Stay Away From Randy!
By: Mommanerd
Summary: Did y’ever wonder what would have happened in if Xander had waited a few more hours before breaking Willow’s Tabula Rasa crystal?
Rating: PG-13
Love to my betas, Spiralleds and Married_n_Mich
***
In a sewer tunnel below the
town of
“Alex, you
all right?”
“I’m fine, Dawn. I’m just hoping there aren’t
anymore of those guys down here.”
“What’s that?” She picked up
something black by his foot. “It looks like some kind of glass thingy.”
“Let me see it.” Glass
thingy was a good description. “Some kind of crystal, I guess. I wonder what
it’s doing down here.”
“We can take it to Mr.
Giles. He might know, being a magic shop owner and all.”
“Good idea,” he said, dropping
the crystal into his pocket. “Remind me, okay?”
She grinned. “I will if I
remember.”
“Yeah, we really need to do
something about that rampaging senility that’s going around.” He squinted into
the murky tunnel. “Where are
Dawn pointed ahead. “I know
they were up there. I didn’t see any vampires, but I was kinda
busy here.”
“Yeah, me too,” he said. “
***
“
Phooey.
“We’re here! Everything’s
okay.”
“Alex killed the vamp. He
was great!” Dawn said proudly.
Yeah,
great.
“We’re all ready to move
on?”
“More than ready,” Alexander
said. He moved up really close and put his arm around her. “Stay close to me,
I’ll keep you safe.”
Phooey again. Coat or no
coat, there was no way this guy was with her. “Hello, hands!” she said, giving
him a shove. Too late,
***
Giles pulled Anya closer and
lifted his head for air. “How long do you think it will be before the others
return?”
“Let’s not waste more time
wondering,” she said. She grabbed his hand and pulled him behind the counter.
***
“Don’t mess with Joan the
Vampire Staker!” Joan announced as she kicked fugly
guy number four in the neck. He fell back and Randy jammed his stake home.
“You’re pretty good with
that thing,” she told him.
“I seem to have had a lot of
practice… with my thing.”
“Oh,
brother.” She rolled her eyes.
“Mr. Sssspike,”
the dude with fish breath approached them. The last two vamps backed him up,
waiting for an attack.
“Spike? His name is Spike?”
“Ssstill
cute, I see. The job offer remains open.”
Joan ignored him. “What do
you want?”
“Same thing I’ve been asssking for,” he said. “My forty
Siamese.”
“We’re talking about kittens
again?” Joan asked. “What do you think he’s done with your kittens?”
“Hey, I don’t care about his
personal peccadilloes; I just want what’s owed me.”
“And what’re you gonna do if
he doesn’t pay up?”
The shark backed up and
laughed. “Ssslayer, you have friends and I have
friends, and if they should happen to meet up in a certain sewer before I have
what I want… let’s just say that one of usss will be
short a few comrades.”
“Now, wait just a minute.”
Randy pushed around her. “If your beef is with me, leave the rest out of it.”
The shark laughed again. “Too late, Mr. Spike. When you have my kittens, you know where
to find me. You have until midnight.”
He turned and left, somehow
disappearing into the shadows. His minions hooted and pointed and ran away
after him.
“So much for your great
plan,” Randy muttered. “It seems that ‘slay her’ refers to you.”
“Do you think your name
really is Spike?”
“Oh, please! And I suppose
you’re really called Muffin.”
Joan shrugged. “It could
happen.”
***
Deep doo-doo, that’s what
this was. Alexander and the three girls
were surrounded by demons. He was going to die.
“Alex.” Dawn moved next to
him, grasping his arm with her icy fingers. “What are we going to do?”
He swallowed hard. That was
a good question.
***
Giles sat up, smoothed his
hair and reached for his shirt. Anya squirmed.
“Where are you going?”
“I thought the others might
be coming back.”
“I don’t hear them.”
“Nor do I.
I wonder if they’ve run into difficulty.”
She sat up and draped her
arms around him. “We could wait a little while and then go look for them. I mean,
nothing’s really going to happen in the next fifteen or twenty minutes, is it?”
