Mary

                             Confessions of a Mother

   I carried you within me as you grew
   Remembering the first movements
   Of your tiny body inside of mine
   I was filled with awe and wonder at your birth
   It was then I learned the true meaning of happiness

   I held you to my breast when you hungered
   To my body when you cried
   In my arms to gently rock you to sleep
   Watching those shining eyes
   and innocent smiles
   It was then I learned the true meaning of love

   Without warning you were torn from my life
   Leaving behind a void
   Filled with anguish and pain
   As if my insides were ripped away
   Replaced by numbness and fear
   It was then I learned the true meaning of emptiness

   You grew up without me in your life
   Your childhood belonged to someone else
   The mother daughter bond was severed
   You were robbed of my love
   And I yours
   It was then I learned the true meaning of loss

   I met a young adult at the airport that day
   A mirror image of myself
   I felt the distance as I hugged you
   The first time in sixteen years
   You weren't "mine" anymore
   It was then I learned the true meaning of pain

   I need for you to love me but you stand just out of reach
   Always that safe distance between us
   Strangers in so many ways as the years go by
   I want to be there when you need someone
   but I have lost the path to your heart
   Wandering in a strange place feeling lost and alone
   It is now, with sadness, that I learn -
   I don�t know how to love you.

   Posted 3/10/02

                                            Sanctuary

    I arrived on that hot July afternoon,
    spirit broken, dreams shattered.
    Numb from the pain left by years of
    physical abuse and neglected feelings,
    in need of a place to lick my wounds and heal.
    I lay in bed that night, sobbing uncontrollably into a pillow.
    Sleep finally came.

    Morning arrives, and I walked to the window
    to take my first look at a fresh new world.
    A deer emerged from the woods beyond the pole barn
    to graze upon crops planted in long perfect rows,
    trailing off into the horizon.
    My mind began to calm.

    Wandering outside to the corral
    I sat on the ground "Indian style"
    watching as the goats playfully challenged each other,
    amused at their utter disregard of my presence there.
    I filled my lungs with fresh air, warm and sweetened
     by meadows filled with wildflowers.
    My body relaxed.

    Walking through the moist soil
    under row after row of bean crop,
    I came across a path leading deep into the woods
    lined with elderberry trees and wild raspberry bushes.
    Fingers and mouth stained as I picked and ate,
    leaving little behind for those that dwelled there.
    I filled with content.

    Evening finds me sitting on the steps of the back porch
    staring at the fireflies performing their nocturnal ballet of lights.
    While crickets sound the heartbeat of the night,
    a soft breeze whispers its lullaby through the trees
    carrying with it the numbness and pain inside me.
    I am at peace.

    As I look at that solitary hundred-year-old farmhouse
    standing steadfast, enduring years of warm summers
    and cold harsh winters, yet still erect and proud;
    I am reminded of why I came.
    I had lost my endurance, my feeling, my reason, my very soul.
    I came in search of myself, and you offered me -
    sanctuary.

    Posted 2/26/02

                               Longing

   As I sit curled up on the couch
   You slide in next to me
   Oh so close to me
   Pressing your body next to mine
   I feel its warmth
   Radiating
   Soothing
   I lean over to touch you
   Feel you
   The gentle curve of your back
   The long slender neck
   The smooth contour of your face next to mine

   You slowly lean over
   Gently pushing your face to my neck
   Teasing it with your tongue
   Tiny little kisses up and down
   You find your way to my ear
   In and out
   Again with gentle flicks of the tongue
   Butterfly kisses
   Then...
   Softly and sweetly
   Gently nibbling the lobe

   I turn to look at you
   Your soft brown eyes
   Deep pools of dark amber
   Reflecting my eyes as you stare
   Pleading
   Longing
   Begging
   Until I can no longer resist you
   Finally I turn and yell...

   "Will somebody PLEASE let the dog out?"

   Posted 3/10/02