“OW!” ‘THAT PINCHES!’ “UH!”  ‘GET OFF!’  “MOVE!”  ‘THAT’S MY LEG!’  “I CAN’T BREATHE!”  ‘ROLL OFF!’

 

“BLOODY HELL!” Spike found himself on top of a mountain of bodies.  His head was resting on something soft until some hands roughly pushed him into an elbow.  Skip’s ridges were now pressing painfully into his back and his legs were trapped beneath someone else’s.  Spike tried to find a place to put his hands, found hair and a bony plate and pushed until his feet hit the floor. Turning around he witnessed the comical sight of Tara, Xander, Dawn, Skip, Buffy, Ethan, Willow and Anya all struggling to disentangle themselves from the pile.  Reaching in his duster, he found a cigarette and his lighter and settled in to watch the show.

 

“Well, I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.”  Ethan’s sarcasm bit through the quiet and bounced off the gray walls surrounding them as he gingerly stretched out his arm and flexed his hand, testing for mobility.

 

“Shut up.”  Buffy bit out as her eyes took in their surroundings.  Grey rock walls made up the room they were in, with a doorway at each end.  She hadn’t known exactly what to expect, but this seemingly innocuous stone was not what she had envisioned.

 

Finally standing up, tentatively feeling his horns, Skip groaned, “Oh great.”

 

“Could you clarify?”  Buffy looked at him.

 

“Well.  I’m in hell.  And so are you. Is it clear now?”  Skip bounced on his knees looking like a prizefighter waiting for the bell. “Oy… my ankles are killing me.”

 

Xander leaned against a nearby wall and lifted a foot in the air, “Hey there messenger man. How’s about some explaining now?”

 

“I can’t do much more for you. I told you the basics outside the portal.  This,” Skip looked around, “particular hell isn’t anything I’m familiar with.  There are details of this little trip that…weren’t in THE BRIEFING!”  He shouted the last in the direction of the ceiling.

 

Dawn glanced up when Skip did and noticed something peculiar.  “Hey guys.”  The group was now babbling amongst themselves paying her little attention.  She tried again a bit louder, “Guys!”  Still no response.  She screamed.  A high, piercing, shriek.  Everyone looked at her.  She shrugged, “Sorry, but, you weren’t listening… look,” she pointed at the ceiling, or where the ceiling should have been.

 

The stone walls stretched high, at least 4-5 people high, and at the top, in place of more stone or a ceiling was, nothing.  A vast upness.  Like looking up from the bottom of a bottomless well. 

 

“That doesn’t look promising. Has anyone seen my shoe?”  Anya resumed scouring the floor for her missing shoe, walking with a stumping gait.

 

Buffy did a quick headcount and found that everyone who had been near the portal before she and Dawn entered had ended up in the stone room.  Willow and Tara were holding hands, Skip was standing with his arms crossed, Spike was perched on a small ledge smoking, Ethan was standing near one of the doorways with a furtive look on his face, Anya was still questing for her shoe, Xander was watching every move Anya made, and there was Dawn, standing close behind her.

 

“We need to get moving,” Buffy looked towards both archways and then at Skip, “Which way?”

 

“Please don’t look to me for your answers.  I am supposed to be ambiguous, even if I know something. However, I know nothing; never been to this particular hell before.  This is your adventure, not mine, Goldilocks.”

 

Buffy cringed visibly while Spike smirked in the corner as Skip unwittingly called her by the name she had come to detest.  Having finally located her shoe, Anya made her way back to the group.

 

“What’s the matter B? Can’t function without your Watcher?”  Buffy whirled around at the sound of the all-too-familiar voice.  There she was, vivid and mocking as ever.  Gum snapping, hands on her leather-clad hips, whorish lips twisted into a derisive smile.  Faith taunted her again, “You and your precious Scoobies seem to be lost.”

 

“You’re not real.  You’re locked up behind bars where you belong.” Buffy tried to sound convincing. “You are not here.”

 

“You sure about that B?  How’s this,” Faith sprang forward and hammered a swift blow to Buffy’s midsection then landed just behind her, “for reality?”

