Hello, my name is Wendi. I am the mother of three dearly loved and cherished little boys. My oldest child's name is Colton. He was born on January 13, 1998. My pregnancy wih Colton was picture perfect with not many problems. Colton�s father, Mark, and I have gone threw our ups and downs so we thought that a separation would be for the best. After the separation, I moved out on my own and started a new life for Colton and I.



At that time, I started dating someone new and found out that I was pregnant on September 14, 2003. The pregnancy was not planned and I was in disbelief for days. I was ecstatic and terrified all at the same time. My friends and family have described me to be extremely independent and determined. I, being Ms. Independent, decided to go through the pregnancy unaccompanied. I don�t think I could have made any healthier choice in my life.



Almost immediately, I caught my second wind and gained control of my life all over again. I looked forward to all of my doctor�s visits just so I could see my baby by means of ultrasound and listen to the little heart beat through the Doppler. Unexpectedly, things started to occur that I had not experienced in my pregnancy with Colton.



At the end of November of 2002, I woke up at 4 am with some bleeding. I remembered reading about people having some bleeding so I did not get myself distressed until it continued on to 6 am. At that time, I decided to pick up the phone and call my Doctor. Fortunately, my doctor was on call that weekend and she called me back instantly after getting the page. She requested that I stay on bed rest until she could see me in the office that Monday, as there was no cramping or real heavy bleeding. I did as she told me and made an appointment with her at 8:30 am that Monday morning.



Monday morning came and I went to my appointment as planned. While I was in her office she did an exam and she also did an ultra sound to make sure my baby still had a heartbeat. My baby�s heart was beating away just fine, but she still seemed a little disturbed that she couldn�t find the cause why I was bleeding. So she sent me to the specialist within her group to do a complete ultra sound and to have some lab work done. While laying on the table watching the specialist look over everything about my baby I read everything she typed on every single image. The specialist said she could not discuss with me what she found and that my doctor would need to see me again before I left. At that moment I felt something was wrong. I tried to keep myself calm. I waited in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and then my doctor called me back. She had begun to tell me that I had an abruption on my placenta, which could cause it to separate from the uterine wall. She also explained that my placenta was on top of the cervix, which made it dangerous for my baby and me. She asked that I remain on bed rest for 2 weeks. She said she would call me as soon as my lab work came back. she also mentioned that she wanted me to go see a high-risk doctor to see if my placenta has healed and if it has pulled up away from the cervix. I did as she asked, but still was not to thrilled with the idea. I knew then and there I was going to be bored to tears, and that I was.



While on bed rest I noticed the bleeding had stopped. I counted down everyday of the 2 weeks and it seemed as if it was a time without an end. Finally the day of my 19-week marker had arrived and I was going to a new doctor that had familiarity in these types of situations. I did as they said and didn�t eat and drank lots of water before 8 am. My appointment was at 10 am so by that time I had the most unpleasant feeling in the world. Finally I was called back and they let me go to the restroom since I was in discomfort. After that the nurse began the Ultrasound to look for the abruption and low-lying placenta. The nurse couldn�t find anything, but the fact that I was having a baby BOY! She had called the Doctor in to look and tell me the news. He then told me that the abruption had healed and that my placenta has pulled away from the cervix. He explained to me that I should still remain on extremely light duty and consider altering my hours to part time. He also reminded me to always take time during the day to stop and rest or lay down for 30- 45 minutes.



I went back to work immediately after my appointment. While on my way back to work, I called my friends and family to inform them about my thrilling information that everything was back to normal and going to have a baby boy! All my co-workers gave me a genuine heartfelt welcome back and was stunned to see how much larger I was all in 2 weeks time. All my co-workers were just as thrilled as I was when I told them I was having a baby boy. Right away my family friends and I started deciding on the picture perfect little boy�s name. We all had come up with Hayden Paul, Chance Edward, Mason Jude, Trace Adam and Nathaniel Lee.



Things were moving along very well and my little one was always moving around to prove he was still there. I had completed my gift registry and began to communicate with my Best Friend Kasey about the best date for my Baby Shower. Upon finding out I was expecting she asked if she could throw my baby shower. I figured why not? She is my best friend and she was going to be my babies God Mother.



Out of the blue on January 3, 2003 I felt some cramping and noticed I was bleeding again. So right away I left work and went to the Doctor. My Doctor was out so I had to schedule an appointment with the midwife. She did my exam and asked if I had any back pain. I told her yes, I did, and that I had also been getting a very sharp pain in my left hip when ever I would try to get up from laying down or sitting too long. She said that I was carrying my baby in my hips and that he was probably pinching a nerve in my left hip. She ran some tests and found that I had a bladder infection. She prescribed me some meds and told me to go home, rest all weekend and if I felt better and the bleeding stopped; I could go back to work on Monday. Once again, bed rest it was. Over the weekend I noticed that the pain and bleeding had stopped so I went on to work that Monday.



On Tuesday, January 7, 2003, I started to have excruciating contractions while at work. The contractions were so hard that I called my sisters, Glenda and Brenda, at work. Brenda told me she thought I was in labor. It was too soon! I did not want to believe it so I decided to pay no attention to it and wrap up my day, pick up Colton from Daycare and go home.



