Chapter 1
Jimmy stood in his dressing room, reading his script intently, while half paying attention to buttoning up his suit jacket. His palms were unusually sweaty. He always became a little nervous before Weekend Update, but this was a record. This wasn’t just any ordinary show. This was the show that could change everything.
Jimmy felt a sudden surge of nausea as he practiced his drunk segment. It was kind of one of those “this is your brain”/”this is your brain on drugs” things. Except, it was “this is Jimmy Fallon”/”this is Jimmy Fallon piss drunk”. Jimmy had suggested it the night before, while writing Weekend Update with Tina. He’d written in one line in particular that he didn’t want to be a joke: “I love you, Tina.”
It seemed that Tina had know idea how Jimmy pined over her. Then again, he’d never really had enough courage to say anything. It took every ounce of acting talent in Jim to hide how deeply he was crushed when Tina wed Jeff. He jumped slightly at the sound of knocking on his door.
“Jim?” Tina’s tiny figure appeared in his doorway. “Ready to go partner?”
“Uh, yeah...” Jimmy set his script on his table and started out the door.
“Whoa, you’re not going out there like THAT are you?”
“Wh-...what?” Tina pointed to his jacket. It was buttoned crookedly. Jimmy laughed and straightened it out.
“You’re on in 2!” a stage director announced. Jim and Tina double-timed it to the Weekend Update desk. They sat down just in time to hear Amy’s voice: “From studio 8h in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon...and Tina Fey.”
Jimmy looked into the camera as the studio was filled with applause. “I’m Jimmy Fallon.”
“And I’m Tina Fey...and here are tonight’s top stories.”
Chapter 2
Tina adjust her glasses slightly and continued, “Now it’s time for a new segment that we like to call ‘What Jimmy Fallon Is Like When He’s Piss Drunk.”
“That’s right. We are going to give you a glimpse of just how my Irish heritage has screwed me up.” Jimmy loved the feeling of satisfaction that came with the audience’s laughter.
“This is not just entertainment, folks. This is a public service announcement. This is what alcohol can do to you...if you’re Irish. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jimmy Fallon.” Jimmy waved and the audience chuckled, not quite sure where the joke was leading. “This,” Tina emphasized as Jimmy pulled out a glass of amber colored liquid and loosened his tie, “Is Jimmy Fallon when he’s piss drunk.”
Jimmy took a gulp of his drink and then jumped up onto the desk. He started to unbutton his shirt, while he sang “I’m too sexy” at the top of his lungs. The audience went wild, and the studio was filled with laughter and the screams of women (and men) of all ages. Tina rolled her eyes and tried to get him to stop.
“Jim...Jimmy! Oh God...” she laughed, as she put her head in her hands. Finally, Jimmy hopped off the desk and sat back down extremely close to Tina. “Oh no...” Tina groaned.
“How you doing?” Jimmy “spilled” his drink all over himself and started rubbing his hands all over his chest. “Oh! You know you want some of this!”
“Get away!” Tina joked. Jimmy then ran towards the audience, kissing random girls on the cheek, and mouthing “call me’’. After a moment of pure pandemonium, Jimmy took his seat and finished his lines.
“C’mon...the Jimmy’ll show you a good time.” Jimmy’s face suddenly became serious, causing the audience to lose it. He began to sing, “Love me, love me, say that you love me...need me, need me, go on and tease me...So I cry and I beg for you to love me....Tina, I love you.”
“Oh man! For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.”
“And I’m Jimmy Fallon,” said Jim as he smiled and fixed his tie. He whispered, “I’m not really...”, then motioned drinking out of a bottle.
“Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.” She couldn’t help but giggle as Jimmy playfully attacked her, trying to give her a kiss.
“C’mon!” he pleaded, as the camera slowly zoomed out. Finally, his lips managed to find hers and they lingered there for a second too long. Tina pulled away, flashed Jimmy a look of confusion...and what could be mistaken for disgust, then slowly got up and walked away.
Chapter 3
Jimmy jogged down the hallway of dressing rooms and stopped in front of Tina’s. He knocked and waited a couple of minutes for her to answer. She opened the door and exhaled rather loudly, raising her eyebrow as she looked at him.
“Uh...Tina,” Jimmy stuttered; “I...back there...that...was an accident.” He was lying through his teeth. “I know I got a little carried away, and I’m sorry.”
“Whatever. Just forget about it, Jimmy.” Jim didn’t want to forget how amazing it felt to kiss her, but she was obviously upset, so he was forced to concede.