 

Buffy doubled over at the abrupt loss of breath, and surprise from the punch. She turned to face Faith and found the cavern empty… except for the two of them.

 

*****

 

Skip had closed his eyes in concentration to reach a particularly bothersome back plate that had suffered a dent during the people pile-up. Exhaling in relief he opened them again and found the cavern deserted save the blonde witch standing next to him, open-mouthed, eyes focused on something in front of her.  He followed her gaze, “Great googly-moogly.”

 

*****

 

Somehow, this hell was worse than he had imagined.  One minute he was watching Anya pull her shoe on and the next Xander found himself standing on a stage in front of an endless audience.  Xander heard a resounding baritone voice, “Welcome to Everything you Learned in College!” The crowd erupted into applause and whistles. Blinking, Xander tried to focus on the voice, but all he could see was the immense amount of people sitting in front of him.  “Joining us today is Alexander Harris.”  The spotlight hit Xander full in the face and he tentatively waved, while the crowed booed.  “He’ll be playing for the lives of his companions… Spike and Dawn!”  Xander heard more applause and whistles as a curtain opened in front of him revealing Spike and Dawn suspended above a frothing tank of sharks.  “For every wrong answer, Spike and Dawn get lowered 5 feet closer to the tank!” There was thunderous applause.  “For every answer Mr. Harris gets correct, his friends will rise 1 foot away from danger.”  Catcalls and sounds of loud displeasure followed this announcement.  Xander began to sweat, and started shifting his weight from foot to foot.  “Here’s your first question: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day; concentrate especially...”

 

*****

 

Buffy was just beginning to get her breath back when Faith twisted her hand into her hair and painfully yanked her head back. Buffy looked into Faith’s glittering, slitted eyes, “You are such a spoiled bitch.  You expect help at every turn. Your Watcher, the Scoobies, even from the boys upstairs.  It’s about time you understood what it’s like for the rest of us.”  Faith spat in her face and then delivered a ferocious strike to her chest while simultaneously hurling her knee into Buffy’s back. Faith let go and Buffy collapsed to the floor.  Seizing the opportunity, Faith drove kick after kick into her torso.

 

*****

 

Anya had moved to stand next to Willow when the earth underneath them began to rumble.  Anya looked down and found that a crack had begun to make its way across the ground.  Instinctively the nearest people began to huddle together.  In an instant it had become a bottomless trench, effectively separating Willow, that detestable warlock Ethan Rayne and herself from the rest of the group. The crevasse widened and spread until the three were trapped on a singular up-thrust of rock surrounded by a vast expanse of nothing. Willow was clutching her hand desperately, eyes wide with fear while Ethan would have made a comical sight in any other situation, head waggling back and forth, searching for some way off the spire. “I’ve always hated hell-dimensions,” Anya muttered to no one in particular.

 

*****

 

"Is that...?" Tara's voice trailed off in wonder.

 

"The Emerald City." Skip confirmed.

 

"Oh." Tara breathed softly. "I guess th... that's where we need to go." She took a tentative step forward and noticed the weight of her dress.  It was no longer the cotton skirt and peasant blouse she had been wearing. It was a long, silvery iridescent gown covered with glittering stars and moons.  She held a fanciful magic wand in her hand.  "A... am I...?" She felt her head to investigate the weight settled there. It was a huge crown and her hair was curled.

 

"You would appear to be the good witch of the North."

 

Tara smiled impishly. "And you, you're…" She pointed at the object in his hand.

 

Skip glanced down at the long-handled axe in his hand. "Oh great." He looked up into the endless sky. "Is this some kind of a joke?" He yelled.  He received no answer. He dropped his hands to his sides with a clang, then gestured across the poppy field. "After you, good lady."

 

*****

 

"Willow, let go!" Anya shook the witch's hand off in irritation, just to find it replaced by Ethan's. She looked at him with disgust. "You are a creepy man and I'd like for you to go away." She turned to Willow. "Now what are we gong to do?"

 

"Why are you asking me? You're the bossy one."

 

"I am not bossy! I simply voice my opinions. My current point of view is that you are a witch and he is a warlock. Do something..." She glared at Ethan and yanked her hand away from him. "And stop touching me."

