102104There is a ring I used to wear every day. I received it as a gift this past Christmas and treasured it like my own child, taking it off only when I slept and showered. Recently, my finger began to itch around the ring. Upon removing it, I noticed a red line where the band has been. I appeared to be developing a rash. Thinking the ring might have something on it giving me an allergic reaction, I didn�t wear it for two days. The rash began to subside, so I put the ring back on. When I woke up the following morning, I noticed my finger itched: The rash was back. The odd thing is, I wore this ring every day from December until October with no problems. It never bothered me, especially in the rash-devloping department. It fit well, it sparkled in the sun � in short, it was perfect. I began rotating a one-day-on, one-day-off cycle with the ring. Like clockwork, each morning I�d arise from a day of wearing the ring, there�d be a little red line where the band sat on my finger. With each morning of no ring action, my finger would be clear. It was as if my hand was pulling a trick on me. I started to think of all the places I�d worn my ring, which turned into a list of every place I�d gone since Christmas. It was impossible to determine the cause of my sudden ring rash. Then it dawned on me: The ring, a gift from Jake, began iritating my skin the day our relationship began to crumble. Trust me, this is no farce or figment of my imagination. If you ask, I�ll remove my hand from my pocket and show you my badge of proof. At first I thought I was going crazy. I showed it to Jake the day we broke up. His eyes widened. �Whoa�that�s weird,� he said when I removed the ring and flung my finger in his face. �What do you think it means?� I�ve asked myself the same question. Was it a sign? Did my finger have the ability to look into the future and was preparing my body to rid itself of the ring? Did I get some odd strain of bacteria that strategically latched onto my silver band at the time of my Jake break-up? Now, I ask you: What do you think it means? 101704Every object in my room reminds me of Jake, even the ones that have nothing to do with him. There�s the tennis racquet I have push-pinned to my wall. He was into tennis for a few weeks this past summer, so I convinced my mom to give me one of her old racquets in the hope he�d ask me to play with him. There�s the fan next to my bed, which reminds me of all the hot, muggy hours I spent in his old house, complaining about the lack of air conditioning. There�s the tube of mint ChapStick on my desk. Because of my sick obsession with the lip product, I bought some �for Jake� and put them in his desk should a ChapStick need arise when I wasn�t at my house. There�s the obvious items. A Tiffany�s bag my Christmas present came in. A rock from Montana he found at the top of a mountain. A �Nemo� clownfish statue he picked up for me in Key West. And, of course, my cherished black and white picture of us, taken shortly after we started dating. It hangs in a frame above my bed, flanked by a pom pom from New Year�s Eve in Times Square. Whenever I start to feel bad, I simply look at that picture and it all melts away. To me, that picture represents supreme happiness, something I�d like to regain, be it with Jake or with another guy. For now, I�ll have to settle for being happy on my own. Too bad I don�t want to.
--- I�m here without you, baby
Here Without You, 3 Doors Down 101604Removed. 101004It just gets difficult sometimes. I love you and I want to be with you...but I can't, so I start to feel like this: There's three in the hall
Holes
Holes, Rascal Flatts 100704I feel a bit silly that I posted the entry below. I spent the night before sitting in Jake�s room, listening in part horror, part disbelief to my boyfriend tell me he didn�t know what he wanted out of our relationship anymore. Hearing him utter those three words have I come to hate, �I don�t know,� I thought back to my previous long-term relationship break-up. I spent a similar fall night listening to Cory tell me he didn�t know if he still wanted to be with me. I�ve come to think I�ve got the unsettling misfortune of picking the wrong boyfriends. As I sit here four days after the Sunday night �we need to talk� incident, I burn my tongue on ramen noodles and it hits me again that I�m single, as of today. I woke up this morning, decided I was too emotionally upset to attend class and called Jake. When he got home, I marched the two-some blocks to his house and tried to talk, but inevitably turned into a mascara-dripping, can�t-hold-the-tears-back girlfriend. I walked to his house with the full intent of breaking up with him on the spot, yet once I sat on his bed and looked into his eyes, I couldn�t do it. But it was already too late. Between doing well in his classes and spending more time with his friends, which I believe to be a code phrase for hanging out with other girls, he doesn�t have time for me. It stings to the core of my soul. I detest not knowing what�s beyond the horizon, yet I find myself in that place over and over again. That must be life�s way of telling me to change. I guess I�m not meant to live with predictability, but it�s hard for me to see how to flip side can be fun. I�ve already wasted too much time agonizing over this relationship. If Jake can pull me aside and say he doesn�t want a girlfriend, I can pull life aside and say, �F you in the mouth. We need to do something different.� Here I go. 100404My roommate from freshman year got married Friday. She called Monday and left a message on my cell phone telling me of the event. Upon listening, I immediately called my current roommate and we screamed our disbelief and excitement at each other for five minutes. We threw her a bachelorette party Thursday and attended the ceremony the next day. The entire week was devoted to Rachel�s transition to a Mrs. This got me thinking a lot about relationships and love. Watching the happy couple gaze at one another over coconut shrimp bites and french fries made me realize that I am nowhere close to getting married. Like thousands of girls around the world, I�d love to have a sparkly new piece of jewelry to show off to my friends, but I�m not ready for the commitment that comes behind it. Jake and I have been dating for one-and-a-half years today. We have a great relationship and we love each other very much, but we�re nowhere near the marriage or even engagement stage. We both like to go out and have a good time sans one another. We value our alone time. We both know that once you make the commitment, it�s forever, and forever after only one-and-a-half years is pretty hard to picture. What I can picture is what I want out of life. The more I talk to people about graduation and what comes next, the more I realize how important family is to me. I don�t see myself heading to New York City in search of the perfect fashion magazine job, much to others' dismay. What I think about is buying a two-story house with a big yard that my kids and dogs can play in. Not in a year, but maybe five or so down the road. I don�t see myself becoming a woman that picks raising kids over holding a job, but wanting a family does rank high with me. And being in a place where I can give my children a backyard and a nice school and neighborhood friends is very important. As far as I know, that place is not in New York City. I know I�m not ready to settle down, but when the time comes, I have a good idea of what I want. Luckily for me, Jake fits into the picture really well, but don�t tell him I said anything, okay?
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