051306
“Who’s that?” I asked Sarah Klaphake.
“Oh, her? That’s Alexa. She’s a junior and wanted to get more involved.”
“Hmm,” I answered. I looked the pony-tailed girl up and down. “She must care if she got up this fucking early.”
We met in a Caribou Coffee before the sun came up. I’d recruited SPJ members to help me hawk newspapers for a fundraiser; she was the only non-officer who showed up. Who knows what motivated her to come that day, but I’m glad she did. The past two years have been infinitely more fun with Alexa Trussoni in my life.
I hope that days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go.
And if you’re faced with a choice and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walking ‘till you find the window.
If it’s cold outside,
Show the world the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything, more than anything...
My wish, for you,
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
And wants the same things, too.
Yeah, this is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you in the place you left.
I hope you always forgive and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake,
And always give more than you take.
Oh, more than anything, yeah, more than anything...
My wish, for you,
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
And wants the same things, too.
Yeah, this is my wish.
I’ll miss you, Alexa. Good luck in Iowa.
050906
I glanced at the digital clock on the dashboard. I'd spent almost one hour in a blue Super Shuttle van circling midtown Manhattan. There was an assortment of Europeans sitting behind me: two German men, a female senior citizen who appeared to be from Spain and two women from Finland... or maybe Sweden. Apparently, this kind of transportation came highly recommended for the non-English-speaking set.
I sighed and looked out the window, taking in my last glimpses of New York. Bryant Park. The MoMA. Times Square. They all passed in a flash as the driver sped down the narrow streets, dodging both cars and pedestrians. Suddenly, a sea of purple gown flooded the front of the Time Life building. It was an NYU graduating class - probably master's candidates, since they appeared much older than your average undergraduates. I marveled at the people, at the city, all it had to offer and could think of only one thing: I wanted to go home.
I missed Minneapolis. I missed being able to walk down the streets in a Twins shirts and not get dirty looks. I missed people inherently knowing what "MPLS" means. I missed random greetings from random strangers. I missed $2 beers. I missed free parking and bearable traffic, the green grass and blue, sparkling river. But most of all, I missed the people. My people.
I couldn't have timed it any better. At that moment, the soft rock station cooing from the van's speakers began playing a familiar melody. I smiled at my good timing.
Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I want to go home
May be surrounded by a million people
I feel all alone
Just want to go home
Oh I miss you, you know
050306
There's something about a tulip that radiates spring...
050206
When this song first hit the airwaves, I wasn't the biggest fan. Sure, I downloaded it and learned the words because I love everything to do with Rascal Flatts, but there was something about it that didn't hit home.
Now I get it.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
050106
I've been through this twice already, so by those standards, I'm an old pro. However, I'm slowly but surely learning it doesn't get any easier.
I'm single. Yet again. I'm still not entirely sure how it happened. I remember a phone call, a drive in the rain and a lot of crying. Then, poof, I wake up this morning and something doesn't feel right.
I made the changes on Facebook and MySpace. I edited my computer screen saver. I even switched the frame on my nightstand for another candle. But it still doesn't seem real. A part of me expects to get an e-mail during the day and a phone call after work. I'll get those things, right? Yesterday was just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dream, right?
So this is what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of you. Sure, I've been through this twice already, but this time was different. This time... I didn't see an end in sight. Not that anyone goes into a relationship knowing it'll end eventually, but as we get older, there's a voice inside that says to you, "This may be your last first kiss." 22 is too young for me, but in time, 22 turns into 26 or 27 and then it's not so unrealistic anymore.
But I digress.
Today, I'm numb. I woke up and squinted at the clock. 7:59 a.m. 11 hours until Court of Awards. 11 hours to shower, buy some juice and cookies, and prepare the girls' awards for tonight. 11 hours in Burnsville, away from AIM and Gmail and any direct reminders that I had someone in my life for the past 8 months who's suddenly gone. It's almost like he died in a way. He and everyone else I'd met. Poof. Gone.
I had a dream last night that Alexis was alive. I was outdoors somewhere - in a park, maybe - and I turned the corner of a pavallion and there she was, looking older and prettier than I remembered. I said hello and she gave me one of those looks like, "What have you been smoking? Of course I'm alive. Always have been and always will be." It left me thinking that no one really ever leaves us. If we want them to, they can stay in our hearts and in our minds forever, long after our last encounter has faded into oblivion.
Oh, cut the sappy bullshit. I just had my heart broken for the third time in four years. And it sucks. I'm sick of being with guys who supposedly give it their all, only to puss out when the going gets tough. Just because I think about the future doesn't mean I'm going to cut out pictures of rings and decorate your house with them.
I'm not one of them and you know it.