Chapter 21
"For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon."
"And I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow," Tina said, a lump in her throat. She reached under the desk and squeezed Jimmy’s hand.
"You okay?" Jimmy said as the two of them left the stage. They had just completed the first Update of the season, and it was an extremely emotional one for Tina. She had had extra stress placed on her in the past few weeks, first with the postponement of the season premiere, then with trying to write jokes that would be appropriate after the national tragedy.
She sighed. "Yeah, I’m fine. I think it went over well."
"Of course it did; you were great. I’m really proud of you," Jimmy said and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
"Yeah, it was a rough couple of weeks. I’m wucky I have my wittle Jimmy Bear to help me through it, though," she said in a baby voice.
"Sh! Don’t say that so loud!" Jimmy giggled.
"Oh, you want some privacy, cowboy?" Tina grabbed Jimmy’s hands and led him down the hall to her office.
"Tina, what are you doing?” he whispered through his laughter as she turned and locked the door.
"You’re gonna help me cheer up." She grabbed the collar of his jacket and pulled him to her.
"We can’t do this..."
"Hey, who’s the boss around here?" she giggled and pressed her lips to his. Jimmy was easily convinced and started working on the buttons of her blouse. "You’re not in any more sketches tonight, are you?" Tina breathed in his ear.
"Nope." He threw off his jacket and began to direct her over toward her desk.
"Good. Let’s see what you can do in 45 minutes." She laughed and tossed her blouse on the floor, then pushed all the papers off her desk with a swoop of her arm.
"Man, I’ve always wanted a chick to do that for me!" He pulled his shirt over his head. She sat on the desk and wrapped her legs around his waist. Jimmy leaned in for a kiss and Tina threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer. Together they laid back onto the desk.
Chapter 22
"You’re such a stud," Tina said as she buttoned up her shirt.
"That’s what all the ladies tell me," Jimmy joked and shrugged his jacket back on.
"Perv!"
"You ah!" Jimmy pulled her in for a kiss just as they heard a knock on the door. Jimmy checked his watch on his way to the door. "Shit, we gotta get out there! They probably just went to the last commercial." He opened the door to see Seth.
"Dude, what are you doing? Get your ass on stage! Wait...this is Tina’s office..." A look of confusion spread over his [utterly adorable] face.
"We’ll talk later." Jimmy patted Seth on the back and grabbed Tina’s hand. "Let’s go."
The three of them jogged onto the stage right as the "on air" lights came on. Jimmy led Tina over to stage left, where he began his trademark jumping as Reese Witherspoon said her thanks. He put his arm around Tina and waved to the audience, but stopped short when he recognized one of the faces in the crowd. He knew one of the cameras was on his face when his smile faded and he mouthed the word, "Fuck."
"Jim? What’s wrong?" Tina asked.
All Jimmy could do was nod his head toward the third seat in from the aisle in the fourth row. Waving back at the cast with a huge smile on her face was Natasha.
Chapter 23
"Jimmy, we need to talk."
"No, we don’t. And how the hell did you get back here?" Jimmy had left the stage with Tina before the rest of the cast, only to find Natasha waiting at his dressing room door.
"I flirted with one of the guards. And it’s not like I’ve never been here before..."
"Jimmy, please tell me what the fuck is going on here," Tina demanded.
"I don’t think this is any of your business, Gina. I need to talk to my boyfriend," Natasha said and took Jimmy’s arm.
"My name is Tina,” Tina replied through clenched teeth. "And I believe Jimmy is MY boyfriend."
Jimmy shook his arm from Natasha’s grasp. "Yes, Natasha, she’s right. Tina and I have been dating for about 9 months, and—"
"Just let me talk to him for five minutes. That’s all I need," Natasha said to Tina.
"You know what? Fine. Talk all you want. I don’t have anything to worry about."
"You sure, Tina?" Jimmy asked warily.
"Yeah, go ahead. I’ll be in my office," she muttered and stomped down the hall.
