052504"Lyndon loved everybody, and a little bit more than half the world is women...[but] I do know he loved me most."
052404�I love women. I wish there were men that were more like women. Oh wait, that would be gay men. That�s why I�m gay!�
051904When your boyfriend is three hours away and your roommate is having a sleepover with her man and you're lonely, it's comforting to know you've got memories that will keep you warm at night. 051704As I looked at him, sitting in the basket chair staring off into space, tears formed in my eyes. He looked upset, confused, and yet surprisingly calm at the same time. I tried replaying what I had just said to him, but my mind was blank. All I could think about was how fast my heart was beating at that moment. I started to speak, but changed my mind at the last minute. He looked my way, his eyes straining to know what I was about to say. I looked down at my feet and could feel his gaze move back towards the wall. This whole time, one thought was running through my head: I can�t do it. I had planned all day what I was going to say and how I would say it. I had talked to numerous friends and they all stood behind my decision, some even giving me advice on how to go about doing it. I had listened to the angriest MP3s I had on my computer, mentally psyching myself up for what I was about to do. Yet as I sat on my black futon in the living room of my off-campus apartment staring into the face of the one I love, I couldn�t do it. All day Sunday, I had convinced myself that there was one way to deal with our situation. It wasn�t until Jake was sitting in the basket chair that I realized what that was: We needed to stay together. My heart never fully agreed with the decision to break up with him. It was a manifestation of my anger, my loneliness, and my confusion. �I love you� was stuck on repeat in my head. That was all I needed to snap me out of my comatose state and open my eyes to what was in front of me. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jake came over and sat down next to me, wrapping his arms around my emotionally drained body. I leaned my head on his shoulder and sucked in a deep breath. Closing my eyes, I could feel my heart began to slow. �I love you,� I whispered to him. �I love you, too, baby.� ---
051604I love your cowlicks.
I love that we're not giving up on each other. 051504I'm not afraid to say it: My updates have been falsely optimistic lately. I write about how I�ve been too paranoid and that it�s all in my head. That�s not the truth, though. The honest truth is, since the night of April 30th, my relationship has sucked. I�ve turned into an emotional basket case. If I�m left alone for too long, I�ll start replaying conversations in my head or thinking about something Jake did. Before long, I�m sitting on the bathroom floor with Kleenex stuffed into my eyes to prevent my shirt from getting wet with tears. I even managed to make myself physically sick. That, combined with a diet and an overall loss of my appetite, caused me to lose 10 pounds in three days. How�s that for emotional basket case? I don�t know what to do. Jake said he needs time, but it�s incredibly, gut-wrenchingly hard for me to sit here and think about him spending time with another girl. I�m not the type of person that is okay with a situation like that. It�s not fair that he can have his cake and eat it, too. The bitch in me wishes she never came to this school; however, the girlfriend in me believes that if I stick around long enough, things will go back to normal. That's the side that usually wins. He says he needs to figure out if I�m the one. I never said we had to get married. I simply enjoy spending time with him. We had a great year together and it�s a shame to let all that go to waste over a �what if� situation. I hope he comes around and sees that what we have is worth holding onto. And if he doesn�t�prepare for more of the emotional basket case. 051204I glanced at the clock behind me. 11:03 a.m. and I was sitting in my pajamas, wrapped in a blanket and eating a bowl of plain oatmeal. My head bobbed to the beat of �Suga Suga� by Baby Bash. I looked over at Liz�s empty desk, her closed computer reminding me of the few sounds I heard of her getting ready for work this morning. The song changed on my playlist. �This year�s love had better last�� met my ears and made me smile. This year�s love had better last
There is something about the song by David Gray that makes me forget everything that�s going on. Whenever I hear it, I close my eyes and I�m instantly somewhere else. I first noticed it at the end of an episode of Dawson�s Creek and fell in love with the song. I put it on a CD and listened to it with Jake. �Wow, I really like this song,� he said as heard the crooned lyrics, the smooth violins, the soft piano. He looked at me and whispered �This year�s love had better last�� I could feel the tears form as I smiled back at him and lightly kissed his cheek. Turning circles when time again
We both know most of the words and when it comes on in Jake�s car or over one of our computer speakers, we�ll quietly sing along, our voices barely audible. Driving back on one of the many trips to Wisconsin, I put in a mix CD Jake had made. To my surprise, �This Year�s Love� came on. I beamed as I turned to express my joy, but he was already looking at me. He reached for my left hand, pulled it onto the armrest, and entwined his fingers in mine. Before turning his gaze back to the road, he squeezed my hand. �This year�s love had better last�� surrounded me in his beat-up Jeep. I sighed as I turned towards the window and watched the moonlight flicker off of the rolling hills and wide-open pastures. When you kiss me
This year�s love had better last
�and I know it will 051104The real me is a northern girl with her sweatpants on and an open heart
I can let my hair down
You speak and it's like a song
I can let my hair down
Come and take me
I can let my hair down
- Jessica Simpson 051004Aidan: Well, it's a love seat. It's two types of wood from two different trees. They blend together and make it stronger, just like...
- Sex and the City 050704The past few days have been a little crazy for me. I�ve experienced feelings that I had over a year ago, ones I never wished would come back. Because of that, I�ve done a lot of thinking in this time. Here�s what I�ve come up with: I need to stop worrying. It will only give me more wrinkles when I�m older. I am 20. Jake is 20. It does not matter how many kids we�ll have or how big our backyard will be. What matters is that we�re together, now. We�ve been together for a while, too: 13 months and counting. It shouldn�t come as a surprise to me that we may be getting too comfortable. Recently, another person came into the picture. With this, I got extremely freaked out. I convinced myself that I had nothing to give in the relationship and I was going to get broken up with. I became a nervous wreck, constantly wondering where he was and what he was doing. It drove me crazy. On Tuesday night, I had a dinner to go to. Jake was my guest, so I figured the night could go two ways: bad or badder. Much to my amazement, I had a good time. When we were eating, I�d glance at him. Watching him clean every last speck of food off his plate made smile. That was the Jake I know and love. The rest of the night went well, including my trip to watch his hockey scrimmage. I ended up going back to his place and spending the night�an amazing night, I may add. So with all that in mind, I�ve come to the conclusion that I need to stop worrying. I am the one that saw the ball drop in Times Square. I am the one that cheered at intramural hockey games. I am the one that sleeps on the baseball pillow. I am the one in this relationship. Jake can have friends. He could hang out with super models all day long, for all I care. The only thing that matters is I�m the one he�s calling to spend the night and I need to remember that. I should not be jealous. I should not get nervous. I need to let him live his life because we�re only 20. We�re not married. Things like this have never bothered me before, so why am I letting them bother me now? I may be one of a multitude of girl friends, but I am the only girlfriend.
|