That night I made a small dinner for Colton that night, took Tylenol and was in bed by 8 pm, which was early for me. I woke up Wednesday, January 8, 2003 at 12:30 am experiencing more of the identical contractions. I took more Tylenol and tried to rest. The pain wasn�t going away so I sat on the Internet reading of what might help. I had read to take a warm bath so I filled my tub full and go into it. I stayed there for approximately 15 minutes. That did not work with lessening the pain so I decided to lay down with a heating pad. Finally about 4 a.m. I made the call to the Doctor. She timed my contractions over the phone and told me she needed me to find a way to get to the Hospital ASAP because it sounded to her as if I was in labor. I called my mother and I called Kasey to let them know I was going to drive myself. My mother tried to talk me out of it, but I wouldn�t listen to her. My mother, my sisters and most of my closest friends lived 45 minutes to an hour away and I did not have that time to wait. I tried calling Colton�s father to get him to take Colton and that did not happen, as expected. So it left me with no other option, but to call his father�s sister. Stacey took Colton and offered to drive me in, but I refused. Remember, I am Ms. Independent.



I arrived at Seton Hospital shortly after 6 am. They, without delay, hooked me up and tested me for everything, as well as to see if my water had broken. The test strips came back positive, but there was no gush of fluids. My doctor told me that I may have a slow leak somewhere and she wanted to do an exam. After she had finished, she told me she had terrible news. I instantaneously broke down in tears as she had told me I was 100% effaced and I was 3 CM. I asked if it was too late for the stitch and she advised there was not anything we could do from here, but wait and hope I could make it 2 more weeks in the hospital so that my baby had a possibility of surviving. That was when I made my phone calls to everyone else to tell then the horrible news.



I refused all pain drugs because I did not want to promote labor. Finally after hours of unbearable pain my Aunt Marie and my babies Grandmother Wanda talked me into getting a shot of Demerol so I would relax a little. At 23 weeks, the contractions had caused enough dialation that delivery was unavoidable. My family, friends and I had talked with several specialists from the NICU who discussed the risks of starting life at only 23 weeks gestation. We were told that my baby had little or no chance of survival, his lungs wouldn't function, he would be unable to eat on his own, he wouldn't be able to maintain his body heat. And even if by some miracle he did survive, his chances of leading a life anywhere near normal were practically nothing. I had to think about my baby living a short life attached to machines, the pain of IV needles, blood transfusions, feeding tubes and I just couldn't handle that thought. I was not going to put my baby through all that because of my own selfishness. So I signed the appropriate papers and opted against life support. At times I still wonder if I made the right choice.



About 5 p.m., my water had busted and fluids went everywhere. I knew at that moment that I was having my baby that day and there was not anything to stop it so I requested the epidural. At 6:27 p.m., I asked that the nurse come in because I felt pressure. She had my Doctor do another exam. The Doctor said she needed to go change and she would be back to deliver my baby. As soon as she walked out I felt my baby coming so the Nurse had to grab my Doctor back into the room because he was coming right at that moment. My baby was delivered alive at 6:30 p.m. on January 8, 2003. He weighed in at 1 lb. 2 oz. and was 11 3/4 inches long. He was exactly like his father in every way besides the little peach fuzz blond hair on his head.



When he was born, he let out a single cry before falling silent. He wiggled a bit and then was still. The doctor left the room, the nurses cried, and we all held him and gazed at him. The nurse came in the room every few minutes to listen for a heartbeat. The priests came in to bless him and when they asked for a name I blurted out Joshua Luke. At 8:50 pm that night his little heart couldn�t hold up and took its final beat, which was the most awful feeling in the world. For the first time in my life I felt as if I failed as a mother. All my dreams were crushed and I was lost.



I stayed in the Hospital for a few days and my friends and family were there and never left my side. I made the decision, with the support of my sister Traci, to let my oldest son come spend time with his baby brother. Colton reacted well with Joshua, but could not understand why he would not able to come home. I had to put in plain words to Colton that Joshua was now an Angel in heaven with his Mimi and they would watch over us and protect us.



Then came, Saturday, January 11, 2003, which was time to go home without my baby. If it had not been for my best friend�s support during my release, I don�t know what I would have done. I remember as we pulled out of the Hospital we were listening to the radio and the song by Lonestar �Not a Day Goes By� and I buried my face in my hands and cried.



My babies death was ruled out as incompetent cervix. The following Monday after my release, January 13th (Colton�s Birthday) I received a call from my doctor. She said she had been reviewing my records and each sonogram picture and she did not think that was the case. She said she truly believed that I had developed an extremely rare and dangerous condition called Vasa Previa.



I did not know it then, but Vasa Previa can be detected by using a special type of ultrasound. Doctors don�t generally look for this condition due to it only happening once in every 2,000 to 3,000 pregnancies. I was one of the cases never tested. Warning signs of this condition are bleeding, a low-lying placenta or Placenta Previa.



Every since my loss I have changed the way I live my life. I have learned to look at the positive instead of the negative. I have also learned that being selfish doesn�t help you excel in life. Giving to somebody means more to me now than being in receipt of and talking about Joshua makes the grieving path much easier.



There are days I still cry and I still think about all of the �what ifs�. I have learned to overcome my feelings of hurt by remembering my son was born into a room of people who loved him very much. Sadly enough left that same room, with the same people, and many eyes full of tears to be in a better place. That better place is Heaven, where he was greeted by his cousins Warren and Draven. I am positive he has received his wings and halo and will forever protect his Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents, Big Brother, Little Brother, Father and I.



Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms and will forever carry his memory in my heart!!!