 

Ethan was a quivering mess. "I... I can't." he blubbered. "It's so far down."  His eyes were glassy and his breathing shallow.

 

"I think he's afraid of heights."

 

"No kidding Willow!"

 

"There's no need to snap my head off!"

 

"Look, once again we are in trouble, and you're too much of a weenie to get us out."

 

"What do you think I could do anyway?" Willow was becoming completely exasperated. "Teleportation is way beyond me, even if I knew where to send us to. And I don't have any powders or herbs."

 

"You did that floaty thing with Glory."

 

"Floaty thing?"

 

"Yeah! And I've seen you levitate things."

 

"What, you want me to levitate us off this... this... What is this thing anyway?"

 

Anya wrinkled her forehead. "I'm not sure." She turned to the quivering man. "Ethan, what is this thing?"

 

"The heights of hell," he moaned.

 

*****

 

"Papacy, papacy..." Xander muttered word under his breath.

 

"Two more seconds Mr. Harris."

 

"Um..." Xander searched his mind frantically for something, anything.  "Catholic! All the popes have been Catholic and will continue to be..."

 

"Buzz! A deafening sound filled the staged and Dawn screamed as her cage dropped five feet.

 

"Bugger it Harris, you bleedin' idiot!"

 

The crowd cheered wildly.

 

"Question number two: Compare and contrast the structure of the Sumerian Ziggurat to the Egyptian Pyramid."

 

"Huh?"

 

Laughter filled the room.

 

"A ziggurat is a big, um, thing. And it was in, what was the name of that place again? It wasn't in Egypt, but the Pyramids are."

 

"Buzz!" There was more cheering from the crowd, louder this time.

 

Dawn screamed again. "Xander, think!"

 

He looked over to the cages. They were barely clearing the water now. Dawn was crouched in one corner of her cage while Spike was scanning the bars, looking for a possible means of escape. One more wrong answer and Dawn and the vampire would be in the shark tank.

 

"Question number three: Name Freud's three components of personality and describe the purpose they serve.”

 

"Oh boy."

 

*****

 

Tara and Skip continued walking through the poppy field, with the demon occasionally offering a metal-covered arm to assist her over uneven parts of the landscape.

 

“You’re very g… gallant, for a demon.” She smiled at him shyly.

 

“And you’re very intuitive for a human. How did you get hooked up with that crazy group?”

 

“Just lucky, I guess.”

 

Suddenly, the land was cast with dark shadows, and an odd screeching sound came from above. Tara looked up in frightened dismay and moved closer to Skip. “Th… they look like monkeys. And they’re w… wearing pants.”

 

The winged monkeys approached in an ever-narrowing circle, finally forming a ring around the two. A nasty cackle was heard in the distance.

 

“I knew their mistress wouldn’t be far behind.” Skip commented.

 

The witch swooped in and landed in front of them. She lifted her head and Tara saw what had been hidden behind the brim of her pointed black hat.

 

“Willow?”

 

“I’ve found you.” She said, “Now give me what I want.”

 

*****

 

“You are really the most abominable man!” Anya leaned over Ethan. “Stop making those whimpering noises now or she,” she pointed to Willow, “will turn you into a little tadpole and I’ll squish you with my three and a half inch heel.”

 

“If you do that,” he panted, “you’ll never see your precious Rupert again.”

 

“He’s right, Anya.” Willow reasoned with her. “Try to be patient.”

 

“He’s irrational.”

 

“Don’t you remember how you felt at Buffy’s birthday party, when we were all stuck in the house?”

 

“With that horrible demon that cut Xander and the cute guy we brought for Buffy, and she didn't appreciate him even one little bit?”

 

“Yes. Remember, you were all panicky.”

 

“And Xander calmed me down! Willow, I think I know what to do, and you don't even have to use your magic. Sit by him and hold his hand.”

 

“OK. Are you going to hold his other hand?”

 

“Ew! I’m not touching him.”

 

*****

 

Buffy studied Faith as the dark-haired Slayer retreated a few steps and raised her arms in battle-stance.

