monica or Maer will log your death.

 

Q: It sucks being dead!

A: Again, that’s not technically a question, but I understand your frustration. Just chill. Sooner or later Monica will resurrect you as a rogue assassin, and send you beck out into the world.

 

Q: I’m a rogue assassin, sent out to kill someone. How does this work?

A: You’re job is to kill people, specifically the people Monica sends you after. You can only kill the person you’re sent after. When killing, you must yell “COBRA!!!” at the top of your lungs. This lets people within yelling distance know there’s a maximum amount of ass-kicking going on, and causes MAXIMUM FEAR.

 

Q: But why “COBRA?”

A: Because COBRA kicks ass. You want to kick ass, no?

 

Q: A rogue assassin is chasing me, and I wasn’t cheating! Why?

A: Rogue assassins aren’t only sent out after cheaters. They may be sent out for any reason that flits through Monica’s mind, such as: you’re playing too well, you’re hiding for inordinate periods of time, someone expressed extreme interest in seeing you dead, or Monica spilled beer on herself and she wanted to lash out at someone. If a person comes at you screaming “COBRA,” run- because rogue assassins are unkillable.

 

Q: So I’m pretty much fucked?

A: Yep. Pretty much.

 

Q: Someone is taking the whole game way too seriously and is killing everyone! Can you get them to chill the fuck out?

A: I have to first remind you of the age-old adage “War is hell.” Keep in mind that assassin has a built-in failsafe: each kill requires the killer to drink. Anyone dominating the game will quickly be far too drunk to properly defend themselves, and you will very soon be able to walk up to them, shoot them in the face, and steal their drink money. 

 

Q: What happens when the game is over?

A: After the first round, everyone will meet at Delirium for cake and drinks and such. It will be quite nice, really, until round two, when you will once again adopt paranoia as a defense mechanism. There will be free barbeque available at Delirium. Don’t forget to tip your bartender, and remember- you get what you pay for when it comes to free meat. Any reported cases of mad cow disease will be considered “tattling”, and assassins will be dispatched.