It was early evening as Buffy approached Spike's crypt, fighting with
herself like she had every other time. Desire was at odds with logic. And like
all the other times, desire won. Lost in her silent struggle she was startled
by the sound of crashing and breaking furniture. Pulse quickening, she pulled
Mr. Pointy out of his resting-place and rushed up to the crypt and through the
door. It took a second for her eyes to adjust from the darkness to light, a
second that was almost more than could be afforded. A figure, its back turned
to Buffy, was holding an upraised stake in its hand, standing over a prone but
conscious Spike.
"Calm down mate! I am sure we can work something out!" Spike
desperately told his attacker.
Buffy lunged across the room, grabbing the figure's arm and shoved the attacker
hard up against the wall, where he let out a loud "oomph" of air
being forced out of his lungs before he slid down to the floor. The hood of his
jacket fell back, revealing a young man. Buffy was shocked to recognize him as
one of her high-school classmates. He gasped for breath, glaring at Buffy with
betrayal in his eyes. "That monster and his girlfriend killed my mother
and sister four years ago! Why did you stop me Slayer? You should be helping
me." The last sentence almost sounded like a plea.
Buffy bent down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Look, I
understand how you feel, but he can't fight back," she reasoned.
"He's been made so that he can't hurt humans anymore. He can't defend
himself."
"Well neither could they. He didn't care when he took my family from me.
They were helpless too. Why should I care?" Tears flowed unheeded down his
face, his voice was full of pain.
"Because you don't want to be like him." She gave Spike a long level
look even as she spoke. "Do you want to do the same thing he did?"
Spike interrupted, missing Buffy's warning look, and attempted to calm the
young man. "Look, if it's any consolation to you, I'm sure they didn't
suffer. I didn't get off on prolonging it. Not like other vamps I know."
The man leveled himself off the floor and out of Buffy's grasp. He stepped
toward Spike while firmly grasping the stake that still was in his hand. Buffy
could see that his whole body was trembling.
"You are a monster! Do you have any idea what it is like to have the
people you love the most taken from you, and you are powerless to do anything
about it?" Raw pain laced his voice. Spike looked over at Buffy, his own
eyes filled with memories and anguish.
"Yeah. I can say I have had some experience with that," he took a
deep breath, let it out and dropped his shoulders, "and I wouldn't blame
you for staking me right now." Buffy noticed Spike's hard swallow and
realized against her better judgment that he meant what he said.
Buffy became aware that she was holding her breath. The scene that played out
before her held her spellbound. She didn't want to think about what she might
have to do if the young man tried to carry out his threat. Would she actually
harm another human to defend a vampire? She watched man's face contort as he
struggled to control his emotions.
"I won't do it." The sound of the stake hitting the floor was loud in
the silence following his pronouncement. "I won't lower myself to doing
what you did, even if it is justice." Tears streamed down his face as he
turned and ran out into the night. Silence hung thickly between Buffy and Spike
as Buffy let out a silent breath in relief that she hadn't had to take action.
At least not this time.
"Spike..." Buffy began, then trailed off as confusion and conflicting
emotions chased across her face.
"Get out." Spike replied. His voice was dead calm.
"Look, I know this is hard..." Buffy began again, sympathy coloring
her voice.
Spike interrupted her, no longer calm "Just bloody get out! I don't need
your fluttering pity." In a more subdued tone he continued, "That
bloody wanker was right. I am a monster, and the only thing that's kept you
from dusting me already is this bleedin' chip in my head!"
He broke off and took a deep breath. "Look, I can't prove to you that I've
changed as long as I have it, but you've got no excuse to keep me around if I
don't." He turned away from her. "You don't want this, and you don't
want me. Just go home Buffy."
Buffy leveled a long look at him, then turned quietly and walked to the door.
She paused for a moment before opening it and walking out. She didn't look
back. The door closed with a solid thud behind her.
Spike stood alone for a moment, his head is bent. He was barely moving.
Suddenly he let out a ferocious roar. He raised his head in full game face and
began to storm through his crypt, sweeping vases and ornaments from shelves and
tables. He came to his liquor supply, ripped the top from a bottle of bourbon
and drank deeply, then flung the bottle against the wall. More bottles
followed. He continued to tear through the room overturning tables and throwing
everything he encountered. He came to his television set. He picked it up over
his head and began to launch it onto the concrete floor. He stopped and looked
up. His face calmed. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then, "Oh,
bugger it!"
The television crashed at his feet. Shards of glass cut into his legs and the
backs of his hands. He walked a few feet away, his rage spent. He sank down to
the floor in a heap, his black duster billowing out around him. He brought his
hands to his now human face. Shoulders shaking, he wept.
*****
Buffy walked listlessly into her house and turned into the living room. Xander
was there with Dawn helping her with her math homework.
Dawn was talking to Xander, sounding amused, "Since when are you a math
whiz Xander? Last I heard you got to graduate just because Snyder couldn't wait
to get rid of you."
"Hey now," He replied "I spend a lot of hours listening to Anya
with her number crunching. Stuff sinks in now and then. I am Xanderini, the
great osmosis machine."
"Did you just say 'osmosis'?" Dawn was impressed.
"Yes, and I think I even used it correctly! See, if there's hope for me
kiddo, there's hope for you. Now, back to memorizing your theory's and
pustules."