“Yeah...” Tina initiated a hug to show that there were no hard feelings. Jimmy subtly breathed in her scent: a mix of perfume and hairspray. He longed to be able to sleep with this intoxicating aroma next to him every night, in the form of this beautiful woman. Tina felt a wave of peace and comfort blanket her, but quickly dismissed it by pulling away. They both had a slightly sickening feeling that things would change between them.
[At the after party]
Jim tried to have fun and relax, but all he could think about was Tina. He watched her sitting comfortably next to her husband. Jimmy hated that word. It was so final and forbidding. No matter how much he loved Tina, nothing could ever happen between them. After a few moments, his emotions overwhelmed him, and he took refuge at the bar.
“You know you want some of this,” Tina mocked as she walked up next to Jim. “Can I get another Smirnoff?”
“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”
“Well, it’ll be hard to forget. I mean, your fans will be talking about it for weeks. And, hopefully, that little um...incident at the end didn’t get on air. I wouldn’t want any rumors to start flying.”
“Ah, I don’t care.” Jimmy took a swig of his beer and looked up at the ceiling. “Has Jeff said anything?”
“Nah. I don’t think he saw. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Let’s just try to forget it, okay?”
“I can’t...” Jim looked down at the counter; “It meant too much.” Tina walked back over to her table, pretending that she hadn’t heard that last comment.
Chapter 4
The entire next week of work was a little awkward. Jimmy tried to swallow his feelings for the sake of his professional relationship with Tina, but he just couldn’t forget the kiss. Tina saw Jim’s strange behavior, but refused to believe that it had anything to do with the events of the previous Saturday.
Finally, Friday rolled around, and it was time to put Weekend Update together. The two sat in one of the offices, circling stories in the newspaper and cracking jokes about a few headlines. The comfortable, cheery mood of the conversation quickly changed, when Tina pointed out the Milestones page.
“Aw, listen to this. ‘Able and Marcy Bankes of Brooklyn, New York, celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary on April 6th. The two were high school sweethearts and ran off to get married immediately after graduation, in 1924. May they have 60 more wonderful years.’ How sweet is that? 60 years!”
“Yeah, they must really love each other,” Jimmy said softly, looking into Tina’s brown eyes. Time almost seemed to stop for a moment. Tina gulped, rather loudly, and quickly returned her attention to the newspaper.
“Uh, I think we should take a break, Jim. I need some coffee.” She got up and hastily left the room. Jim slammed his head against the desk and muttered, “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
He knew he really had no right to tell Tina how he felt, but every time he was with her his feelings overwhelmed him. ‘I have to do it,’ he thought. ‘But how?’ He spotted a notepad and immediately grabbed it. He was going to write her a letter.
[10 minutes later]
Jimmy didn’t sign his name. He folded the paper, walked into Tina’s dressing room, and layed it on her vanity. He ran back to his room, retrieved a rose from the bouquet that he’d received from a fan earlier that night, then placed it next to the letter. Jim took a deep breath, then joined the rest of the cast in Hugh Fink’s office.
Chapter 5
Tina flicked on the light in her dressing room. She was the last one left in the studio. Weekend Update had been completed and rehearsed. All of the sketches were ready, everyone had their lines down, and all that was left was waiting. She walked over to her couch to get her purse. As she took one last look around to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything, she spotted a letter sitting on the mirror-dresser.
“Dear Tina,” she read quietly; “I have a confession to make. I do not regret that kiss. Working beside you for so long has allowed me to discover who you truly are: a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t remember when I fell in love with you, though I wish I did. That is a moment that I want to keep with me forever. Just like the kiss. I know that you are married, and that you probably don’t feel the same way towards me as I do you. Every time I am around you, I feel like I can do anything. You make me so much better and stronger. I’d give anything to have you. Jeff is the luckiest guy in the world. I wish I’d had enough courage to say this to you in person, but I guess I’m just afraid.” She didn’t finish the letter. She could hardly breathe, let alone read.
“Oh, Jim...” she whispered. She’d recognized the handwriting. She picked up the rose and sank down into her chair. How had she let this happen? She’d never thought that Jim would ever fall for her. She knew she had to tell him the truth, but that would mean breaking his heart. She loved him too much to do that to him. Love. It hit her. She loved Jimmy almost as much as he loved her. For on instant she wished that she’d never married, and that she could confess everything to Jim.
