"There there Anya. Don't cry any more."
Halfrek, the vengeance demon, patted Anya's head. Anya had been crying in her
old friend's lap for over a half-hour, and all her breaths sounded like gulps
or hiccups. Anya was completely beside herself. Xander, the only human she had
ever really loved, had just dumped her at the church on their wedding day. That
is, what was supposed to be her wedding day. There would be no happy cherished
memories of this day for her. She didn't know how she was going to get up and
walk again, much less go on with her life. Halfrek had taken her back to her
dressing room and had been holding her ever since Xander had walked out.
"Oh Hallie!" Anya moaned between sobs, "What am I going to do?
Where am I going to go?"
"What do you want to do Anya?"
"I just want to be with Xander, but he doesn't want to be with me. Oh it
hurts. It hurts so much. I feel like I've died, but the pain won't stop."
"Shhh Anya. I'll help you."
"He. he told me that he loved me, that he wanted to spend his life with
me."
"But he was always trying to change you." Halfrek spoke honestly, but
with softness. "Did he really love you or did he love what he wanted you
to be?"
Anya lifted her head from Halfrek's lap and groped around for another tissue to
blot her eyes with. There were several dozen littering the floor around the
chair where her friend sat and where she was kneeling. Finally she found one
with a dry corner and blew her nose loudly before folding it and dropping it on
the floor again. She took a few unsteady breaths before speaking. "What do
you mean Hallie?"
"Well, he did tend to correct you in front of his friends, and he seldom
took your opinions seriously. Does that sound like love to you?"
Anya sniffed a few more times. "No, not really." Her shoulders
drooped and her eyes held a lost look. "I never did that to him Hallie. I
tried to be the best person I could be for him and to love him just the way he
was. I even loved his new little fat globs on his waist. They were so cute! And
his little cheeks were getting so porky!"
"You know, Anya" Halfrek interjected thoughtfully, "there is
something you could do to show him how he's made you feel."
Anya's eyes brightened a little. "A wish?"
Halfrek nodded. "Yes. I could grant a wish for you and perhaps we could
teach Xander a little lesson."
"Yes." Anya suddenly felt some of the weight lift from her heart.
"Yes, I think I'd like to make a wish."
"And what do you wish?"
"I wish that Xander and I could change places. I wish that he could feel
what I am feeling, just for a week. Please Hallie?"
"Wish granted."
*****
Xander stirred from his sleep as the sunlight crept across the pillow and hit
his closed eyelids. "Oh, umm." He stretched and slowly sat up,
rubbing his eyes with his fists as he did. Then he frowned. Sunlight? He had
drawn the dark curtains of the motel room after arriving last night. How did
they get opened? He blinked and looked around. He was in Anya's room. Anya's
room? What was he doing here? He took a deep breath and wondered at the weight
he felt crushing his chest. He felt sad and empty and completely alone.
"Anya?" he called out, but heard her voice, not his own. "What
the.?" He looked down and noticed feminine hands with perfectly painted
nails, the index fingers smudged with black where they had just rubbed against
his eyes.
He rose and walked to the dresser to peer at his image in the mirror. Instead
of his own reflection, he saw Anya's, and she looked horrible. The eyes were
swollen and red. Makeup was smeared around her eyes and her hair was matted. He
reached up and touched his cheek. He could feel his fingers touching his skin,
but saw Anya's hand against her face.
"Anya!" he called out again, but the apartment was completely silent
and empty. Once again he was overwhelmed with the strongest feeling of grief he
had experienced since watching Buffy leap to her death last year. What was
going on?
*****
Anya woke in a dim motel room. The bed was lumpy and the pillow was hard.
"Uh, Xander! Couldn't you have been just a little more discerning?"
She felt a little thrill at hearing his masculine voice coming out of this body
- Xander's body! She jumped out of bed andd went to the mirror. Oh yes!
"Thank you Halfrek!" she spoke up into the air, and performed a little
pirouette in front of the mirror. She giggled as she noticed how funny Xander
looked doing that.
She felt SO much better today! The crushing feeling of loss was gone. She
stopped to examine exactly what it was that she, or Xander, was feeling. There
was some sadness. Quite a bit of sadness really. Good. Sad was good. It was
definitely better than apathy. "Good Xander. At least you're sad!"
There was also. What WAS that other feeling? She was not familiar with the
other emotion filling Xander's heart. She looked in the mirror and felt
somewhat disgusted at the man who appeared there. Self-loathing? Yes. A bit,
but that wasn't quite it.
She was interrupted from her reverie by the shrill ringing of the telephone.
She picked it up to hear a gruff male voice. "Checkout is at 10:00. You
get charged fifteen dollars extra if you're not out by then."
