Many times, I’ve been asked by parents just starting out how they should go about teaching their children about chastity. Although I am in no way an expert on this topic, I have studied it quite extensively for nearly 30 years, as a student, high school teacher, coach, and parent of three teens and one preteen. As promoters for the Couple to Couple League (CCL), John and I have had many opportunities to deal with this subject. Through our work over the years with young people, the engaged, and the married, we have seen that unhappiness is always closely linked with the person’s understanding, or lack thereof, of chastity. It is through chastity that we can fulfill God’s plan for us to be gifts for one another in true communion. This article hopes to provide all of us with an opportunity to beef up our own understanding and repertoire on this virtue.

In my opinion, chastity is the most important virtue for a Christian to possess because our very natures as persons are rooted in our sexuality, which can be seen if we go back to Genesis 1:28a: “And God blessed them and said, ‘Be fruitful and multiply.’ ” This is tremendous! God’s very first commandment was to use the gift of our sexuality for His greater good! Man and woman were created by God to love and to be loved. The first love is that God loves us. Any other love is secondary to that first love and must be grounded in that first love. This requires us to have self-control over our selfish natures, which includes gaining self-mastery over our sexual desires for very important reasons. If we are to lead others to live holy lives, we must show people holiness by example. We must show them, by how we behave, that chastity is both beautiful and possible.

For parents just starting out, it is good to realize that chastity is something about which we teach our kids every day, whether we mean to or not. We teach them about chastity by what we wear, what TV shows and commercials we watch, what movies we rent, what literature we allow in our homes, how we react to super market displays of immorality, what jokes we tell, what music we listen to, how we handle indiscretions by our social group, and by how we address immorality in our extended families. The place to begin, therefore, is to examine what message we, as parents, give. We have to be willing to sacrifice some of our adult stuff in order to show our children how to restrain themselves. Our children need to see us going without so that they know self-denial is possible.

Before I go any further, I must add that there are two critical mistakes today’s parents make when talking to their children about sexuality. One mistake is to give them too much scientific information. What they need is a big picture of the meaning of real love, along with strategies on how to avoid or get themselves out of tough situations. When they are with someone they are attracted to, it is not going to matter what the fear factors are or what the body parts are called. What will matter is how they view themselves as gifts meant for one person AFTER the “I do” at the altar. The other mistake many well-intended parents make is to reveal to their children the parents’ own past indiscretions. Parents think that this will teach the children to avoid the errors of their parents but, in reality, all this information does is imprint images in their minds that don’t need to be there, and it also gives the children an excuse to commit the same errors. It burdens kids when we tell them our sins. The honest answer to any questions about your behavior that they have–and they WILL have them—is an honest, unembarrassed “It’s none of your business.” This chastity stuff is not easy, but there are many excellent resources available to parents, which make parenting in chastity easier.

The resources explain Church teaching, which is always rooted in scripture, and give some valuable tools parents can try in their own homes to make sure this subject is fully addressed. As my friend Patsy Conley has often quoted, “We can’t always protect them, so we have to arm them!” We must arm our children with a good understanding of Christ’s teaching in chastity. We have to provide them with strategies on how to handle tough situations. We must take a proactive approach to parenting toward chastity, and the first step is to arm ourselves.

The best way for us parents to ready ourselves, of course, is to get right and stay right with all of the teachings of Christ’s Church. We have to trust that Jesus left His Church to the successors and that the successors know best how to interpret what Christ meant 2,000 years ago. Church teaching in many areas, especially in the virtue of chastity, has never changed! Our understanding of this virtue is key to understanding our mission as a people of God. Obedience to God is essential. We have to strive to be obedient, even when it is difficult, because kids can detect disobedience a mile away–even in their own parents!

To help us on the road to true obedience, I suggest the following books and tapes: The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality by the Pontifical Council for the Family, Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West or his tape “Theology of the Body”, Beyond the Birds and the Bees by Gregory Popcak, Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World by T. G. Morrow, and a tape by Janet Smith, PhD., called “Contraception, Why Not?”. To help us with this issue with our children, I suggest reading the following books for ourselves: Real Love by Mary Beth Bonacci, We’re on a Mission from God also by Bonacci, The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Husband and The ABC’s of Choosing a Good Wife, both by Steve Wood (a champion for the biblical view of courtship), Saved Sex by Molly Kelly, Pure Love and If You Really Loved Me, both by Jason Evert, Did Adam and Eve Have Belly Buttons? by Matthew Pinto, and Josh Harris’ two outstanding books I Kissed Dating Good-by and When Boy Meets Girl. Later on, as discussions with parents have made way for teens to do some reflecting on their own, they can read from the second list. With a good foundation laid by the parents, they are generally happy to do so, and they won’t mind some discussion afterward. In fact, they’ll be thankful for it. It is so important for children to know that the topic of sexuality can be discussed freely with their parents, and that their parents will give them answers and strategies to make them happy for all eternity!

One last thing, which we have found critically important, is to set the rule that this topic is ONLY to be discussed with one’s parents. While nothing is a guarantee, this helps to alleviate the sharing of information among children. It is really important that children understand the protection of another’s purity. This goes for teens, too. Children who are at the age of reason or older can understand and appreciate this once it has been brought to their attention, but they aren’t likely to think of it themselves. One reason children are so eager to share information is that they have been overloaded with it. Children, and even teens, do not need a lot of biological information in order to develop an appreciation for chastity. Facts and figures aren’t going to help them in the heat of the moment. What they do need is sound spiritual direction on what their bodies are for. They have to know that their vocations, whether in marriage or in the celibate life, must strive to reflect the love Christ has for His bride, the Church. A good rule to follow is the battle cry of well-known chastity speaker, Molly Kelly, “What our children need is FORMATION, not information!” As Christians, we all need on-going formation in the virtues. Formation, formation, formation! Remember: Chastity is a virtue to be lived and learned about our whole lives long in order that we may fulfill God’s loving plan for us.

Let us pray each day for our children’s ability to understand and live the virtue of chastity, so that they can be gifts in their vocations. Let us also pray for their future spouses that they will be gifts to our children and be ready to help them live chaste lives.

God bless you all!

This article originally appeared in The Catholic Home Educator. The article has also been published in Family Foundations and FAITH Magazine.