He removed his glasses and
dropped his shirt.
***
“So what is the plan now,
Slayer?” He shook his head and the ridges of his face smoothed into his human
features. Rather nice human features, she had to admit, even if he was turning
out to be nothing but trouble.
“Why do I have to be the one
with the plan? You’re the one who got us into this mess!”
“Seems to
me it was your first plan that got us into this bloody mess.”
“Oh, that’s just like you –
shirking all the responsibility.”
“How would you know if this
is just like me?”
He was exasperating. “You
took his kittens! Forty of them. Who does that?”
“You’re going to believe the
guy with the shark head and not me?”
Unbelievable. “I don’t even know you.”
“You seemed to know me just
fine when you were straddling me over there.” The tip of his tongue appeared
between his lips as he waggled his eyebrows at her.
“That wasn’t straddling. I
was trying to kill you.”
“And that’s why you were
using your hips instead of your stake?”
Did he ever quit? “Shut up!
Just shut up and tell me where we’re going to find these kittens we’re looking
for. You must have stashed them somewhere.”
“Have you stopped for a
moment to ask yourself why I’d take someone’s kittens?”
“Have you stopped to ask why
you’re wearing such an ugly suit?”
“Ah, not only is the girl
bossy, she’s a bitch to boot.”
She glowered at him. “Why do
I get the feeling that I hate you?”
He moved up against her,
bending into her face. “And why do I get the feeling that you don’t?”
***
The vampires herded Alex and
company into a cage and secured the door with a large lock. The guy with the
key dropped himself onto a nearby chair and leaned back, watching them intently.
The others moved back up the tunnel and began speaking in low voices. Alex ran
his fingers through his disheveled hair and let out his pent up frustration in
a loud sigh.
“Wow, they didn’t eat us.”
It was
“But why didn’t they eat
us?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I guess
they’re going to use us as bait or something.”
“Do you suppose this means
that Joan and Randy are okay? I mean, otherwise they’d kill us, right?”
She wasn’t dumb. He was glad
he had good taste in girlfriends. “Good point.”
“I wish we had some stuff from
that magic store down here. We could do a spell or something.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Ball of
fire. Poof,
vampire candles.”
“I heard that,” the guy in
the chair said.
***
Giles pulled up his pants.
“I’m concerned, darling. It’s been over an hour.”
“I guess we should look for
them,” she reluctantly agreed.
“I want you to stay here,
safe.”
“That is so sweet!” She
kissed him enthusiastically. “I can clearly understand why I’d commit myself to
a long term relationship with someone who is so much older.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’re very handsome, for a
man in your age group.”
“I’ve rethought this matter,
and perhaps you should come with me.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Oh, now
that hurt! How could you?”
He closed his eyes and
counted to ten. “Dearest, will you please hand me that magic book over there
and gather some of the ingredients on the shelves behind you? I don’t know what
I’ll encounter down there, but it’s best to be prepared.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You’re
getting ready to march off to certain death, and all I can think about is myself. I’ll get your things.”
He sighed. “That would be
helpful.”
“Rupie.” She
looked up at him with her large, doe eyes. “Wouldn’t you rather use the aged
ginger root? It’s on sale.”
***
Joan struggled for something
to say. All thoughts had vanished when Randy had invaded her space. Considering
that he’d been rolling around on the ground in that musty old suit, he smelled
really good.
“Kittens,” he whispered.
“Huh?”
“We need to find kittens.”
“That’s right.” She moved
away from him to give her senses a chance to clear. They were on a kitten hunt.
“Where do we go to find forty Siamese kittens?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Aren’t you the one who lost
them? Where would a vampire stash that many cats?”
He frowned. “I don’t think I
have them stashed anywhere.”
“Why not?”
He pulled at his suit
jacket. “No little fuzzy hairs. And I can’t smell anything on me. I don’t think
I have any cats.”
“So now we’re back to square
one. We have to come up with a bunch of kittens, and we’re running out of
time.” She turned and headed up the
street.