Dawn rolled her eyes and didn't bother to correct him.
Buffy stepped into the room "Hey guys. What's up?"
"Just Geometry. I don't understand how I'm ever going to use this
stuff." Dawn whined.
"Doesn't matter, Dawn. You've gotta do it anyway. It's just like
everything else." Buffy sighed, thinking about her own responsibilities.
"Hey, What is it Buff?" Xander asked, "You seem down. at least
more down than usual these days. Something happen at the Doublemeat today? Did
you run out of deep-fried compressed pseudo-chicken meatbits?"
"No. Work was fine. I'm just." She thought for a minute. "Hey
Xan, will you do a favor for me?"
"Sure, whatever. I'm not due to pick up Anya at the shop until 9:00. She
and Halfrek are going over more wedding stuff. Gewww! Any errand would be
deeply appreciated."
"Would you mind stopping by Spike's crypt and checking on him? He... um… I
saw him earlier and he seemed kind of upset." She tried to make the
request sound casual.
Xander was a bit mystified, "Ohhhh Kaaayy. You want me to look in on
Spike. Hmmm." An expression of confusion crosses his face. He was having
trouble with the whole idea of Buffy even caring whether Spike was upset.
"Please Xander." Buffy pled quietly.
Xander still looked confused, but nodded his head anyway. "All right Buff.
I'll look in on him and call you later. OK?"
"Sure. Thanks." She responded gratefully. "And thank you for
picking up Dawn this afternoon. You're great."
"You're welcome. Well, on my way. Later Buffy, later kiddo."
Dawn and Buffy both waved goodbye as Xander let himself out. Buffy turned to
look at her sister, "So, you wanna give me a shot a quizzing you on math
facts?"
Dawn was a bit skeptical, "Sure, but aren't you going to patrol
tonight?"
"Nah." Buffy shook her head with a little twitch of her lips.
"Tonight I want to stay in with my favorite sister. I say popcorn and
movies. Sound good to you?"
"Sounds great!" Dawn smiled. "Dibs on the couch!"
*****
Xander approached Spike's crypt and banged on the door. When there was no
response he pushed it ajar and stuck his head in to look around. "Spike?
You in here?"
There was no answer. Xander walked in and took in the mess.
"Déjà vu all over again." He thought for a minute about the last time
he entered uninvited and found the place in a mess. He shuddered at the memory.
"Ew. I don't even want to think about what he is doing down there this
time!"
After a few minutes of standing there in the deserted room he yelled, "Spike!
SPIKE!" There was still no answer. Xander slowly looked around. There was
something different this time. The last time things were haphazardly thrown
around. This time the place was demolished. Broken glass was everywhere. He saw
blood on the floor. Blood! He called more urgently, "SPIKE!!!"
He rushed to the lower level, but there was no sign of the vampire. Everything
looked undisturbed down there. He went back upstairs, took one last look
around, and then hurried out.
*****
Xander entered the dilapidated demon bar, squared his
shoulders, and did his version of a swagger as he approached the bar and the
strange little man standing behind it.
Willy sighed loudly and gave Xander a resigned look, "All right. What is
it now? You're not going to pretend to beat me up again, are you?"
Xander firmed his chin and narrowed his eyes trying to sound tough, "I
just need some information."
Willy just looked bored. He raised his eyebrows as if to say "duh."
Xander's voice returned to normal, "OK. It's like this. I'm looking for
Spike. It's important. I need to know if anyone in here has seen or heard from
him in the last hour." He leaned over with his forearm on the bar,
"This is urgent!"
Willy rolled his eyes, unimpressed, and inclined his head toward the back
corner of the room. "He's over there."
Xander, embarrassed, nodded. "Thank you." He gave Willy a dumb Xander
grin and walked away as Willy went back to business. Xander walked over to
Spike, dodging assorted limbs of various demons as he made his way across the
room.
"Hey Spike, what are you doing?" He tried to sound casual.
Spike stared at the shot glass in his hand. "Getting pissed."
"Well, yeah then." Xander pulled up a chair and sat down. "You
see, I stopped by your place, and I hate to tell you, but somebody has trashed
it. I thought that maybe someone's minions stopped in to drag you off again. I
know that you don't want to hear this, but even the TV is scrapped. And there
was blood too." He stopped as he noticed the cuts on Spike's hands.
"Right, you told me. Now sod off."
"Whoa bleach boy. Aren't we in a snarky mood? Just doing a favor here.
Don't shoot the messenger."
"Favor? For who?"
"Buffy." Spike looked up at him suddenly. "She asked me to check
in on you. She was worried about you for some reason. "
Spike looked back down at his drink, tossed it back, and then refilled the
glass from the bottle on the table. He shook his head bitterly. "No need
to worry 'bout me. I am what I am, you know. Whatever that is."
There was silence for a long moment. Neither of them knew quite what to say.
Finally Spike offered, "You want a drink Harris?"
"Ahh," Xander thought for a minute, "Why not? After all, I'm
getting married soon. This is what fellows do when they're getting married,
right? Go out drinking with the guys. er, guy. Uh, does a vampire qualify as a
guy?"
Spike gave Xander a hard look and said, "That's the rub, innit?"
Xander was too busy choking on the cheap booze to notice.