"Good, we got her out of the way," Natasha said and led Jimmy into his dressing room and locked the door.
"Okay, number one: What the fuck are you doing here? Number two: I love Tina. I don’t love you, and I never did."
"Jimmy, I came back to you! Why aren’t you happy?"
"Why am I not happy?! Gee, maybe because you completely ruined two years of my life!" Jimmy began pacing the length of the room. "Why can’t you understand that we were never even a couple?" His anger continued to rise. "What universe are you living in, exactly?"
"Please don’t yell at me," she whispered.
"I’m not yelling!" He lowered his voice when he realized its volume. "I’m not yelling. You just really, really frustrate me, Natasha. I wasn’t happy with you. I’m happy with Tina. You need to move on."
Her eyes welled up with tears. "Jimmy, I’m clean."
"What?"
"I’m sober. I went to a program. For you. I thought that if I wasn’t using, we could give it another shot."
"Holy shit. You’re clean? I mean, congratulations. But why for me?" Jimmy sat down on the couch and motioned for Natasha to do the same.
"You were the only one who knew what I was doing was wrong. You always told me I was only hurting myself, and I finally realized you were right. I wanted to get better, because of you."
Jimmy couldn’t meet her eyes. He knew what was happening: she wanted him back. She was pulling him back in, but this time she was sober. Would it be different? He shook his head. What about Tina?
"Jim, what do you say? Can we try again?" She looked at him and he blinked.
"I don’t know. I-I think I need some time. I’ll call you soon, okay?" He stood and followed her to the door. "C’mere," he muttered, and gave her a hug. "I’m glad you’re okay," he whispered in her ear.
"Thanks. See you later," Natasha whispered and headed down the hall.
Jimmy sighed and ran his hands through his hair, leaning against the threshold of his dressing room door. He turned to face the other end of the hall, preparing to go to Tina’s office, but she was already out in the hall. He smiled at her, but she shook her head, and he could see tears glistening in her eyes. "Oh shit," he said. She had seen him hug Natasha. "Tina!" he called. "You don’t understand!" He ran down toward her, but her door slammed and the lock clicked before he could catch her. He leaned his forehead against the door. "Tina?" he said quietly. No answer. He clenched his fist, ready to knock, but instead just pressed his palm against the door and swallowed the lump in his throat.
Chapter 24
"Tina, it’s me again. I really need to talk to you. I love you; call me." Jimmy slammed the phone onto the receiver. It was Sunday, and his fourth time calling Tina. All four times he had been met with her answering machine, and he deserved it. "How could I even think about getting back with Natasha?" he muttered aloud. "I love Tina. I don’t care if Natasha is sober or not. God, why the hell did I have to give her a hug?"
The phone rang and Jimmy leapt to the other end of the couch to answer it. "Hello?" he said eagerly.
"Hey, it’s me," Tina said meekly.
"Oh my God, Tina please let me explain this to you. Natasha wants to get back together, but I don-"
"Spare me, Jim; I don’t want to hear it. I don’t know why I let her talk to you. I should have known you’d go crawling back into her bony, anorexic arms. So what if she’s prettier than me?" Tina’s voice rose. "Jimmy, we’re GOOD for each other, don’t you realize that?"
"Of course I do. That’s why I told Natasha—"
Tina continued, not letting Jimmy respond. "I don’t even know why I returned your calls. I shouldn’t be speaking to you right now. You obviously don’t love me anymore."
"Okay, hold up. I love you. You know that. I don’t love her."
"Then why are you getting back together with her?"
Jimmy could hear the tears in Tina’s voice, but all he could feel was frustration. "If you’d let me speak, I would tell you that we’re not—"
"Okay, you don’t have to yell. You know what? Screw this. Bye."
"Tina, no! Wait!" Jimmy screamed to the dial tone. "Shit," he said and returned the phone to its cradle. "What am I gonna do now?"