“Joan, where are you going?”
he called out after her.
“Hunting.”
***
Giles kept close to the
tunnel walls as he followed the path of footsteps and broken debris here and
there. Hopefully he’d come across the others before the sewer split into more
directions. They’d been gone for so long they might even be above ground by
now. Why had he let them go, unarmed and unprepared? He really hadn’t planned
on becoming so distracted by his lovely, and infuriating, fiancée. He paused
along his route and smiled. She was a rather enjoyable distraction, his Anya.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d…
Of course he couldn’t
remember; none of them could. He was getting dotty. Rechecking his satchel of
supplies, he continued on.
***
Joan tried to peer through
the darkness on the other side of the glass. She couldn’t make out anything. It
would be just her luck that the moment she broke the window, the cops would
show up.
“Pet shop’s closed.”
Ah! She jumped and turned to
see the aggravating smirk of Mr. Randy Spike. “I can see that for myself, you
idiot.”
“Charming,” he said, bending
to check out the doorknob. He began to fiddle with the lock using a thin piece
of metal.
She put her hands on her
hips. “Where did you get a lock pick?”
“Dunno.
It was in my pocket.”
So, the obnoxious vampire
was a mass kittennapper and a burglar to boot. “Are
you sure you have a soul?”
“Haven’t drained you yet, have
I?”
“That’s because I’d stake
you first.”
“Bring it on, Muffin.”
She gritted her teeth. How
could someone she didn’t even remember knowing infuriate her so much? Running
off with him to distract the vamp squad had seemed like such a good idea at the
shop. Now it all seemed pointless. She’d been reduced to consorting with the
enemy and breaking into Kirby’s Kuddlers. “Do you
have it open yet?” she asked.
He stood and turned the
knob, pushing the door open. “After you, pet.”
She turned her shoulders to
avoid contact with him on the way in. Stupid vampire.
He followed her down the aisle, to the storeroom in the back. “In here,” she
said.
She flipped on the lights
and located the cages holding the cats. “Six?” she said. “They only have six
kittens?”
“Seem to be the hot
commodity.”
“Now what are we going to
do? We have forty five more minutes and we’re still short almost three dozen
cats!”
“Hey, look at this one,” he
said, lifting up a white fuzzy kitten. “It looks sweet.”
“It’s not even a Siamese!” she
wailed. “They’re all going to die and it will be my fault.”
“Joan,” his voice was calm
as he made his way toward her. “You have to know we’re not going to be able to
pay that guy.”
She plopped down onto the
floor. “I know.” She took the kitten from him. “This one is cute, all white and
fuzzy. It looks like an angel.” She held the kitten up and looked into its blue
eyes. “That’s your name, little fella, Angel.”
Randy shook his head.
“That’s a bloody stupid name.”
“Good,” she said, “then it
stays.”
He slid down the wall to sit
beside her. “Do I really get under your skin that much?”
She looked up at him, the
anxiety she’d been feeling softening as she took in his worried face. “I’m sorry.
I guess I’m just being prickly. It’s not like you know how this all happened.
Now I have to figure out what’s next.”
He reached a hand toward
her, and she didn’t pull away as he smoothed her hair away from her face. His
fingertips lingered at the curve of her cheek. “You’re a fetching one, Joan,
with all that fire inside. Spit and vinegar all wrapped up in a pretty little
package.”
Her breath caught and his
finger dipped to lightly touch her bottom lip. Dear God, she wanted him to kiss
her. Her eyes fluttered closed as he bent his head toward hers. His hand moved
behind her head to tangle in her hair as she raised her face. “We could just
trade you in instead,” she said.
“What?” He pulled away,
confused eyes searching her features.
“That’s what the shark guy
wants, right? You?”
“Yeah.”
“So we give you to him, and
then he goes away.”
He pushed himself up and
away from her, pacing around in agitation. “So after all this, you’re going to
just…”
“Set a trap,” she said. She
put the kitten down and stood to meet him. “We get the others, we go find this
guy, I tell him that I’m turning you in, and we take them all out.”