"OK" she replied in Xander's voice. "I'll be out by ten."
She replaced the receiver and glanced at the clock. It was 9:45. She knew she
had to get on her way. Where was she going to go? Where would Xander go?
*****
Willow stood at the stove cooking eggs while Buffy buttered toast. Dawn was
setting the kitchen island for breakfast. "Has anyone heard from Xander or
Anya today?" she asked?
Willow turned and gave her a crooked sad smile and shook her head thoughtfully.
"I keep hoping one of them will call." Buffy commented. "I don't
know what to think. This is all just so sad."
"Yeah." Willow agreed. "Xander wedding. happy happy. POOF!
Miserable now. I keep hoping he'll come walking in through the door."
Just then the kitchen door opened and Xander's head peeked inside. Buffy and
Dawn turned to give Willow questioning stares.
"What?" Willow asked. "I didn't do it! I swear!"
Buffy turned and walked to the door. "Oh Xander, I'm so glad to see
you!" She hugged him. "Come on in. We were just getting ready to eat
breakfast. I made toast!"
"It's very aromatic!" 'Xander' replied.
All three girls gave him a puzzled look. "Yeah." Buffy wrinkled her
nose. "I guess so. sit down and we'll get you a plate."
"How are you doing Xander?" Willow inquired as she put some eggs on
his dish. "Have you spoken to Anya since you. since the wedd. er, since
anytime recently?"
"No!" 'Xander' answered firmly. "I have neither spoken with nor
seen Anya." She looked down at the plate. Eggs. She hated eggs. "Yum.
Eggs. I guess I'll take a bite of.eggs." She cut off a piece and put it in
her mouth. Hmm. Hmmm! "Yummm! Eggs! They're strangely appetizing."
Quickly she cleaned the plate and held it out to Willow for more. "Have
eggs always tasted this good? And more toast please, with extra butter!"
Buffy and Willow exchanged a concerned glance. Willow put more food on the
plate and pulled up a chair next to her friend. "OK Xander, I. I'm really
getting kinda worried now. You're acting a little. odd."
"I'm not acting like Xander? It must be the stress. Yes! The stress from
treating Anya so horribly and walking all over her feelings like they didn't
matter." 'Xander' suddenly stopped and frowned. "There it is again,
that feeling."
"What feeling?" Willow was concerned. "I'm sure you're feeling
badly about what happened."
"No. It's more than that. I think about the wedding and Anya and it's as
if this weight is pressing down on my shoulders. It is quite
disconcerting."
"Oh, the guilt?"
"Guilt?" 'Xander' stops to consider this. "Of course! It must be
guilt. Guilt!"
Buffy broke in on the conversation. "Will, you stay here with Dawn and
Xander. I'm going to try and hunt down Anya, OK?"
"Sure Buffy. We'll watch him, won't we Dawn?"
Dawn looked bored. "Sure."
*****
As Xander approached the door of the Magic Box he was once again startled to
see Anya's face reflected in the glass of the door. The door was locked and all
was dark inside. Apparently Anya wasn't here. He put his hands in his pockets
but couldn't find any keys. Where did Anya keep her keys? Her purse! That's
right, she kept everything in her purse. He had grabbed it on his way out of
the apartment. It must have been instinct kicking in, since he couldn't imagine
remembering to grab her handbag. He opened the flap and dug around. There they
were. The keychain had a plastic skull on it. Yep. Definitely Anya's keys. As
he pulled them from the bag her wallet fell out. He bent to pick it up and saw
a picture of himself and Anya, taken for their wedding announcement.
Immediately he began to cry and sobs shook his shoulders. He had to get off the
street! He quickly unlocked the door and stepped inside.
Taking a deep breath and brushing the tears from his face, he paused to look
around the shop. It was definitely deserted. All was quiet. He turned and
locked the door behind him. It wouldn't do for any customers to come calling.
He didn't have a clue how to sell anybody anything, even though he had spent
countless hours here with Anya. Again, he started to cry. What was this? He
never cried. NEVER. Not when his heart had been bruised in the past, not when
his father used to beat him while in a drunken rage or told him how worthless
he was, not even when his best friend died. Now he was sobbing uncontrollably.
He couldn't remember ever feeling this low or this lost. He reached into the
purse again and found a small package of tissues. He wiped his eyes and blew
his nose, then stepped to look into a mirror.
Again, it was Anya's face. If possible, it looked even worse than it had when
he first woke in this body. Her hair was still a matted mess. The curls were
flat and stiff from old hairspray. He ran his hand over the hair, trying to
neaten it somewhat, but it stubbornly remained resistant to his ministrations.
He pulled himself away from the mirror and tried to think. What was he going to
do? He had to call somebody for help. Willow! Maybe she would have an idea if
this were a spell or something. Maybe she had even heard from Anya.
