092002Normally, I don’t write entries like this. I just want to take the time to thank everyone that has either e-mailed, IMed, or called to let me know they care. I knew I had great friends, and this reinforced it completely. Even now, over a week later, people are still checking up to see how I’m doing and offering their time if I simply need someone to talk to. I love each and every one of you and can’t thank you enough for your never-ending support. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had my life planned out. I just like it better that way. I’m no fan of surprises. So with the curveball I was thrown recently, "my life got flipped turned upside down," to quote the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And even though it was crazy for a while, each one of you, in your own way, helped to keep me calm and sane in my time of crisis. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys rule. And to answer any lingering questions, yes, we broke up. 091002As I set the phone down in its cradle, I could feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes. Not that I hadn’t been crying sporadically throughout the whole conversation, but the act of hanging up the phone is, to me, quite a finality. I didn’t know if this was the last time I’d talk to him on the phone, the last time I’d hear him say "I love you." I didn’t know; very ironic coming from a girl who just listened to her boyfriend of 2 ½ years tell her that he "doesn’t know" if he still wants to be together for over an hour on the phone. My world was falling apart. I headed back to my bed, sat down on the edge, and it all came barreling out. My whole body was shaking, my sobs echoing into the empty room. I need to stop, I kept telling myself, what good will crying do? I momentarily calmed myself down enough to retrieve my roommate from the living room, whom I had exiled during the conversation. "Is there anything I can do?" Liz helpfully asked me, a look of sheer sympathy encompassing her face. The only response I could manage was a head shake no, for the words could not come. Words that, in themselves, don’t carry much meaning, but when used in a situation like this, carry as much punch as a hurtling city bus. I wanted to be alone, yet wanted someone there for me at the same time. My head spun as I tried to remember all that had been said between us. I had hoped it would never come to this. After recounting all that I could to Liz, I had loosened up somewhat. I knew getting myself worked up was no answer, but it seemed quite rational at the time. It was getting late, nearing midnight, and my body yearned for sleep. Yet I was fully awake; not from caffeine or sugar, but from the emotional roller coaster I was enduring. I couldn’t sleep. I needed to scream. I needed to cry. I needed to talk to Cory. I wondered if I got down and begged on my knees if he’d reconsider. His answer of "I don’t know" was so bone-chilling, I thought I’d never wake up from this living nightmare. He didn’t know he if wanted to be with me, or with someone else. I couldn’t believe my boyfriend, my Cory, through which we’ve shared so many memories, so much laughter, so much love, was seriously contemplating ending it all. We met on a class band trip to London and Paris when we were in 11th grade. It wasn’t love at first sight, but the more I spent time with him, the more I learned what a great person he was. We gradually grew closer and closer, ending our trip with a kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I knew I’d found a keeper. Fast forward to the present. The love is still there, but something else is missing. I want to try with all my body and soul to get back to the place where we started. I know that the something we had can’t be extinguished. It’s still there, but it’s been buried and we’ll both have to work to resuscitate it. I know I can do that. The love that I feel for Cory will never die out. I am willing to work at it because I know it’s something worth working at. I just don’t think he wants to give me the chance. It seems he wants to give up without another round. That is what hurts most of all.
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