It may come as a shock to the good and faithful that intelligent, well-meaning Christians have accidently thrown out the virtue of chastity. They didn’t mean to. I think they have simply blended the definition of “chastity” into that of “abstinence”. Somehow good people have bought the idea that abstinence and chastity are one in the same. My faithful friends, they are not! Abstinence pertains to something one avoids; chastity pertains to that which one embraces. Abstaining is what one does; being chaste is what one is. Abstinence in the sexual realm avoids harmful behaviors (i.e. impure thoughts and unmarried sexual expression, including pornography and masturbation), which will forever alter lives; chastity saves the sacred and holy in hopes that one’s life will be forever altered toward the good. Abstinence is a behavior for a time; chastity is a virtue for a lifetime. People tend to think of them together as one big NO. Pope John Paul II enlightens us in Love and Responsibility when he elevates chastity by saying, “Whereas it is above all the ‘yes’ of which certain ‘no’s’ are the consequence.” (p.170)

All people, married or not, are to practice the virtue of chastity which, in short, is the mastery of our passions and the exercise of self-control, so that our passions do not master us and so that we are able to glorify God in our bodies (For a broader definition see CCC 2337-2339). Abstinence does include a bunch of little “no’s” along the way to “yes.” Chastity, while involving some “no’s,” is really a bunch of little “yes’s” along the way to a bigger YES! However, leading a chaste life is difficult these days.

Today’s society is rampant with things that cry “Sexual passion and freedom for all!” Why is that? The answer lies in the book of Genesis, where we find God’s very first commandment to the crown of his creation. Genesis 1:28a states, “And God blessed them, and God said to them. ‘Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it’” (RSV). You see, Satan’s whole goal is to destroy the kingdom by profaning the sacred. Since God’s first commandment was to use the gift of our sexuality to the full, both for bonding and babies, Satan would naturally and immediately go there to do his dirty work, and he has, and we’ve let him.

It does not take a rocket scientist to see Satan’s work in today’s world. It is the practices of abortion, euthanasia, contraception, sterilization, incest and abuse, and the like. It is everywhere from television and the other media, to pornography on the internet and in magazines, to the clothing that is manufactured and advertized for women to wear. Let’s face it. Teenage girls, and some women, are dressing the way hussies on the street corners used to dress in hopes of earning a few bucks. I am amazed at the number of mothers who let their daughters go out of the house looking like prostitutes. I am shocked that so many dads have nothing to say about it. They are men, aren’t they? They do realize that men are wired visually, don’t they? And I am not talking about pagan or unchristian parents here. Some conservative Catholic parents allow this!

The boys are getting just as bad. Go down the mall and you will likely see some Abercrombie employees standing in the store’s doorway with jeans and a tie on. No shirt. Just jeans and a tie. There is also the phenomenon of guys wearing their pants so large that everyone can see their boxers. I don’t know about you, but I do not care to see any man’s underwear! It’s just not that attractive. Just a few years ago we never would have heard a woman comment on a guy’s behind or say something like, “He’s so hot!” Now it is common place. Think about how sad this is. It is demeaning both to the male nature and the feminine nature. What we wear on the outside of our bodies tells people a great deal about who we are on the inside. Both our insides and outsides ought to speak to chastity.

My dear Catholic parents, our goal of dress for ourselves and our children is so people can see WHO we are, not WHAT we are. This does not mean that we have to don clothes from a hundred years ago. It will take a wise shopper with some time on hand, but modest, yet attractive, clothing is out there. We have raised two daughters and are dealing with two teenaged sons, and I know it is worth the effort. Our girls used to beg for certain things, like those ridiculous spandex tank tops, which look remarkably like underwear. I just said, “No dears, you have enough underwear.” Now that our daughters are in college, they seem to have fine judgment in modesty. Not perfect, but good. Their favorite, under-their-breath exclamation when they see a young woman or a young man dressed inappropriately is “Put some clothes on!” They are sad and disgusted that people their ages are dressing so everyone will ogle over their bodies and not see them for who they are.