 

"Bring it on, B.  You know the drill."

 

Buffy began to advance. Then, she realized...

 

"No." Buffy straightened, dropping her arms.

 

"Whattya mean, 'No'," said Faith. "Come on. This is what we do. I punch you. You beat the hell out of me. Good triumphs over evil, yadda yadda yadda, and there is much rejoicing."

 

"And what did that get either of us? You're in a jail cell and I'm in Hell."

 

Faith lowered her hands and gave Buffy a perplexed look.

 

"We don't do this anymore," said Buffy. "There's too much at stake to waste our time on it. So why don't you just go back where you came from."

 

Faith vanished. The cavern seemed empty. Then behind her Buffy heard the sound of two hands clapping.

She whirled toward the sound. Standing there, applauding was a small pasty-faced man in a garish suit and a fedora.

 

"Very nice, kid," he said. "I think you're catching on."

 

"I know you," said Buffy. "I met you at Giles' house. You're a demon."

 

"A balancing demon," said Whistler. "I figured you'd need my help, but looks like you've got this thing under control."

 

Buffy grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket. "Where are my friends?! Where's Giles?!"

 

"Or not. Watch the material, huh?" Buffy released her grip.

 

"Thanks," he said. "Your friends are fine. They have their own stuff to get through. You'll find your Watcher soon enough. But this kind of thing is easier to get into than out of. Just remember what you just told your little Slayer pal."

 

"What was that?"

 

"There's more important things at stake than just who wins the fight."

 

"You mean I shouldn't fight anymore? I'm a Slayer. I have to fight. Faith was right about that."

 

Whistler nodded. "A Slayer always has to fight. The trick comes in knowing who to fight and when. See ya around." He tipped his hat and vanished.

 

*****

 

“Do you have an answer Mr. Harris?”

 

“No.”

 

The chains holding the cages creaked and he could hear Dawn crying.  Spike was spitting out a stream of obscene language that Dawn probably didn’t need to hear.

 

“I can’t do this! I never went to college. I don’t know any college stuff.”

 

The chains stopped moving. “Your answer is correct.”

 

The cages lifted a foot.

 

“I’m an idiot.”

 

The cages lifted again.

 

“And a loser.”

 

Creak

 

“I’ll never amount to a hill of beans and will probably end up being exactly like my father.”

 

Creak, creak

 

“Anya deserves better than me.”

 

Creak

 

“And I’m an opinionated bigot.”

 

“The game is over Mr. Harris. You’ve won.”

 

Loud booing followed the pronouncement.  The cages burst open and Spike jumped out onto a nearby platform, then reached a hand out for Dawn.

 

Xander stood in the same place, unsure of what to do next.

 

“Hey, you stupid git,” Spike called down to him. “If you don’t want to get trampled by the angry mob, you might want to try hurryin’ your bloody arse over here!”

 

Xander turned. There were at least a hundred furious demons bearing down on him.

 

*****

 

“What do you want, Willow?”

 

“What only you can give me.”

 

Tara turned blankly to Skip. “Shoes? Does she want the red shoes?”

 

Skip shrugged.

 

“He doesn’t have one.” Willow sounded scornful.

 

“I beg your pardon?” Skip somehow managed to look offended despite the fact that his face was covered with plates of armor. “I am a fully equipped…”

 

“Tin woodsman!” Tara exclaimed.

 

“No, I’m a…”

 

“You’re the woodsman, and that means that you don’t have a… a heart.”  She turned to Willow. “You want a heart.”

 

“Not ‘a heart’, my pretty. I want your heart.”

 

“But Willow.” Tara glanced frantically around, trying to understand. Suddenly, she did. “Willow. You already have my heart.”

 

The poppies, monkeys, Emerald City, and Willow all faded away.

 

*****

 

Willow and Anya sat on either side of the terrified warlock. Willow grasped his hand firmly.

 

“It’s OK" Anya told him. "This rock is steady.  Look up and imagine you’re sitting on a prairie.”

 

“They don’t have prairies in England Anya.” Willow whispered.