He started toward the phone when he heard a knock on the door. Turning, he saw
Buffy standing there, her hands cupped around her face, peering in through the
glass.
"Thank you God." He whispered into the air, then hurried to let her
in.
"Buffy!" 'Anya' grabbed her in a tight hug. "I am so glad to see
you! I need help."
Buffy gave him a quick hug back, then stepped back in surprise. "Hi Anya.
We were a little worried about you. Xander came by the house and he was acting
pretty strangely."
"Xander is at your house? Xander!?"
"Yeah. He came by. He was eating breakfast when I left and talking kind of
whacked."
"What did he say? Did he talk about me?"
"No." Buffy shook her head thoughtfully. "Not really. He was
just going on about how good the eggs were and wondering why didn't we have any
milk that wasn't skim."
'Anya' began to cry again. "Oh no. I can't stop doing this. What is wrong
with me?"
Buffy reached out to hug her again. "I know you feel just horrible Anya.
It's OK to cry."
"I never cry."
Buffy looked mystified. "I don't know if 'never' is quite the word I'd
use."
"Me!" 'Anya' sounded agitated. "Me me. I never cry!"
"Ooohhhh-Kayyy. Anya, why don't we go sit down."
'Anya' shook her head. "I mean, I'm not me."
"Of course you're not feeling like yourself, not after all you've been
though."
"That's just it!" 'Anya' grabbed Buffy by the arms and looked into
her face. "Something REALLY strange has happened, and we have to figure
out what!"
"Um, Anya." Buffy interjected, "Have you looked in the
mirror?"
"Yes! That's exactly the problem!"
"Uh huh. you're kind of a mess."
"Oh, my hair! Isn't it terrible! I can't do anything with it."
"Here." Buffy led her over to a chair and pushed her down. "Let
me help you out." She pulled a brush out of her purse and began
straightening out the tangled mess. "You know Anya, I really don't think
you should be alone. Why don't you come home with me?"
"Yes! Your house. Xander's still there, right?"
"As far as I know." Buffy shrugged. "Don't let that keep you
from coming over."
"Oh no. I WANT to see him. I think he is behind this somehow. By the way,
has he been using some big words?"
"Now that you mention it, yes!"
"Then let's go. The sooner we get this straightened out the better."
"Um, Anya, do you think you might want to put on some makeup first? You
look a little scary."
'Anya' burst into tears again. Buffy rolled her eyes.
*****
It had been the strangest week that Buffy could ever recall. Stranger even than
when Willow had accidentally put her "do my will" spell on them.
Granted, nobody had been struck blind, demons weren't popping up all over the
place (unless you counted Clem), and nobody was making wedding plans, thank the
lord. Still, the situation between Xander and Anya had them all stymied.
She had brought Anya back to the house last Sunday, where she had immediately
confronted Xander and insisted they go talk in another room. Buffy, Willow and
Dawn had spent the next hour pretending like they weren't listening to the
ensuing conversation, but they had actually kept a keen ear for whatever
snippets that they could overhear. There wasn't much that was overheard. Xander
and Anya had kept their voices low for the most part. Buffy had picked out lots
of "Me-You, You-Me" references and Xander had repeatedly stated
"One week. Just one week." Anya had been extremely emotional, but had
finally agreed to the week Xander requested. They had exited the room, Xander
beaming and Anya, of course, sobbing. The other girls had decided it would be
best if Anya weren't left alone, so they invited her to stay at the house.
Xander decided to stay at the apartment.
The week went on to become even stranger. Xander didn't have to work, since he
had taken the week off from his job for his honeymoon. However, instead of
vacationing he swung by the house on Monday morning and picked up Anya and took
her to the magic shop. He had stayed in the car repeatedly honking the horn
while Anya stomped down the stairs wearing no makeup and clothes that didn't
match. She also complained loudly about how uncomfortable her bra was and asked
Dawn to help her with her makeup. Two hours later Xander had cheerfully shown
up at the house asking if lunch was ready.
By Wednesday the Magic Box was in a shambles. Anya couldn't seem to concentrate
on business and often dissolved into tears or hysterics when customers asked
for help. Occasionally she would complain loudly about the ancient cash
register and the inventory sheets. Buffy, Willow and Dawn began to spend all their
free time at the shop to help out. The poor girl was overwhelmed by the least
business related decision. On the bright side, Buffy had never seen Anya and
Willow get along so well. Anya constantly deferred to her former rival, and
they seemed to understand each other's humor. Buffy and Dawn just tried to stay
out of the way and help out as much as possible.
