II - Saying Goodbye

"So Buffy, please try to be clear." Giles removed his glasses and tapped his cheek with the earpiece. "Are you telling me that Angel turned into Spike?"

"No!" Buffy tried not to sigh as she plopped down onto the sofa. "I'm saying that I was there with Angel, and then I was there with Spike."

Giles replaced his spectacles and turned to walk toward the hotel room window. "Forgive me for appearing confused, but it just seems that there are things you aren't telling me."

"Like what?" Buffy knew she sounded defensive, but she wasn't quite sure how much information she should give out. "This was a slayer dream Giles, as in supposed to be confusing and thereby pretty much completely useless." She crossed her arms and looked away, muttering "Stupid slayer dreams."

The couch shifted a little as Xander moved to sit beside her. "Come on Buff. There's got to be more. You came in here all worked up about this and you haven't even explained why. Haven't we all been through enough together by now to just be honest?" He put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "Trust us. Tell us what this is about."

Buffy eyed her friend warily and raised her hand to toy with her necklace. She knew the information would go over like a lead balloon, but Spike was long gone and they'd all moved on, hadn't they? After a moment's contemplation she dropped her hand, decision made. "I told him I loved him."

Giles quirked an eyebrow and turned toward her. Xander dropped his arm and leaned back. "Who?" he asked.

Buffy took a deep breath. "Spike," she told them. "I told Spike I loved him before he died. And I told him in the dream too." She glanced at the men warily.

"I see," Giles said. He exchanged a meaningful look with Xander, who remained surprisingly silent. He turned his attention back to Buffy, "And what do you think this means?"

"I don't know." Buffy stood and began to pace the floor. She stopped in front of her Watcher. "Why do I get these stupid dreams anyway? They never tell me anything until it's too late, like when somebody dies or goes postal. Then everything makes sense!"

"But Buffy, Spike is..." Xander began.

"I know. He's already dead. What's the point?"

"Have you discussed this with Angel?" Giles asked.

"Oh right," Buffy protested. "Like I'm supposed to call him up and say 'Hey Angel, I'm having this dream where I'm killing you again and telling you I love you, except you're really Spike'?" She crossed her arms. "That'll go over well!"

"I see your point," Giles conceded.

Buffy dropped down on the sofa again. "Look, this has to mean something. I mean I've had this dream three nights in a row now. There's something I'm supposed to know or do or something." She raised her eyes to look at her mentor. "Is there anything we can do to find out what this is about?"

Giles paused to think. "Perhaps there is something..." his voice trailed off thoughtfully, "I've heard of certain mystical incantations that can enhance a dream."

"No!" Xander stood. "No spells. No talisman mumbo-jumbo. No hair color changing magical shenanigans. No Native American curses. I always end up on the bad side of these things when they go wrong. We're not going there."

"I'll look through my books," Giles said.

"I'll get Willow," Buffy added. She hurried out, heartened at the prospect of a solution.

***

Buffy placed her last flower on the marker that represented her mother's final resting place. A week earlier she, Dawn and their closest friends had packed up a few necessary possessions and returned to California. It had been months since Sunnydale had collapsed into the Hellmouth and they felt it was time to go back and face their losses before resuming the search for new slayers.

On the night they arrived Buffy had the dream for the first time. She hadn't mentioned it to anyone then, assuming its presence was due to the prospect of visiting this place. Now she was glad to have her friends with her as she prepared to discover what it was really about. She glanced around to take inventory. Willow stood at a marker inscribed with Tara's name. Of course, none of the bodies were actually here, twenty miles from where Sunnydale once stood. They lay lost in the rubble of that town. It had seemed fitting to make a place to honor the ones who had fought so bravely against seemingly impossible odds. They had decided to include their loved ones as well, so of course there was a spot for Tara and for Jenny as well as Joyce. Andrew had even asked for a monument to be made for Jonathan. At least Spike wasn't the only male remembered here. Not that he would have minded.

Buffy looked to her right, where Xander stood at Anya's marker. "Are you about ready to go Xan?"

"In a minute," he murmured thoughtfully.

She caught Willow's gaze and returned her sad smile. The two friends drew together and moved to collect Dawn, who was standing by the stone marked 'Amanda'. "All finished?" she asked her sister.

