Friday Morning, I barely awoke to see Eddie and Adam leave the room. I stayed in bed for about 15 minutes before I got up.
I went down to the lobby of the hotel to see a magnificent breakfast buffet laid out. Excited as hell, I took a seat (probably looking like a fucking zombie) my waitress nervously approached me and asked me what I wanted to drink, I said, "Give me as much water as you can give me," and attacked the buffet.
After two John Madden sized breakfast plates, my waitress did something that blew my fucking mind. She laid a bill on the table and walked off. I stared at it, and thought, "Obviously this is just for the drink, there is no god-damn way these fuckos are going to charge me for a breakfast." I turned the ticket over and saw that I owed the hotel $8.50 for breakfast.
I was fucking shocked, I thought this shit was free, if I would have known that it wasn't, I would be snuggled up in my comfy-as-hell bed right now. I chucked nine dollars on the table and marched off to bed.
After a few more hours of sleep, Juan and I woke up, packed, and headed out for Cape Girardeau, but before we left, Derek was looking through a magazine in the room and found a picture of Joe Buck with his family, including the late, great Jack Buck.
Juan ripped the entire page out of the magazine and said, �Alrighty then, let�s go to Cape.�
Right after we go to Hooters.
We exited the hotel, and headed directly to Union Station. Being my first time at Union Station, I was impressed. Juan, however, was on a mission. We damn near sprinted to the Hooters on the third floor of The Station. Juan ordered 50 wings...
I ordered a Mountain Dew.
Juan was like, "What the fuck dude?"
And I was all, "Dude, I just ate breakfast."
Juan: "Where?"
Me: "I ate breakfast like four hours ago, in the hotel."
Juan: "Oh, they had a complimentary breakfast?"
Me: "Not exactly."
After telling Juan what had happened that morning, he laughed his ass off, and then prepared himself for the hot wing extravaganza.
While the hot wings were being cooked, an entire crew of prosti-tots arrived at the establishment. If you don't know what a prosti-tot is, let me define it for you:
Prosti-tot: noun. An under-age female dressing in garments that lead to deception of her actual age, i.e. revealing, sexual-oriented clothing.
As I dealt with the fact that we were surrounded by jail-bait, Juan's hot wings arrived in all of their spicy, cholesterol-filled glory. After being badgered by Juan, I enjoyed some of the wings, and they were tastetacular.
I only had room for about six, though. When our waitress came back to clean up our mess, she was disappointed in my performance, "Only six?" she said.
I replied, "Sorry ma�am, I had quite the luxurious breakfast today." We got our bill, paid, and headed out on a side-quest for Juan, he wanted to buy a very specific Cardinals hat. We walked to a St. Louis Cardinals shop that had more Cards garb in it that I have ever seen. They had every conceivable piece of merchandise available...
...except Derek's hat.
Disappointed, Juan spend $30 in hats, and left the shop. I told him that there was no way that we were leaving this mall without getting that hat.
He said that there was a hat shop in the mall that might have the cap he was looking for. He asked if we could go there, and I said, "Juan, you came here all of the way from Cleveland, Ohio. What kind of dickface-asshole would leave this mall without that fucking hat?"
We moved on to a hat store in the mall that had an incredible selection of hats, INCLUDING the hat the Derek was after. After turning every De-toilet Red Wings hat inside-out, Juan bought two hats and we left.
On the way to the car, I said to Juan, "Dude, you buy hats like a chick buys shoes." Juan said, "Fuck you, tell me these hats don't kick ass." I said, "Good point."
We hopped in the car, and headed for Columbia, IL to pick up Bry. We picked up the aspiring adult film star from work and stopped at a gas station for some supplies. Here�s the sequence that occurred at the checkout counter.
Bry�s Items:
-One twelve pack of Bud Light
-One three pack of ultra sensitive condoms
Donjon�s Items:
-One twelve pack of Bud Light
-One three pack of ultra sensitive condoms
Me:
-I�ll have an iced tea, I�m going to nut in her face.
I waited until we got into the car to say that line, but it was hilarious when I did. Another one of my lines at the gas station happened when I arrived at the counter to see the condoms. I said, �Somebody�s hungry like the wolf tonight.�
Derek decided that we needed a guardian angel on our trip, so he folded up the Joe Buck magazine page from the hotel room and stuffed it in his window. Joe watched my driving very carefully the entire trip. At one point, we took a pitstop, and when I returned to the car, I started to giggle:
Derek had folded the magazine picture perfectly, Jack Buck was facing every other driver on the road.
When we arrived at Jarv�s apartment complex, I gunned the Bonneville, and whipped it into a parking spot, tires squealing. I said, �Like a glove,� got out of the car, hit the car alarm, high fived Jarv, and went right inside.
We started the night off like we normally do, at Show-Me�s. We sat on the patio enjoying our various beverages. I was drinking Coronas, which I acquired a taste for after drinking with Dickey.
