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| The hardest word mommy knows is...good-bye The drive to the hospital took forever, the whole time I kept assuring her and myself that everything would be okay, although I knew in my heart it just couldn't be. We got to the Emergency room--it never occurred to either of us to go strait to labor and delivery. Once I stepped out of the car I felt a gush, and looked down, only to see that I was standing in a pool of my own blood. I managed to walk to the doors, my friend went ahead and found a security guard who took us up to labor and delivery. The nurses once we got there were very rude, yanked my clothes off, I was in a daze. I kept asking for a pill or shot SOMETHING to make it stop. I was crying hysterically and one nurse told me to calm down and to stop it. "You are only having a miscarriage, it's not like you are dying." Were her exact words. If I had the strength to I would have strangled her. A lot of things happened then, most of it was a blur. Different nurses came, at one point a dr came in and told me what I already knew. "You are losing your baby" I wanted to scream but just didn't have a voice. They had given me Demerol I had found out later, and I felt as though I was flying. At one point all I could hear was people walking around in puddles of water. It bothered me so much that I leaned over and looked at the floor, and realized they were walking around in my own blood!! Then all at once I felt the urge to push--and I didn't wait for them to say anything, I just did it. I don't know how many times I pushed, maybe only once. It didn't hurt by that point, I was numb to everything. All I remember was at once instant I felt a burning sensation, and then nothing. I opened my eyes for maybe the third time since going in, only to catch a glimpse of a nurse holding something in her arms. I squeaked out something, she paused and turned to me ever so slightly. "Is that my baby?" I asked. She said "yes" "Can I see?" She just shook her head and left, as she did I caught a glimpse of something, was it a foot? A hand? I'll never know.My strength came back full force and I yelled "Let me see my baby." But they wouldn't answer me. Finally the same nurse came back in, and I begged, and pleaded with her. All she would say is "You don't want to remember him this way, so tiny and unfinished." I gave up. I had nothing left to fight with, and to this day I wish I had. I never again asked to see or hold him. Maybe if I had, they would have relented. I asked later on what happened to his body, and they said "It's been disposed of." That angers me so much! What did they do throw it out with the trash??? I was never given the chance to grieve for my son. I never got to say good-bye, never got to touch his sweet body, or kiss his tiny cheek. Maybe to others he didn't look normal because he was so small, but he is my child, and he would have looked perfect to me!After that I just laid there, I was told that I needed a D & C, but I didn't even care what that was. I woke up later to the sound of babies crying, at first I thought I was dreaming but it was because I was on the delivery floor and babies were being born all around me. I got to that hospital at 4pm on July 13, 1997 delivered my first child, watched them take his lifeless body away, had surgery, and left by 9pm the same night. Trying to Grieve As you can imagine if you've been through anything similar to this the next few weeks were unbearable. A month after losing my baby I attended my best friends baby shower. On September 7, 1997 I was in the delivery room as she brought her beautiful daughter (my goddaughter) into the world. This was less then two months after losing my precious baby. I tried to be supportive but it was so very hard. I began attending a support group, where I was encouraged to talk about my baby, and make him into a person instead of just 'the baby' or 'my miscarriage'. Finally I was allowed to grieve and I did with people who understood my broken heart, for all of them had experienced the same kind of loss.I was also encouraged to name my son. So about 3 months after I lost him he got a name. Gage Alexander Peterson isn't it beautiful? He will always be my first child, he will always hold a special part in my life, and no matter how long it's been I will always remember my little guy. I love you Gage, now, forever, and always. |
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