"For now," Dawn replied. The three girls walked quietly to the car. "I miss Mom," Dawn's voice finally broke the silence.

"I know Dawn," Buffy slipped her arm around her sister's waist. "I do too."

"Dad hasn't even been here, has he?"

"I don't think so."

"Do you ever wonder...?" Dawn broke off, reluctant to finish her thought.

"What?" Buffy urged her to continue, "Please, no more secrets."

"It's just," Dawn chewed on her lower lip uncertainly, "don't you ever think about what our lives would have been like if our father had been more of a -"

"- a father?" Buffy finished the thought. Dawn nodded and Buffy sighed. "All the time."

"I know," Willow added, "Oh, not about the your father part, but about the what if part." She looked back at the spot she had stood a few moments before. "I've got my own pile of regrets," she said wistfully. "I lost out on so much time with Tara because of my own selfishness. I really thought I needed the magic for people to love me."

"None of us are perfect Will," Buffy told her.

"At least you never tried to blow up the world."

"No," Buffy grinned, "just Principal Wood."

Dawn chuckled softly, "He had it coming. He was mean to RJ, remember?"

"I remember," Buffy smiled and tucked her arm through Willow's. "Fun times," she said.

"Fun for you, maybe!" Dawn protested. "I was the one left out, remember? You were the one who got to make with the smoochies."

"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Buffy teased, feeling lighter than she had in months. "C'mon, let's go. We've got a spell to do."

The girls walked to the car.

***

"We had some fun times Anya," Xander whispered softly. "I'm so sorry for how I messed us up." He reached into his shirt pocket and found the hard round object there. He brought it out and looked at it. It was shining in the sunlight, the gold and diamond sparkling in the palm of his hand. "I know you weren't wearing this in the end, but it was always you for me. I never really told you this, but you were my best friend. The things we shared..." He paused as his voice threatened to break. "No one can ever replace you An."

He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't heard Andrew approach. "I think we should sing a song," Andrew mentioned into Xander's ear.

Xander jumped, "Don't sneak up on a guy like that. And I don't sing. At least not without a demonic spell attached."

"I thought a song would be nice," Andrew said, "Something melancholy yet sweet, like 'Crazy'."

"Andrew, that's a love song. A country love song."

Andrew lifted his chin thoughtfully, "Yes, but it seems appropriate to sing since we are feeling lonely and blue and Jonathan used to hum it in the shower."

"I'm not going to sing 'Crazy' with you."

"Just try it. Come on. 'Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so looonnlyyyyyy'."

"Stop it Andrew."

"'I'm crazy for feeling soooo bluuuuuuuuue'."

"Cut it out!"

"Just a little bit Xander?"

"No!"

They walked away, continuing to debate the ditty. Xander didn't notice the absence of the ring, which had fallen from his hand and now lay in the grass beside Anya's memorial.

***

Giles made his way past the markers for the potentials, his hands in his pockets and his brow creased in thought. He'd carried a heavy burden of responsibility over the last few years, yet he still hadn't paid the price that these young girls had. They'd rushed to battle, unaware of the worth and fragility of their young lives. They understood the fight and the threat of death, but had they understood the real cost?

He felt old.

"Giles, are you ready?" he heard Dawn call.

"Right, I'm on my way," he answered as the group began to load up in the cars. As he passed a marker, a glint of light caught his eye. This was Anya's spot. What was shining? He saw a gold band that wasn't completely obscured by the grass. He picked it up and recognized it. This had been her engagement ring. For a time during Willow's infamous 'forget' spell, they had all believed that he had given it to the feisty girl. Ha, the very thought of it. He grinned at the memory, then frowned again as he wondered how it had come to be here. Xander must have dropped it.

He palmed the ring and slid it into the front pocket of his trousers. He'd return it to the boy later, when there weren't so many others around.

He reached his car and slid into the driver's seat. They rode away, not completely sure where their lives would take them next.

Buffy watched her friends. They were her family, really. Some were laughing and some were quiet and thoughtful. She understood each emotion she witnessed. It was good to feel connected again, especially with the losses that weighed on her heart. She wasn't alone.

She laid her head against the leather-covered seat and closed her eyes and fell into a light, dreamless sleep.