Xander, on the other hand was almost impossibly chipper. He seemed to spend his
day running errands and shopping for sales. On Thursday he had brought in
seveal bags full of new clothes and jewelry for Anya. He made quite a show of
stating he had charged them on him "Xander Harris" credit card. Anya
had completely flipped out and it had become necessary for Buffy to physically
lift her up and carry her into the workout room. She had used words and terms
that Buffy had heard only when she had spent the day working at the
construction site. Dawn's eyes had been huge. To his credit, Xander hadn't
yelled back. No, instead he stood in the center of the shop with a huge grin on
his face and asked Willow how business was going. Then he had stopped on his
way out of the shop to dust off the shelves by the door.
The rest of the week had gone in much the same manner. Finally, on Saturday,
Anya had refused to get out of bed. She stated emphatically that she was going
to stay put until Sunday morning and nothing short of the next apocalypse was
going to budge her from the room. An hour later Willow had heard her wailing
from the bathroom.
"No! NO! Not my period!"
*****
It was Sunday morning once again at Buffy's house, and as usual the three girls
were gathered in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Anya was still upstairs
sleeping, but they all knew that she would be down soon. Anya had proven to be
surprisingly helpful around the house, especially with broken furniture and
minor plumbing mishaps.
"Here Dawnie." Willow dished a pancake onto her plate. "I've
made a new shape for you."
Dawn looked at the oddly shaped pancake and tilted her head. "Well it's
definitely not Mickey Mouse. It looks like a big fat banana."
Willow smiled proudly. "It's the Cheshire Cat." She pointed.
"See, that's his smile!"
She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Buffy opened it to admit Xander.
"Hi Xan. How are you feeling today?" She asked tentatively.
"Much better, thanks Buffy. Much more like... myself." He gave her a
hug. "Hey, is Anya up yet?"
"Nope. Not yet. She had kind of a rough day yesterday..."
"Yeah, I know. Don't call her. I'll go up." Xander started to leave
the room. He stopped at the hall and turned. "By the way, do you have a
heating pad?"
Buffy looked a little surprised. "Yeah, there's one in the weapons chest.
Some nights I use it after patrolling."
"Thanks Buff. I'll get it on my way up." With that he turned to leave
the room again.
"Xander!" Willow called. He stopped and turned again. "She's up
in my room."
Xander just smiled. "I know Willow. Thanks. Thanks for taking the couch
for a week too. You are a great friend." With that he walked out.
Buffy turned to Willow. "What now?"
Willow just shrugged her shoulders.
*****
Xander knocked on the bedroom door.
"Come in." Anya called. She had been expecting him.
"Hey." He stuck his head in. "Mind if I come in?"
"Please do."
"I brought this up." He gestured to the heating pad. "I thought
you might like to lay it on your stomach or your back."
"Thank you Xander. That would be great."
"Anya," he began, "I just wanted to say..."
"That you're sorry."
"Yes." He smiled and nodded. "I am deeply sorry for all I've
done to you. And I'm not just talking about the wedding."
"I know." Anya replied quietly. "I understand completely how you
feel."
He laughed a little at that. "I suppose you do. Just like I understand
completely how you feel and what a horrible thing I've done."
"Stop it Xander." She was firm. "You don't have to tell me you
are sorry. I can see now that I pushed you into something you just weren't
ready for." She paused for a moment. "I wasn't ready either."
"But Anya, I get it now. I know how much you loved me and I know what I
meant to you. That didn't used to mean anything to me, but now it
means..."
"The same thing Xander." She interrupted him again. "I just
spent a week feeling everything that you feel. I know that you care about me,
and I know that you didn't want to hurt me. I also know that I am not the
beginning and end of your world. You have a lot of pain in your life that
you've never dealt with. You need to do that."
He sat beside her on the bed and took her hands in his. "Anya, I'm ready
to try and deal with some of those things, and I want to do it with you. I just
didn't know how much your love and support meant to me. I need you. Can we
start again?"
Anya smiled sweetly at him and raised her hand to caress his face. "Oh
Xander, I do love you. But the answer is no." She dropped her hand back
into her lap and looked at it; at the finger that once wore his ring. "I
made you my whole world after I became a human again, and I discovered this
week how much I've been missing. Maybe sometime down the road it will be right
for us, but not now."
Anya's eyes were dry and gentle. Her voice was soft. She spoke to him from her
heart. "Xander, please know that I will always love you."
Xander pulled her into his arms and hugged her, then kissed the top of her
head. "Anya, I hope you know that I will always love you too."
"I think you probably will."
Xander rose to leave. "Goodbye Anya. Please call me if you ever want me or
need me for... anything."
"I might." She smiled wistfully.
Quietly Xander left the room, hoping she didn’t notice as he wiped a tear from
his cheek.
THE END