Chapter 25
Jimmy was miserable the next week as he prepared for the Seann William Scott show. Tina had simply handed him a list of jokes for Update, telling him not to mess up his lines. Luckily, Jimmy kept busy, as he had both Jarret’s Room and Jeffrey’s to prepare for, but he had little life to put into his performances in rehearsals. The entire cast knew something was wrong between Jimmy and Tina, but neither of them would say a word.
"Hey Jimmy?" Seth knocked on Jimmy’s open dressing room door and peered in. "I got a question about Jarret’s Room."
"Sure, come on in," Jimmy mumbled from the couch and motioned for Seth to sit down.
"Okay, so you know how I’m your house DJ?"
"Yeah..."
"What if I had a British accent?"
"And...?"
"Well, my brother went to college with this girl who was from New Jersey, but she always spoke with a Southern accent. So he’d say to her, ‘Nice accent. New Jersey?’ You know, like from Dumb and Dumber?" Seth was so excited, Jimmy couldn’t help but smile at him.
"So you want to be from Texas? I don’t get it."
"No, I’ll be from New Jersey, but I have a British accent! And it’s funny, 'cause I’m not really from England...Dude, are you okay? Or does my idea just suck?"
"No, no, man. It’ll totally be funny. Just run it by..." He paused. "...Tina."
"Okay, thanks man." Seth got up to leave, but turned back to Jimmy when he reached the door. "Are you sure you’re okay? I know we don’t know each other that well yet, but if you want to talk to me, I’ll listen."
"It’s just...women troubles, bro. You know how it is."
"Oh shit, you and Tina are fighting?" Seth closed the door and sat back down.
"Worse. I think she hates me, but she won’t let me talk to her."
"What happened?"
"Basically, my ex-pseudo-girlfriend came to the show last week and told me she stopped using, so I was happy for her, but she wanted to get back together, so I told her I’d think about it, but I really wasn’t going to think, I just needed to talk to Tina, then Tina saw me give her a hug in the hallway and now she wants nothing to do with me." Jimmy stared down at his hands.
"Jesus. That’s rough, dude." Seth patted him on the back. "You guys gotta get back together. It’ll kill the show if you’re fighting."
"I know, and I need her back. Look at me, I’m a mess!"
"You know what you have to do, don’t you?"
"Uh, no...that’s why I’m sitting here wallowing in self-pity."
"Well, I heard the story of how you two got together in the first place."
"Oh, the carols thing?"
"Yeah. So that’s what you do to get her back. Sing to her. On live television."
"I don’t know man..." Jimmy looked at Seth incredulously. "You think so?"
"It’ll work. Trust me. See, that’s your thing. You get out your guitar, you sing some silly songs, and you get all the chicks." Seth got up to leave again. "Maybe I should get you to teach me a few chords. All I do is tell girls they’re wicked awesome, and that hasn’t worked yet..." He continued muttering as he walked out the door.
"Thanks, man!" Jimmy called after him. "That just might work..." he said to himself, then gathered his things to go home.
Chapter 26
"Fuck. I just can’t do this." It was Friday night and Jimmy had been trying to figure out how to play "God Only Knows" with only an acoustic guitar for the past four days. "I’d need four other guys for this to sound decent. I wonder if Lorne could get the Beach Boys to make an appearance...Nah." He laughed at the thought of it. "Maybe I just need to take a break." He set his guitar on the couch and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels mindlessly, his thoughts still on the song. If he couldn’t do their song, what would he do? How could he make Tina change her mind? He was convinced that singing was the way to go: Seth had a point; it was how their relationship had started. He had to do it. On Saturday. During Weekend Update. On live television. "No pressure," Jimmy muttered in response to his thoughts. He continued clicking, finally stopping when he reached a channel that was playing "The Wedding Singer."
"Hm. Tina’s favorite movie. How appropriate," he said. "Oh well, Sandler usually cheers me up." He settled into his position on the couch and his eyes immediately began to close. He drifted off to sleep just as Billy Idol was making his announcement on the airplane sound system.