He smiled at her. “Do you
think the others will be up for that?”
“I’ve been thinking,” she
said. “I obviously fight these things for a living, and it seems like you’re in
it with me. I think the others are too – why else have the magic stuff around?
It’s what we do; we just forgot.”
“I can see why you’re the
boss.”
“Let’s go, Randy.”
“After
you, Joan.”
***
Giles wondered what a large
cage was doing in the sewers. The vampire had left only one guard for the four
of them. Surely there were more close by, since he
doubted one could have enslaved them all. He pulled the magic book and a pen
light from the bag and whispered the incantation he’d highlighted while
planning this rescue operation. A rabbit appeared at the feet of the bored
looking guard and quickly hopped way. The guard sat up and licked his lips and
followed after it eagerly. That had been wonderfully easy. There was some use
for Anya’s book after all.
“Stand back,” he told the
others. He sprinkled dust on the lock and struck a match. There was a loud bang
as the aged metal exploded and the door swung open. “Quickly!”
He didn’t have to repeat the
entreaty. The heavy footfalls told him that the vampires were rapidly
approaching. He let Alexander, Dawn and
“Sure. What do you have in mind?”
“A barrier, something to
give us time to get back to the shop. Anya’s waiting
with a protection spell… if she can pronounce it correctly. We could possibly
end up with a petting zoo instead.”
“Okay, so what do you want
me to do?”
“Spread the sand across the
passageway while I chant. It should do the trick for a short while.”
Barrier in place, they
hurried to catch the others.
***
“Good, everyone’s here,”
Joan said.
“You’re timing couldn’t be
better,” Giles said.
“Father.”
“Randy.”
“We don’t have time for
this,” Joan said. “I have a new plan and we have to move. There’s this shark
guy who said Randy’s name is Spike and if we don’t give him forty Siamese
kittens by midnight he’s going to kill everyone.”
“It’s nice to know that Randy
and Joan were busy smoking the wacky weed while we’ve been fighting for our
lives!” Alex said.
“And did I mention that
Randy’s a vampire?”
“My God. Son!” Giles said.
“I don’t think I belong
here,” Dawn said. “This is all too weird.”
Joan moved over to comfort
the girl. “It’s okay, Dawn. He has a soul.”
“Indeed?” Giles asked. “And
how did that come about?”
“I’d tell you, but I can’t
seem to remember, you bleeding dolt.” Randy said.
“Are you absolutely certain
you’re my son? You seem to have no discernable manners whatsoever and you’re
rather on the short side. The fact that you’re a vampire indicates that you’re
probably older than you think.”
“Bloody hell, you are a
stuffed shirt, aren’t you?”
“Uh, bickery people?”
“Oh yeah, my plan,” Joan
said. “We need to kill them.”
“That is your plan?” Anya
asked. “Let me be the first to say duh!”
“Now, you wait just a
minute,” Randy began.
“VAMPIRES!”
“Everybody be quiet and get
down,” Giles ordered. “
“Wait,”
“Hey, I have one!” Alex
pulled the black crystal from his pocket and gave it to her. “I found it in the
tunnel.”
“Then we’re all set. Go,
Giles!”
Giles threw it, yelling the
words and diving behind the counter. A brilliant light and thundering explosion
filled the room.
***
Buffy stood, surrounded by
devastation, finding Giles and seeing the look of regret on his face. “I can’t
do this,” she said, and ran from the shop.
Giles went to the door and
watched her run away down the street. “Spike,” he said softly. “Go after her.
Make sure she’s…”
The bell rang to announce
his departure and Giles turned to face the room. “I… I’m sorry everyone. I
don’t know how this all happened.”
“It was
“
“Stay away from me. I’m
going home to get my things.”
“But please, baby.”
Anya busily tried to tidy up
the shop, scrubbing at the glass counter and seemingly oblivious to the missing
wall that used to be the back door.
“Sweetie,” Xander said,
“Give it up. I think this is more a job for me than you.”