Dressing decently will lend itself to a wider vision of what our bodies are for. Our kids know that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. They also know that their bodies become living tabernacles for Lord each time they receive the Eucharist in Holy Communion. They know that their bodies are gifts and, as I have always told them, “We don’t want to be unwrapping those gifts before it’s time!” They get a big kick out of that one. And, they know when the right time is. It’s after the “I do” at the altar! The human condition is such that people might not be able to perfectly live this out because of sin, but at least our kids have been told the truth and welcome the chance for the sacrament of reconciliation should they fall. Knowledge is power, don’t you know? Couple knowledge with power and faith formation, and there is a recipe to keep kids out of relationships they are not mature enough to handle.

That is why the longer we can keep our kids out of the dating scene, the better off they will be. The older they are, the more knowledge they have and the clearer the big picture becomes. In our house, we have a rule: No boyfriend-girlfriend relationships in high school. Period. It just isn’t the right time. Exclusive dating and relationships are to prepare one for marriage. Since our children are going to college and are no where near ready for marriage, there is no purpose in dating. Dating in high school is selfish and uncharitable because it lends itself to the bonding of the couple, which is premature, not to mention a sacrifice of chastity on some level.

We do allow our kids to go to special things like homecoming and prom, and we search high a low for a dress that is not too high from the bottom or too low from the top! When one of our daughters showed up at her junior dance, not only did most of the parents comment on how much they liked her dress, so did every single guy in her class! My daughter felt beautiful, and she was! It was a step up the chastity ladder for her.

The other thing that does not lend itself to the growth of chastity is dating in groups. It is nearly as offensive to chastity as single dating. As a former high school teacher and coach, in addition to being a seasoned teen parent, I know that kids tend to pair up in most cases, and if “couple A” is getting “busy” in the back seat, “couple B” is doing one of two things. They either aren’t saying a word, or they too are getting busy! Kids are not good chaperones for one another. If you’re looking for good chaperones, choose good and holy adults.

Now, it is possible that our little darlings will acquire for themselves a boyfriend or girlfriend and not tell us about it, especially if we are of the “absolutely no dating in high school” variety. This relationship could go on for months without our knowing it. Parents sometimes suspect it but don’t want to accuse their kids, or they are unsure of what to do. Here’s my suggestion: Have clear rules and a game plan up front, and let the kids know what it is. Then, if you find out that the rules have been broken, no one is surprised when you turn on the game plan. In other words, it’s a hierarchy on our house, not a democracy.

You see, the goal is to allow kids time enough to mature so that they can see and love the human person for what he is: a unique and unrepeatable gift from God. True love is selfless, not selfish, and most teenage romances are selfish in nature because they are all about self. Teens do not have the foresight or the maturity to see the vocation of another person but, as parents, we can help them see that each young man and young woman belongs first to God. We must encourage our children to see each person as a brother or sister in Christ Jesus. As Christians, our goal should be to present each person without blemish and to put the best interest of that person ahead of our own. By doing this, we love their souls and who they are, not just their bodies and what they can do for us. I often remind our children that we should never be the cause of someone’s loss of purity.

Chastity, I believe, is the pivotal virtue for Christians because if we can master our sexual passions and gifts, which are strong because of the first commandment in Genesis, then the rest will follow. I recommend that parents read any of the following books from my reading list, beginning with The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, particularly nos. 16-25. Once parents have read these books, they can direct their children to do so, as well. Then the way is nicely paved for good, solid, meaningful discussions. Kids want to talk about this. They really do. But if the parents do not take the lead, they will imagine that you are uncomfortable or embarrassed by the topic, and they will not ask. They will keep going to unreliable sources for information, when it is parents who have both the honor and the privilege of guiding their children to chastity.

This article was published in Opus Gloriae, the Michigan Catholic homeschooling journal.