"Good afternoon, everyone. We are flying at 26,000 feet and moving up to 30,000 feet, and we’ve got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now we’re bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers, and since we let our first class passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is."
Chapter 27
"Hey, good luck, man," Seth said as he passed Jimmy in the hall.
"Thanks!" Jimmy called as he jogged toward the stage, fixing his tie. "Don’t miss your cue!"
"Hey," Tina muttered when Jimmy sat in his chair.
"Hey," Jimmy replied. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I’m gonna disappear at the end and the Update doorbell is gonna ring. Just start your shark joke and go with it."
"Wait, what?" Tina exclaimed just as Amy Poehler’s voice-over announced the beginning of Update.
"I’m Jimmy Fallon!"
"A-and I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories." Tina tried her best to hide the look of confusion on her face as she delivered the first joke. All Jimmy would do was smile at her. She’d get her answer eventually.
"Stevie Wonder is being sued for over $40 million by an ex-girlfriend who claims the singer agreed to support her after he gave her genital herpes. In response, Stevie said, 'I have never seen that woman before in my life.'" As soon as the camera was on Tina, Jimmy bolted to the other side of the stage and Seth slid into his place.
Tina looked at Seth incredulously, but knew she had to continue. "Even with summer officially over, the recent wave of shark attacks has not yet ceased. Officials warn that sharks--" A doorbell rang and Tina looked around her.
"Tina, I think there’s somebody at the Update door. I’ll get it," Seth said. "Oh look! It’s our old friend, Jimmy Fallon!"
Jimmy stepped through the door, guitar in hand, and resumed his seat next to Tina. He had shed his Update jacket for his more familiar long-sleeved t-shirt. "Okay, folks, as you may know, Tina and I have been dating for several months now. I love her very much, and I’m going to sing a song for her right now, if you don’t mind." A chorus of 'awws' ran through the audience and Jimmy spun his chair around to face Tina.
"What are you doing?" she whispered, her eyes wide.
"You’ll see." Jimmy winked and began singing.
"I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you
I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice growing old with you
I’ll miss you, kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you, feed you
Even let you hold the remote control
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you.
Chapter 28
"That was beautiful, Jim," Tina whispered, her hands covering her mouth with astonishment.
Jimmy handed his guitar to Seth and took Tina’s hands. "Tina, I love you so much. You made every word in every cheesy love song come true for me. These past nine months have been the best times of my life, and I never want it to stop." He paused to clear his throat and slowly bent to one knee. He took a small blue box from his pocket and looked back into Tina’s eyes. The sparkle was back, and it was still for him. "God only knows what I’d be without you, Tina Fey. Will you marry me?"
"Oh my God..." she muttered, staring at the ring.
Jimmy swallowed hard, searching Tina’s eyes for her answer. "Well?" he said nervously.
She immediately let out an explosion of laughter and tears. "Of course! Of course I’ll marry you!" she exclaimed. Jimmy quickly slid the ring on her finger and they both stood up in an embrace.
Over the cheers of the crowd, Seth yelled, "For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers, that’s Jimmy Fallon, and--"
"And I’m the future Mrs. Tina Fallon!" Tina interrupted.
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!" they all screamed in unison.
Epilogue
[this part is a joke, lol]
Natasha watched the proposal show from the rehab center and immediately went out on the streets to get a hit. She is currently residing somewhere in California with her drug dealer boyfriend, looking emaciated as ever. She hasn't worked in a year.
Seth hooked up with a hot younger girl named Shannon at the after party that night. They had wild sex, and will be married next August.
Chris Kattan may or may not be gay.
...And we all know that Tina and Jimmy lived happily ever after for ever and ever. They moved into a (non-studio) apartment in NYC and had lots and lots of sex. They were married the Sunday after the season finale, and Honeymooned (is that a word) in...um...Hawaii, cause I can't think of anyplace more interesting. They had two children, Lindsay and Tommy (just because I love those names), and they were the happiest family you could ever imagine.