“But you don’t know… you
don’t understand what happened here!” she told him. “I… we… I thought that…”
“We all thought wrong things,”
he said. “Let’s go home and try to get our heads straight.”
“Yes, Anya, go with Xander.
I’ll be fine,” Giles told her.
“I’m sorry Giles. I didn’t…”
“I know, dear. I didn’t
either.”
He stood in the mess,
knowing that things would never be the same again. It really was time for him
to move on. Buffy was hurting, and his presence here only served to make things
harder for her. She wasn’t relying on herself, and he couldn’t fix her life.
He’d miss her. He’d miss them all.
“What about me?” a small voice
behind him said.
“Dawn?”
“I don’t know where to go.
Buffy ran off and Tara’s at the house packing and
He moved to her and held
her. “I’ll look after you for now, Dawn. We can pick up my things and I’ll drop
you by your house. I’m sure
“Okay,” she said softly. “Giles?”
“Yes,
dear?”
“Your shirt is buttoned
wrong.”
***
“Buffy,
Buffy!” She heard Spike calling, but
didn’t want to stop running. She realized he wasn’t going to stop chasing her
either.
She slowed and turned. “What
do you want?” she yelled. “Just leave me alone.”
“I wish I could. Make my
life a lot easier.”
“We had a… an adventure
tonight, okay? It doesn’t mean anything.”
“We were working together
and you were happy.”
“None of it was real, not
even our names.” She turned her back on him and resumed her journey up the
street.
“Does it matter? Buffy,
don’t run away from me.”
She stopped again. “I’m not
running from you. It’s everything. I don’t want to feel like this.”
“Then don’t.”
“Don’t you think I’d stop it
if I could?” she asked him, horrified to hear her voice breaking. She was not
going to cry in front of him, he already knew enough of her secrets. “God, I
hate this. I hate my life. I hate you.”
She grabbed him then, and
kissed him hard; her mouth driving into him as though she could somehow
transfer some of the agony she felt. He seemed to welcome it, wrapping his arms
around her and taking everything she had to give. The kiss went on and on,
deepening and building as she poured out her pain and rage and despair. She
pulled back for air, seeing his swollen and blood stained lips. His blood, not hers.
“Do you still want me,
Spike?” she asked, the words falling bitterly.
“I’ll always want you.”
She pushed away from him and
ran into the darkness. This time he didn’t follow her.
***
Giles had granted Spike one last
favor before boarding his plane to leave Sunnydale. He’d brought a certain book
from the shop with him – the one Anya favored. The few word changes had been
simple enough for a man with his knowledge of the dark arts.
He couldn’t really give a
reason for why he was helping a soulless vampire who’d hurt all of them in the
past, but he knew that Spike cared about Buffy, and no matter what, he’d look
out for her. It certainly hadn’t anything to do with any lingering paternal
issues. The very thought!
As Giles closed the book,
across town a demon with the head of a shark found himself
surrounded by a thousand Siamese kittens. Hungry Siamese kittens.
***
It was almost morning when
Buffy returned home. She checked on Dawn, who was sleeping. Good, her sister
was okay.
She washed her face and
brushed her teeth and tumbled into her bed. She could get in a few hours of
sleep before facing the next day. And the next. And the next. She closed her eyes and was close to drifting
off when a scrabbling noise alerted her to another presence in the room.
She turned on her beside
light and spotted the box on her floor. It had holes poked into the top. She
brought it up onto the bed, knowing what was inside even before she removed the
lid. “Angel?”
The kitten mewled and rubbed
its cheek against her hand, settling down in her lap and purring happily. Buffy
stroked its soft fur and mused at how Spike had known the kitten would be one
thing that she didn’t have to angst over. Except for the part where it was
stolen, but she’d just think about that later.
“A few words to the wise,”
Buffy whispered. “No using any of my stuff for your litter box, and keep a low
profile when Dawn is carrying sharp objects. I’ve seen what can happen and it
isn’t pretty.”
Angel purred and Buffy
yawned. “One more thing,” she said. “We have to do something about your name.
How do you feel about Randy?”
Now that was a good
question.
~The End~