102002At the beginning of eighth grade, one of my really good friends died. Everyone knew it was only a matter of time before she did, but when it happened, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. For some time after her death, certain days would bring me to tears. The one-month anniversary. Christmas. Her birthday. Those days made it feel like she died all over again. It was one of the most horrible things I�ve ever experienced. Now, six years later, I sit at my desk uncontrollably crying, but for a different reason. Today would have been the two and half year anniversary of my relationship with Cory. But it�s not. He broke up with me over a month ago. Usually I�m okay with it, but then something like this day comes up and I�m a wreck all over again. I know I�m overreacting, but I can�t help it. A war of epic proportions is constantly being fought between my heart and my head. My heart wants nothing more than to be his girlfriend again. I can�t even put into words how much I still love him. But then my head kicks in and starts yelling at me. "What are you doing? He broke your heart. He�s a jerk. You need to stay away from him." I can�t do it though. I�m not strong enough. I don�t know what to do. For being broken up, we sure don�t act like it. I see him every weekend, and these encounters usually end in sleepovers. I go into it thinking we�re just going to hang out and that�s that, we�re friends, nothing will happen. Inevitably, things do happen. Every time. It totally screws with my common sense. I go into this disillusioned state of mind where I actually start to believe we�re going to get back together. But then the morning comes. The goodbyes have turned almost awkward. No hugs. Nothing. Just, "have a good day." I know I shouldn�t be acting this way. Yes, we�re friends, so we do need to hang out. But our degree of "friendly" is not right. I feel like I�m being led on and being used. He broke up with me, so he shouldn�t be acting the way he does. It makes me wonder if he still wants to be with me, but just doesn�t want to be "committed." Even if that is true, it�s not fair to me. He knows I still want to be with him, so is he, plain and simple, taking advantage of me? I avoid situations with guys that simply want to go out only to score. Why then am I acting differently with Cory? Isn�t what he�s doing to me almost the same? I know what I�m doing is wrong, but I can�t do anything to stop it. I know every time he invites me to do something, I�ll drop whatever I�m in the middle of and go with him. It sounds pathetic, but I can�t help it. He was my world for almost two and a half years. There is no way I could erase him from memory, but I do need to erase the relationship part. I figure all I�ve gotten rid of is the top part of the R. I�ve got a long way to go. This could take a while. --- I don�t consider myself to be single. I like to think of my situation as being in Relationship Purgatory; trapped somewhere in between heaven and hell. 100302Every color under the rainbow was visible down the table-lined street. The bright reds, greens, and yellows stood out in contrast to the monotonous greys and blacks of the surrounding office buildings. In the crisp autumn air, the scent of roses, strawberries, and green peppers, to name a few, periodically wafted past my nostrils. It was Thursday, Market Day, on Nicollet Mall and vendors were selling their wares as far as the eye could see. I strolled past one table brimming with buckets and buckets of freshly plucked flowers. Simply perusing the flora caused an intoxicating mix of aromas to entice me into purchasing a bouquet or two. I had to hold back - there were four more blocks to cover. I sauntered towards a vegetable and fruit stand. The merchants, looking ready to brave the elements on a cold winter�s day, were bundled in multiple layers of clothing, barely brandishing enough fingers to bag their produce and collect money. One seemingly rowdy man approached every on-looker, questioning them on their impending purchase. "You want those grapes? $2! What a deal!" I couldn�t pull my eyes away from the delicious array of fruit, yet I needed to run or face harassment myself. "Oh lady, you look hungry," I heard him say, hastily approaching my side. I shook my head and backed away quickly. After viewing the endless tables of baked good and fresh produce, I couldn�t head home empty-handed. The allure of Market Day had infested my body. With the cold weather fast approaching, I knew the availability of freshly picked goods was numbered. I had to seize this opportunity to support my fellow farmer, all the while scoring something at an exceptionally cheap price. I found myself unable to resist the appeal of the countless blooms. One dozen roses for $10. My eyes lit up at the colors exploding before me. Crimson, magenta, goldenrod, lilac. I was overwhelmed with beauty. I caught sight of an odd color in one of the buckets. The misfits, poking through the sea of reds and pinks, were the color of autumn, the color of fallen leaves, the color of pumpkins. They were so vibrant and full of life; I couldn�t allow them to waste away. I exchanged my crisp $10 bill for the twelve beautifully colored roses. Raising the bouquet to my noise, I deeply inhaled their perfumed petals and took in the sweet scent of a new season. 100102I�d been told over and over that I�d change my mind a thousand times in college. I was actually naive enough to believe that wouldn�t be the case; that is, until something changed and caused my entire world to begin revolving in a different way. I�d had the same plan for a while. After I graduated from college, I was going to move to New York City, get a nice apartment, a pug dog, and a job writing for Cosmopolitan. I would make lots of money and be able to afford a shopping spree on Fifth Avenue whenever I was in the mood. I would live the New Yorker life glamorized in various movies and television shows. After I graduate from college, I want to stay in the area, get a nice town home (hopefully with someone special) and a job with either Mpls St Paul Magazine or Minnesota Bride. I want to make enough money to be able to afford my first car and to supply my abode with items that aren�t hand-me-downs. I want to continue the life I have here because this is who I am. I am a neat freak who loves to clean, but cannot cook.
I am a girl that realized what she�s looking for is right where she left it.
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