 

“Excuse me! Willow, just be picky, why don't you? Just sit and... touch him. I know what I'm doing.”  Anya forced her voice to be pleasant. “OK Ethan, make it a pasture.  You’re sitting in a pretty green pasture and there is solid earth below you and an endless sky above.”

 

Ethan closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. “Pasture… sky…” he chanted to himself.

 

“That’s right, a pasture and a sky.”

 

Willow frowned. “Do you even know what you're doing?”

 

“Shh!” Anya scolded her. “Ethan, can you see it, the sky?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And can you feel the solid ground?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can you make it so?”

 

“Yes!” Ethan's hand tightened on Willow's, and she felt energy flow into him.

 

Suddenly the three of them were sitting in a lovely green pasture, with nothing above them, but a vivid blue sky.

 

*****

 

Xander turned toward Dawn and Spike and ran as fast as he could.  The demons were right behind him, outraged at being cheated of witnessing a slaughter.  “Help me!” He yelled, thrusting his arm up in the air.  Spike leaned far over the edge and picked Xander up with one arm, depositing him on the ledge.  “Where to now?” he asked.

 

“I think there’s a tunnel over here.” Dawn pointed at a recessed area in the wall.  All three hurried inside it. Spike found a large rock and rolled it across the entrance to block the horde. Xander jammed some smaller rocks around the bottom to anchor it. Dawn looked around. "It's a cave!" she cried in dismay. "We're trapped!"

 

“This isn’t going to hold them back for long.” Spike said.

 

"This isn't fair!" Xander punched the wall. "I had to stand out there and humiliate myself, and now we have to die anyway."

 

“Why did you say those things? And why did they let us go?” Dawn asked.

 

Xander shoulders dropped as he looked down in defeat. “Because they were true. I’ve messed up everything - Anya, my life…”

 

“How can you think that? You just gave up part of yourself to save me.”

 

Spike snorted. “And me too. Ain’t that a kicker?”

 

“No.” Xander said, “I just…”

 

“Xander, you’re the bravest person I know!” Dawn told him. “You fight demons without any kind of super power and you’re always around when I need you.” She hugged him. “You’re always there for all of us.”

 

Xander’s voice was quiet. “Thanks, Dawn.”

 

“And besides,” Spike’s laconic tone broke the mood. “Seems to me that carpentry would be a nice, noble trade for a good Christian boy like you.”

 

The rock blocking the door began to shudder as the demons outside rammed against it.

 

“That’s not going to hold much longer.” Xander observed.

 

Dawn sounded panicked. “What are we going to do?”

 

"Dawn." Spike called to the girl. "Can you hit him with a rock?"

 

"What?" They both asked, shocked.

 

"I can't do it, and I need some blood."

 

"You're hungry? Now?!" Xander scowled at him. "Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?"

 

"Listen nimrod. There are a couple hundred frothing demons at the door wanting some blood. I can make them think it's already gone, but you're gonna have to help me here. Now does Dawn break your nose, or are you gonna make me do it? I’ll get one hell of a migraine, but believe me, it would be worth it. Or..." Spike's eyes widened at a new thought. "I could just throw you out to them. Make you the sacrificial lamb and all."

 

"Hit me Dawn!"

 

She didn't use a rock, just her fist.  It worked well enough.  Xander held his broken nose as blood pumped out through his fingers.  Spike wiped some on his hands and rubbed some on Dawn's neck and around his own mouth, then he morphed into demon face.

 

"Now lay down and try to look dead, both of you. Xander, you can't whimper if you're dead."

 

"My nose!"

 

"It will make you look rugged.  The birds really go for that."

 

Dawn and Xander arranged their bodies on the ground and Spike stood back as the rock gave way and roared.  The demons crowding into the opening jumped back.  They yelled at him in their language, and he answered back in the same.  He showed his fangs and the blood on his hands. He gestured to the bodies.  Finally, disappointed, they turned and crept away. He waited until he was sure they had gone. "You can get up now." He gestured to the opening.  "After you."

 

Dawn walked by him and smiled gratefully, followed by Xander.  Spike leaned in to whisper as he passed. "You know, Harris, you are a nummy treat!"

 

*****