The terms self-confidence and self-esteem are often used synonymously by mistake. Self-confidence and self-esteem do overlap, but they are not the same. Self-confidence is defined as "confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, decisions, etc." Self-esteem is a "respect for or a favorable impression of oneself." It is easy to think of examples of people who have self-confidence but not self-esteem. A self-confident person may believe he can overcome any challenge or obstacle, but actually have poor self-esteem and be quite insecure.
According to educational therapist Lawrence J. Greene in 1001 Ways to Improve Your Child's Schoolwork, "The deceptiveness of achievement is chronicled every day in the media, where countless stories describe successful actors, singers, musicians, lawyers, ministers, physicians, accountants, and business executives who self-destruct for seemingly irrational reasons. In virtually every case the aberrant behaviour can be traced to intrinsically flawed self-esteem."
Self-esteem is the sum of a child's feelings about herself. It represents how she values herself as a human being. The foundation of self-esteem is formed by temperament, intelligence, and aptitude. According to Greene, "During the first four years of life additional building blocks are mounted on this foundation. These blocks represent family values, child-rearing practices, life experiences, reasonable and clearly communicated expectations, fair and consistently applied rules, and social relationships." Providing your child with love, security, and appreciation will hold everything together. A child with good self-esteem will have a strong sense of her own competency, worth, and uniqueness.
When a child is physically or emotionally abused, negatively compared with other children, or caused to feel guilt or shame, the development of healthy self-esteem is impossible. A child who does not like himself will go through life feeling like a failure. His bad feelings about himself will lower his motivation, effort, and performance.
In contrast, a child with healthy self-esteem "feels deserving of success," says Greene. "She enjoys challenges, delights in developing her talents, and revels in her accomplishments." A child with low self-esteem will try to avoid challenges. Because she does not understand her worth as a person, she has low expectations of herself.
As mentioned earlier, high achievement does not necessarily equal high self-esteem. It is even possible for achievement to replace self-esteem. "Because achievement can create the illusion of self-esteem," says Greene, "parents must look beneath the surface in attempting to assess their child's true feelings about herself."
A child's self-concept will be shaky if it depends mainly on his ability to achieve, or on the approval of others. Such a child may be completely crushed by a series of perceived failures. A child with good self-confidence and self-esteem will be able to bounce back from setbacks and learn from his mistakes. Even when he is struggling, his positive feelings about himself will remain intact.
You cannot give your child self-esteem. Your child's self-esteem will not "grow in proportion to the attention or presents lavished on her," according to Greene. She will have to earn her self-esteem by solving her own problems, overcoming challenges, and dealing with setbacks and failures. She will earn it with her own hard work and perseverance. She will learn to appreciate herself as she develops her talents and experiences her power.
Some parents think they can make sure their child has good self-esteem if they can shelter or protect her from trials, frustration, uncertainties, and setbacks. Greene says, "The opposite is true. Their continual attempts to make their child happy and to protect her from every potential unpleasantness will most likely undermine her self-esteem." Allowing your child room to grow, make mistakes, deal with defeat, and overcome problems is essential in the development of healthy self-esteem. You cannot bestow self-esteem, but you can help your child develop it by:
According to Greene, "By allowing your child to grapple with a controlled amount of frustration, you're casting a vote of confidence in her." Of course, this doesn't mean you should leave her to deal with a hopeless situation alone. There are certainly times she will need your assistance. You can continue to be concerned and involved while encouraging independence.
Strategies to Promote Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem In School
1. If you believe your child lacks self-esteem and/or self-confidence because of problems he is having at school, talk to his teacher. If he is having difficulty academically, perhaps the teacher can suggest ways to give him opportunities to improve his self-confidence. For example, he could be encouraged to work on projects that will utilize his talents. School achievement is very important in the development of self-confidence.
2. If your child is in junior or senior high school, you may find his teachers are not so supportive of your attempt to improve your child's self-concept. Keep in mind that these teachers are responsible for many more children than are elementary school teachers. Some teachers may be more than willing to help, while others may not be so cooperative. If the teachers you approach seem unsympathetic, you can discuss your concerns with the school counselor, psychologist, or even principal. "Unfortunately," says Greene, issues involving self-esteem and self-confidence are often not addressed adequately at the highschool level." You may want to consider private counseling or educational therapy if you are unable to get cooperation from your child's school.
At Home
1. Create an environment in your home that encourages the development of self-esteem. According to Greene, the ingredients of such a home environment are:
If these ingredients are present in your home, your child will feel more secure, will like and respect herself, and will consider herself to be worthwhile and competent.
2. If your child's poor self-esteem is chronic, she is probably suffering from emotional problems. The reasons for these problems need to be examined in counseling or psychotherapy. According to Greene, "Serious self-esteem deficits will not disappear of their own accord. The child who dislikes herself and feels 'bad' will most likely continue to feel this way throughout her life unless she receives help from a mental health professional." Academic success will not provide her much enjoyment or satisfaction. If you get help for her before her bad feelings become permanent you will give her a brighter future.
Reference:
Greene, Lawrence J. (1991). 1001 Ways to Improve Your Child's Schoolwork. New
York: Dell Publishing.