The lineup for this one included, in no particular order:
Bry
Jarv
Donjon
Tad Chaake
Mikey
Meg
Kristin
Bonnie a.k.a. Sissy Mappington
Melissa (I think)
Mitch
And me, Dustin �Double D� Doerr
We were set to leave Show-Me�s for El Acapulco, a local cantina where I won a bottle of Jim Beam from Jarv. (To this day, it�s the only bet I�ve ever won against Jarv) I went inside to pay for my tab, and when I returned to the parking lot, I noticed that everyone was gone.
I was left behind, and, unlike �Home Alone� I was not pumped about it.
Mitch was good enough of a friend to come and get me. I was really pissed off until I got into the car, and �Speak Easy� by 311 was playing on the system. I was instantly in a good mood, and ready to drink again. We were joined by Bobby, Troy, and Meegan. A few things stand out in my mind about the El Acapulco session.
1. A buffet table was lined with about twelve really cute girls.
2. Jarv managed to separate the ingredients in salsa by the addition of massive amounts of sugar and pepper.
3. Bry was wasted and loud, at one point screaming to an older woman at another table, �YOU PLAY I PAY!�
4. Taake left the establishment, took one step to the right of the door, and took an enormous whiz on the bushes in front. (Jarv and I posed for a picture with him in the process)
We left El Acapulco and headed for Bel-Air. At some point in the night, I can�t quite remember, but we were joined by Donjon�s younger brother Matt. I spent most of the time at Bel-Air drinking Coronas outside. After a while, I wanted to move on to Ragsdale�s, which is my personal favorite SEMO bar. Brandon and I walked from Bel-Air to Ragsdale�s, and as we approached a large storm drain, Brandon said, �I slept there one night.� I replied, �NICE.�
We arrived at Ragsdales, and after playing some 311 songs on the jukebox, smoking a rare cigarette, and watching a Donjon Brothers Billiards game played for money, I saw the Donjon brothers leaving for Jeremiah�s. I trailed them by about 30 feet, when I decided to have a vomit. I saw a good spot by the river. I was quickly joined by Jarv, who was in the mood for a piss. We saw a boat with a bridge to the shore, we looked at each other, and without saying a word, we made our way to the boat. We crossed the bridge, and we encountered the security measures to the boat:
A single piece of plywood blocked our path. We circumvented the system by tossing the board, and invading the ship.
We found a Weber grill, and some fluid. Jarv found a Tiki-torch, and chucked it into the Mighty Mississippi. Then I puked off the Aft-end of the boat while Jarvo pissed off Port-side. Jarv turned around after his whiz, and blasted his fucking skull on a pole of the boat. I walked over and he was reeling from the impact, and I pulled him from the ledge so he didn't take an accidental swim. We reset the security system, and headed for Jeremiah�s. We entered Jeremiah�s, and I was asked to leave my jersey at the door. I said to the bouncer, who was considerably larger that I am, �Hey man, be careful with that thing, Bernie Federko signed that yesterday.� The guy said, �Who in the HELL is Bernie Federko?� I said, �Just make sure I get that back.�
I went upstairs, and saw Taake and his girl Natalie. After a while, I decided that I just wasn�t the same guy without my trusty jersey. I left Jeremiah�s, got my jersey back, and decided to go on a drunken walkabout. I told several people my plan, and headed off on foot. I was offered a ride by a cute chick, but as I said �g-yeah,� her boyfriend drove off. I walked from Jeremiah�s to the SEMO dorms, which is nice multi-mile hike. I entered the dorms, used the restroom, got a Mountain Dew, and continued my hike to Jarv�s. I was getting a little tired, and my phone only had enough batteries for one call, so I contacted Sissy Mappington, who was rocking a party at Cape Place. I headed that way, but was picked up a few blocks before the place by Bonnie and her crew. Sissy and I were dropped off at Deermont, where we planned a drunken crime spree. Much like the crime spree from Halloween, the only requirement is that something must get stolen. We left the room, and for some reason, we both felt the need to climb an extension ladder that had been left by a worker, to scope out the roof of Deermont. We walked a few blocks to a place that I consider to be my Mecca, THE STOOP.
A new family had moved into The Stoop, and had planted these ridiculous plants in front. I cut a leaf off of the plant, which was about the size of 50 wings at Show-Me�s. We hung out at the nearby park, and called in Ty for extraction. Tyler told me that he thought the name of the plant was an Elephant Ear plant.
After dropping off Bonnie, we went to Taco Bell. We pulled up to the drive-thru, and the guy taking our order said, �Hey, is that an Elephant Ear leaf?� I said, �No fucking way man, how do YOU know that?� The guy said, �Yeah, I used to work in landscaping.�
Donjon returned to the pad at about 4 am, and was excited that I stole something from The Stoop. Shortly thereafter, we passed out. Juan�s return was not yet complete, we still had a big Winery Party the next day with Chad in Ste. Genevieve.