Have fun
reading these rpt tips.
A lot of it
applies here in DU-land.
This is from the September, 2005 issue of the
Amateur Telecommunications Society ‘newsletter, “Solid Copy”.
Note: This “Rusty Bumpers” column is from the May 1993 issue of
Solid Copy. Most of the examples used by “Rusty” have happened
on the 146.88 repeater exactly as written, although some of the items
are exaggerated slightly for humor. (Step 35 was written before the
1993 “no business” rule change.) Just to illustrate that good things
never change, we hereby present you with a RATS classic ...
HOW TO SOUND LIKE A LID
by Rusty Bumpers, N4LID
On two meters lately, I have noticed a tendency of people
making a concerted effort to sound like a LID (i.e. poor
operator). Since this appears to be the new style in amateur
radio, I thought I would present this handy guide to radio
nerd-dom. The following is what I call: “How to sound like a
LID in one easy lesson.”
1) Use as many Q-signals as possible. Yes, I know they were
invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for twometer
FM, but they’re fun and entertaining. They keep people
guessing as to what you really meant. i.e. “I’m going to QSY
to the kitchen.” Can you really change frequency to the
kitchen? QSL used to mean “I am acknowledging receipt,”
but now it appears to mean “yes” or “OK.” I guess I missed
it when the ARRL changed the meaning.
2) Never laugh, when you can say “hi hi.” No one will ever
know you aren’t a long time CW ragchewer if you don’t tell
them. They’ll think you’ve been on since the days of Marconi.
3) Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like
“destinated” and “negatory.” It’s OK to make up your own
words here. “Yeah Bill, I pheelbart zaphonix occasionally
myself.”
4) Always say “XX4XXX (insert your own call) for I.D.”
Anything that creates redundancy is always strongly
encouraged. That’s why we have the Department of
Redundancy Department. (Please note that you can follow
your call with “for identification purposes” instead of “for
I.D.” While taking longer to say, it is worth more LID-points.)
5) The better the copy on two-meter FM, the more you should
phonetically spell your name, especially if it is a short and/
or a common one, i.e. “My name is Al...Alpha
“Jack...Juliett Alpha Charlie Kilo.” If at all possible, make
up unintelligible phonetics. “My name is Bob...Billibong
Oregano Bumperpool.”
6) Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or
has been) in the group, whether they are still there or not.
While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a
wonderful memory test.
7) Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps
people guessing. Use “modulation” when you mean
“deviation” and vice-versa. And even if the two-meter FM
amplifier you’re using is a Class-C type amp, and thus not
biased for linear amplification, be sure to call it your “linear.”
Heck, refer to all FM-style amplifiers as “linears.” You’ll be
king of the “wrong terminology” hill.
8) If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn,
talking as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever
possible, pass it around a few times first. This will discourage
the breaker and, if it is an emergency, will encourage him
to switch to another repeater and not bother you.
9) Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying
to sign out. Never let him get by with a yes or no answer.
Make it a question that will take a long time to answer.
10) The less you know about a subject, the more you should
speculate about it on the air. The amount of time spent on
your speculations should be inversely proportional to your
knowledge of the subject.
11) If someone on the repeater is causing interference, you
should talk about that person at great length, making sure
to comment on at least four out of six of the following: (1)
His mental state; (2) his family; (3) his intelligence, or lack
of same; (4) his sexual preference; (5) his relationship to
small animals; (6) his other methods of self-entertainment.
12) If you hear two amateurs start a conversation on the
repeater, wait until they are 20 seconds into their contact,
and then break in to use the patch. Make sure that it’s only
a simple routine phone call. It’s also very important that
you run the autopatch for the full three minutes. This way,
once the two re-establish contact (if they do at all), they
won’t even remember what they were talking about.
13) You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a
visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure
you break in with your own “alternate route but better way
to get there” version. This is most effective if several other
LID trainees join in, each with a different route. By the time
the amateur wanting directions unscrambles all the street
names whizzing around in his head, he should have mobiled
out of range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to
stick around and help the guy get back out of town later.
14) Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing
others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your
quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every
time they turn on their radio, they’ll move to another
frequency. This way you’ll lighten the load on the repeater,
leaving even more time for you to talk on it.
15) See just how much mobile flutter you can generate by
operating at handheld power levels too far from the repeater.
Engage people in converations when you know they won’t
be able to copy half of what you’re saying. Even when they
say you are uncopyable, continue to string them along by
making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you
can make the other amateur before he finally signs off in
disgust.
16) Give out wacky radio advice. When a newcomer’s signal
is weak into the repeater, tell him he can correct the problem
by adjusting the volume and squelch knobs on his radio.
Or tell people they’re full quieting except for the white noise
on their signal. Or....well, you get the idea.
17) Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel
important using words average people don’t say. Who cares
if it makes you sound like you just fell off of Channel 19 on
the Citizen’s Band? Use phases such as “Roger on that,”
“10-4,” “I’m on the side,” “You’re making the trip,” and
“Negatory on that.”
18) Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you
can make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high
that other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your
floor. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough
that others have to strain to pick your words out from all
the racket.
19) Be as verbose as possible. Never say “yes” when you
can say, “He acquiesced in the affirmative by saying ‘yes’.”
(No kidding, I actually heard that one.)
20) Start every transmission with the word “Roger” or “QSL.”
Sure, you don’t need to acknowledge that you received the
other transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask
for a repeat if you missed something. But consider it your
gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds
that his transmissions are being received.
21) When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say
you’re “listening” or “monitoring” multiple times. I’ve always
found that at least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating
your multiple “listening” IDs every 10 to 15 seconds is even
better. Those people who didn’t want to talk to you will
eventually call you, hoping you’ll go away after you have
finally made a contact.
22) Give out repeater FM signal reports using the HF SSB
R-S system (“You’re 5 by 9 here”). Sure it’s considered
improper for FM operation and you may even confuse some
people, but don’t let that spoil your fun!
23) Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other
station easily on simplex — especially if you can make the
contact on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use
should be inversely proportional to your distance from the
other station.
24) If you and the other station are both within a mile or
two of the repeater you are using, you should always give a
signal report. (“I’m sitting under the repeater and I know
you can see it from there, but you’re full quieting into the
repeater. How about me?”)
25) In the same vein as the previous step, when monitoring
a repeater, you should always give signal reports as if the
repeater didn’t exist. (“Yep, I’m right under the repeater.
You’ve got a whopping signal. You’re S-9 plus 60. That must
be a great rig.”)
26) On repeaters with courtesy tones, you should always
say “over.” Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know
when you have unkeyed, but don’t let that stop you. Say
“over,” “back to you,” or “go ahead.” It serves no useful
purpose, but don’t worry — it’s still fun.
27) Think up interesting and bizarre things to do to tie-up
the repeater. The goal here is not to facilitate
communications, but to entertain all the scanner listeners
out there. Do something original. Try to hum CTCSS (PL)
tones. Sing pager tones. You’re getting the idea.
28) Use the repeater’s autopatch for frivolous routine calls.
While pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them
know you’ll be there in two minutes. Or call your spouse to
complain about the bad day you had at work. After all, the
club has “measured rate” service on their phone line, so
they get charged for each autopatch call. Your endeavor is
to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at
least your membership dues in phone bills. That way you’ll
feel you got your money’s worth.
29) Never say “My name is....”. It makes you sound human.
If at all possible, use one of the following phrases:
A) “The personal here is....” B) “The handle here is....”
Normally, handles are for suitcases, but it’s OK to use them
anyway. Don’t forget, this has worked just fine for CBers
for years.
30) Use 73 and 88 incorrectly. Both are already considered
plural, but add an “‘s” to the end anyway. Say “73’s” or
“88’s.” Who cares if it means “best regardses” and “love and
kisseses.” Better yet, say “seventy thirds.” (By the way, 70
thirds equals about 23.3.)
31) Make people think you have a split personality by
referring to yourself in the plural sense. When you’re in
conversation and are alone at your radio, always say “We’re”
or “We’ve” instead of “I’m” or “I’ve” (i.e. “we’ve been doing
this...”, “we’re doing that...”, “we’re clear”). Everyone knows
you’re by yourself, but when they ask you who is with you,
make up somebody important like Arnold Schwarzenegger
or Bill Clinton.
32) Always attempt to use the higher functions of the
repeater before you have read the directions. Nothing will
work, but you’ll have great fun and get lots of people to give
you advice – maybe even some of those folks from part 10.
33) Test repeater functions repeatedly (that’s why they call
it a repeater). Test your signal strength from the same
location several times every day. Concentrate on testing the
things that really matter, like the number of times the
repeater has been keyed up. That stuff is fun to track. Test
the outside temperature as often as possible. The farther
the temperature goes from the norms, the more often you
should test it.
34) If the repeater is off the air for service, as soon as it’s
turned back on complain about the fact that it was off the
air. Act as though your entire day has been ruined because
the repeater wasn’t available when you wanted to use it.
35) Find ways to get around the “no business” rule on
autopatches. Your plan is to try and fool the repeater control
operators. Invent code words your secretary at work will
understand to disguise any business talk so it sounds like
personal chatter. Or get to be friends with the local Domino’s
Pizza manager. Make it so that when you call him on the
patch and ask him to bring over the “floppy disk” you need,
he shows-up 30 minutes later with a piping hot large
pepperoni and sausage pie. The possibilities are endless....
Just using a few of these easy steps should put you well on
the way to LID-hood. I hope these helpful hints will save
you some time in your quest to sound like the perfect LID.
73, Rusty Bumpers, N4LID
“Rusty Bumpers” was a pen name. The author maintained
his anonymity so he could sit peacefully at club meetings
and avoid the wrath (and breath) of the uninformed. Like Deep
Throat of Watergate fame, his identity will remain anonymous.