As Tina drove home, she contemplated whether or not to tell Jimmy how she felt. On one hand, everything would be out in the open, and they could just agree to forget about it. On the other hand, Jimmy might take it as an invitation. And on a third hand, they could keep it a secret. Tina slammed on the breaks. She’d just considered having an affair. ‘No,’ she thought. ‘I have to break Jim’s heart. I have to get him to hate me.’
She continued on down 49th, but instead of going home...she found herself heading towards Jimmy.
Chapter 6
Jimmy sat on his couch, so close to falling asleep, as he listened to the intro to “Waiting Room” by No Doubt. He heard the familiar buzz of his doorbell, and trudged over to the door. A rush of excitement went through his body when he saw Tina through the peephole. Tina laughed when she heard the sound of nervous fumbling with the locks coming from inside the apartment. The door swung up, and Jimmy stood there with his hand on his hip, trying to look calm and collected.
“H-hey, Tina.”
“Hello. Uh, you weren’t asleep were you?”
“Oh, no. Of course not. It’s only,” Jimmy glanced at his wrist, discovered that he’d taken his watch off, then looked every which way for his clock, finally saying, “4:30. I usually don’t hit the hay until at least 6:00.”
“Oh, right. How could I have forgotten?”
“Oh! Uh, sorry. Come in, please. Sit down.” Tina walked in and took a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter. “Do you want anything to drink? I have beer...kool-aid...water...beer.”
“I’m fine. I actually just came over here to talk to you.”
“Oh.” Jim knew that Tina had read the letter, and now, she was going to kill him. “Okay. What about?”
“I think you know...” Tina gave him an endearing look. “Jim, I’m flattered. I really am. But, you have to understand that having a crush on me is okay. However, telling me that you love me isn’t. We’re strictly co-workers. We do Weekend Update together. That’s all. And you’re right. I don’t feel the same way about you. You’re like my brother.” She felt sick. She was hurting him deeply.
Jim felt himself become warm with embarrassment. He turned away and took a deep breath. ‘You made a mistake,’ he thought. ‘It’s no big deal.’ “That’s cool,” he said to Tina, his words barely audible. “I don’t know what I was expecting...” he trailed off. “I just had this little flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, you had a crush on me, too.” He laughed almost bitterly. “I guess I just took having dreams come true for granted.”
Tears were welling up in Jimmy’s eyes, so he quickly distanced himself from Tina. He wasn’t about to let her see him cry. Little did he know that Tina was on the verge of tears herself. He heard the song change to “Rock Steady”. “I’m...I’m just going to go, Jim. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“All right,” Jim choked. He nearly lost it when he heard Tina open the door. He waited for the thud indicating that it had been shut. It never came. Instead, he found Tina’s arms around him. They sat on the couch, holding onto each other. After a few moments of silence and pondering, Jim took a chance and put his lips to hers, as the music continued. “Love is like a punishment...”
Chapter 7
‘This can’t be real,’ thought Jim. ‘Is she kissing me back?’ He was confused. Just a moment ago, Tina had told him that he was like her brother. Jim pulled away, looking at Tina with a furrowed brow.
Tina sighed. “I have also have a confession to make. Everything I said to you 3 minutes ago...it’s all crap. I’m sorry if I hurt you. Jim, I do love you. I wish that we could make this work. But, it just can’t.”
“Not even for one night?” Jimmy couldn’t believe he was trying to get Tina to cheat on her husband.
“I could never forgive myself.”
“And I’d feel horrible for making it so you couldn’t forgive yourself.”
“Now that we both know the truth, we’re going to have to forget. Jim, you have to move on.”
“Tina, it’s not that easy!” Jim bolted up off the couch. “I’ve spent like one and a half years of my life languishing over you! I’m not just going to give it all up.”
“All right, fine. You don’t have to. But I will, because I have to. I have a responbility, Jim: my marraige. I can’t throw it all away and break Jeff’s heart just for you. I love you. But I have to accept that my desires don’t matter in the real world. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should never have exposed my feelings. I’ve done nothing but screw everything up. You’re right. We should forget about this. In fact, I’m going to go out right now, find a girl, and get laid. Maybe I’ll fall in love with HER and forget about you.” Jim ran his hands through his hair.
“There’s no need to get angry over this, Jim.” Tina rubbed his shoulders, gently. He couldn’t stay upset. Just looking at her put him at peace. “Now, I really have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow. Everything is okay, I promise. Goodnight, Jimmy.”
Jim leaned down and kissed Tina one last time. He watched her walk out the door and close it behind her. He turned off the stereo and retired to bed. He lay awake for a while longer. Finally, he fell asleep just as the morning hit the sun.
